I know that you are rude and caustic and asshole (my daughter uses “asshole” as an adjective and it is so much more brilliant. “Look at that asshole car…” “That man is asshole…” etc.) but I love Noa Deane and was very sad when he stopped surfing. Oh, I didn’t know (officially) that he stopped but assumed since he did not appear to be surfing anywhere anymore. But guess what assuming makes? It makes me asshole and you asshole.
And Noa Deane still surfs!
I have no idea how old he is but trust there is some milage left on those tires and would like him to rip some shitties (what does that mean?) before he Danes out because… I like the boy. I like his girly face. I like his weight issues. I like his guitar riffs and I like his spunk (not that spunk either and stop being asshole). I’ve liked him ever since he stepped onto Turtle Bay’s embarrassingly awful stage and said, “Fuck the WSL!”
But mostly I like his surfing. I really really do and he just released a banger.
And, yesterday, Barton Lynch, the world champ and noted commentator and coach, was also wheeled out to spruik Surf Lakes, a company created by the Queensland mining engineer Aaron Trevis.
Travis’ eureka moment came when he was skimming rocks in a lake with his kids. Noticing the little waves the rocks caused, he wondered if he could make it happen on a bigger scale.
Like the rest, Surf Lakes promises the world: “Revolutionary”, “closely mimics natural ocean waves”, “lowest energy cost per wave”, “2400 waves an hour.”
According to the company’s PR release in May, a proof-of-concept prototype had been built in an outer Melbourne suburb and, somewhere in Queensland, shovels were out for the full-sized version with a late 2017 opening.
Now, what happens when these sorta stories come out is that we, the media, jump on the story, rewrite the press release, collect our clicks and our social spikes, and move on.
I figured, given its imminent unveiling, a little call might be order.
As it happens, the media guy is a former Tracks editor called Wayne Dart. He says the hole, which is 350 metres long by 250 metres wide, has been dug, but won’t, can’t, say where it is in Queensland ’cause, already, locals have been sniffing around, peering over the fence and so on.
The way the pool works, he says, is there’s a peak setup on each edge, where a circular swell creates four peaks or eight waves at once. A wave every six seconds.
When you see the prototype down in Melbourne, it actually makes sense, as opposed to pushing huge volumes of water with Thomas the Tank Engine. Commercially, this actually makes sense. His, and Wavegarden, is a huge boat wash, essentially. Ours replicates a mini-tsunami.”
“Kelly’s wave is longer and probably a better wave over the distance but ours will be shorter and punchier and there’ll be more of ’em,” says Dart. “Occ and I sat at the Snapper Rocks surf club and, our rides, which are twenty seconds, are the equivalent of Snapper Rocks through to Little Marley. When you see the prototype down in Melbourne, it actually makes sense, as opposed to pushing huge volumes of water with Thomas the Tank Engine. Commercially, this actually makes sense. His, and Wavegarden, is a huge boat wash, essentially. Ours replicates a mini-tsunami.”
He tells me we’ll get our first look in March 2018. Occ’s going to split the first peak with his kid Jay; Barton is on the second.
Will BL be bummed he’s not on the first peak?
“He only has to wait six seconds,” says Dart.
Neither of ’em are going to be the first to ride out, howevs.
Can I confide something in you, earnestly and honestly? Oh you can mock me, of course, and maybe that’s exactly what I need. A good swift kick back to quintessential gen-x indifference but until then can I admit to you that I’m having an existential crisis?
And can’t quite put my finger on it. On what I’m feeling, though I know where the crisis came from. I was also recently injured, arm taken from socket, which will keep me landlocked for a few weeks and I finally have to get the surgery wherein doctors tie my arm in with rope. It used to come out all the time but hasn’t for about four years and now surgery. But that is not the reason for my existential crisis. I don’t quite know what, in fact, my crisis even is but feel it is definitely about surfing.
Like, the physical act of surfing and how it infects my entire life and what that all come to mean.
I am so consumed by the watery ballet that I can no longer type the words “during” or “surgery” without typing “durfing” or “surfgery.” Completely honestly. My fingers automatically put an “f” after the letters “ur.” Every time.
There is really, at this point, nothing else. Surfing. Durfing. Surfgery. Yet even after all these years, all this attention, I am still only ok at the physical act of surfing and not getting better. Growing up and doing it completely alone on a god-forsaken stretch of Oregon coast has infected badly. I didn’t have the privilege of watching ripping peers and emulating them. There was only me. And freezing cold closeouts. And a blooming poor style. And sharks.
What does this mean? Does it mean I took a wrong turn years ago and doubled and tripled down and now am so lost that there is no getting out? Was there something in this world that I was actually good at? Something I could have pursued and excelled in?
David Lee Scales, the consummate host, and I speak of these things here and also how shit The Inertia is, writing, Oregonian localism, whining in the face of danger, wetsuit caps, Damien Hobgood’s stickers and so much more. See the illustrated version here!
Venice-adjacent's other website claims, "Both endorse death penalty!"
The Inertia is to surf journalism what sexually confused boys are to the eighth grade. Meekly trying to fit in but not knowing where. Saying loudly, “I like that too!” when everyone else has gone quiet. Wanting to wear a My Little Pony backpack but ending up in Green Bay Packers jersey and cut-off jean shorts. It is endearing but also sad. And Venice-adjacent’s definitive voice of surfing just outdid itself, angering its hero Kelly Slater in the process!
Yesterday, almost a week after the tragic attack in New York City which left many dead, The Inertia decided to weigh in on the death penalty, posting the following to Instagram:
“What befell the city of New York on Tuesday – Halloween day, no less – was nightmarish, to say the least. At least eight were killed, according to reports, when a lone truck driver intentionally plowed through a crowded bike lane area of Lower Manhattan. Officials have called the attack an act of terror. The culprit has since been apprehended and in the fallout, President Trump (@realdonaldtrump) has called for the death penalty. ‘NYC terrorist was happy as he asked to hang ISIS flag in his hospital room. He killed 8 people, badly injured 12. SHOULD GET DEATH PENALTY!’ said Trump in a tweet. In a strange turn of events, Worldstar Hip Hop turned full debate moderator, posting a series of Trump’s tweets on Instagram with the caption, “#PresidentTrump advocates the death penalty following the #NYC truck attack…thoughts?” And among the more than 4,700 comments, @kellyslater himself decided to chime in. ‘There’s no real reason anyone who happily and proudly kills a bunch of innocent people with no remorse should continue the pleasure of life,’ said Kelly in a comment. Amid the hysteria in the comments alone, many of which call for hanging the culprit, 29-year-old Sayfullo Saipov, ‘in the public square,’ Kelly’s sentiment seems tame.”
It took a lot of work to tie Kelly Slater’s position on the death penalty to the position of Donald Trump but The Inertia did it! Oh their “followers” were not happy, leveling “Stay out of politics…” “You suck…” “Fire your interns…” “Unfollowing…” attacks. Even Kelly Slater jumped in, declaring:
You’ve taken liberties with the context of my comments. But keep up the click bait and sensationalistic headlines by trolling comment sections of other people’s accounts for (non) stories. I didn’t really take a stand with what or how I said this. It’s just a knee jerk reaction and considering I was a mile away with my daughter on the same sidewalk minutes after this happened, the proximity of it hit home. I would advocate tying him to a post in the middle of town and letting the public decide. Maybe that’s a better headline. Not sure leaving him in jail on our dime for an eternity is the answer.
Tying a murderer to a post in the middle of town and letting the public decide his fate is wonderfully medieval and The Inertia should have changed its headline but didn’t and doubled down on its sadness by responding:
As surfing’s consummate spokesperson, we hold the utmost respect for your opinion and endeavors. As such, your criticism definitely stings. We’ll use it as a nudge to continue to reevaluate and refine our evolving editorial process in the fast-moving world of modern media. That said, we do believe your opinions shared publicly on the most important (and sometimes tragic) events in American and global culture – even on social media – are newsworthy, and we respect your willingness to share those thoughts. If anything, it drives conversations forward among a group that otherwise might not discuss. Respectfully.
Oh hell. The Inertia‘s “editorial process” has been “refined” and “reevaluated” a lot lately. But please don’t change Zach and boys! You are the greatest you of all!
As just recently reported by Business of Fashion and Boardistan, the French luxury conglomerate Kering has contracted illuminati bank Rothschild to sell German footwear manufacturer Puma, seeking a reported 7 billion dollars in return. What a mouthful! And why should we care? Well, the reasoning behind the proposed sale is that Kering, which owns Gucci, St. Laurent, Al McQueen, et. al. desires to get out of the athletic/streetwear game so it can focus solely on being fancy.
And what does this mean for Volcom, which the group purchased in 2011 for 600 million dollars? Will it be floated back on the market as well?
Ooooh let’s wonder!
I think probably yes and I think Oaktree Capital may purchase. Oaktree, in case you forgot, owns Billabong’s debt and Quiksilver. There have been rumors this year that the asset management firm might want to buy Rip Curl. If if if it did and if it bought Volcom too then do you think the United States government would come in and bust up the monopoly because of its vast surf power or do you think the United States government would scratch its head and say, “Ummmmm why are you doing this to yourself?”
How much do you think Volcom is worth?
How much would you buy it for?
What if, as part of the sale, Noa Deane and Mitch Coleborn would come and play lullabies for you each and every night?