But come and revel in a new competition. One built for you and for me!
Before becoming The Man of the People™ I loved Stab magazine’s Stab in the Dark featurette. It was such a simple concept so elegantly packaged. Ten shapers shaping anonymously for one professional surfer. He riding all then choosing his favorite. The winning shaper lauded. The losing shapers shamed.
Then in year two Stab blew its wad and had Dane Reynolds do it.
This year it was Jordy Smith and while Jordy’s personality sparkles who really cares what he thinks about surfboards? Do you? I don’t. His opinion on functionality, hold, rail, curve etc. doesn’t interest me. A 1% surfer’s critique clanging like a gong in the ears of the 99%.
Jon Pyzel won for the second time in a row and how much do you think this irks other shapers? Does he lord his superiority over them over drinks? He should. The only remaining question I have, though, is can Mr. Pyzel shape a board for me and for you?
Does he understand the people?
And it is with the humble honor that you have bestowed upon me as your voice that I announce our upcoming Grit is for Mark™ competition. BeachGrit will find the most average surfer in the entire world. Average weight, average height, average build, average ability with an average name (Mark) and we will have him ride average off the rack boards in slightly below average beachbreak.
He will choose the one that allows him to maaaaybe complete his cutback. The one that allows him to get the tail of his board above the lip for his flyaway airs. The one that allows him to slip inside a closeout tube. The one that doesn’t so easily ding when being wedged into the backseat of a ’17 Porsche Panamera. The one that gives him a little extra squirt as he is taking off. Enough to make it up to, but not around, the SUPer dropping in down the line.
These are the things the salt of the earth need to know before plunking down their blue-collar dollar for a new surfboard.
Stab can keep its Jordys and advertisers and private boat trips. BeachGrit doesn’t need luxuriant Macaronis. We live on the simple bread of the people.
Grit is for Mark™ will premier at next year’s U.S. Open of Surfing.
Have you ever surfed a Pyzel? He’ll fuckin win that too.
when he figures which one for him he has to search craigslist for the same model with close enough dims and only slight pressure dings
A Panamera is not a Porsche. A cayenne is not a Porsche. A boxster is a wart with a Porsche emblem. Out of begrudging respect for DR, I dare might classify a Macan as close to a Porsche because the design is palatable. There is only one Porsche. Two doors. 911. I get depressed thinking about Chas’ whisps of hair in a Panamera.
I think this already exists but the guys name is Benny
Chas thinks he’s the smartest person in the room. He cloaks his arrogance with feined humility (“I have a Porsche and money, and you don’t, loser!”; but “it’s my wife’s car; she has the money”). Often times, he comes off as a total cunt (sorry, I just channeled the ozzies there), but his writing is damn good, and fun to read. It’s truly unique: he’s an arrogant dork – but quite brilliant. He brings out the worst in people (a strong desire to pick on him) while at the same time forcing people to have high morality (not picking on him). And when people pick on him, he responds with kindness. I guess that’s the genius of Chas; he inspired love and hate him at the same time. I’ve grown to like that arrogant asshole.
You had me until ’17 Porsche Panamera… Thought you were a man of the people Chas?
Mark will be selected by finding the first guy in the bar with a Quiksilver t-shirt who claims to surf.
Yes!!!!
Just cheap shirts. Shit ain’t cheap.
Do you have no faith in my People skills? Is it not better to have two half-marked off shirts than one marked shirt? Out of less we gain more. With two for the price of one, we the People are enabled to gift the second half-marked shirt. That which you gave, you are given. Mark my words, half-truths govern the People.
Well what do you know? My name is Mark, I’m an average 5’8, 180lbs, live in at a very average beachbreak nested between Cape Hatteras and Wilmington NC and used to place 4th consistantly in local ESA contests. I think you’ve found your test subject.
My name ain’t Mark but it could be if you like.
Heats: I just heated up a pizza. And I fuckin burned it by accident. (ate it anyway)
Rip: the other day I ripped my shorts falling off a skateboard. I hadn’t noticed until my son pointed out, loudly, in the middle of the street that my shlong was somewhat visible through the gaping corduroy.
I wouldn’t be seen dead driving anything like a Porsche. I HATE bling with a passion bordering on psychotic.
Why the hate on bling??
Are prices half-marked off?
I’m mark and so is my wife
I accept your offer. My name matches the criteria as well as Jordys stats(6’3 so can go head to head), bar a few extra kilos and talent.
I’ll have a Lost rocket V3, Js monstabox, pyzel ghost, Haydenshapes Holy grail, Simon Anderson Alley and Chilli Rare bird… better yet let the shop assistant suggest the best board for me.
Two of the greatest surfers of all time are named Mark. Was Kolohe taken?
Great idea – BUT why we waiting till next year at US open of surfing??? The WSL may be finished by then!!
Having a “best shaper competition” and not inviting Mr. Merrick is like having a “best surfer competition” and not inviting Slater. I’m guessing they pissed off merrick last year.
which Mr Merrick ? Britt put in a Bonzer bisciut or something , which was retro/Hybrid , but Dane didn’t surf it!
Al Merrick would be great but I’ll take Britt too! Apparently they sent a retro board because they knew the surfer was Dane and they didn’t want to participate because they sponsor him… I guess they sponsor Jordy too. He does have a CI pro model. This is why I say they pissed them off last year though: http://beachgrit.com/2016/1…
I feel like Derek maybe got wind of who won Stab in the Dark and threw together an interview with Jon to pip them at the post.
Given that he drives a Porsche Panamera i don’t think that will bother him.
How long do you think you can keep up this Law of Averages nonsense Chas?
Probably forever.
Ha! Forever just got averaged into uncertainty.