Two of the greatest surfers on earth bog and flail!
They're just like us!
Did you stay up late (in America) or spend your
holiday (in Australia) waiting for Kelly Slater vs. Mick Fanning in
Round Three of the Bells Classic brought to you by Barton Lynch and
ski gloves? The match materialized, after Fanning beat Ethan Ewing.
Kelly Slater had gone straight from Round One after beating Josh
Kerr and Ian Gouveiar. It was hinted that this was the earliest in
a professional surf event the two titans had ever met.
It was an Easter Miracle!
Both surfers have been on, or near, the top for so long that
expectations soared. Plus the waves at Winkipop seemed custom made
for a clean, knowledgeable attack. And lets not forget Mick’s
attempted take-down of Kelly at Snapper. Asking him about his oven
mitt or something to which Kelly kicked Mick under the nearest
passing bus.
They paddled out, the world on the edge of its seat, and…
…surfed terribly! Both of them! Hitching turns, bogging rail,
falling, falling, falling, mistiming sections, claiming 6 point
rides, paddling way to far up the point, falling.
I have no idea which angle Stab was watching. Their
morning’s coverage reads:
The biggest matchup of the day went down between Mick
Fanning and Kelly Slater in heat four of round three. And while
Kelly certainly showed up, Mick was efficient, utilising a similar
tactic in vein to his heat prior with Ethan. Mick’s critical wave
selection provided him with the long, open faces he needed in order
to wrap and run circles around Kelly. With two scoring rides of a
7.00 and 6.50, Mick sent Kelly packing from the Australian leg of
the tour after he managed to pick up only a 6.83 and 5.60.
None of this happened, other than the scores, which brings us to
the true Easter Miracle.
For one brief 40 minute window in time every third surfer from
Tijuana to Ventura and every second surfer from Melbourne to
Surfers Paradise was better than both Kelly Slater and Mick
Fanning. Pat yourself on the back and order yourself a custom made
WSL singlet with your name on it.
Way to go, tiger. You earned it.
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Slater Pool vs Scientology!
By Michael Ciaramella
Family enlists Kelly Slater in bid to woo estranged
brother away from religion…
About a month ago, our comments
moderator Negatron urged me to follow up on an interesting
comment left on Chas’ article Awards: Enchantment Under the
Sea.
Here’s what the poster had to say, in regards to Chas’
Scientology spiel.
I took Negs’ tip and contacted Brett Reisdorf, who just so
happened to live in Encinitas, CA, to see if he’d be keen for a
chat. The following conversation was recorded on sunny, if somewhat
blustery, afternoon at Seaside Reef.
BR: My grandparents (on both sides) were the first generation to
get involved with Scientology. L Ron Hubbard was doing lectures at
this time – that’s where my Dad’s dad bumped into it in Iowa back
in the fifties. This was before it was Scientology, when it was
still called Dianetics. My mom’s side of the family got involved a
little later, so both of my parents were born into it. Then they
met on the ship that L Ron was traveling on. My dad was a deckhand
and my mom was one of L Ron’s caretakers.
Have you ever been a Scientologist?
Right before I was born my parents were kicked out by the
current leader. When I was born we moved back to South Africa to
live with my mom’s parents, who were still very high up in
Scientology, and they safe-housed us without the Church knowing,
because otherwise they would have made us disconnect (the Church
forces parishioners to cease all contact with family members who
actively speak against Scientology). So I grew up in the house with
it, but I never grew up in the study room.
I watched your episode
(click here) on Leah Remini’s show, Scientology and
the Aftermath, and found out that your brothers got involved
with the organization. What’s the deal with that?
We all grew up in California and were not connected to the
Church, but occasionally we’d travel back to South Africa, where my
brothers would see the other side of the family who were still
Scientologists – my mom’s sisters and stuff. At some point their
prodding got into my brothers heads, and it was like this little
seed that threatened to grow.
Eventually we went back to South Africa for my wedding, and my
youngest brother Craig, who had just graduated high school, was
supposed to go from South Africa to Oz and then Indo in order to
surf and explore the world. He was 18 and ripping.
At some point my mom’s sister put this guilt trip on him, and it
worked. So while I was there from the wedding I was literally
watching my brother become a Scientologist. Craig bailed on his
trip to stay in South Africa and study the religion.
When Craig came back to San Diego he officially joined the
Church then got my other brother to join. My parents saw the
writing on the wall that disconnection was gonna happen, so they
just started pretending. Their efforts in rejoining were purely to
keep the family together.
But you were able to get your other brother, Brandon,
back. How?
Someone brought up the HBO show, Going Clear, on social media,
and my brother defended the Church. That was an opportunity for us,
because we knew the guy he was arguing with, so we actually fed
this guy a bunch of info, like, “Say this to Brandon as if it were
coming from you.” In Scientology, you’re trained to not look at the
media, so this was one of our only ways in. Even if they do see it,
they generally don’t believe it because they’re taught that these
evil people are just trying to go against what’s right.
Our friend really helped out with that, then we got Brandon a
trip to Las Gaviotas, and we brought a few ex-members of the Church
to help with de-programming him. We had Brandon down there in Mex
and he didn’t really have the ability to get away, so we just kinda
laid it on him. Then he finally caught onto all the lies and kinda
snapped, and that’s when he went and threw a hammer at the Church
(as seen in the Leah Remini episode). He was just yelling like, “I
want my brother back!”
But you haven’t had so much luck with
Craig?
No. At this point Craig was slowly cutting ties. He wouldn’t
answer phone calls or come visit so it was pretty obvious what was
happening (disconnection). We’ve tracked him all over southern
California. We’ve found him a few times and sent him messages of
love, but it’s almost impossible to get a hold of him. We actually
need to find him again, because he keeps moving.
We explained the situation to Kelly and asked him to help us get
Craig back. I brought up the concept of having Kelly tell my
brother he won a ticket to the wavepool through some online
drawing, because there was no way Craig would turn down that
opportunity. From there, our whole family would be waiting at the
pool to meet him.
But you’re thinking that surfing can help lead Craig
back home?
We hope! We’ve certainly been trying. For instance, Craig’s
allergic to neoprene, so if he gets a new wetsuit he’ll break out
in a full-on rash, but if he gets a used one he’s stoked. I’ve been
giving him my old suits, trying to remind him that we love him.
And what about the Kelly thing?
I sent a letter to the Kelly that I hoped would help win Craig
over, because I know that my brother looks up to Kelly similarly
that he would David Miscavige (the current Scientology leader).
Basically we explained the situation to Kelly and asked him to help
us get Craig back. I brought up the concept of having Kelly tell my
brother he won a ticket to the wavepool through some online
drawing, because there was no way Craig would turn down that
opportunity. From there, our whole family would be waiting at the
pool to meet him. The only hitch was the plan included Leah
Remini’s camera crew, because they were super interested in that
idea for the show.
To my surprise, Kelly responded and was really into the idea. He
was like, “Yeah, let’s do this! How do we make it happen?” But when
the show’s producer wrote a letter to Kelly’s agent, they
unfortunately had to decline. Supposedly ownership of the pool
denied it.
And that was interesting to you…
Yeah, well first of all, Chas has often hinted that Kelly has
ties to Scientology. I like to think this isn’t true. We’ve talked
with a lot of ex-higher-ups, like Leah Remini’s co-host Mike
Rinder, who have assured me that if Kelly played any role in the
Church, they would know. What’s interesting, however, is Dirk
Ziff.
You know how the WSL bought rights to Slater’s pool? Well that
makes Dirk Ziff its legal owner. It also turns out that Dirk’s
uncle, David Ziff, was/is (there is a discrepancy within the Church
over David’s status as alive/dead) a major player in the Scieno
community. The only other thing that ties Dirk to the Church is
that he’s used the company Gensler for multiple projects throughout
his career, and Gensler builds all of the Scientology Ideal Orgs
(high-end churches). It’s not much, but it’s something.
All I know is, Kelly seemed really keen on helping out but then
his manager got back to me saying ownership of wavepool denied
request with no further comment.
Anything else?
I just ask that people are kind to myself, my brother and the
rest of my family. This is a very delicate situation and it affects
us greatly.
Boy do I love a good conspiracy theory! The
Ziff-Scientology-pool thing might be stretching things, howevs.
While this story intrigues, it’s clear we don’t have all, if
any, of the answers. Do any of our readers have a connection to the
Scientology world? If yes, please share any thoughts and info on
the subject!
We wish the best of luck to the Reisdorf family in rescuing
their estranged brother/son Craig, and if you feel so inclined to
join Brett’s crusade, go ahead and like their Facebook page
Surfing
to Stop Scientology.
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Ron Blakey and the magic “R!”
By Chas Smith
Plus other observations from a fabulous day of
professional surfing!
I don’t know how any true surf fan could
be frustrated whilst enjoying yesterday’s Round 1 action
of the Rip Curl Classic. What was lacking in high risk/high reward
was more than made up for by statesmen-like approaches to simple
2-3 foot waves. The true surf fan doesn’t always need to be wowed.
He appreciates the subtleties. The “small but sturdy house” to
steal a phrase from Matt Warshaw.
Here are my questions:
Is Ron Blakey now your official favorite commentator? Do you
think he is more handsome than Turps? More well-spoken than The
Condor? Do you love his easy-going Australian flair? His adding the
letter “R” to Brazilian names? That’s one of my favorite parts.
Gabe Medinar, Ian Gouvier, Adriano de Souzer, Miguel Pooper,
Filipe Toleder… It is good.
Is Ross Williams the best coach ever? John John Florence is
fresh of his maiden world title yet is exhibiting zero sophomore
slump. His foot, if anything, is pressing even harder on the necks
of the competition. At this rate he will have title two wrapped by
Fiji and I think we have to credit Ross. Don’t you? Like San
Antonio Spur’s coach Gregg Popovich, he digs under what should be
complacency and lights a fire.
Will Kolohe Andino someday win a title? He looked good out
there. Not John John good but good enough to win if John John got
hurt which makes me wonder if Kolohe is currently the second best
surfer in the world? What do you think? Do you think he is better,
at this moment, than Gabe Medinar?
When will professional surfing finally become what it was built
for? I watched many heats with a good friend and it was, as
previously noted, enjoyable but it would have been much better in a
comfortable velvet chair in Las Vegas beneath a giant screen.
Imagine the bets you could make. Obviously which surfer will win
each heat but the over/under on, say, Glyndon Ringrose. If Barton
Lynch will start his post-heat interview with the word “Mate.” The
number of times Gabe Medinar will look back at the judges. It would
be the greatest five hours ever spent.
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How to: Sue a North Shore Lifeguard!
By Derek Rielly
Almost drown. Get saved. Hire a lawyer…
One of the lesser known treats of being in the
life-saving game is the potential for a ruinous
lawsuit.
Man goes for swim, gets in trouble, his ass is pulled out of the
water, winds up a little brain-damaged ‘cause of the time he spent
underwater, hits the lifeguard who pulled him out with court
action. Makes a million bucks, spends it on hookers and reefer.
(The rest he wastes on nursing care.)
It’s why for the last fifteen years North Shore lifeguards,
those studs who’ll drag you off the reef at Pipe or out of the rip
at Waimea, have had a state-funded limited liability
protection.
However that protection is going to expire in June and hopes
that the immunity was going to be extended were squashed yesterday
by State House lawmakers.
And, according to Khon2,
The Hawaii Association for Justice does not support immunity
for lifeguards. In written testimony, it stated “only lifeguards
are allowed to perform at a substandard level by providing them
with immunity against their negligent performance of lifeguard
services.”
State Representative Scott Nishimoto said in a statement
that the amendments created a fair bill that protects lifeguards
and the public. He said, “No other first responders, such as
firefighters, police officers, or EMT ambulance personnel have
statutory immunity to perform their duties at a level below
reasonable care.”
Mark Healey, who rides Great Whites and Great Waves, ain’t
buying the change in the game.
What’s your take? Should a lifeguard be dragged through a civil
court for a rescue that goes wrong? Would the threat of
opportunistic lawsuits turn ’em into
whistle-blowing-don’t-go-near-the-fucking-water nazis even when
it’s three foot, like Australia’s volunteer surf lifesavers?
Watch ’em in action here.
And if you want more, how about the time Ev Geiselman nearly got
iced.
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Question: Could you win Bells today?
By Chas Smith
Honestly. Measure your talent against the
tableau!
Are you watching the contest? Of course you are
and you are seeing those soft little rights working through the
“Bells Bowl” and you are thinking, “That looks fun!” Oh I know the
contest has just been called off for an hour so they can move the
shootin’ match to Winkipop because Kelly Slater threw an absolute
fit, but back to Bells. Doesn’t it look fun for you and me?
Of course it does! These are the waves you and I surf fairly
regularly! Soft little rights that flatten out and burger yet we
feel, in our sinews, “Sick. Just scored the wave of the
winter.”
I watched the first five heats of the first round and, truly,
honestly, thought “I could put up a 3.75 and a 3.21 on these
waves.” Not a world title, obvs, but an almost respectable almost
7.00 heat total.
I would start with the take-off, “bottom turn” then head into
the lip and “top turn.” After that I’d straighten out and pump down
the line for a minute before thinking, “This wave is still
running!” and starting my wrap around carve which would gently take
me back to the whitewash and then a conservative rebound followed
by a “What? This wave is still running!” and a “smack” off the top
to end it all.
I would have finished the wave. The judges would be forced to
score me a high three. Or a low three. Respectable.
Am I right?
I Twittered Matt Warshaw to make sure I was and he responded, “I
could maybe build a small but sturdy little house out there today,
yes.”
Yes, I am right. And does this make you love Bells more? That
you could lose the heat to two professionals but feel “I only lost
by a couple points to two professionals!” in your sinews?