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Beach Grit

Confession: I don’t like short people!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

I don't like their tubes and I don't like their turns.

(This piece first appeared on Breitbart News)

Call me racist but I don’t like watching short people surf and this goes from Adriana de Souza all the way to Silvana Lima. I don’t like their turns I don’t like their tubes I don’t like their little arms holding trophies at the end of contests. I don’t like any of it and this goes from Keanu Asing all the way to Tyler Wright.

Go ahead. Tell me I’m a giant sexist pig but I ain’t backing down.

Now, I don’t necessarily like watching tall people surf either and this goes all the way from Owen Wright to Chas Smith. We look like flimsy willows about to blow right over all elbows and assholes but short people are worse. They look like they are garden gnomes who have been glued to their boards.

Be my guest. Paint me a homophobe. It won’t stop the way I feel.

Because I feel that there should be professional surfing height limits like there are at Legoland. You must be over 70 inches and under 75 inches in order to take the ride (for men) and over 65 inches and under 70 inches (for women).

This would be more pleasing for everyone. We could all truly and genuinely enjoy the show. Sure it is not the “politically correct” opinion but it is the right one. And one worth being branded a xenophobe to hold.