It is my birthday today and I am choosing to
spend it with Gabriel Medina. Professional surfing’s favorite bad
boy. Professional surfing’s naughtiest minx. I’m choosing to swim
in a fountain of his wonderful tears.
And how do you want your first runner up to act on the podium?
Do you wish for him to be genteel? Congratulatory to the winner?
Full of praise for the event, fans, staff, God?
Or do you wish for him to be so bothered that liquid frustration
pours from his very eyes?
I pray for the latter! Look at the above screen grab from the
Tahiti Pro ceremony where Julian Wilson was given the 1st place
trophy and Gabriel Medina was given the 2nd place platter. Study
the glistening eyes. Survey the tightness of the downturned mouth.
It is a study in anguish and it is what I want to see from the
first loser.
And now let’s continue our tour as we examine some other classic
moments when professional surfing’s smoothest criminal let it
go.
Happy birthday to me indeed.
And while we’re speaking of my birthday… what do you think
happens to Rip Curl sales when Gabriel Medina cries? Do you think
surfers are heartened by his passion and run to the outlet mall for
rash guard and walk short purchases or do you think surfers prefer
the #fakenews of typical back-patting “the better man won today”
sportsmanship nonsense?
I hope tears = Rip Curl rash guards + walk shorts.
Yesterday’s Tahiti final, wherein Australia’s
Julian Wilson extricated himself from needing a combination of
scores by picking two waves, one under priority, and surfed them
near perfectly thus vanquishing Gabriel Medina and the dreams of a
proud South American nation, was so wonderfully dramatic.
And it was grand to see Julian Wilson so happy on the boat
afterward reveling in the praise and the surreality but the star of
the entire Teahupo’o’o show was none other than Gabriel Medina.
For Medina’s semifinal heat against Kolohe Andino and then his
finals run against Wilson were cinema. Pure Hollywood.
Mr. Steve Sheare’r described the
action better than I ever could but what thrilled me
the most was that for the first time maybe ever surfing actually
has a villain. A proper bad guy. An evildoer who possesses enough
skill, talent, knowledge and drive to win many more events and
possibly many more titles.
Most professional surf fans look back so fondly on the Andy
Irons vs. Kelly Slater years and they were very fun with Andy
occupying the bad boy role and Kelly playing the good boy. Both
were near equally loved and cheered which was entertaining but…
…the visceral hatred pouring out against Medina is art.
The way he got under both Kolohe and Julian’s skin through
tactical annoyance. The way they both fell directly into his trap.
The way that most professional surf fans took to comment boards and
social media to decry the “poor sportsmanship.” Julian Wilson
(after getting very lucky, let’s just be honest) could only muster,
“Gabriel Medina has a big heart. Let’s leave that one in the
water.”
It could not have been better. I swore, near the end of the
semifinal, that I saw Kolohe kick his board toward Gabriel. I have
watched the highlights replay now twice and can’t find it so it
must not have happened but in my mind it did and that is the
performance Gabriel Medina is delivering. So full-throated, so all
in, that I imagine egregious acts.
Gabriel Medina is a method actor. He is Billy Zane in Titanic.
He is Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. He is Joan
Crawford in Mommy Dearest.
He is bad and it’s so good!
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Iron fist: WSL Bans Jewish website!
By Derek Rielly
Breitbart ads banned from Teahupoo broadcast at the
behest of San Diego shaper Rich Kenvin.
Earlier today, as the Billabong Tahiti Pro
skidded to a surprisingly exciting end in smallish grey Teahupoo,
the WSL website was festooned in ads for the right-wing website
Breitbart.com.
Breitbart, in case you didn’t know, is a news website that
really sticks in the craw of Castro-hat-wearing leftists for its
pro-Trump, anti-open borders, pro-Israel positions. Its founder,
Andrew Breitbart, switched the site from news aggregator to news
network a decade ago after a trip to Israel with his co-founder
Larry Solov.
Breitbart, Solov? Yeah, both Jews.
“One night in Jerusalem, when we
were getting ready for dinner,” says Solov, “Andrew turned to me
and asked if I would de-partner from the 800-person law firm where
I was practicing and become business partners with him. He said he
needed my help to create a media company. He needed my help to
“change the world”… We were blown away by the spirit, tenacity, and
resourcefulness of the Israeli people on that trip. Andrew could be
quite convincing, not to mention inspiring, and I decided right
there and then to ‘throw away’ (my Mom’s phrase) a perfectly good,
successful and safe career in order to start a ‘new media’ company
with Andrew Breitbart.”
Anyway, for a lot of people Breitbart represents the devil, for
others its a voice that ain’t often heard.
Richard Kenvin, who enjoys Castro hats and is characterised by
Coke bottle spectacles and who once won a pro event at Blacks, is
of the former. And when the Breitbart ads started lighting up the
WSL site he became terribly upset and loosed his fury on
Instagram.
Obviously, in that little echo-chamber the response was
uniform.
milesjackler Yay! Glad something could be done.
Cheers for making the effort aaronpores Nice job, Richard. A little gumption
and a few well-placed words go a long way. meyerhoffer Yep. mystic_looch ✌️ jallenz Post of the day. m_laraghy will.batman Great job!! @hydrodynamica arbosurfboards adamsurfs Thanks for speaking up! davodenis sli_boogie Well done @hydrodynamica @wsl
Are you as thrilled as the Rich Kenvin fans?
Or do you think, oowee, can’t a brother have an opinion anymore
unless it conforms to strict guidelines as laid down by San Diego
surfboard designers?
The WSL, Breitbart, and Kenvin have all been approached for
comment.
More soon, maybe.
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Tahiti Pro: “Medina blows final against
Wilson!”
By Longtom
Gives away priority and Julian nails a bomb to win
Tahiti Pro. It's done! An insane final.
The Universe. Benign, indifferent or
hostile?
I say benign.
Why else would God/Nature/Evolution make glacial blue head-high
peelers on a reef in the South Pacific and give us the ability to
ride inside them? Or let us marinate a bunch of diced tailor
(bluefish) fillets in lime juice and coconut milk* for a
morning poisson cru to start the day?
Are we, as a sport, disabused of the notion of white supremacy?
I believe so but Medina’s people took great umbrage to my
assessment of his attitude yesterday. My inbox was full of angry
emails despite my record of being one of Medina’s biggest fans.
And although it was neglected in previous coverage I had made a
call on Medina, to be confirmed by Beachgrit publisher D. Rielly
via text message yesterday. Further confirmation, via a tube-ride
to alley-oop in round five against Connor O’Leary, a clear
statement of intent.
Then a 10-point ride to start against Owen in the first quarter
final. Maybe a little overcooked by the judges but an inevitable
result of cumulative pressure. A gripping heat ensued. The Gabby
strategy: advancement by making mistakes, saw many nervous moments
as he hunted and stalked half-rides and low scores. The
clincher, an 8.23, looked a dramatic over-score designed to put
Owen out of contention but was fair balls in the wash-up.
Can we finally put this one to the big sleep. The
spelling/pronunciation of Teahupoo that is. Okina or
apostrophe in Polynesian languages is a glottal stop and signifies
the enunciation of both vowel sounds. In the case of Teahupo’o it
would make the last two sounds oh-oh. Which it ain’t. Chope-oo. The
oo is Polynesian deep, from the back of the throat not southern
Californian nasal.
What did it take to let that wave go to John
Florence? “Mainly that thing between my legs. It took big
balls” On heat strategy? “You learn as you get older- every day you
learn something new” And my favourite, “All the crumbs make a
loaf of bread.”
John Florence employed the Medina strategy in his super heat
against Jordy. Opened with two mistakes. Jordy caught the better
waves, riding without distinction but solidly. Was I the only surf
fan pining for a Superman over dry reef? Not to be. John clawed
back the lead with a skilled ride on a wave that Jordy passed up,
paddled back and sat in right up in Jordy’s grill. Jordy calmly
slotted the only set wave of the heat and that was that. Yellow
jersey for California.
One thing that did enter the excellent range was Jordy’s
post-heat pressers. The homespun wisdom was beautifully delivered.
What did it take to let that wave go to John Florence?
“Mainly that thing between my legs. It took big balls”
On heat strategy? “You learn as you get older- every day you
learn something new”
And my favourite, “All the crumbs make a loaf of bread.”
I got straight on the phone to Jordy’s people back in South
Africa and suggested a coffee table book of Proverbs, maybe
something that could be tacked onto the end of Gideon Bibles (after
the Book of Revelations, as a source of hope) and placed in hotel
rooms. Possibly even a new religion, with Jordy as the white-robed
leader. Could be a real goer as a post-professional surfing career
option.
Strange memories of the night before Andy’s last event win,
right here in Tahiti 2010, just months before he died. Golden light
and perfect head-high backlit tubes. Andy was glowing, ethereal,
gliding around the lineup like a ghost. Death had already seemed to
have cast its shadow upon the living but in reality he was probably
high, in that strange euphoric semi-death familiar to the opiate
addict. No judgement here, I love the oxy.
John got the AI award, a downbeat presentation given the
conditions. Strange memories of the night before Andy’s last event
win, right here in Tahiti 2010, just months before he died. Golden
light and perfect head-high backlit tubes. Andy was glowing,
ethereal, gliding around the lineup like a ghost. Death had already
seemed to have cast its shadow upon the living but in reality he
was probably high, in that strange euphoric semi-death familiar to
the opiate addict. No judgement here, I love the oxy. And If I end
up shuffling off the mortal coil on the end of a couple of oxy’s
and too many tallie’s don’t posit any nonsense about dying doing
what he loved. Just the machinations of an indifferent
universe.
Nothing indifferent about the Medina/Kolohe semi. It began and
ended with tactical supremacy from Medina. Trolling Kolohe
deep up the reef, then doubling back to spike the opening score.
Paddling him around, blocking, putting his body in his face. I
didn’t see a board flick by Kolohe against Medina, did you? It has
been reported. Chas will elaborate.
With a stranglehold on the heat, Medina paddled Kolohe right up
the reef to close it out. Masterful. Same thing he did to him in
2014 in ten-foot surf.
Medina starts the final with continuing physical intimidation.
How you like that action? Repulsed or turned on? Me, thrilled. Then
tube-threading and full-rail-cutdown-to-fins-free hooking. Taking
off deeper and there’s no need for the most ugly stance in surfing:
the double armed forehand stall, with that gross bent elbow leading
instead of delicately splayed fingertips. Wilson combo-ed at the
halfway point on the back of two sizzling rides from Gabs. Wilson
breaks combo with ten to go on the back of a long soft tube and
strong basic turns. Then roars back with a fins free sideways
take-off on a west bowl.
Medina blew it. He gave away priority and Julian nails a bomb to
get it. It’s done! An insane final.
Wilson dominates a benign day at Teahupoo, master for the day of
a benign universe that smiles on boldness and audacity.
Thus endeth the coverage of the Indo-Pacific (Grand Slam) leg of
the Tour. I hope you have, like me, enjoyed the highs and learnt
from the lows. We give the final shovel load to Henry Miller and
his concluding words from Tropic of Cancer, written about
professional surfing in the 1930’s.
“Human beings make a strange fauna and flora. From a distance
they appear negligible; close up they are apt to appear ugly and
malicious. More than anything they need to be surrounded with
sufficient space ― space even more than time.”
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Just in: Julian Wilson takes Tahiti!
By Chas Smith
One of the finest finals of all time!
Can you believe that Teahupoo (Better Mr.
Longtom? Proper enough?) is over? Can you believe that
nothing but nothing stopped its march straight to the final? Not
the many sides of white supremacy, not lower quality surf, not
temper tantrum surf board shooting, not Gabriel Medina’s apparent
demon possession.
Nothing!
Longtom will, of course, bring the most scintillating full
coverage in just a few moments but until then let’s just celebrate
Australia’s Julian Wilson.
And let’s also talk about Joe Turpel!
Most men, as they age, turn crackly and haggard. Too much time
in the sun. Too much hard livin. Too much vodka and it all goes
straight to the face. And the face turns crackly and haggard. Skin
that leathers. Red patches mix in with white patches. Eyes that
lose spark and stare dull-like, angry even, into the distance.
But look at Joe Turpel!
His face looks softer than a baby’s bottom. Fuller too. Skin
such an even shade of tan without one blemish. Eyes that gaze,
innocent and naive, into the distance. He looks like a doll. Like a
Russian Matryoshka doll and, speaking of, how much would you pay
for a set of WSL Matryoshka dolls? Waz inside Pete inside Pottz
inside Ron inside Joe.
$50.00?
$100.00?
Joe Turpel is surfing’s Benjamin Button. He is our fountain of
youth.
And congrats again to Julian Wilson coming back from a combo
situation in one of the greatest ever heats in professional surfing
history. Have you ever read a worse analysis of one of the greatest
ever heats in professional surfing history?