Squashes, but only just, the tour rookie Kanoa
Igarashi!
It’s an artistic picture. A humid Monday
afternoon on the North Shore of Oahu. The entire world of surf
tuned into two beautifully in-form surfers bobbing in a flat ocean.
After half-an-hour, and four average rides, Tahitian Michel Bourez
wins the Billabong Pipeline Masters from the surprise finalist,
tour rookie Kanoa Igariashi.
“You know what?” says Michel. “That was the worst final I ever
had. It stopped breaking.”
“It was a fizzer,” says the commentator Ronnie
Blakey.
The day was anything but average. Three-to-five feet. Oil slick
smooth.
There was a little jive here and there. Kelly Slater, whom you
might count as the best surfer at Pipe and broker no argument,
scored his lowest heat total ever in round four, a 2.24 total.
The Michel v Filipe round five heat? Both surfers rode with
all the single-mindedness of burglars blowing a safe.
Were you gratified by Kolohe Andino’s hit-and-run of Jeremy
Flores, who now drops out of the WCT? (Wait! No he don’t! He
finished seventh on the WQS!)
Watch as Michel vamps like a motherfucker to squash John.
In the dying light, in a dying swell, the season of 2016
finishes.
Kanoa wraps his year beating Jordy Smith and Kelly Slater. His
efforts slide close pal Zeke Lau onto the tour.
John John, the boy with a complexion a powdered milky white,
anaemic but faintly handsome, wins the Triple Crown, adding the
title to a year that included The Eddie and the World Title. The
first surfer in history to accomplish such a thing.
Watch the final day highlights here!
Here’s the final top 10.
Billabong Pipe Masters Final Results:
1: Michel Bourez (PYF) 7.53 2: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 6.17
Billabong Pipe Masters Semifinal Results:
SF 1: Michel Bourez (PYF) 15.37 def. Kolohe Andino
(USA) 13.93 SF 2: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 15.50 def. Kelly
Slater (USA) 15.00
Billabong Pipe Masters Quarterfinal Results:
QF 1: Kolohe Andino (USA) 14.87 def. Jeremy Flores
(FRA) 12.67 QF 2: Michel Bourez (PYF) 17.20 def. John
John Florence (HAW) 14.00 QF 3: Kelly Slater (USA) 11.50 def. Josh Kerr
(AUS) 10.24 QF 4: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 18.03 def. Jordy
Smith (ZAF) 15.74
Billabong Pipe Masters Round 5 Results:
Heat 1: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 15.17 def. Joel Parkinson
(AUS) 4.53 Heat 2: Michel Bourez (PYF) 16.80 def. Filipe
Toledo (BRA) 15.50 Heat 3: Kelly Slater (USA) 14.34 def. Ryan
Callinan (AUS) 10.17 Heat 4: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 18.10 def. Nat
Young (USA) 16.17
Billabong Pipe Masters Round 4 Results:
Heat 1: Kolohe Andino (USA) 13.66, Jeremy Flores
(FRA) 10.16, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 5.00 Heat 2: John John Florence (HAW) 11.00,
Michel Bourez (PYF) 9.17, Joel Parkinson (AUS) 8.83 Heat 3: Josh Kerr (AUS) 9.24, Ryan Callinan
(AUS) 2.77, Nat Young (USA) 1.57 Heat 4: Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 12.00, Jordy
Smith (ZAF) 11.34, Kelly Slater (USA) 2.24
Billabong Pipe Masters Round 3 Results:
Heat 12: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 15.34 def. Alex Ribeiro
(BRA) 1.93
The Stalinist WSL changes its tune! Let freedom
ring!
And did you just watch Kanoa Igarashi beat
Jordy Smith? DID YOU?
Amazing barrels! Steezy claims!
Kanoa wins and kicks Zeke Lau into the 2017 Big Dance!
Thrilling!
But guess what?
GUESS WHAT?
GUESS WHAT?
BeachGrit and its march for truth in history was the
big winner because…
…and are you sitting down?
…are you ready?
The World Surf League has capitulated and allowed the Red Bull
hat to shine!
It’s true!
The post heat interview with Kanoa (above) and Jordy (below)
featured the Red Bull hat in all of it’s yellow, red, blue, white,
orange, ummmmmm, glory!
And you didn’t think the powers listened? They do! Start
peppering them! What do you want? Let them know!
The Tahitian delivers a resounding blow in the
quarters!
It was the heat of the day, the year even! Not
really the year and maybe not even the day but it was a very good
heat. Michel “The Spartan” Bourez beat John “John” Florence in his
own front/backyard (depending on which way the main Florence home
entrance faces)!
And did you watch it? Did you see? If not hurry up and try and
find a heat on demand. The World Surf League will certainly scrub
it soon because do you know who Michel wears on his forehead? Do
you know who pays him some $$$$? Do you know what he drinks when he
needs wiiiiiiings?
Red Bull!
Trotsky to the WSL’s Lenin!
Where is the Red Bull? Stalinist!
Thankfully you have your BeachGrit. Look at the above picture
and know that we prize truth above all.
Does the World Surf League's online bullying belie
darker tendencies?
After it was made public yesterday that the
World Surf League was actively engaged in the online bullying of
Red Bull by refusing to show the brand’s hats on the
webcast it made me wonder if surfing’s governing body was also
acting in a Stalinist manner.
During the Soviet Union, Stalin made sport of altering history.
Let us read from the archives of the University of Minnesota.
The most common examples of photograph alteration and
falsification come from communist Russia. Unwanted persons,
so-called “enemies of the people” were not only killed, but also
removed from photographs where their presence was unwanted.
Photographs were altered with the intent of changing the
past.
Leon Trotsky was a close friend of Lenin, and shared his
idealistic ideas about the communist state. In the following
photographs he can be seen together with Lenin.
The next set of images are nearly identical, however Trotsky
is removed from both photographs.
The historical reason for this alteration is that Stalin
eventually began to see Trotsky as a threat and labeled him an
“enemy of the people”. After he was deported from the Soviet Union
in 1929, Trotsky critisized Stalin’s leadership, arguing that the
dictatorship Stalin exercised was based on his own interests,
rather than those of the people. This contributed substantially to
Trotsky’s removal from photographs and history.
And it made me wonder if, in the future, Adriano de Souza’s
championship will be scrubbed from the official record, like his
Red Bull hat.
Do you want to live in a world where ADS did not hoist the
trophy as high as those little arms could hoist? Where hope is
stripped away from the working man? Where our only form of energy
is Monster?
I don’t.
And we should all take action to stop this menace because I
might be next. You might be next.
Scrubbed from surf history.
I leave you with an inspirational poem.
First they came for Red Bull, and I did not speak out—
Because I only drank Red Bull on long drives.
Then they came for Hawaiians, and I did not speak out—
Because I was a haole.
Then they came for the passive-aggressive surf bloggers, and I
did not speak out—
Because I did not write for The Inertia.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for
me.
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Conner Coffin needed a nine-one-five or something to
beat Slater in round three and win rookie of the year. Gets wave of
the day in the late minute. Rides beautifully. Falls a couple of
hundreds of point short of the score, 9.07 maybe. Sends unambiguous
message to judging panel.
Ror Parker writes with all the innocence and wonder
of a child!
The hell wind died last
night. Unfortunately, the swell did too.
Not totally. It’s a fun, overhead day at Backdoor. The odd
bomb rolling in. Good waves, great surfing. It’s not a day that’ll
go down in history, but more than worth pointing your eyeballs
toward.
The wife arrived on island yesterday, we’ve got a room booked at
the Turtle Bay for the weekend. Ocean view, which means it
overlooks the pool and points toward shore. You can’t see the
horizon, but you can see Kawela Bay. So it counts, barely, I
guess.
Not that I really care. I’ve spent my time watching the ocean,
don’t need to sit on my balcony and do it some more.
I do care about the toilet paper. Single fucking ply at $300 per
night! Outright criminal. If I wanted to bring my own lovely
Kirkland brand ass wipes I’d stay in a fucking hostel.
Ditto for the shuttle to Ehukai. I’ve been hearing about it for
years. Always used as yet another example of the WSL’s dedication
to eco-consciousness. I was thrilled to have access. Meant I didn’t
need to wake up early and battle for a parking spot on the side of
Kam Highway. Housekeeping came banging on my door at eight am,
didn’t get much of a lie in anyway.
Drank some coffee I brewed in our in-room Keurig. I wonder how
many plastic cups they dispose of each day. Called the concierge to
find out the shuttle schedule. She couldn’t tell me, I’d have to go
down to the lobby and ask. Thanks for the help!
The next one leaves at 12:30, the last return is at 4 on the
dot. If you miss it you’re pretty well fucked.
It’s $20 per person. Sixty-dollars total for the wife,
myself and a friend.
Just more green-washed bullshit. A cynical cash-grab
masquerading as altruism.
They smelled smoke on me at the check-in desk. Kept repeating
the $300 charge if I smoke in the room. The balcony counts as the
room. I’d love to toss a trio of c-notes in someone’s face, light
up in the lobby. But I realize it’s probably cheaper to pay
housekeeping to ignore the smell.
Sundown drinks at the pool bar is always great. Sucking
down rum punch, the wife ordered a martini. Received a glass
of chardonnay with olives in it. Both drinks are equally foul, in
my opinion.
The first four heats saw the end of each wildcard’s run. Beschen
didn’t do great. World-class barrel rider without a singlet on, but
he’s never been much of a contest surfer.
Finn fell out too, but for a second it looked like he was taking
down Parko. What a thing that would have been! Joel’s last wave was
a hair over-scored, in my mind the match up went to the teen.
But Finn don’t care. He nearly beat Joel, at sixteen that’s
as good as actually doing it.
Bruce failed, as always. Got taken down by ADS at
Backdoor. Jeez…
Fredrico Morais is out as well. Not sure what it does to
his Triple Crown hopes. It obviously doesn’t help, but I have
no idea whether he’s still in contention.
So no wildcard spoilers this year. That’s too bad. But
it’s no accident.
Overlapping heats all day. A necessity based on local
regulations. But it’d be a good format to adopt year
round. Push through the loser rounds quickly. Shorten the
length of the event. A lot of people don’t like the repechage
heats, and I understand their reasons. But they do a good job
of removing some of the luck element. Gives guys a do-over in
case a heat goes flat. Or just straight sucks.
They do make the events interminably long. Running in tandem
brings a conclusion about a little quicker.
Which, today, is something I’m feeling. The surf is great,
there’s magic in the water. Flashes of it, at least. But
I just can’t get into it. I don’t know what the problem
is. Probably something wrong with my head. Maybe just
sick and tired of Oahu. Over the crowds, fighting for parking,
sitting in traffic. People people people.I’ve been here too
long. Couldn’t pay attention, couldn’t make myself care.
The pool bar sounded better. Overpriced piña coladas,
sunburned tourists, mobs of flailing kooks at the point. It
was a tempting option. Drive back toward Kawela Bay, order a
few cocktails, stream the event poolside. Retire to an a/c chilled
hotel room, watch guys fall off from a cushy bed with the comforter
pulled up around my neck. Toss a bone at the wife with the
curtains open. Stare at everyone below. It’s like I’m fucking
them too!
Also, she is not interested in surfing at all. Dragging
around a bored spouse isn’t the best idea. And I’m gonna do
it tomorrow too.
Turned around, headed back to ersatz paradise. Made it in
time to watch Igarashi knock out Wilson. Second time Kainoa
has made it past round three this year. First event and last
event.
Slightly bummed I missed Slater putting on a Backdoor clinic.
Which is the name of my favorite imaginary porn flick. Or
maybe not imaginary. I’ve gotta check my external hard
drive.
Conner nearly stole the win with his last wave. Came up
just short. Double bird to the judges. Do they fine for
that?
Honestly, I’m giving it to Slater.
That’s it for the day. Hopefully tomorrow finds some fresh
motivation.
BONUS FEATURE!
“I am really happy with my year,” said Medina. “It was a good
year and I want to thank everyone who was involved. Now I am off to
Brazil to relax with my family and friends. It is going to start
all over again pretty soon. I am going to start training and will
be back next year. I feel really good and confident for next
year.”
“It was a fun year for sure to be a defending champion,” said De
Souza. “I’m excited for next year. I think it will be way different
for me because I’ll have way more time to prepare for the season.
This contest is really special for me and every time I come to Pipe
I’m so grateful to everyone for their help. When you’re not winning
contests it’s frustrating, but I just have to enjoy being here.
I’ve been coming to this contest for 10 years so I’ve been learning
from the best.”
Monday will see an easing trend, although fun to mid size surf
looks possible through the day (favoring Backdoor). Surf in the
head high to a foot or two overhead range on sets looks likely.
We continue to monitor a new swell for Tuesday from a storm now
over the Aleutian Islands. This storm and swell are much better
aimed at areas north and east of Hawaii, with this looking like
more of a glancing blow for the islands. It appears that our
Surfline swell model is too ‘hot’ on this swell right now, so the
surf size for Tuesday (above) take that into account and is very
conservative as compared to model guidance. As we gather further
data on the storm and swell we’ll adjust as necessary. Stay
tuned.
