Eight foot White dances in front of Kelly Slater. Champ stays out, catches two waves. Nothing but contempt for these frisky animals!

Great White (Doesn’t) Spook Slater at Lowers!

Michael Ciaramella

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Great White breaches in front of champ. He keeps surfing.

It’s been almost a while since our last shark fright in SoCal.

For a minute there, it felt like we might have a legitimate issue on our hands. Like we were gonna be the next Ballina or Reunion or lesser-known-but-equally-as-potent sharkbite hub, Maui. Luckily our whites are small and seem mostly non-aggressive, unless you’re a bather who decides to dance with a blood-spurting seal. (Is that really what happened, or are the fine people of San Clemente just victim-shaming?) Anyways.

According to recent reports, the sharks are still around, so any sense of surf-zone confidence is nothing more than ignorance disguised as bliss. None know this better than Robert Kelly Slater, who spent last evening frolicking close to a prehistoric beast. He said:

Do you think it was necessary, though, to add, “There were six people out and I think four of us saw it jump. Caught a couple more waves” *shaka*? Or was that a bit much?

Not one to claim his dick without swinging it, Slater dove deep into Lower’s camera rewind to find this blurry splashing out the back (This should be a video, but there’s no way (to my knowledge) to link an Instagram story. Imagine a small portion of the blue screen turning white for a brief moment, and you have the essence of the clip.)

Proof? Sure. But did you really doubt him in the first place? Did anyone? Kelly seems a little paranoid about his public persona, but maybe that’s a natural response to surf sites and their overzealous commenters psychoanalyzing his every move.

So, does this recent shark sighting make you feel anything? Has the fear risen from your toes, taken a quick pitstop to constrict the testicles, before continuing to erect every follicle across your hide? Or do you not give a fuck whatsoever?

I’m leaving for Costa tomorrow so leaning toward the latter.

Search: Rip Curl want “best dressed!”

Chas Smith

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Australian surf company seeks to raise sartorial bar!

The Rip Curl Cup in Padang Padang, Indonesia has been a historically wonderful event. Didn’t Jamie O’Brien win it once? I think he did. And didn’t a boat once shipwreck on the reef there and spill tons of oil into the water but Rip Curl ran, like, the next day anyhow? All foggy but I think true. And while I may have general beef with Rip Curl for being overly conservative and super afraid of hard-hitting surf journalism, we can totally agree on Padang Padang.

The upcoming contest, which has a waiting period from July 10th to August 1oth, is set to feature some of the most exciting surfers alive. The lineup of international surfers includes:

1) Tom Curren

2) Mason Ho

3) Damo Hobgood

4) Bruce Irons

5) Kai Otton

6) Bruno Santos

7) Clay Marzo

8) Jack Robinson

9) Jacob Wilcox

10) Ryan Burch

“Of these ten international surfers…” Rip Curl notes in the rules “…only eight will receive a spot in the event. Entry granted on a first-come, best-dressed basis.”

First-come, best-dressed?

Best-dressed?

Now before you send me over to Stab magazine’s Morgan Williamson’s house for an asymmetrical tongue lashing (I’m worried that he’ll call my young child mentally and physically retarded or write that my parents should be euthanized for being “dumb fucks”) I know that the phrase first-come, best-dressed is Australia’s equivalent to America’s first-come, first-served.

But let’s pretend for a minute that it is literal. Wouldn’t that be more fun? And which of the ten listed surfers is the best dressed?

Tom Curren?

Clay Marzo?

Damo Hobgood?

I’m pulling for Damien and, Damien if you are reading please feel free to stop by my house for a suit.

But who are you pulling for? Which of these ten is best-dressed in your mind?

Utopia: Electric Flying Surfboards!

Derek Rielly

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Twelve thousand dollars apiece! Plus shipping and tax.

A little real talk. Most of us are butchers on our surf crafts.

We either go too slow, too fast, we’re too loose, too stiff, our cutbacks are too far on the face or we pointlessly launch into the air.

At some point, surely, a surfer recognises the futility of time and money wasted and moves towards a pursuit that suits his failings. Golf, for instance, or wandering, ever so sadly, around shopping centres on Saturday mornings with wives who long stopped reciprocating affection or desire, who feign sleep in bed, whose bodies stiffen at your touch.

Which is why the clip below elevates my heart rate and kicks my spirits into the skies. Surf like the Hawaiian prince Kai Lenny on a hydro-foil and… best part… no skill necessary!

The electric flying surfboard’s inventor Nicholas Leason explains his vision:

To harness the power of a wave and surf like a bird, although extremely rewarding, is difficult. Not because riding a foil is hard, but controlling the source -flying a kite or surfing a wave- takes skill. To harness that type of power and gain excellent control is something that may take years to master.

So I set out to make it easy.

I started with the simple task of strapping an electric motor to our foils. My team and I took some parts we had in the shop, cut holes in them, bought some parts off the shelf and pretty much duct-taped pieces together. It took some tweaking, but eventually we got our first ride of about 50 feet. 

From that moment on, I was possessed. Imagine taking someone that has never dreamt of surfing, deep powder snowboarding or flying. A person that doesn’t live the extreme lifestyle and within minutes they feel it all. They’re soaring like a bird, carving butter smooth turns and experiencing the freedom of flying through the freeways of the ocean, rivers or lakes. That was my goal, but what I thought would take a year to build took a whole lot more.

Anyway, took a few years, but the company Lift Foils is taking pre-orders for their electric flying surfboards. They cost twelve thousand American dollars, plus shipping and tax, and you gotta sling ’em a six-gee deposit to show ’em you’re serious.

Order here. 

 

 

 

The skinny: Cristian Bosco, a Spanish-born surfer, went on a trip to Bali to experience its surf and culture. A month-and-a-half later, still enjoying his Indonesian sojourn, Cristian experienced an incessant nosebleed. A trip to the hospital resulted in devastating news -- he'd contracted acute lymphoblastic leukemia, a cancer of the blood and bone marrow. The Balinese doctors are incapable of treating the disease, and because he lacks proper travel insurance, Cristian is unable to fund an emergency medevac back to Spain -- a one-way fare of $140,000.

Play God: Save another Surfer’s Life!

Michael Ciaramella

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Help a dumb-ass who went to Bali without travel insurance… 

Be honest, when was the last time you did a good thing?

I won’t utter the term selflessness, because in this condition we call human, there are only selfish actions. Bank robbers are just as selfish as Red Cross volunteers are just as selfish as Trump re: ice cream.

Certain types of selfishness are more socially justifiable than others but, in the end, we do what makes us feel good. Sometimes feeling good means rolling around in a pile of undeserved Franklins, other times it means giving the shirt off your back. This time it could mean saving a life.

The skinny: Cristian Bosco, a Spanish-born surfer, went on a trip to Bali to experience its surf and culture. A month-and-a-half later, still enjoying his Indonesian sojourn, Cristian experienced an incessant nosebleed. A trip to the hospital resulted in devastating news — he’d contracted acute lymphoblastic leukemia, a cancer of the blood and bone marrow.

The Balinese doctors are incapable of treating the disease, and because he lacks proper travel insurance, Cristian is unable to fund an emergency medevac back to Spain — a one-way fare of $140,000.

According to his crowdfunding page, Cristian is stuck in Bali while the disease continues to worsen. Happily, the surfing community has contributed up to 82% of the medevac fee, and there’s still time left to donate. Surely, by 2017, you know what to do.

While weighing your options, keep in mind that this could happen to any single one of us. When was the last time you got your entire body scanned for tumors? Never? Yeah, Cristian probably hadn’t either.

Plugging tunnels one day, bed-ridden and dying the next. C’est la vie.

So don’t be selfish. Or, actually, do. But be the good kind of selfish and donate today!

Help: We’re hopelessly diseased!

Chas Smith

By

The "is surfing a sport?" debate laid to rest forever!

The sun set at its normal time last night and Michael Ciaramella came over to examine a bee colony currently infecting the roof of my home’s guest unit. I had noticed the bees a few weeks ago, maybe a month, flying in through a vent. Worldwide bee die-off is a serious problem, I think, so was happy to host the bees at first but then they spilled outside the roof and it is time for them to move.

Michael told me it, is in fact, past time. That the bees’ honey will drip down the walls and cause lasting damage. I entertained just giving them the whole guest unit but living next to the world’s largest hive could prove problematic.

After he left I poured another drink and scrolled through Instagram, stopping on a picture of Julian Wilson threading a very fine barrel at Cloudbreak that was shot earlier that day. I then went over to Julian’s own Instagram feed and saw that he had been home just one week ago.

And it was either the bee infestation or the other drink but it really struck me how hopelessly diseased we all our. Very infected with surfing. Julian Wilson had been on Tavarua through the final day of competition at Cloudbreak two weeks ago, having made it all the way to the quarterfinals. He then flew home and then flew back to surf some more and just because. Not for points or for glory or fame or any other reason, as far as I can tell, than just because.

The NBA season ended a few weeks ago as well and what if LeBron James, say, went straight to New York and played all day in pick-up basketball games? What if Russell Westbrook flew straight to France so he could play on some new courts?

Sure,  all next level athletes train in their offseasons but Julian Wilson isn’t training for J-Bay by going back to Cloudbreak. He was, I think, compelled by a good swell and the never satiated desire for barrel.

I think this addiction that all surfers share, to some extent or another, is precisely why surfing isn’t a sport. Why it is nearer the opioid crisis than any other professional league. But what do you think?