Mark Zuckerberg seen here throwing happy shakas to his Kauai'i neighbors.
Mark Zuckerberg seen here throwing happy shakas to his Kauai'i neighbors.

Breaking: Hawaiians crack Zuck!

Locals smash the heavy-handed imperialism of world's 6th richest man!

And son of a bitch. Do you think Facebook founder and world’s sixth richest man Mark Zuckerberg woke up this morning, rolled over in his very fine threadcount, sun breaking through the Bay Area’s freezing cold fog, gazed at his wife and said, “Why the FUCK did we ever buy land in Kauai? Southern Florida is nice too, right? Like tropical with warm water and fishes n shit. Pretty flowers. Right? You wanna know one thing southern Florida doesn’t have though? HAWAIIANS!”

If you are new to da drama here’s a quick catch up. Mr. Zuckerberg bought 700 pristine acres of Kauai, built a wall around it and started suing everyone to stay off. (READ HERE FOR FULL RECAP!)

Did the locals like it very much?

No!

Much rage etc. and I’m sure much discomfort when Mark and wife went to their local Foodland and got stuck in line behind Dustin Barca.

Well surprise surprise the locals won! Mark wrote a letter in today’s Garden Isle saying…

A few years ago, Priscilla and I visited Kaua`i and fell in love with the island. We kept coming back with family and friends, and eventually decided to plant roots ourselves. We bought land near Pila’a and our family is dedicated to preserving its wildlife and natural beauty.

We’ve heard from many in the community and learned more about the cultural and historical significance of this land. Over the past week, we’ve spoken with community leaders and shared that our intention is to achieve an outcome that preserves the environment, respects local traditions, and is fair to those with kuleana lands.

To find a better path forward, we are dropping our quiet title actions and will work together with the community on a new approach. We understand that for native Hawaiians, kuleana are sacred and the quiet title process can be difficult. We want to make this right, talk with the community, and find a better approach.

And bravo to all the locals! I wonder what the better approach will actually look like? Do you think it involves Mark Zuckerberg learning much jiu jitsu? Or selling all of his land and moving to southern Florida? Let’s wait and see!


If you can't ride on a great white's back, what useful purpose does it serve humanity?

Sobering: The (real) odds of shark attack!

If you live on the Byron stretch, think… ten percent. Oowee!

First, the numbers. On the seventy-click stretch of coast between Byron Bay and Evans Head, there have been 13 shark attacks since September 2014: an average rate of one shark attack every nine weeks.

Eight of those attacks occurred within 12 kilometres of Ballina, four of ’em happened within one kilometre of the rivermouth.

Despite the high concentration of shark attacks, some people insist that the risk is still extremely low. You might hear, for example, that many more people die on the roads. But, it is not appropriate to compare the rate of shark attacks with the national road toll because practically everyone is at risk of being in a car accident while very few people are exposed to the risk of shark attack.

Unfortunately, we don’t have reliable figures of how many people surf in Australia. But, if we say that one percent of the population surfs, then two shark attack deaths per year is equivalent to 200 road deaths. While this compares favourably with the road toll, which was almost 1,300 last year, the risk of shark attack is not evenly distributed throughout the surfing population. It varies depending on which stretch of coastline is surfed and how long each surfer spends in the water.

As for time spent in the water, this obviously varies a lot from surfer to surfer, but if we apply the 80/20 rule to, say, two percent of Ballina’s total population of 40,000 (800 surfers), approx. 160 surfers (20%) would account for eighty percent of the total time spent surfing.

Since there have been four attacks in two years, the risk would be about 1:20,000 for every hour spent in the water (200 x 200 / 2). The longer you spend in the water, the greater the risk; so if you spend an average of one hour in the water each day, the risk of being attacked in the course of a year would be about 1% or 10% in ten years.

On the basis of exposure, we can then match this subset of 160 surfers with 0.8 x 4 attacks per year, which elevates the risk of shark attack for these surfers to 3.2/160, or 2%. Since 3 of the area’s 14 shark attacks since 2008 were fatal, the risk of being killed by a shark would be almost 0.5%. There would still be variation within this group, so the risk to some could easily be double the average, approaching 1% for death and 3% for injury.

Another way to calculate the risk of shark attack is to consider the total number of hours spent in the water. I would estimate that over the past two years, about 200 days of the year produced surfable conditions at Ballina’s Lighthouse Beach and Shelly Beach, with a total average of about 200 hours spent in the water each day of surf.

Since there have been four attacks in two years, the risk would be about 1:20,000 for every hour spent in the water (200 x 200 / 2). The longer you spend in the water, the greater the risk; so if you spend an average of one hour in the water each day, the risk of being attacked in the course of a year would be about 1% or 10% in ten years.

Of course, the problem with numbers is that they tend to escape people who, deep down, don’t really care about other people’s lives. But, if you take the time to look at the statistics, you really can’t conclude that driving to Lighthouse Beach is more dangerous than surfing there. Sure, more people die on the nation’s roads. But, there are so many cars on the road, all day and every day, that the risk of dying in a car accident is a tiny fraction of the risk of shark attack in Ballina.

Imagine if tens of thousands of people died on the roads each year. Ponder that for a moment and you will get a sense of how it feels to surf around Ballina. The same applies to all the other mortality rates that people insist are worse than shark attacks. The inaccurate use of statistics only shows how little they care about the people affected by shark attacks.

(Note: this story first appeared on the Facebook page Ballina Happens.)


RIP: Another surf site bites dust!

The apocalypse keeps rolling!

I woke up early this morning in typical fashion, eyes blurry, head thick and reached for my phone to see if anything interesting happened in our surf world while I slept.

Nothing.

Ben Mondy wrote about surfing’s 6 hottest power couples for Grind and Venice-adjacent’s alt-right sometime water blog The Inertia posted a story on the hottest surf workout craze sweeping the midwest.

But nothing else. Nothing really new or exciting or even vaguely interesting. My own gossip lines had been relatively quiet and so I clicked over to StackingClips to see if anyone had put out a hot video.

Did you ever visit StackingClips? I was a fan. It had a simple mission, to deliver the day’s best surf videos unencumbered by opinion or text, and a simple, user-friendly layout. Just scroll and watch.

I clicked, anyhow, ready to scroll and watch but was sent to a GoDaddy “buy this domain” splash. What? And so I went to their Facebook and saw RIP.

And for some reason it made me more upset than the death of Surfing. I suppose in some ways I felt responsible. I would go semi-regularly and see if anything was worthy and if it was I would post on BeachGrit. I sometimes mentioned where I found the clip but not every time and I don’t every remember linking over.

I should have done better. Done more. Kicked to their site and socials etc. I suppose my takeaway is that I will do a better job of supporting, at least with mentions and links, the li’l surf things that I love moving forward.

We maybe all should.

And not be miserly with our praise, not forget to shine bright lights on the accomplishments of others in this ever shrinking surf space like those skinflint pussies at Stab.


Zeke Lau
"The light on the beach was gorgeous, so I asked Zeke if we could leave the Quiksilver House and walk down on the sand." And what happens next? Oh you'll die! | Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto

How to: Photograph Beach Studs!

Learn "power dynamics"! Discover how to snatch "untiring steel"

Question: have you ever wanted to take photos of real men, capturing the ebullience and the confidence, the intensity and untiring steel?

No? Me neither!

But, here, for the sake of self-examination and the case of tour rookie Zeke Lau, let’s ask Justin Jay, whose photos have been drizzled onto BeachGrit each day this week. Let’s talk “power dynamic!”

I’m in total control, while they remain off balance. It’s a power dynamic that some photographers relish and try to use to their advantage. I don’t enjoy it at all, it leaves me with that same jittery feeling in your gut you have while you watch a comedian bomb.

“It’s always interesting taking photos of people that are slightly nervous or uneasy in front of my camera,” says Justin. “It’s ironic that someone can battle life-threatening waves, but for a brief moment while they are in front of my lens, I’m in total control, while they remain off balance. It’s a power dynamic that some photographers relish and try to use to their advantage. I don’t enjoy it at all, it leaves me with that same jittery feeling in your gut you have while you watch a comedian bomb. I always try my best to shoot subjects in their own environment, surrounded by their friends etc. The light on the beach was gorgeous, so I asked Zeke if we could leave the Quiksilver House and walk down on the sand. It was a highly visible spot on the beach. Zeke could definitely sense all the prying eyes from everyone on higher ground. His anxiety was palpable and I felt almost guilty. The sunset lighting was breathtaking, but three frames were all that I needed. I knew that single expression I was seeing through my lens was the entire range of emotions that I was going to be able capture. I quickly nailed the shot and suggested that we head back up to the house. Once we returned to the relative privacy of his porch, his entire demeanour transformed. He was now back in his element with Reef McIntosh, Kanoa Igarahsi and the rest of this crew. I snagged another terrific shot of him laughing with the boys. After I left Hawaii and returned to NYC, he sent me a thank you note wishing me happy holidays and  letting me know that he thought the portrait we took was “mental.” A true class act.


Nick Carroll Tom Carroll
Nick Carroll, left, author of the best-selling book TC. | Photo: Sixty Minutes

Nug: “Nick Carroll Wins Pulitzer Prize!”

For piece, Which Boardies Suit Your Body Type!

After serving three decades as a stalwart ad writer for numerous surf-inspired clothing companies, Nick Carroll, brother to former world champion Tom Carroll, has reached the pinnacle of journalism — the Pulitzer Prize.

The clearly excited Australian got the news via a Facebook notification while competing in the Ironman competition, his 16th this year. The announcement was even sweeter because it came on the wordsmith’s 67th birthday.

“It’s an honour for sure, mate,” said Carroll while adjusting his size extra small Billabong rashie. “I can’t wait to share the news with the fellas at the next sibling rivalries support group. Sean Slater, Jeb Bush, Cooper Manning and Owen and Luke Wilson’s other brother, sorry I forgot his name, are going to be so jealous.”

The winning piece, titled “Which Boardies Suit Your Body Type,” appeared in the November 2016 issue of Australia’s Surfing Life.

The surfing bug hit Nick hard when he moved to Newport in 1961, and began surfing at age 11. But writing was his true passion. Carroll, who now makes his bones covering the surf culture beat for various companies that still murder trees to eke out a living, started his career as an aspiring pro surfer but soon, turned his attention writing fulltime. He had writing in his blood, as his father, VJ Carroll, was a noted journalist. 

“It’s an honour for sure, mate,” said Carroll while adjusting his size extra small Billabong rashie. “I can’t wait to share the news with the fellas at the next sibling rivalries support group. Sean Slater, Jeb Bush, Cooper Manning and Owen and Luke Wilson’s other brother, sorry I forgot his name, are going to be so jealous.”

Nick quickly climbed the ranks of surf writing and later became associate editor at Tracks, then editor of American surf magazine Surfing. His work has appeared in People Magazine, Rolling Stone, Men’s Journal and Kurungabaa.

More recently he co-authored his brother Tom’s biography, TC, which became an Australian Best Seller in 2015 with nearly 100 copies sold.

Carroll is probably most proud of a story he wrote exposing rampant drug use in surfing. Unfortunately, that story was never published. It was cut for space to make room for the 2010 ASL Wetsuit Buyer’s Guide.

Today, Nick enjoys patrolling the Internet like a one-man sharia gang. There isn’t a social media platform, blog or website he hasn’t commented on.

Congratulations Nick. You are a true gem that should be cherished