North Point is like Mundaka. Unless it's pumping, holding a contest there smacks of desperation.
Margaret River, Day one:
Were you convinced after Snapper, that Slater had lost control of his fundamentals? I contacted my old buddy Nate Silver from sports/politics blog 538.com to run the ruler over the stats for Slats’ opening event as soon as Dell asked me to cover day one at Margs.
Apart from screwing the pooch on Trump like every other pollster, Nate’s the best numbers man in the biz. Me and Nate got tight after an horrific aquatic accident on Lake Okeechobee chasing a fall edge bite when Todd Kline rammed us at 50 miles per hour in his new Skeeter. That gave me an invaluable insight into the American judicial system, another story for a different time.
For now, lets look at Kelly’s numbers. They’re bad, man. How bad? Real bad.
Kelly rode 44 waves for an average wave score of, what? Take a guess. Five? Six?
3.87.
Under four in surf that was mostly good to great Snapper Rocks, one of the most rippable waves on earth. Only one of those 44 waves (2.27%) made the excellent eight-plus range. A perfect wave he flubbed so badly it should have been a 10. That wave was the source of the awks Fanning locker-room, bun-in-the-oven exchange (more on that in a minute.)
His average heat score after seven heats including today is a princely 12.57. It’s a miracle Kelly made the quarters at Snapper. His is a surfer in steep decline, according to the numbers.
You think, surely, something has to happen. Something. In the way that something always happened when Kelly paddled out in his prime. John John chose to live or die on the back ledge and finally speared a keeper. And then a flat-spin-to-full-rote with a duck-pillow landing. But still it wasn’t quite… happening.
We won’t go heat by heat from today. That’s crazy when the heat analyser is up and the twelve rounds saw so few highlights.
But, a few observations from day one.
- There’s now no functional difference between backside and frontside for tuberiding at the elite level. North Point is a technical tuberide with a secondary section, pinching top tube and waves that split in two. None of which bothered the goofies.
- Pros got totally lost in the lineup whether front or backside. The cognitive dissonance between the hype from the commentary and the often embarrassing performances from pros who clearly had no clue about the lineup reached it’s sparkling apotheosis when the best wave of the heats rifled down the ledge unridden, to be mind-surfed by Strider in the channel. It was a day to give viewers blueballs. So much teasing, so little release.
- You think, surely, something has to happen. Something. In the way that something always happened when Kelly paddled out in his prime. John John chose to live or die on the back ledge and finally speared a keeper. And then a flat-spin-to-full-rote with a duck-pillow landing. But still it wasn’t quite… happening.
It’s tempting now to spend every minute of the webcast as an indulgence in disaster porn, as a front row seat to the last days of the Roman Empire. North Point is like Mundaka. Unless it’s fully pumping, holding a contest there smacks of quixotic desperation.
Will Margies be cut from the Tour? Put yourself into the heart and mind of a suit from the city of Perth getting duchessed by the WSL and local glad handlers. Was that an impressive spectacle? Worth the few million a year the WA state government pumps into it? That would get a whole series of comps in Indonesia. A backup plan for the WSL? Go Third World while the brown man is still cheaper than the white man. How much of a Tour do they need to make a title?
It’s tempting now to spend every minute of the webcast as an indulgence in disaster porn, as a front row seat to the last days of the Roman Empire. North Point is like Mundaka. Unless it’s fully pumping, holding a contest there smacks of quixotic desperation.
Would three events in Indo do it? So many gorgeous what if’s.
What did you think of the rookies? Yes, they can surf, as Mike C noted. But as far as a bankable skill set for pro surfers go that’s not the number one priority. You need a marketable narrative. Unless your name is Bede Durbidge, pro surfing hates a hype-free rookie, a potential journeyman. A story is shield and spear for pro surfers. A story-less pro is a wounded gazelle on the savannah. They get chewed up and spat out and no-one laments their passing. Shrinking surf industry money meant a shrivelled up ad revenue for mags and hence less copy space, less ads for chancers on the QS. They now come to the CT as rank unknowns, a pretty queer turn of events for a pro sport.
I found one today though. Ian Gouveia. What a little card. He’s the Brazilian Mason Ho. An insanely stylish little hyper-active fire plug of a surfer. How was that little double shaka kick out and the instinctive backside tube-riding? Brazilian goofies got the best waves of the day. That’s truth.
Owen Wright made the millions watching online all over the world wince when he wore a sledgehammer lip to the head. He paddled away. Is that a successful stress test of the brain? I say yes.
Unlike Chas I see surf journalism as noble, as spiritual defence against days like these. I aspire to be the very best under-employed ( by choice, motherfucker) surf journalist in the game. It’s hard to come up with the words to summarise the game today.
The day got weird. Those backlit buffed Indian Ocean lines but no scores. It was a patient with the lifeforce ebbing away, leaving a beautiful corpse.
Those Drug Aware ads killed me. Aspire to be the best you can be. I haven’t touched a drug for months/weeks (at least weeks), not a beer, not a joint, nothing, apart from one dexy when my mate sold his house.
Unlike Chas I see surf journalism as noble, as spiritual defence against days like these. I aspire to be the very best under-employed ( by choice, motherfucker) surf journalist in the game. It’s hard to come up with the words to summarise the game today.
In the grand scheme it signifies nothing apart from a governing body looking for novelty to energise a stale Aussie leg.
Now go home and get your fucking shine box Sebastien Zietz for dropping that ten as I was about to hit send.
How sick was that? This sport kills me.
Yep! I’m in the same boat!
Was surprised how useless the pros were out there. It was always gonna be shit waves. Every local knew it cos the swell direction was south. Anyone with google maps and an amateur knowledge of surfing coulda predicted the waves would be shit…
I can only remember taj crapping himself trying to escape from being swallowed by that barrel. 9.9 for never disappearing
Didn’t the cliff at south point collapse on a bunch of people for a reason?
only Longtom can get me to use my “daddy time” locked in the bathroom with my laptop…
Ahh Eugene, you’ll still be watching tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that…
Why were Ronnie and Pete dressed like communists when the broadcast started?
to appeal to the Chinese Communist Party.
That wave had a nasty foamball.
I like the sardonic one. Can you guys make the sardonic one write more?
Yeah so I saw all the chatter on my internet things about how it was supposed to be all time and firing and all that, and I mean, I know as well as all of you that the forecasts always lie, but I decided to believe the hype.
So I interviewed a couple girls about bikes and I went surfing in (stupid) raging off-shores and got blown out to the fucking islands. And then I thought, why the hell not I’ll watch some heats. It’s supposed to be amazing! Maybe it’ll be fun. Maybe it’ll be more fun than getting blown to the fucking islands.
It was… not that fun? All the bros just seemed like they were bobbing around out to sea? Idk. Maybe the WSL needed some kind of neon sign. Peak Here! Sit here! I mean, I sometimes need that kind of thing, so maybe the pro bros do too? Idk.
Anyway, during the time it took to cook my pizza, no waves were ridden which just about sums up my experience trying to watch heat 1 of the Australia thing. Maybe it’ll get better! I like to be optimistic about these things.
Was the Seabass 10 the longest barrel in ASP/WSL history? I counted 8 seconds.
Simultaneous orgasm with Pete Mel was never on my bucket list, but there you go. I hope the Earth moved for you too, Seabass.
You left out Ellen in the channel. A 3-some on live face-cast, possibly seen by 1000 people.
You mean 1000 BILLION. I know I should feel ashamed, but I don’t
Peter Mel needs a good punch in the gut everytime he lets out his spastic laughs when someone does something half-way decent on a heat, so fuckin annoying
A slapstick, vaudeville theme. Pottz would play Moe.
Wait, what? Nate Silver + fishing accident? For real? Tell it, man!
Right? I’d read that.
Maybe the booth should be talking about how shitty Slater Designs really are. All they are is the Emporer’s court afraid to tell him (and the public) the truth.
Didn’t you read the post a few weeks ago? Slater Designs and the WSL are basically the same…its all a conspiracy. Plus, we all know he’s not riding the same boards that he sells to the public
Is he still on the cough..Simons cough.. I mean Slater designs?
Whenever i watch Kelly surf, i think he should be on different boards – maybe a little bit longer, less wide, and less thick, haha, he needs to go retro but it seems he’s stuck on his “smaller, wider, thicker” shit – in my opinion. I’d like to see Kelly on Medina’s boards or Julian’s or Carissa’s or even Stu’s tomo . . . anything but his own boards.
Been waiting patiently for this!
All that hyping up, all that analysis of every swell theres ever been and some that haven’t. I felt like I was about to tune into something from the apocalypse and it looked… just average. I can’t say that I’d ever stuff myself over the ledge out there but for all the talk it proved itself every bit as fickle as we all know it is.
Watching three blokes bobbing up and down getting two’s will be the same no matter where in the world they are.
I didn’t watch most of the day but was enough of a sad sack to watch the last few heats and have to say it was shit. Of course we will be subjected to replays of that 10 at intro to propaganda 101 levels to justify the decision to run at North Point but a quick scan of winning heat scores says otherwise.
I’m going out on a limb here but I think running at the box will suck balls too. Last time they ran there it was just blah. It’s a hard transition to go from 15 turns at Snapper to 1 if you’re lucky.
Aargh fuck I’m old and angry.
By the way love the wrap Longtom but that might be ’cause you’re kind of old too.
Ordinarily I’d be 100% behind this comment, but my man got through with a combined score of 4.9. Jeezus weeps.
Longtom dropping science and meaningful analysis. I’ll make a faustian pact with you Chaz/Derek; the BG “leadership team”. I’ll start clicking ads if you get Longtom on the books for the entire WSL.
What do you mean I,ll “make” a Faustian pact? That horse fled the stables long ago..tom.
Yeah, North Point was a good tease today, flirting with just enough slab tubes for it and West Oz to remain part of the tour, you’d reckon. Certainly better than shitty beach break locations elsewhere. If they get Box and Main Break pumping in the next few days, well, that’s a nice variety for the pros to have expressed themselves with and competed in. Maybe they could add the rights at Margs Bombie as another possible venue, so the competitors are fully tested in some proper big waves. After all, that’s what Margs is meant to be all about. And yeah, i agree, Indo should be back on the Championship tour for some more perfection. So should Sunset Beach and Haleiwa for other reasons. All would-be world champs should be thoroughly tested end of year in Hawaii, not just Pipe.
Nah today would’ve been the day any short fused pro with an ounce of independent thought (I jest, I know) should’ve gone out in a blaze of glory following in the footsteps of Bobby ‘Tennis Balls’ Martinez.
I imagine anybody could have gone out in a ‘blaze of glory’ at Main Break today. Most probably didn’t pack big enough boards anyway…
Sure Main Break can hold size but its kind of a big burger, albeit a powerful one. It ain’t exactly a hotbed of progressive surfing (look at the age profile of the regular crew – its called Jurassics for a reason!)
That’s a fact. Long live our dinosaurs! But i am of the opinion the world tour needs to include breaks of all type, you know, perfect point breaks (like J-Bay and Snapper), heavy slab ledges and intensely focused reef tubes (like Chopes and Pipe), carving walls (like Bells), thumping beach breaks (France and Portugal), quality small wave air venues (like Trestles), even a shitty beach break because that’s bread and butter for many (like Rio). That said, a big wave deep water reef like Margs should be in the mix too. Main Break in all her moods is a good test, not just riding the wave itself, but deciphering the lineup, equipment choice and wave selection. Plus you have options at the Box and North Point now too. But i am biased, born and raised in West Oz. Cheers.
if Margaret river is cut when places like rio are still on tour ill cry