I woke up super congested this morning. Gnarly sinus headache to boot. Fucking sucks, I really wanted to go dive. Try and kill some fish. But you can't do that shit when your head tubes are jam-packed with mucus. Or you can, but you'll only do it once. Sinus squeezes hurt like a son of a bitch.

Parker: “I got a random surf boner!”

By Rory Parker

8 years ago

The story of how I wasted the most resilient boner of my life…

Chas is right, I don’t have an iPhone. Don’t have a cell at all. I hate the damn things. Annoying little leashes everyone wraps around their own necks. Don’t need one. Don’t want one. Won’t get one.

That Porsche ad is something else. I love that Chas’s wife is more successful than him. Mine’s more successful than me! Very twenty first century. Very progressive.

Still, I desperately want to lay into it. I’d go hard after anyone else. If it were Zach Weisberg toting the baby junk while Mama Bear basked in the spotlight I think Chas would too. Too bad his whole family is involved. Can’t go after them. There’s definitely a line there, can’t cross it.

I got a random boner while surfing today. Not, like, truly random. There was a very attractive, age appropriate, woman surfing rather well in a nearly non-existent bikini. I just can’t get used to them. I don’t leer or creep, but I do over-appreciate.

Besides, all the hilarious zingers I can think of are too mean. Not playful, just cutting. So I’ll move on.

I got a random boner while surfing today. Not, like, truly random. There was a very attractive, age appropriate, woman surfing rather well in a nearly non-existent bikini. I just can’t get used to them. I don’t leer or creep, but I do over-appreciate.

She was paddling past during a lull and my mind got to wandering and I started thinking about the grand time we could have if I were able to lure her into the marriage bed. Graphic stuff running through the ol’ dome. But no more so than usual.

I’m thirty six years old. The days when I could be stroked into tumescence by a stiff breeze are long gone. And surfing isn’t very boner inducing. Beyond the ages of twelve to nineteen, during which I was basically a walking hard-on, I don’t think I’ve ever really pumped blood into my dick while in the ocean. The water’s always at least slightly cool. You’re exercising, focused on your surroundings. Not much room sexual thought.

Before I knew it I was fully erect, and of course a fun little set swung my way.

Like back in high school, when you would daydream during class. Watching sunlight play across a bit of exposed skin across the room. Full mast, salute the dawn, rock hard. Suddenly it’s your turn to stand at the front of the class and give a presentation.

I’ve always been a proponent of the belt-tuck. Press it straight up against your belly, make sure you don’t do something stupid like raise your arms above your head and flash the entire room.

Can’t do the tuck in board shorts. I’m a product of the nineties, I like ’em baggy and low slung. The tuck’ll put a few solid inches in plain view. Can’t just ignore it either. Clingy wet fabric leaves nothing to the imagination.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of my dick. I’ll happily trot it out in the right circumstances. But it has to be tasteful. Wagging your dong in a stranger’s face is not.

I hoped that paddling would kill it. Laying on your dick and reaching isn’t comfortable. But, for whatever sick reason, it didn’t help. Neither did the little “that’s a sick one” hoot from none other than Ms Gorgeous herself.

I tried to pop into a low crouch. Make it look like I thought it was going to barrel, or whatever. That might have worked, if my baggy trunks hadn’t bloused out, caught my dick at a weird angle, and bent it in half.

Which really fucking hurts. I fell awkwardly, banging my dick against the rail of my board as I went down.

North swell is big and rising and I didn’t want to deal with getting my ass beat by the ocean, so I stuck to the friendly mellow east side. Wasn’t wearing a leash. The swim in to retrieve my board still wasn’t enough to kill my ardor. I had to float in the shallows for a few minutes. Take a few deep breaths, try to distract my mind-wang connection.

And that’s the story of how I wasted the most resilient boner of my life.

Apropos of nothing, it’s pretty cool the WSL is running two female heats tomorrow at Pe’ahi. That’ll be something to see. I’ll even be there in person. BeachGrit’s flying me out. Jet set shit, right there.

Knowing how things go the swell will probably fail to materialize and I’ll be trapped on Maui for the day. But that’s okay. I’ll just head to Paia and get wasted.

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Foiled: World Surf League shamed again!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Welcome to BeachGrit...brought to you by Porsche (basically)!

What if everything you did was cut rate? Like, generally pretty lousy? What if your phone was made in Korea and accidentally exploded all the time, your “hotel” when you traveled was just a room in somebody else’s house and your car was maybe 1/3 as good as a Toyota Landcruiser?

Well then you’d be the World Surf League!

Professional surfing’s governing body has worse than average partners. Samsung, Airbnb and Jeep to mostly name them all. It would all be well and good, I suppose, if your beloved BeachGrit didn’t exist to blast a spotlight on their mediocrity.

But we do exist with our bright and shining lights!

First, we all own Apple iPhones (maybe Rory doesn’t but he also lives in Kauai). Sure it is no big thing, obviously, and this is not the Apple iPhone Mens and Womens BeachGrit. We, in fact, bought them but better a purchased phone than a blown off ear, as the old adage goes.

Second, we stay in proper hotels when traveling, or in friend’s extra rooms, but we don’t call the friend’s extra room a “bnb.”

And now we have Porsche instead of Jeep! Or not “we” exactly but my gorgeous and successful wife. But I’m a featured extra! And I chuckle at the dowdy World Surf League in their little Jeep Wranglers while drinking sauvignon blancs from New Zealand instead of Australia. “Those petit bourgeois…” I say to anyone who will listen. “They’re so cute! So… funky!”

Go and see my beyond fabulous l/w ife here.

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Blood Feud: Coastalwatch v SurfStitch!

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

SurfStitch in "perilous" financial position says major shareholder!

Do you remember, one week ago, Coastalwatch’s daddy company having a swing at buying SurfStitch?

It was a thrilling piece of theatre, a demonstration, if any was still necessary, of the Machiavellian ways of business: Three Crowns Media Group, which is a major shareholder of SurfStitch but is suing SurfStitch for a content-sharing deal gone awry, offered the online retailer fifty-five mill for a company that was worth half-a-billion dollars less than a year ago.

In response, SurfStitch’s shares were place in a trading halt.

As the The Australian Financial Review reported:

Street Talk first revealed in August that Three Crowns Media Group, which is the ultimate holding company of both Crown Financial and Coastalwatch, as well as other media outlets including magazine Surfing World and snowsports website Mountainwatch, was the mysterious third party embroiled in legal action with Surfstitch over a content-sharing arrangement gone wrong.

And to make matters more confusing, Surfstitch had once considered buying Three Crowns before its own troubles deepened. Now the tables have turned.

Yeah, you got it?

At the time of the offer, Three Crowns revealed it would tell-all in a mysterious letter to be given to a favourite media outlet. The outlet, as it turned out, was The Courier Mail.

The story, which went live a few hours ago, reveals Crown’s suggestion that SurfStitch is in a “perilous” financial position and, therefore, might be well-advised to take up the offer.

Let’s read.

Responding to an open letter from takeover predator Crown Financial questioning why SurfStitch knocked back its $55 million offer, the company refused to reaffirm its profit guidance amid concerns its cash reserves have slipped to a “perilous” level.

In a statement to the ASX, it said “it would be premature to comment on guidance at this time” and would provide a general update at its annual general meeting.

SurfStitch’s shares rose 1¢ to 18.5¢ on Thursday. The stock was placed in a trading halt on Tuesday after SurfStitch received Crown Financial’s letter demanding to know why the company was unable to meet its indicative proposal.

The proposal required SurfStitch to complete the sale of subsidiary Surf Hardware International to an independent third party for “total cash consideration of at least $20 million” and for SurfStitch to have “no borrowings and $17 million cash in bank”.

It also said SurfStitch should “have no pending litigation outside our related entities” and not be subject to an investigation by the ASX or the Australian Securities and Investments Commission.

SurfStitch yesterday confirmed ASIC was investigating the retail giant over the collapse of a $20 million deal with Crown Financial’s related entity Coastalwatch, which forced the surfwear retailer to downgrade its earnings forecast in June.

Crown Financial managing director, Joakim Sundell, raised concerns in the letter that SurfStitch was not being forthcoming about its cash balance.

“The cash balance for the company at June 30, 2016, was reportedly $21.37 million,” Mr Sundell wrote.

“If the company cannot meet the requirement of having a $17 million cash position, are you in fact telling us/shareholders that there has been a fall of over $4.37 million in cash reserves since the balance date? This would then only allow for another $1.6 million to $2.6 million fall for the remainder of FY17, which seems perilous.”

SurfStitch on Thursday said it did not plan to “respond to these questions and does not comment on or affirm any of the various assertions.”

Oh, and FCS is going to be shucked, very shortly, for around twenty-mill, the company enjoying its third owner in one year.

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“After vaping, I surfed a break on a really small day with two random 12 year olds who couldn’t stop complaining about how bad the waves were. Harshed my mellow for a good ten minutes until I realized I should paddle away to another break.”

Survey: Do you (like) surfing stoned?

By Derek Rielly

8 years ago

Do you surf better? Does it enhance the experience? Do you ever see God?

Do you enjoy the surreal effects of marijuana? Do you inflate your lungs before a surf? Is it a regular thing?

I’ve never been one for weed. Looses all those demons that are happily shackled, revs up a paranoia that otherwise never shows. And everyone I knew at school who were zealots for green became, over time, dumb, sluggish and stupid.

But, some dig. Maybe you dig?

Earlier today, I fell into a message stream on reddit of surfers back and forthing on the subject of surfing while high. I had no idea it was still such a thing.

Here are some highlights.

I’m not sure if raising the topic of weed is going to be suicidal here. I just wanted to see if anyone else here is a fan of it in the context of surfing. Because sweet mother, it’s glorious! I’ve always felt connected to the ocean when surfing, but surfing while high is like making love to her. Everything flows so perfectly, and being able to play with that flow and be a part of it… it’s just straight up beautiful.

And yes, I would say that my performance is worse (in terms of how I’d score in a competition). But the criticality of a turn, or the depth of a barrel doesn’t matter when you’re high. All that matters is fitting into that flow perfectly, and riding the wave as it’s presenting itself to be ridden. And when you can do that, nothing feels better!

Yeah I dunno, I like to smoke sometimes on smaller days when it’s nice out, but not so much if its bigger or more hollow or cold and I have to concentrate more.

I’m with you on this one man. When it’s nice pleasant surf I’m all about having a cheeky toke beforehand. But yeah, if it’s big angry surf, I definitely prefer to have my reactions over my flow.

When i got high and surfed, you can feel the turns and the board beneath your feet. for me; i gave less shit about what people thought and just had flow with the wave. No effort needed to turn, no effort to snap or push or do floaters, it all just happened. people who saw me were like HOLY SHIT dude how the fuck did you get so good?! would try again

That’s exactly it man! It really does all just happen. And yeah, I think when it feels that good, it looks just as good. I’ve been getting compliments on my riding style since I started riding high too, which though I like to think I’m quite modest, is always nice to hear! Though some of the adjectives crack me up a bit… ‘groovy’ was used once haha.

The feeling of being underwater made me laugh uncontrollably for some awesome reason and the water literally glimmered like sparks were jumping across the waters surface. The set waves were really intimidating because I would focus on every little change that occurred as the wave came inland and I remember the sound of the waves tripped me the fuck out because I realized the sound was being generated solely by water crashing on itself.

Mixed reviews. Surfed on a solid double overhead day on a left-hand pointbreak after eating some brownies. Really awesome. I think I only caught four or five waves, but they were fun. It felt like everything happened very fast – start paddling for a wave, all of a sudden you’re in it getting ready to pop up, thinking to yourself “duhhhh how do I do this again?” but it just happens and then if you’re like me you grab the rail on anything remotely exciting on the backside. It felt like just sitting out back, you felt the energy and excitement of the ocean more, every little undulation of the swell and the way the wind played across the water.

On the other hand, after vaping, I surfed a break on a really small day with two random 12 year olds who couldn’t stop complaining about how bad the waves were. Harshed my mellow for a good ten minutes until I realized I should paddle away to another break.

I’m a fan of using drugs to help me see things that I have a hard time seeing otherwise. I also appreciate that folks might want to blaze then go splash around ’cause it’s fun, but in your post you’re talking about finding a connection to the ocean that you haven’t found without ganja.

Now that you’ve felt that, how could that happen again with you, your board and the ocean as the only ingredients? If I couldn’t answer that question, or didn’t want to answer that question, then the dope’s just a filler, not a tool.

I didn’t mean to sound preachy. I mean all this self reflection, not judgement. Blaze away.

I’m all for it. It’s magical. The session in the morning of 4/20 was one of the best I’ve had. I’ll never forget sitting on the board out the back, just bobbing gently, look over my left should to see one of my best mates and a rising sun, look over my right shoulder to see a beautiful full rainbow. It’s the first time I’ve ever truly regretted not having a GoPro.

So tell me: do you ever surf stoned? Is it a little, maybe half a J or a cone, or a whole lot?

Do you get better, does it enhance the experience? Do you see God?

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The Inertia: Blame Trump on Slater!

By Chas Smith

8 years ago

Surf media's killer dog rounds on champ!

The anguish today keeps pouring down. The funeral procession of our theoretical better selves enveloped in a never ending wail.

Like this!

Even the best of pals are torn asunder by our new political reality. Even idols brought low by those who used to gaze up with only the utmost admiration.

Let us examine the case of one Robert Kelly Slater and The Inertia‘s founder-in-chief Zach Weisberg.

Oh you know how surfing’s definitive online community adores the champ. We all do, of course, but The Inertia more than adores. Maybe worships a little. Maybe wants to marry on a Kauai cliff during sunset with Don Ho as master of ceremonies (presented by Purps).

But the spectre of Donald J. Trump threw a big old monkey wrench (spanner) into the machinations of love today. Really derailed the works.

Let us read from Mr. Zach’s dirge:

Nothing is given, and liberals forgot that the same way disenchanted conservatives remembered it. As such, progressives failed to tap into the same dormant emotions that drive America to be its greatest.

I regret that The Inertia failed to make a formal presidential endorsement this election. It doesn’t matter that it most likely wouldn’t have any impact. But it could have. In my estimation, it was the right thing to do, because it was an expression of how I, as a leader, and The Inertia staff, as a collective, feel with a renewed obligation in communicating to our 1.5 million monthly readers.

I regret that we didn’t take Kelly Slater, a man I deeply respect as surfing’s most influential ambassador, to task for choosing not to vote in this year’s election despite hosting an art show to inspire political conversation. In my estimation, that’s a disingenuous thing for a thoughtful person to do. Voting is a privilege our forefathers died to preserve, and while I respect anyone’s right to refuse to participate, for those who care about the environment (surfers and outdoor enthusiasts) and social justice (thoughtful people), there was an appropriate choice on this year’s ballot.

It was not Donald Trump.

So my favorite part is The Inertia making a formal presidential endorsement a way to also let potential advertisers know how much “traffic” they’re getting.

Capitalism!

But the part that brings a lonely tear to my eye is the thought of Zach W taking Kelly Slater to task. Don’t give in to your baser prog Huffy Post instincts, dearest Z.

Let Kelly vote for Kelly and Let Love Rule!

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Eat beach grit spam!