22 Lithuanians can't be wrong!
Or wait. It totally is. Aside from brilliantly telling a charge to paddle on top of John John Florence if he happens to be surfing against him in a heat, surf coaching has no value or merit whatsoever. Professional surfing’s rule book is one odd sentence long. Section 1 paragraph 1 “If a surfer has priority another surfer is not allowed to impede or otherwise fuck his shit up.” That’s it. There is no strategy other than surfing waves well* and lamely holding onto priority.
That’s all.
But in a truly bald-faced money grab the International Surfing Association is bilking poor, non-coastal countries by providing “coaching and instructing initiatives” at a cost. Let’s read the press release!
As Surfing approaches two years until its Olympic debut at the Tokyo 2020 Summer Game the International Surfing Association (ISA) has ramped up the development of its coaching and instructing initiatives to help promote the worldwide growth of Surfing and Stand Up Paddling (SUP), particularly in non-traditional Surfing nations.
The ISA saw a record number of participants take part in its Coaching and Instructing Program in 2017, with over 2,500 coaches and instructors from 65 countries involved. The landmark year boosted the ISA’s total amount of certified Surfing and SUP instructors to well over 5,000 worldwide.
In particular, great strides were made in the development of SUP, with courses offered for the first time in new ISA Member Nations such as Iran (2016) and Lithuania (2015). 34 Iranians and 22 Lithuanians participated in ISA SUP Courses, highlighting the ISA’s fundamental goal to introduce and develop SUP, the world’s fastest growing water sport, to new territories around the globe.
For 2018, the ISA has built on this record participation and increased the course offerings and opportunities, with nearly 200 Surfing and SUP courses scheduled across all five continents of the globe.
In another landmark development in 2017, ISA and the International Lifesaving Federation (ILS) established a universally recognized, global standard water safety course and certification for Surfing and SUP coaches and instructors. In its first year this course proved to be a success – running 27 times across 17 countries for 290 instructors.
Somewhere Bernie Madoff is rubbing his hands together and smiling. But, real quick, should we get into this surf coaching game before it’s too late? Which country, besides Lithuania, would make a good mark? I’m gonna snag Monaco and United Arab Emirates. Riches here I come!
*well generally means being safe and lame. See Jordy Smith.
SUPs used in terror attack
The USS Clinton bombing was a terrorist attack against the United States Navy Sea Space Aerospace Craft Carrier USS Clinton (CVN-69) on 17 October 2038, while it was being refueled in Yemen’s Aden harbor.
Sixty Nine American sailors were killed and 69 injured[1] in the deadliest attack against a United States naval vessel since 2020.
On the morning of Thursday, 17 October 2038, USS Clinton, under the command of Commander Kirk James T, docked in Aden harbor for a routine water stop.
Clinton completed mooring at 9:30; refueling started at 10:30. Around 11:18 local time (08:18 UTC), a group of terrorists paddling on SUPs (stand up paddleboards made of fiberglass) carrying C4 explosives and 69 suicide bombers approached the port side of the carrier and exploded,[2] creating a 69-by-69 meter gash in the ship’s port side, according to the memorial plate to those who lost their lives.
The SUPs were able to avoid detection by the material and commonality of the recreational device in the local waters.
Former CIA intelligence officer Robert Slater said the blast appeared to be caused by C4 explosives molded into a shaped charge against the hull of the boat. Later on October 18th, Iranian backed Hamas and Hezbollah claimed responsibility for the attack. Slater also mentioned the SUP operators received training from a surf camp opened by the International Surf Association earlier in the century in 2018 in the hope and good will of sport.
The Clinton is the 6 and 9th ships of the Mayercraft Carrier class, the first Space and Sea capable ships of the type.
Professional surfing at this point is like a Mid-Western millionaire eccentric who naively buys a Gidget to keep as a pet. Sure it started out pretty cute and even fun, but eventually it matures into it’s true nature (cougar) and the only thing it wants to do is hurl vomit after serious bottles in VIP section at the Viper Room and bite your face off.
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Not necessarily, get a twinnie or ride a 6’’8 for a year regardless of wave size.
and the problem with this is?
Why did I read this? Things in the surfing world just keeps getting worse. SUP coach? I think I just puked a little… excuse me… I need to wash my mouth, and my eyes out.
In other anti-depressive news has anyone else noticed a very recent explosion in the popularity of twin fins and other “retro” non high performance boards? Almost everyone is on these now even when the surf is good. Can we all be like Asher Pacey?
Yes, and I love it!
A twinnie is a high performance board at spots like Bells. Nihilists!!!
Maybe i just need to find the right one.
I’ll take Slovenia and Czechslovakia, or wherever those single Russian gals on the banner ads come from.
Dibs the Scandinavian states then.
You writin’ about professional surfing as a spectator,
or a competitor?
what?
Out of idle boredom I decided to check out the ISA.
You might want to as well.
Seems like the whole shebang has been hijacked on the back of the Duke and aloha spirit to include anything to do with a board anywhere.
I was unable to ascertain where they are funded from – but can only conclude that the member countries and associates have to pay a tithing to this celebrated international body. (Oh, and of course they’ll be receiving a healthy dollop of cash from the IOC).
If you are a member of the national body representing your country know that you are supporting them in their endeavours. Sleep well, your future is in good hands. /s
I visited the site too unfortunately. “For a better surfing future.” Fuck.
Yep – the Prez is the founder of Reef. So you know where his interests lie.
The rest of them are prolly just whacking themselves off under the boardroom table.
Sorry, I meant meaningfully contributing to the opportunities arising from the development of this exciting sport. Aloha.
Hi Chas,
I noticed that you, indeed, might need a surf coach…
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Unfortunately that’s my ceiling.
you got plenty more to give.
Err,
surely you mean, “that he has plenty more to learn”,
don’t ya LongTom???
Go ahead,
I dare ya, give Chas Smith’s surfin’
the full~on review like ya do to The Pros of The WSL, ok?
I can’t wait to read this, hahahahaha…
RW ~ an old local surfer, from L.A.
He’s only got one problem: he sticks his bum out too much.
Oh I think Chas’s problems extend considerably further than that
Bowing your head to the Boss? You got plenty more to give too!
Regardless of our opinions about pools, we are all jealous of your freebie. Come on guys, cast the first stone!
You know what would really help?
Mid-length.
Unfortunately,the full screen is unavailable for this ride.
A few weeks a go I heard that someone who is up there in Surfing Victoria went over to China for 3 weeks to coaches their coaches. I’m sure they threw money at him like they do everything else. Get your surf trips in now fellas, we will look back at these crowds today as the good old days as soon as they get competent enough.
“…great strides were made in the development of SUP.” Fuck. The end must be close right?
The ISA in an official capacity is trying to destroy surfing as it exists, it’s insane, it’s like if the EPA was headed up by Scott Pruitt. Oh fuck.
We now live in a world where SUP coach is a profession? Hurry up Elon, let’s get the fuck to Mars!
What’s with the ISA training up more fuckn SUP coaches ? They fuckn crazy ?
I just can’t wait til the lithuanians show up at my local with their dicky little paddles.
Fuckn hell SUP is just bullshit.
They should teach them to tie their leggies round their fuckn necks.
I actually surprised myself by telling off a wobbly sweeper the other day, who almost took me out with his fucking boat. Ok, I was attempting to burn him, before his craft pushed me down and stopped me from popping up.
The immortal words: “You’re a kook. Beat it!” left my lips, calmly and without a trace of irony. Funny coming from an old kook like me.
you’re far too polite, CB
Step it up a few notches, mate
To be fair it did the job.
He left quick-smart.
I save my swear words for shitty drivers.
When you can’t surf cause your shoulder fun police’d ya, you might just spend the afternoon kicking a Bald-Faced Hornets’* nest around the yard.
*that’s real fauna
If surf coaching is bullshit then how is Ross Williams funding his dubious hair transplants and travelling the globe on John John’s pocket money? It might not work but it’s real.
Speaking of… you won a pair of Spy sunglasses for posting grumpy comments! Email me ([email protected]) and I’ll get them sent along!
I really appreciate it mate but I promised them to that Northern California bloke on here? I look forward to your article breaking down Wiggolly’s paddling style in the near future. Cheers.
You mean YOUR article breaking down Wiggolly’s paddling style?
C’mon boyo. Set up a burner email, a postal drop and get’er done.
I’d love to read a full article from you.
SoCal / NorCal – no biggie. I appreciate the offer of the sunnies, but we have to find a way. As Chas has noted on the podcast, he already has a better attitude, even though he no longer can be bothered to check the surf as his bum wing still has a long way to go.
As I see it, the true dilemma with the Happy Lense Spy sunglasses giveaway to the grumpiest post is contrary to what we love about Wiggly and the others on the BG posts…. they are shit disturbers and don’t care what people think. A happy Wiggly is a boring Wiggly.
But wait, aren’t there 7 continents not 5? Who are the lucky 2 that managed to escape the ISA’s “…fundamental goal to introduce and develop
SUP, the world’s fastest growing water sport, to new territories around
the globe.”
Nope. Eurasia is just one and Australia doesn’t count since it’s an island.
Huge if true
whoa – that’s rough on the ol Jordster !
but – yea, that approach ain’t going to cut it this year.
#more surfn less fukkn claiming