The two lovers, Kolohe and Maddie, conjoined as husband
and wife, as partners in love, money, property, business and so on.
"If you get a good wife, you'll become happy," wrote Socrates. "If
you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher."
Divine: Kolohe Andino just got
married!
By Derek Rielly
Proof that virility isn't just measured at the root
of the belly…
Earlier today, the number seven rated surfer in the
world, Kolohe Andino, and his adorable GF Madison
Brooke-Aldrich were married at The Casino, a pre-war Spanish
mission-style joint just on West Avendia Pico there in San
Clemente.
Kolohe, who is two months short of his twenty-third birthday,
chose Jeremy Carter as his best man, an important role
incorporating all sorts of logistics, and Luke Davis, Nat Young,
Tanner Rozunko, Ian Crane and Griffin Colapinto as groomsmen, a
significant title and recognition of friendship, yes, but whose
role is merely to act as ushers to the wedding’s guests.
Maddie’s account of Kolohe’s Christmas Day proposal, is divine
and is proof, I think, that virility isn’t just measured at the
root of the belly where the phallus rises with a perfectly beveled
rim of unusual weight and the friendliest red.
Let’s read.
We met 7
years ago, I was working at Guichos Eatery where I first met
Kolohe. We were only 18 and 16, wow have we
grown!! Kolohe proposed
early Christmas morning, it was our first Christmas together
in our new home. I told Kolohe that my favorite part about
Christmas is the stockings, and that my mom always wrapped ALL of
my stocking stuffers, he though this was ridiculous. However he was
up into that late hours of the night wrapping all my stocking
stuffers. Kolohe woke up at 5 am ready to start his day! He drug me
out of bed and we made our way downstairs. He began setting up his
phone so it could self film us, when I asked him what he was doing
he told me he wanted to document our first Christmas in our new
home together, little did I know he wanted to film the proposal. We
began to alternate turns opening up our stockings, it was my turn
and I was down to my last stuffer. I opened the gift and it was a
ring! As I looked up Kolohe was on one knee asking me to marry him,
I couldn’t believe it and kept asking him if he was kidding! After
the realization that this was really happening, I said yes. It was
a Christmas we will always remember and
cherish! We have two puppies, who we call our
children, their names are Levi & Dually. We also have a slight
addiction to the Dodgers and are their number one
fans.
We have been through so much together and
are beyond excited to make marriage the next step in our story! We
can’t wait to celebrate with all of you, get ready for the BEST DAY
EVER!
"We've got some guys on the inside looking into
anything interesting."
It has been three long days since Quiksilver
and Billabong merged into one company and Westchester’s
Stab magazine is still silent. Not one jot. Not one
tittle. The boys even posted a story this morning titled The
Surf Biz Is Nothing If Not Interesting* without a mention of
the Quik x Bong marriage. Oh it is surely insidious. The website’s
editor, Ashton Goggans, stepped briefly from behind the partition
to comment here by posting an ancient speculative thing in
defense.
It was as if Sean Spicer himself had risen from the dead.
And I let him know that everyone had reported the months ago
rumors of a possible merger but that ain’t the same thing as
reporting that it had just happened (be still my beating
heart).
To which Ashton replied:
Honestly, read the interview. Put it at the back of the
line. We’ve got some guys on the inside looking into anything
interesting, you know, instead of just regurgitating the same press
release. We’ll get to it. I’d love to know what insidious corporate
plot you might imagine we’re tied up in. Go full Pynchon on me. You
can lay it out for me and Scales next week.
Sam and I went and surfed up north yesterday. Morgs is on
his way to Hawaii. What did you do with your lovely Friday,
Charlie**?
The interview? What interview? It was a business story and
littered everywhere. CNN Business, MSNBC Business, The Wall Street
Journal, etc. And he put it on the “back burner” because some “guys
on the inside” are “looking into anything interesting” instead of
“regurgitating a press release?” And egregiously non sequitur
mentions of surfing and Hawaii?
This whole thing stinks.
And I’m glad he mentioned that we are set to meet, both in
person and on air, next week. I had the odds at 1 in 200 that he’d
agree because, in truth, it will be the end of Stab. An absolute
bloodbath.
See you in the octagon*** Ashton Goggans! You had better start
looking for another job now.
*This is totally the pot calling the kettle black but I really
can’t stand that Stab capitalizes be-verbs, articles and
prepositions in titles. Such a pain.
**I used to know that people were passively-aggressively
displeased with me when they called me “Chuck.” It has changed
recently and now when they are passively-aggressively displeased
with me they call me “Charlie.”
***By “octagon” I mean Surfrider’s offices in front of a
microphone.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
So poor they cannot even afford trunks.
Tragic: Surf clubs turn to
panhandling!
By Chas Smith
Australia's historic institutions become common
rail station beggars!
If you have ever been to Australia then you are
at least semi-familiar with the country’s surf lifesaving clubs. I
am ill-suited to provide much detail, having never been a member,
but I believe they are non-profit, non-governmental associations
that provide water safety services, fun classes for kids and
flamboyant red + yellow hats. Am I surmising correctly? Is this
what they do?
Over the year I spent in Australia I looked on with envy at
these surf lifesaving clubs mostly because they each seemed to have
the most wonderful clubhouses sitting right on the beach. I
imagined inside there was a chummy vibe, cold beer in the summer,
room temperature scotch in the winter and fun songs sang in unison.
Today, though, the Sydney Morning
Herald popped my balloon.
In the featured story it was revealed that surf lifesaving clubs
struggle for money, have difficulty maintaining facilities and send
members to train stations in order to panhandle like Indians. But
there is a man who has a plan to pull the clubs into profitability
and let’s read together.
Surf life saving clubs could be turned into small hotels
under a proposal to raise more money for lifesaving
operations. Barry Tilley would also equip surf clubs
with liquor licences to operate bars beyond the limited
circumstances in which they currently serve
alcohol. A property developer and businessman, Mr
Tilley’s preferred model is a pensione, or small hotel, offering “a
couple of meals of the day like they do in Italy”.
Mr Tilley said accommodation and dining facilities would
help pay for the maintenance of facilities and provision of water
safety and training instead of relying on donations.
“There’s nothing more demeaning than seeing surf club
members begging around railway stations,” he
said. “It would create a new industry in so far as
people learning lifesaving around the world,” he added. “Australia
is the leader when it comes to lifesaving.”
Fantastic, right? I would love to stay in one, sharing the
chummy vibes without really “belonging” but apparently things are
not so simple. Turning the clubs into hotels and bars is prohibited
by Australian law.
A spokeswoman for the Minister for Lands, Forestry and
Racing, Paul Toole, said: “Crown land utilised by surf life saving
clubs is generally reserved for public recreation purposes and the
establishment of bars and accommodation on such Crown land would
not be in keeping with the reserve purpose.”
Well son of a bitch. And wouldn’t you think now is a good time
to rebel against the crown? I would come fight for you, dear
Australia. I would come fight for your nippers and your cold beer
and your room temperature scotch. Let’s do this thing.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Stab admits: “We’re corporate shills!”
By Chas Smith
The website's deafening silence on the most
important surf story of the week!
Did you know that the two largest surf
companies in the world, Quiksilver and Billabong, are merging into
one? It’s true and… oh just kidding. Of course you know. It’s all
we’ve been talking about for almost two whole days.
Some of you are unimpressed. Manuka wrote under Derek Rielly’s
previous
posting, “I get the “these brands have shaped our
sport” message, but for sure very little purchasing power from “Us,
the BG” goes to Quik or Bong. The question is, why do you cover it
to such a detail? Why the excitement? Am I missing something?”
To which I respond, “Yes!” These two brands have dictated what
has happened in the surf industry for a quarter century and their
merger speaks to its future. For my money this is the most
interesting story of 2018, mostly because it is big/unprecedented
(imagine in Ford and Chevy combined… or Boeing and Airbus) but also
because 2018 is only 5 days old and the rest of the “news” has been
typical post-holiday bland.
But you would never know that our world has shifted on its axis
if your only surf industry portal was Hawthorne, California’s own
Stab magazine. That’s right. The website, never shy about
jumping into a day old story with both feet while pretending it is
the first to report, has been entirely silent on the matter. Since
the news broke last evening Stab has released:
Keanu Asing Will Not Be Silenced
“Comments of the Week” edition 115
John John Wants To Get “Better” At Surfing
Snowy, Windy, Pumping And Oh So Cold! Maine,
Yesterday
Watch: Oliver Kurtz’s Triple OBX Tunnel This
Morning
Jake Patterson: “I Wish John Had A Bit Of Andy In
Him”
And nothing but nothing on the merger. A clipped silence.
And why?
I don’t quite know.
Stab is, of course, partially responsible for
Billabong’s prodigious fall and an utter corporate shill. The
website has proudly produced, supported and pushed unfortunate
Billabong collaborations for years under the name “content.” Like
the latest ten-part series, Can You Believe The World’s
Biggest, Most Popular, Rock Star (Iggy Pop Of Course) Wears
Billabong Trunks? I would imagine there is much wailing
and gnashing of teeth in Stab’s Hawthorne office that not
one of its purchased Facebook “likers” actually went out and bought
any product.
Also, the website is also currently selling a co-branded trunk
with Quiksilver that I must admit looks very sharp though I’m
curious why Stab is using a flare gun in its
advertising.
But do you really think that both Billabong and Quiksilver’s
parent company Oaktree Capital
tells Stab’s ownership, “Hey. Keep quiet on this
story or else we’ll merger you right in the face.” Like, really? Or
is there something else at play?
Maybe there is a silver lining. Maybe when Quiksilver x
Billabong do pop-up shops at Costcos Stab can drive
“traffic” like it once did for the mighty SurfStitch.
Oh let’s hope!
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Warshaw: “Best world-title interview of all
time!”
By Derek Rielly
Guess who!
Earlier today, the financially robust surf historian
Matt Warshaw sent an archived interview with the message,
“Best post-world title interview ever? I say nothing’s even
close.”
I applied myself to the fruit of his searchings and found
that, yes, the interview, snatched of the 18-year-old world champ
Nat Young in 1966, was splendid. Frank, cruel and cheerful. It
really does ricochet.
You can read the full interview here (although you must subscribe) but,
for free, here, examine a crisp debrief.
BeachGrit: First, I want to list my favourite quote:
“Girls shouldn’t
surf, they make fools out of themselves.” Provocative! A
different time, yes?
Warshaw: There’s nothing to say in Nat’s defense
except he’s 18, invincible, and Australian. In that interview you
do get flashes of the man he would later become. Nat can be really
generous and funny and gracious. But by and large, in this piece,
he’s just a bastard. In many ways I love how raw he is. But in
other moments, like the “girls” comment—which was cruel even by
1966 standards—you just want to punch him. Or get someone bigger
than yourself to punch him. Did you see the comment about the poor
Irish surfer?
BeachGrit: “What is the
meaning of it all?”
Everyone at the 1966 world titles had to fill out a
questionnaire, and one of the questions was “What do you get out of
surfing?” And Nat, in the interview, wonders “how the Irish guy
answered something like that. That would have been ridiculous.”
Just lashing out at that poor guy, his name was Kevin Cavey. Nat
can’t imagine an Irish surfer having any kind of meaningful
relationship with the sport.
“Nat can be really generous and funny and gracious. But by and
large, in this piece, he’s just a bastard. In many ways I love how
raw he is. But in other moments, like the “girls” comment—which was
cruel even by 1966 standards—you just want to punch him.”
BeachGrit: Everybody
dumps on the Irish! But let’s do a
little background on this interview. It’s 1966, San
Diego, it’s the world title and Nat Young is an
eighteen-year-old animal. Big. Smart. Powerful. Colour it in for
me.
Go back a year,
and Nat probably should have won the 1965 world titles in Peru. Kid
was just 17, but already so good. Big, tall, powerful, the best
paddler in creation, talent and ambition to burn.
He out-surfed everybody in Lima, but Felipe Pomar played by
the rules, got the biggest waves, rode the furthest, and won fair
and square. Nat was runner-up. And I think at that point there was
no way he wasn’t going to take it all in 1966. He won everything in
Australia that year; the New South Wales titles, Nationals, Bells.
Nat and Bob McTavish and George Greenough meanwhile were all
hunkered down working on equipment. Thinner boards, long narrow
flexible fins. Nat flew to San Diego with a 9’4” that was less than
2.5” thick. Ten-foot by 3.5” thick—that’s what the other guys were
on. David Nuuhiwa was God to American surfers, just 17, but smooth
as honey and could hang ten from here to the next county. Nat was
good on the nose too, but beyond that was just far and away the
most progressive surfer in the world, on the most progressive
equipment. So he won the contest going away. In the finals he rode
a wave to the beach, stepped off onto the sand, put his hands on
his hips and just stared down the judges. The mother of all
claims.
BeachGrit: Can you imagine John John,
say, or even Kelly Slater being this lucid, this self-aware,
this…candid… in a post world title interview? The references to ego
in surfing, the talk about “commercial interests”,
self-expression an so forth. I wonder, has the commercialisation of
surfing, the snatching of children from the cradle to become pro
surfers, the removal of all stimuli and challenges except those
related to surf technique, turned our best athletes into empty
vessels? Balls of stupid?
Barton Lynch was sort of like Nat in his interviews, but
without the arrogance. Pam Burridge, the same. Smart, aware, didn’t
pull punches. But sweet. Rabbit was a great interview, but there
was always a sense of performance, that he was putting on a show.
Kelly is very good, but also very calculating. With Kelly, you
never get it raw. But all of them were all a lot older when they
won their titles. Nat was just 18. So my answer is . . . nobody was
like him, certainly not at that age. It wasn’t just that he was
smart and lucid. All the bluster aside, Nat was eager to learn,
open to new ideas, a good listener. He just absorbed knowledge,
from Midget and McTavish, from Greenough, and certainly from Bob
Evans, who was a father-figure. Nat wasn’t a man in full at 18, but
he’s on his way, you can tell.
“The actual worst interview? She’s not a world champ, but I
tighten up whenever Courtney Conlogue is interviewed. She’s a
tremendous surfer, but all I really get from her—in the way she
rides waves, and from her speech—is just all the sweat and toil and
practice and repetition.”
BeachGrit: I’m awfully fond of Nat talking about
surfboard design, about the thickness of boards, accelerators and
brakes. This, “If you want a paddleboard, and you
want to get out the back, you go out and buy one. But surfboards
are made to ride waves and have nothing to do with
paddling.”
When I hear that, I hear McTavish’s voice. The bit where Nat
talks about two trains being on the same track — that’s a McTavish
riff. I think the gas pedal comment is also from Bob. But so what?
That’s what I was trying to say a minute ago. Nat just sucks in
ideas and thoughts and concepts. That’s what the great ones
do
BeachGrit: Was LSD and marijuana an influence on the
ability to be so… expansive?
Not in 1966, no. But there’s a funny picture of Nat in Peru
from the year before, at the after-contest party, just shitfaced on
the dance floor.
Nat! Shitfaced on the dance floor!
BeachGrit: If this is the best post-world
title interview. What’s the worst you’ve heard or
read?
Damien Hardman had nothing to say to creeps like me, to any
surf writer who raised a microphone to his face. But I always loved
him for that. It’s like Nat says, Be who you are. Damien never
wanted to be a public figure, and didn’t fake it, and good for him.
So his interviews are terrible, but for a good cause, if that makes
sense. The actual worst interview? She’s not a world champ, but I
tighten up whenever Courtney Conlogue is interviewed. She’s a
tremendous surfer, but all I really get from her—in the way she
rides waves, and from her speech—is just all the sweat and toil and
practice and repetition. Endless repetition. I always drink more on
the nights after I see Courtney onscreen.
BeachGrit: So we start
off with Nat insulting the girls, and end with you doing the
same?
Well, Nat was in a position of power. I’m just some poor
geezer blogging for free on your website. Courtney could beat me up
and still make it to the gym on time.
Loading comments...
Load Comments
0
Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
