Machete dismemberment and arson!
Whew, I sure did blow my stack yesterday re. Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch. 24 hours of quiet frustration came spewing right out like the Bellagio fountain in Las Veh-Gus. Many times, after going nuclear, I’ll recalibrate and feel, “Well, that amount of bile sure was unnecessary…” but this morning I feel equally angry. I’ve got the surf rage and maybe to Indonesian levels.
It was reported by Surfline that a 43-year-old ex-pat surf tour operator working in the Mentawi’s got arrested by the Indonesian government after being involved in bout of surf rage. He claims he was merely defending himself and a crowdfunding page has been set up for his legal defense which reads:
Jordan was attacked after an accidental drop-in at Rifles. The other surfer then threatened to cut him up with a machete, and then burn down Kandui Villas, before trying to jab Jordan with his surfboard one more time. After simply blocking the attempted blow from the other man’s surfboard with his right arm, and in an effort to defend himself from the aggressive attack, he counter-striked with a few punches that resulted in the other man merely having a black eye and a small cut below the eye.
Wow!
Threatened to cut him up with a machete then burn down a hotel then surfboard stabbing? This is not the worst thing I’ve ever heard happening in the water but it is the worst thing I’ve heard being threatened. Machete dismemberment then mass arson?
Wait. Headed to Lemoore. BRB.
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Where’s the accuser from?
I didnt get an invite, you dont see me all butt hurt, i rip btw obvs. I wish I didnt have to always point that out
going to lemoore? that was so two days ago.
Dissonance: The Rage and The Obsession
Early in my obsession my father, the psychologist, told me that part of the reason I found surfing so compelling was due to cognitive dissonance. Really good waves were so rare and the rides so fleeting and it was so hard to develop the skills to ride them that my mind continually reinforced the fact that I must really love to surf, to work so hard at it and to suffer for it so. The endless monitoring, searching, and groveling in anticipation of infrequent moments of ecstasy when the elements align.
I probably thought fuck off at the time. But he wasn’t wrong and offers another way of thinking about what NC describes as surfing’s greatest blessing and foulest curse – unpredictable wave quality.
There are other aspects to the obsession. Gliding and speeding across water is fun. Desire to perform, to compete. Wave pools could provide that.
And there is also being out in Nature in a way that feels raw and unfiltered and unfathomable, which includes unpredictability but more than that too.
I am not driven to rage but I am bothered by the KS wave factory. New source of cognitive dissonance?
Does the Lost advert column on the right include Derek Hynd high lining it on a little twinny from one of Andrew Kidman’s movies and if so are they promoting Andrew Kidmans boards and not their own or maybe Skip Frye boards or none of the above.
Don’t bring a machete to a Rifles fight.
I think I love you.
back off SGN, he’s mine
So many unanswered questions about KS and the wave machine. How does it work? (A diagram would be nice to have) Is he ever gonna grow out the cul-de-sac? (And how bald is he actually, again with a diagram)
I heard a rumour that Kelly has every hair medically removed for preservation and a mini-Kelly is made from each follicle in a subterranean laboratory system outside of Lemoore and on a cool still night you can hear the crackle of the million strong horde growing, training, studying and writing Instagram comments.
Responding to every flat earther.
would love to see him grow out the cul-de-sac and grow a mustache too.
You want to really piss someone off after burning them, when they start yelling at you, you give them a sarcastic thumbs up or start clapping. Sometimes I add, “oh, sorry I prevented you from going straight.” Sometimes sterile threats are made, most times not.
“Sorry I prevented your from going straight” is perhaps the most savage surf burn possible. Nice job KVF.
um what’s wrong with going straight?
I think there is no greater test of restraint and character than a man who can take off at the peak, with a wave lined up in front of him, and turn his eyes to the shore, back arched, arms high, straight into the beach.
going straight is the new jam in the pocket
It’s going to go into the excellent range
each and every time
i made gorilla grunting noises at a guy once who was yelling at a woman for sitting too close to the shoulder he was trying to do a cutback on. He got so mad.
I killed a man with a trident.
I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, cause you’re probably wanted for murder.
Boy, that escalated quickly.
People that stuff me get run over. stuffing some is an act of violence and need to be solved with greater violence. yelling is for women. men strike back. you should come to hawaii and try that clapping thing
Kelly should’ve known he was going to hurt some CT feelings by his invite-only event. Which top 34 reject was it Chas?