The Secret Life of Bees (and Me)!

The best thing I've done all year!

It was mentioned earlier that I had picked up a secondary job but that is simply not true.

In reality I picked up a primary job, in the sense that it will be my main form of income. Turns out BeachGrit can’t compete with bees.

That’s right folks, I’ve taken up the practice of live bee rescue, or ethical excavation if you’re into illiteration. It’s a wonderful job and Derek wants me to tell you about it.

I have a friend, Jeff (who’s been mentioned here), that singlehandedly runs and operates a bee excavation service. It is called Bee Removal and functions primarily in the San Diego region. It’s one of the only services in the region that doesn’t kill the bees, which, if you haven’t heard, is a problem for the future of the world and also hungry bears.

And the bees? They’re credible creatures. Allow me to share some knowledge from my first days of work:

• Swarms of bees are (mostly) not dangerous. If you see a mass of bees moving in a certain direction, it’s because they’re migrating to a new home. Because they have nothing to protect at this time, they have no reason to attack you. However, if you witness a swarm approach your home and focus around a roof, tree, etc., call an excavator immediately. This is the best way to avoid an infestation.
• Bees have particular jobs. There are scout bees, whose job it is to locate potential homes. There are forager bees, whose job is to collect pollen. There are worker bees, whose job it is to build and maintain the hive. There are drones, whose job it is to impregnate the Queen. The Queen’s job, of course, is to lay the eggs (up to 1,000 per day).
• Male bees are essentially sperm donors. The males, also known as drones, have but one job and that is to fuck. I don’t know how bees fuck, but I imagine it’s something of a gangbang with the honey-lubed Queen acting as a receptacle. Once they’ve delivered their seed, the males are kicked out of the hive and left to die.
• Bees are mostly non-confrontational and easily manipulated. My boss often goes into hives wearing nothing more than a vail (hat with a protective face covering). No gloves, no suit, nada. This speaks both to his and the bees’ general tranquility. Further, it’s incredibly easy to transport bees to a cardboard box (for eventual drop-off to a beekeeper). All you gotta do is find the Queen (easier said than done), toss her in the box, and watch them flock to her. If you can’t find her, no worries, just toss the bees into the box with your hand, or guide them with a smoker. You are the General and they are your little soldiers!
• Killing bees doesn’t do shit. If you’ve got a bee problem, never call an exterminator. They’ll kill the the fuckers with a lethal spray and plug the entryway, but that only works for so long. Because the exterminators fail to remove the honeycomb, another bee colony will smell the honey and find another way to reach it. In order to truly rid yourself of the infestation, someone needs to remove the the hive and clean the area thoroughly by hand.

And that’s after just two days! Imagine what I’ll learn in a week…

This job is built for me with its flexible hours, dynamic office space, and solid earning potential. That said, I haven’t been stung yet, so who knows how I’ll feel after an encounter with an aggressive hive.

I’m just happy to be learning every day and utilizing of those would-be-lounging hours.

BeachGrit is fun but can lead a man to idle. Bees give me reason to wake up at dawn and return home sweaty and exhausted.

Is this what being a man feels like?