How to: Achieve the perfect “beach vibes” body!

The Surf Ranch Pro is almost here! Are you ready?

There’s less than a month to go before the big surf contest at Surf Ranch. Are you ready for the challenge? A trip to the Surf Ranch is not a journey for the weak. You will need to prepare carefully.

Here at Beachgrit we’re here to help. We want to make sure you don’t end up passed out from heat exhaustion and too much tequila — at least not until the surfing is over. After that, well, it’s up to you. We aren’t here to tell you how to live. But we can make sure your friends don’t leave you behind as you embark on your quest for endless beach vibes* fun at the Surf Ranch.

Here are four easy exercises to help you prepare for the big event.

1. Go the distance.
The pool at the Surf Ranch is 700 meters long. You can expect to walk that distance multiple times throughout each day as you try your best to see your favorite surfers get barreled.

The BG workout: Put on your favorite Rip Curl t-shirt, the one that has Mick Fanning’s face on it. Drive to Trestles. Park as far as you can from the trailhead. Now walk down the Trestles trail to the edge of the beach. Walk briskly to create a light sweat. Do not go on to the beach. Turn around, walk back up the Trestles trail. Do this ten times. Then, without ever going to the beach, walk back to your car and drive home. Do this exercise daily between now and your trip to Surf Ranch.

2. Feel the burn.
The current temperature in Lemoore is 104 (feels like 111). September is among the hottest times of the year in California and you’re going to experience it at its best right there in the Central Valley. Four whole days of 100-degree days — you aren’t on the coast anymore, bro. And it’s going to feel so good. Or at least, it will, if you start preparing now.

The BG workout: Put on your favorite tank top, the one you bought at the Hurley store during the Vans US Open this summer. Slide into your new flip flops. Forget to bring a hat. Drive to your local outdoor mall. If you don’t know where your local mall is, google it. (Do we have to solve everything for you?) A strip mall will work fine for this exercise.

Park as far away from the entrance as possible. Walk briskly, to create a light sweat. Find a spot of concrete without a hint of shade. Stand there. Feel the sun burn the bald spot on the back of your head that you like to pretend isn’t there, but totally is. Remain standing in that spot until sunset or you collapse with exhaustion. Return the next day and repeat. Ignore the suspicious looks from the security guards. You are doing important training!

3. Practice your intention.
You’re going to Surf Ranch to watch surfing, not to do it. This fact is important to keep in mind as you prepare for your big trip. It also requires practice and intention. What do you usually do when you see perfect waves? That’s right, wax up your midlength and get straight out there. Not this time.

The BG workout: Put on your second-favorite tank top, the one you won in the raffle at the Proximity premier. Drive to your local beach. Park as far from the beach as possible. Walk briskly through the parking lot and down the sand. You should work up a light sweat.

Now stand close to the water’s edge. Do not allow your feet — or any part of your body — to touch the water. Watch other people surf. Feel your bald spot start to burn. Convince a passing grom to give you his Vissla hat. Continue watching people surf until they all go home or you collapse with exhaustion.

4. Train your strength.
We’ve established that you aren’t going to Surf Ranch to surf. So what are you going to do? You’re going to stand in the sun and watch surfing. You’re going to remember a hat, so your bald spot doesn’t burn.

And you’re going to drink. How else are you going to ease the pain of watching other people surf perfect waves? Tequila is the only way and you’re going to need all the strength you can muster for four full days of cuddling with the agave’s nectar.

The BG workout: Put on your favorite flannel shirt, the one you stole from your best friend. He has more money than you do, so he didn’t need it anyway. Drive to your local grocery store. Park as far away from the entrance as possible. Walk briskly to create a light sweat.

Find the liquor aisle. If you can’t find it on your own, ask a friendly store employee for help. Peruse the selections on offer. Buy several bottles of mid-priced tequila. Avoid the barrel-aged stuff that might actually taste good.

Go home, sit down at your kitchen table, and begin doing shots. Realize that you don’t really even like the flannel shirt you stole from your best friend. Text him to tell him so. Keep doing shots. Text that cute girl you saw at the beach yesterday. Did you really think she was going to answer you? Of course not.

Pass out on your kitchen floor. Wake up wondering where you are and what happened. Repeat until you run out of tequila. If you feel like you can’t complete this workout on your own, invite your friends to help out. Other than stealing their dumb shirts, what else are friends for?

*(ed. note) In case you missed, the World Surf League is regularly using the phrase “beach vibes” in marketing material for the upcoming Surf Ranch event.