A famous quarterback!
I’m tired of this, damn it. Sick and tired. Spring has sprung, the weather is warming, gender fluid teenagers are falling in love. It is a beautiful, beautiful time to be alive but I have not been able to enjoy any of it and do you know why? Well do you? It is because of Surf Ranch, damn it. Surf Ranch in Lemoore, California.
Spring also means the gates to Kelly Slater’s phantasm are open once again and the World Surf League is on a mission to have it on the tips of peoples’ tongues, always in their hearts, and therefore a new celebrity is being rolled out every week.
Every week.
Do you know how exhausting this is for the surf journalist? Well do you? Let me tell you. It is exhausting. There I am, at the end of my day with barely enough energy to even mix a cocktail. Totally spent having broken stories on Mick Fanning’s un-retirement and going deep into surf coaching. All I want is that cocktail that I barely have enough energy to mix. That cocktail and a mindless jaunt through Instagram.
So peaceful. So nice. There’s Luke Davis traveling somewhere new. There’s the kook of the day. There’s the New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees on a little Surf Ranch nugget and The Inertia has already pounced writing that Drew Brees got “pitted out of his mind.” I don’t think The Inertia knows what “pitted” means.
Son of a bitch.
My surf journalist heart begins to pound. It beats, “This is a story. This is a story. This is story.”
“But I’m exhausted…” my brain tries to protest. “…I’ve just cracked a piece on Australia’s surf clubs changing their sexist rule.”
Every damn week.
Now that the World Surf League has trapped the allure of the ocean in a controlled environment, one where celebrities can look ok surfing, they can roll this out again and again and again, dominating the news’ cycle, staying on top of the feed. I can feel Senior Vice President of Global Brand Identity Dave Prodan sneering at me from atop his gilded knock-off Aeron chair. Sneering at me and thinking he has a collar wrapped around my neck while he tugs the leash.
Well, I’m not giving in, World Surf League. I am not going to dutifully report every single celebrity that attends Surf Ranch this spring/summer.
I am not.
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Hanford sentinel just said they are expanding the surf by adding more pools to the original one.
Well the only consolation is surf is up (somewhat) for socal for a about week or so.
…said every man who’s ever send a dick pic.
Jadrool is an underused word in the English language.
I thought that was why people played golf.
Chas – did an NFL QB out surf you on the AI wave? Could you take a snap with the Saints on any given Sunday?? From that shot, Big Drew kinda looks like a style master, just sayin’. Maybe that is why you were late on breaking this developing story?
Ha ha, stylish Chas outsurfed by his mortal enemy, the frat boy bro! That’s really gotta sting.
Me thinks Kelly called it a ranch for a reason. Dudes, dudes and more dudes.
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Internet
Begrudgingly I have to give credit to Speaker for this crafty move. The WSL doesn’t have time to build its own NFL stadium. We all know the way to an NFL Stadium owner’s heart, and New Orleans’ soul is through their beloved QB. Crafty. Smart. KSWC must be brainstorming ways to bring Surf Ranch into an existing football stadium.
Now, THATS a good question……I liked it better when Kansas was clueless ….
I too am super over this, have been since I realised about 30 seconds after the first video of dick slater. Never will I ride that, because I’m not a pro golfer, but geez, drew brees? Come on king dick, quit slapping us in the face with your vegan ding dong. Go off somewhere and choke on it ya bunch of elitist dong lookers.
Do you remember the Simpson’s Episode when Giant advertisements took over Springfield? Lisa realized the only way to kill advertising was to not pay attention, therefore she wrote the song “Just Don’t Look” to get the entire town not to pay attention. This is how I feel about the Surf Ranch. Forget about it and it will die. Tickets $80-$9,500. Clearly they need some cash to keep it going. Dont Pay, Dont Pay attention and it will go away.
if they don’t put a Chicken Ranch directly adjacent, this business model is going nowhere. the casino is within parameters, however.
Fuck Lemoore. They need to build a wavepool in Nevada. Go blow all your money at the pool or at the casinos on The Strip, or at the whorehouse a short drive away from the pool. All three are great options for the targeted big spenders. Great for blowing off some corporate steam after a big sale.
I see that guy cruising around all over the south side. He is cool as. Never knew he even surfed. His house in kukuiula is so sick, totally dug into the side of the hill. Hopefully he does not get so good training at Kelly’s pool that he starts snagging sets at the drop!!!
I know what might keep him busy.
Does he still play foosball?
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Don’t stress! He’s merely invented a new sport so all the kooks can pay for what’s already free!
Same thing Mikey Wright’s doing for mullets; commercializing.
If Michael J Fox turns up with a Hoverboard, you’d be very negligent not to cover.
How are the foundation cup tickets selling?
Prudent question. Chas, do you have access to the numbers?
Every one who watched the wsl broardcast gets free entry. Depends who’s numbers you believe in but I reckon there are a few tickets left.
I’ve bought a ticket.
Ok.
I haven’t.
that was a lie.
Out of interest, is there a place at surf ranch where celebrities can do drugs before jumping in the pool to surf? Let’s hope they are accommodated for in this regard.
Just jerked off. Is that the same as getting “pitted” according to the Inertia? Please clarify.
That’s same as going over the falls. A bj is the tube equivalent. A Detroit steamer is a nothpoint tube to alley oop combo
I only hang out with people with mental problems. The others are boring. Really boring. Thanks for listening.
The line starts here..