Nuclear: Apple tries to kill surf!

Computing giant wants you to eat up calls between sets. Revolution or apocalypse?

When I was a little boy my friend’s dad took us to eat at the nautically themed Gladstones Malibu, where Sunset Boulevard meets PCH. Diners get their leftovers wrapped in the form of a gold foil duck. Clutching their shiny gastro-trophies, they head back to their red Sebring convertibles and they’re off to LAX, or Irvine or wherever.

During this lunch I heard a faint ringing coming from a box thing sitting on our table. I was awakened. This was something exciting. As my friend’s dad opened the lid, the ring got louder.

“Hello,” he mumbled. I believe he was a psychiatrist to the stars.

I looked at my small friend in a new light. His dad had just taken a call at our table. I was in awe.

That call was a welcome distraction from the odor of tired lobster tank water and the dim hum of seagull cries. That call was the greatest thing to happen to our lunch. It broke the mold!

I had a similar moment making my first call from an airplane. Why not? Certainly better than staring at a bad movie on a tiny low-resolution screen. Calls on airplanes. A bit of an intrusion at first. But, OK. I could deal with that.

Why?

Because I knew there was one place left on earth where a phone call could never happen. The one sacred temple where I would never have to listen to a guy named Kirk from sales walk through his Powerpoint with the VP of Purchasing.

Until now.

So I’m an Apple guy. The design, the aesthetic. The form, the function. I’m all in.

But to tout the answering of a phone call while surfing?! Have they no concept of the magic of humanity? The bliss of nature?

I die.

We all die.

This reeks of Microsoft.

Targus.

Excel spreadsheets.

Bluetooth earpieces.

Polo shirts.

FILA Skele-Toes.

SUP.

The water cooler.

Conference calls.

Everything that is bad.

And what will happen next?! Will the waters be patrolled by Jan from HR?

Will there be violations issued for things?

Ticketing perhaps?

If so, then we must fight fire with fire. I hence propose a county ordinance to stem this apocalyptic tide.

Violation 3357 (c) (ii): Placing or Receiving Phone Call While Surfing, Swimming, Paddling, or Stand Up Paddling, While In Ocean.

No person shall engage in a telephonic communication, either through the placing or receiving of such transmission, while engaged in the act of surfing, swimming, paddling, stand up paddling, or any other activity performed while in an oceanic body of water.

Such act shall be punishable by $12,500 fine and slow death.

No Apple, we will not answer that call.

I pray.