Do you remember when shoe brand DC ruled action
sports? Oh they had it all! A sexy roster, feat. Bruce Irons, Dane
Reynolds, Danny Way, Steve Berra, fat tongues, cubic zirconia
encrusted rings, parties, parties, parties… but then the brand fell
on hard times. Action sports became… less cool along with parties
and cubic zirconia but the brand didn’t go out of business because
inertia is a real thing, not just a horrible outdoor website in
Venice-adjacent.
Do you know what “inertia” actually means?
“A tendency to do nothing or remain unchanged.”
So yeah, since DC was already in business it is easiest for it
just to stay in business and also to flip the calendar back to
1996. Would you like to see a picture of DC’s latest shoe?
Whoa.
It is apparently a collaboration with Dime (I don’t know what
“Dime” is) but doesn’t it feel to early for this? Like… by a
century?
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Revealed: Noa Deane still surfs!
By Chas Smith
It's a Christmas miracle two months early!
I know that you are rude and caustic and
asshole (my daughter uses “asshole” as an adjective and it is so
much more brilliant. “Look at that asshole car…” “That man is
asshole…” etc.) but I love Noa Deane and was very sad when he
stopped surfing. Oh, I didn’t know (officially) that he
stopped but assumed since he did not appear to be surfing
anywhere anymore. But guess what assuming makes? It makes me
asshole and you asshole.
And Noa Deane still surfs!
I have no idea how old he is but trust there is some milage left
on those tires and would like him to rip some shitties (what does
that mean?) before he Danes out because… I like the boy. I like his
girly face. I like his weight issues. I like his guitar riffs and I
like his spunk (not that spunk either and stop being asshole). I’ve
liked him ever since he stepped onto Turtle Bay’s embarrassingly
awful stage and said, “Fuck the WSL!”
But mostly I like his surfing. I really really do and he just
released a banger.
"Kelly’s wave is longer and probably a better wave over
the distance but ours will be shorter and punchier and there'll be
more of 'em," says Dart. "Occ and I sat at the Snapper Rocks surf
club and, our rides, which are twenty seconds, are the equivalent
of Snapper Rocks through to Little Marley. When you see the
prototype down in Melbourne, it actually makes sense, as opposed to
pushing huge volumes of water with Thomas the Tank Engine.
Commercially, this actually makes sense. His, and Wavegarden, is a
huge boat wash, essentially. Ours replicates a
mini-tsunami."
Soon: Full-sized proto of Occy’s pool!
By Derek Rielly
Hole dug for full-sized prototype of Occy's tank at
secret Queensland location!
Back in May, the former world champion Mark
Occhilupo was revealed as the ambassador for yet another
wavepool company, this one called Surf Lakes.
And, yesterday, Barton Lynch, the world champ and noted
commentator and coach, was also wheeled out to spruik Surf
Lakes, a company created by the Queensland mining
engineer Aaron Trevis.
Travis’ eureka moment came when he was skimming rocks in a lake
with his kids. Noticing the little waves the rocks caused, he
wondered if he could make it happen on a bigger scale.
Like the rest, Surf Lakes promises the world:
“Revolutionary”, “closely mimics natural ocean waves”, “lowest
energy cost per wave”, “2400 waves an hour.”
According to the company’s PR release in May, a proof-of-concept
prototype had been built in an outer Melbourne suburb and,
somewhere in Queensland, shovels were out for the full-sized
version with a late 2017 opening.
Now, what happens when these sorta stories come out is that we,
the media, jump on the story, rewrite the press release, collect
our clicks and our social spikes, and move on.
I figured, given its imminent unveiling, a little call might be
order.
As it happens, the media guy is a former Tracks editor
called Wayne Dart. He says the hole, which is 350 metres long by
250 metres wide, has been dug, but won’t, can’t, say where it is in
Queensland ’cause, already, locals have been sniffing around,
peering over the fence and so on.
The way the pool works, he says, is there’s a peak setup on each
edge, where a circular swell creates four peaks or eight waves at
once. A wave every six seconds.
When you see the prototype down in Melbourne, it actually makes
sense, as opposed to pushing huge volumes of water with Thomas the
Tank Engine. Commercially, this actually makes sense. His, and
Wavegarden, is a huge boat wash, essentially. Ours replicates a
mini-tsunami.”
“Kelly’s wave is longer and probably a better wave over the
distance but ours will be shorter and punchier and there’ll be more
of ’em,” says Dart. “Occ and I sat at the Snapper Rocks surf club
and, our rides, which are twenty seconds, are the equivalent of
Snapper Rocks through to Little Marley. When you see the prototype
down in Melbourne, it actually makes sense, as opposed to pushing
huge volumes of water with Thomas the Tank Engine. Commercially,
this actually makes sense. His, and Wavegarden, is a huge boat
wash, essentially. Ours replicates a mini-tsunami.”
He tells me we’ll get our first look in March 2018. Occ’s going
to split the first peak with his kid Jay; Barton is on the
second.
Will BL be bummed he’s not on the first peak?
“He only has to wait six seconds,” says Dart.
Neither of ’em are going to be the first to ride out,
howevs.
“That’ll be the engineers,” he says.
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Podcast: “I’m having an existential
crisis!”
By Chas Smith
What does this all mean?
Can I confide something in you, earnestly and
honestly? Oh you can mock me, of course, and maybe that’s exactly
what I need. A good swift kick back to quintessential gen-x
indifference but until then can I admit to you that I’m having an
existential crisis?
I am!
And can’t quite put my finger on it. On what I’m feeling, though
I know where the crisis came from. I was also recently injured, arm
taken from socket, which will keep me landlocked for a few weeks
and I finally have to get the surgery wherein doctors tie my arm in
with rope. It used to come out all the time but hasn’t for about
four years and now surgery. But that is not the reason for my
existential crisis. I don’t quite know what, in fact, my crisis
even is but feel it is definitely about surfing.
Like, the physical act of surfing and how it infects my entire
life and what that all come to mean.
I am so consumed by the watery ballet that I can no longer type
the words “during” or “surgery” without typing “durfing” or
“surfgery.” Completely honestly. My fingers automatically put an
“f” after the letters “ur.” Every time.
There is really, at this point, nothing else. Surfing. Durfing.
Surfgery. Yet even after all these years, all this attention, I am
still only ok at the physical act of surfing and not getting
better. Growing up and doing it completely alone on a god-forsaken
stretch of Oregon coast has infected badly. I didn’t have the
privilege of watching ripping peers and emulating them. There was
only me. And freezing cold closeouts. And a blooming poor style.
And sharks.
What does this mean? Does it mean I took a wrong turn years ago
and doubled and tripled down and now am so lost that there is no
getting out? Was there something in this world that I was actually
good at? Something I could have pursued and excelled in?
David Lee Scales, the consummate host, and I speak of these
things here and also how shit The Inertia is, writing,
Oregonian localism, whining in the face of danger, wetsuit caps,
Damien Hobgood’s stickers and so much more. See the illustrated version
here!
Listen here!
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Willie hits the links...
The Inertia: “Slater and Trump the
same!”
By Chas Smith
Venice-adjacent's other website claims, "Both
endorse death penalty!"
The Inertia is to surf journalism
what sexually confused boys are to the eighth grade. Meekly trying
to fit in but not knowing where. Saying loudly, “I like that too!”
when everyone else has gone quiet. Wanting to wear a My Little Pony
backpack but ending up in Green Bay Packers jersey and cut-off jean
shorts. It is endearing but also sad. And Venice-adjacent’s
definitive voice of surfing just outdid itself, angering its hero
Kelly Slater in the process!
Yesterday, almost a week after the tragic attack in New York
City which left many dead, The Inertia decided to weigh in
on the death penalty, posting the following to Instagram:
“What befell the city of New York on Tuesday – Halloween
day, no less – was nightmarish, to say the least. At least eight
were killed, according to reports, when a lone truck driver
intentionally plowed through a crowded bike lane area of Lower
Manhattan. Officials have called the attack an act of terror. The
culprit has since been apprehended and in the fallout, President
Trump (@realdonaldtrump) has called for the death penalty. ‘NYC
terrorist was happy as he asked to hang ISIS flag in his hospital
room. He killed 8 people, badly injured 12. SHOULD GET DEATH
PENALTY!’ said Trump in a tweet. In a strange turn of events,
Worldstar Hip Hop turned full debate moderator, posting a series of
Trump’s tweets on Instagram with the caption, “#PresidentTrump
advocates the death penalty following the #NYC truck
attack…thoughts?” And among the more than 4,700 comments,
@kellyslater himself decided to chime in. ‘There’s no real reason
anyone who happily and proudly kills a bunch of innocent people
with no remorse should continue the pleasure of life,’ said Kelly
in a comment. Amid the hysteria in the comments alone, many of
which call for hanging the culprit, 29-year-old Sayfullo Saipov,
‘in the public square,’ Kelly’s sentiment seems tame.”
Hmmmm.
It took a lot of work to tie Kelly Slater’s position on the
death penalty to the position of Donald Trump but The
Inertia did it! Oh their “followers” were not happy, leveling
“Stay out of politics…” “You suck…” “Fire your interns…”
“Unfollowing…” attacks. Even Kelly Slater jumped in, declaring:
You’ve taken liberties with the context of my comments. But
keep up the click bait and sensationalistic headlines by trolling
comment sections of other people’s accounts for (non) stories. I
didn’t really take a stand with what or how I said this. It’s just
a knee jerk reaction and considering I was a mile away with my
daughter on the same sidewalk minutes after this happened, the
proximity of it hit home. I would advocate tying him to a post in
the middle of town and letting the public decide. Maybe that’s a
better headline. Not sure leaving him in jail on our dime for an
eternity is the answer.
Tying a murderer to a post in the middle of town and letting the
public decide his fate is wonderfully medieval and The
Inertia should have changed its headline but didn’t and
doubled down on its sadness by responding:
As surfing’s consummate spokesperson, we hold the utmost
respect for your opinion and endeavors. As such, your criticism
definitely stings. We’ll use it as a nudge to continue to
reevaluate and refine our evolving editorial process in the
fast-moving world of modern media. That said, we do believe your
opinions shared publicly on the most important (and sometimes
tragic) events in American and global culture – even on social
media – are newsworthy, and we respect your willingness to share
those thoughts. If anything, it drives conversations forward among
a group that otherwise might not discuss. Respectfully.
Oh hell. The Inertia‘s “editorial process” has been
“refined” and “reevaluated” a lot lately. But please don’t change
Zach and boys! You are the greatest you of all!
