Mark Zuckerberg seen here throwing happy shakas to his Kauai'i neighbors.
Mark Zuckerberg seen here throwing happy shakas to his Kauai'i neighbors.

Breaking: Hawaiians crack Zuck!

Locals smash the heavy-handed imperialism of world's 6th richest man!

And son of a bitch. Do you think Facebook founder and world’s sixth richest man Mark Zuckerberg woke up this morning, rolled over in his very fine threadcount, sun breaking through the Bay Area’s freezing cold fog, gazed at his wife and said, “Why the FUCK did we ever buy land in Kauai? Southern Florida is nice too, right? Like tropical with warm water and fishes n shit. Pretty flowers. Right? You wanna know one thing southern Florida doesn’t have though? HAWAIIANS!”

If you are new to da drama here’s a quick catch up. Mr. Zuckerberg bought 700 pristine acres of Kauai, built a wall around it and started suing everyone to stay off. (READ HERE FOR FULL RECAP!)

Did the locals like it very much?

No!

Much rage etc. and I’m sure much discomfort when Mark and wife went to their local Foodland and got stuck in line behind Dustin Barca.

Well surprise surprise the locals won! Mark wrote a letter in today’s Garden Isle saying…

A few years ago, Priscilla and I visited Kaua`i and fell in love with the island. We kept coming back with family and friends, and eventually decided to plant roots ourselves. We bought land near Pila’a and our family is dedicated to preserving its wildlife and natural beauty.

We’ve heard from many in the community and learned more about the cultural and historical significance of this land. Over the past week, we’ve spoken with community leaders and shared that our intention is to achieve an outcome that preserves the environment, respects local traditions, and is fair to those with kuleana lands.

To find a better path forward, we are dropping our quiet title actions and will work together with the community on a new approach. We understand that for native Hawaiians, kuleana are sacred and the quiet title process can be difficult. We want to make this right, talk with the community, and find a better approach.

And bravo to all the locals! I wonder what the better approach will actually look like? Do you think it involves Mark Zuckerberg learning much jiu jitsu? Or selling all of his land and moving to southern Florida? Let’s wait and see!

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shootsthen
shootsthen
9 years ago

Good; the real konohiki were probably turning in their graves when they heard about this “the new Konohiki” BS.

nyc surfing golden boy
nyc surfing golden boy
9 years ago

KILL WHITEY? GAS THE JEWS? IM CONFUSED

shootsthen
shootsthen
9 years ago

I think most neighbor islanders share this feeling but Kauai even more so bc it’s so small here. That development you mentioned is for the “new konohiki”; ridiculous. The crowding (for surfers) has really increased in the last 5 years. Sadly, tourism and the accompanying growth are not slowing down, and worse, the infrastructure isn’t keeping pace. The only thing we can do is smile, embrace aloha, and enjoy it while we have it.

shootsthen
shootsthen
9 years ago

And one more thing; almost all mainland people who move to Kauai know nothing about Hawaiian culture or local values. Some eventually learn, most never do. I’m not too sure how many local Hawaiian friends Zuckerberg has – I’m being sarcastic. What mean to say is that it’s great that he’s willing to learn. Last thing, and sorry for going on and on but I know you live Kauai: there are lots of mentals breaking into homes – it would be stupid for a well known billionaire not to have a secure home.

shootsthen
shootsthen
9 years ago

Both of the properties he purchased were approved for residential development, which means two worst case scenarios are now out of the picture for now: 1. he develops/sells the parcels as they are approved now; or 2. he pursues even denser development approval. We should be thankful he wants to “preserve the land”, i.e., limit development. The last thing Kauaian kamaaina want is another princeville.

shootsthen
shootsthen
9 years ago

Personally, I’d rather have one billionaire who is sensitive to indigenous concerns than 700 entitled Californians that think this is America. I think it’s a good thing that Mark Z listened to the concerns of locals rather than going with the advice of his Oahu lawyer. Only an idiot would want Zuckerbook to sell and leave.

Abscessed Llama
Abscessed Llama
9 years ago

That intro paragraph was really good dude!

SharkAttack
SharkAttack
9 years ago

He should have brought a Defend Hawaii T shirt then he would have been given respect like a true soul surfer dude.

slater thenewdonkey
slater thenewdonkey
9 years ago

This is gold. I wish it was longer, solid piece nonetheless. In the end, I’m sure money will do the trick.

plug-butt
plug-butt
9 years ago

If you want a super long interpretation of the situation before MZ pulled out of the deal, there’s a website called The Inertia where a journalist Rory Parker covers the topic in detail.

Captain Clark
Captain Clark
9 years ago

There is more than one way to skin a cat. That’s my take. He figures to play Mr nice guy now to get what he wants.


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