How to: Achieve the perfect “beach vibes” body!

The Surf Ranch Pro is almost here! Are you ready?

There’s less than a month to go before the big surf contest at Surf Ranch. Are you ready for the challenge? A trip to the Surf Ranch is not a journey for the weak. You will need to prepare carefully.

Here at Beachgrit we’re here to help. We want to make sure you don’t end up passed out from heat exhaustion and too much tequila — at least not until the surfing is over. After that, well, it’s up to you. We aren’t here to tell you how to live. But we can make sure your friends don’t leave you behind as you embark on your quest for endless beach vibes* fun at the Surf Ranch.

Here are four easy exercises to help you prepare for the big event.

1. Go the distance.
The pool at the Surf Ranch is 700 meters long. You can expect to walk that distance multiple times throughout each day as you try your best to see your favorite surfers get barreled.

The BG workout: Put on your favorite Rip Curl t-shirt, the one that has Mick Fanning’s face on it. Drive to Trestles. Park as far as you can from the trailhead. Now walk down the Trestles trail to the edge of the beach. Walk briskly to create a light sweat. Do not go on to the beach. Turn around, walk back up the Trestles trail. Do this ten times. Then, without ever going to the beach, walk back to your car and drive home. Do this exercise daily between now and your trip to Surf Ranch.

2. Feel the burn.
The current temperature in Lemoore is 104 (feels like 111). September is among the hottest times of the year in California and you’re going to experience it at its best right there in the Central Valley. Four whole days of 100-degree days — you aren’t on the coast anymore, bro. And it’s going to feel so good. Or at least, it will, if you start preparing now.

The BG workout: Put on your favorite tank top, the one you bought at the Hurley store during the Vans US Open this summer. Slide into your new flip flops. Forget to bring a hat. Drive to your local outdoor mall. If you don’t know where your local mall is, google it. (Do we have to solve everything for you?) A strip mall will work fine for this exercise.

Park as far away from the entrance as possible. Walk briskly, to create a light sweat. Find a spot of concrete without a hint of shade. Stand there. Feel the sun burn the bald spot on the back of your head that you like to pretend isn’t there, but totally is. Remain standing in that spot until sunset or you collapse with exhaustion. Return the next day and repeat. Ignore the suspicious looks from the security guards. You are doing important training!

3. Practice your intention.
You’re going to Surf Ranch to watch surfing, not to do it. This fact is important to keep in mind as you prepare for your big trip. It also requires practice and intention. What do you usually do when you see perfect waves? That’s right, wax up your midlength and get straight out there. Not this time.

The BG workout: Put on your second-favorite tank top, the one you won in the raffle at the Proximity premier. Drive to your local beach. Park as far from the beach as possible. Walk briskly through the parking lot and down the sand. You should work up a light sweat.

Now stand close to the water’s edge. Do not allow your feet — or any part of your body — to touch the water. Watch other people surf. Feel your bald spot start to burn. Convince a passing grom to give you his Vissla hat. Continue watching people surf until they all go home or you collapse with exhaustion.

4. Train your strength.
We’ve established that you aren’t going to Surf Ranch to surf. So what are you going to do? You’re going to stand in the sun and watch surfing. You’re going to remember a hat, so your bald spot doesn’t burn.

And you’re going to drink. How else are you going to ease the pain of watching other people surf perfect waves? Tequila is the only way and you’re going to need all the strength you can muster for four full days of cuddling with the agave’s nectar.

The BG workout: Put on your favorite flannel shirt, the one you stole from your best friend. He has more money than you do, so he didn’t need it anyway. Drive to your local grocery store. Park as far away from the entrance as possible. Walk briskly to create a light sweat.

Find the liquor aisle. If you can’t find it on your own, ask a friendly store employee for help. Peruse the selections on offer. Buy several bottles of mid-priced tequila. Avoid the barrel-aged stuff that might actually taste good.

Go home, sit down at your kitchen table, and begin doing shots. Realize that you don’t really even like the flannel shirt you stole from your best friend. Text him to tell him so. Keep doing shots. Text that cute girl you saw at the beach yesterday. Did you really think she was going to answer you? Of course not.

Pass out on your kitchen floor. Wake up wondering where you are and what happened. Repeat until you run out of tequila. If you feel like you can’t complete this workout on your own, invite your friends to help out. Other than stealing their dumb shirts, what else are friends for?

*(ed. note) In case you missed, the World Surf League is regularly using the phrase “beach vibes” in marketing material for the upcoming Surf Ranch event.

Locals only: The shots heard ’round the world!

International media rightly horrified by bad bad surfers!

You have by now read many accounts of the shooting incident that occurred yesterday in New Zealand where angry locals allegedly fired at three surfers bobbing in the water and then yelled at them.

In case you have not here is a quick recap from Fake News CNN.

Three surfers say they were shot at while surfing at a jealously guarded surf spot in New Zealand’s North Island, police say.

Three shots were fired from a nearby ridge, one of which landed in the water just meters from one of the surfers, a 14-year-old boy, local media reported.

The surfers — two adults and the teenage boy — were riding waves at Te Maika off the Taharoa coast, near the entrance to Kawhia Harbour, last Thursday.

The shots were fired at them from two individuals onshore, the police report said. Their identity is currently unknown, Kawhia Police Senior Constable Jonathan Maoate said in a written statement.

New Zealand broadcaster TVNZ reported that the surfers who had been fired upon had hastily departed the surf spot after the incident.

“One of the bullets has hit just two meters away from the young fella … naturally they were terrified and have left the area,” police said, according to the report.

TVNZ added that the police had speculated that local may have fired the shots as a warning to outsiders to stay away, a practice known as “localism.”

Localism is not confined to New Zealand; surfers the world over have been known to sometimes violently protect surf spots from encroachment from non-locals.

And it is true. Localism is not confined to New Zealand. Surfers the world over have been known to sometimes violently protect surf spots from encroachment from non-locals. Another publication referred to these “non-locals” as “trolls.” Is that true? Is the term “trolls” currently trending?

Whatever the case, shooting at other people over surfing is bad and the international media is rightly horrified but…. I mean, there are no buts but… oh never mind.

Real quick though, if you were going to shoot warning shots at some non-local surfing trolls bobbing in the water would you use an ADS amphibious rifle preferred by the Russian special forces or a Colt M4 with optional mountings for a grenade launcher?

Would a BB gun have the same effect?

Oh never mind.

Shooting at other people with anything, even a wrist-rocket, over surfing is very bad.

Don't surf here!
Don’t surf here!

Jae "Mullet" Waters, Cooper Allen and Thomas Harper.

“Kid with mullet” and pal get bravery award for dragging mutal buddy from jaws of Great White!

"My reaction was to try and get our friend out."

Two Ballina teenagers have been feted by the Queen’s rep in Australia and awarded bravery medals for intervening in a Great White attack on a mutual pal two years ago.

Jae Waters and Thomas Harper were fourteen and sixteen when they saw a Great White hit Cooper Allen, seventeen, at Lighthouse Beach.

“I was pretty close to him, probably ten metres away. We were just cruising,” Jae, left in the main photo, who became known around Ballina as “the kid with the mullet”, told the Sydney Morning Herald. “I thought he was messing around, like jumping off his board.  Then I saw a bit more commotion and splashing around behind him. I saw the shark’s head behind Cooper at the start, then it swam between us. I didn’t look back but Tom did and said he saw the shark following us.”

(Read here.)

This is how your favourite shark bounty hunter Fred Pawle reported the attack at the time: 

As he lay on the sand surveying deep gashes to his leg after being attacked by a “massive” shark, 17-year-old Cooper Allen this morning made one heartfelt request: Don’t tell mum.

Cooper’s “Ballina hickey.”  Photo: Amanda Abate/Channel 7/TwitterSource:Twitter

“He said, ‘you can call my dad, but don’t tell mum yet’,” said local surfer Dan Webber, who was in the water 5m away when the attack happened at Ballina, NSW and raised the alarm.

Mr Webber said Cooper, who lives across the road from the beach at North Wall and is one of the most regular teenagers in the water, was extremely lucky, and is likely to make a full recovery. He added that Cooper is an HSC student at one of the local schools.

“I’m no doctor, but I think he’s going to be fine,” Mr Webber said, still shaking from the experience.

There were four “huge” gashes in his leg about 5cm apart. “So the shark was a massive f**king thing,” he said.

Mr Webber was on his way out to join Cooper and his two mates when the attack happened. He was wading in waist-deep water when he saw a dark object in the water. What unfolded then was similar to what famously happened to pro surfer Mick Fanning last year, he said.

“His two mates swam up to him, and I joined them,” he said. “He’s just swimming backwards away from it. I think it (the shark) was tangled up in his legrope. I saw the dorsal and the tail fin thrashing around.

“He’s looked at me and said, ‘get someone to call an ambulance’. He was so calm and in control.”

Mr Webber screamed at two surf lifesavers who were erecting flags on the beach. He was surprised that the response was not urgent.

“Everyone was just standing around. It was like a whole minute of me screaming. But I was screaming for an ambulance. I should have screamed shark.”


Curses: Real life Satanist to play Surf Ranch!

And you thought they all disappeared in jr. high!

Now that Tahiti is done (how exciting is the race ‘tween Filipe and Gabe?) we can turn our full attention to Lemoore, California and the wonders of Surf Ranch.

Tell me true, have you purchased a ticket yet?

Did the announcement that blink-182 will play Saturday night sway you?

Are you a Satanist?

But do you recall Satanism? I mostly do from my elementary school days when the angry boy sitting next to me drew upside-down stars on his Pee-Chee and my friend Jon Ross got Twisted Sister’s Stay Hungry for his birthday. Rumors and research (asking another friend’s older brother who liked Dyno bicycles) revealed that the upside-down star was actually called a “pentagram” and was the symbol of Satan himself.

Twisted Sister’s Stay Hungry featured lead singer Dee Snider likely eating a virgin’s thigh and singing songs about burning in hell.

Oooee it was a scary time to be alive. Nightmares of evil Satanists taking over the world terrorized my young mind. Satan sending his legions messages via Led Zeppelin songs played backwards. Sacrificed neighborhood cats. Etc.

When I was a bit older, I actually read The Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey, founder of The Church of Satan, and was brutally underwhelmed.

LaVey, who very much looked the part with his bald head and pointy goatee (pictured above), had basically just taken the real Bible and written the opposite. Hate your neighbor, don’t turn the other cheek, etc. Very uninspired and I wondered who could ever take such pulp seriously.

Apparently blink-182’s new guitarist/vocalist Matt Skiba. He is a real life, modern Satanist, can you even believe, and let us read his own words on Alternative Nation, shall we?

I love the art and the fashion and the aesthetic of the Church Of Satan. That’s what always drew me to it. I have a lot of books about black magic and demonology, and I err on the side of that being real, but I wasn’t putting curses on people. And there was a time when I would say I was a Satanist. Me and Derek bought each other Church of Satan membership cards for Christmas because we didn’t want to pay the $300 or whatever it was to join, so that kind of shows you how loyal a member I am. For me, it was all aesthetics, and my interests were solely on the black arts. Then a friend of mine gave me a book that I have on my coffee table to this day. She introduced more of what a witch would call white magic – or, as I’ll put it, positivity, kindness, beauty.

You also keep revenge and all the seven deadly sins in your pocket because they’re good to have, but you need balance. Before that good juju came into my life, there were a lot of kids who really loved it, but somebody said to me recently, ‘Your band probably would have been a lot bigger had you not had the satanic imagery,’ and my answer to that was, ‘Good!’ I feel people made a bigger deal of it than it actually is. I’m still a fan of black magic, but I’ve also learned such a lot in the last 20 years that that little black-magic kid seems like a different person to me now. I mean, I have crystals at my house that I meditate with. I’m such a fucking hippy. But it works for me and if you were me you’d do it, too. You’d try fucking anything.


Do you think Surf Ranch will produce limited edition merchandise feat. pentagrams? Are there already Satanic symbols marking the property? Are the neighborhood cats safe?

I’ll get to the bottom of this, don’t you worry. Don’t you even lose one night of sleep.

Matt Skiba pictured making a Satanic face.
Matt Skiba pictured making a Satanic face.

Oh and P.S. you’re welcome for this other little bit of Satanism.

Soul: Kelly Slater’s Mom Fast Pals with Aretha Franklin (RIP etc)!

"When she came down to sing we'd hang out," says Judy Slater.

Real sad the Big Mama of soul Aretha Franklin died three days ago. Oowee, the way she threw her head back in the throes of some mysterious climax; the electricity she poured through our spines.

Ain’t surprising she dead, though.

Can’t weigh two hundred and figgits pounds your whole adult life and think nothing bad’s gonna happen.

Now, a Florida newspaper has revealed that Kelly Slater’s mother, Judy, was pals with Aretha back in the sixties when the Queen of Soul was hitting dive bars all along the east coast.

Barefooted and underage, Judy Slater would find a nice, quiet seat inside the Vanguard bar in Cocoa Beach back in the mid-’60s, rubbing elbows with astronauts and surfers, to see a young Aretha Franklin belt out a few melodies each night.

“It was a crummy little bar, but everyone went there,” Slater said Thursday, just hours after the legendary singer passed away at her home in Detroit at the age of 76, reportedly from pancreatic cancer.

Who knew “The Queen of Soul” had close ties to the mom of Kelly Slater, “The King of Surfing?”

Judy Slater (now Judy Slater Lane) had just moved to the area in 1966 from Bethesda, Maryland, rooming with three others in a townhouse. The Vanguard bar, located at the end of SR 520, often played rock ‘n roll, but owner Nort Kurlan also saw something special in the melodic lyrics of a budding superstar who spent vacations in the Cocoa Beach area.

“She was just my friend,” Slater said. “When she came down, we’d hang out, and we became friends with the owners, Nort and Laura. We even spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at their house. She (Aretha) and I really didn’t have any place to go.”

In 1968, Slater was seven months pregnant with her first son, Sean, who also became a world-class surfer. 

“We were up in that area (of Maryland) and saw where she was performing at Constitution Hall in Washington,” Slater said. “Well, we got tickets, sat in the fourth row and it was so loud. I really thought I’d never see her again (because of being so famous). But she was great.”

When news came Thursday of her death, Slater was saddened.

“I felt bad, but she had quite a life and I really admired her,” said Slater, who loved the song “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” the most. 

“When I knew her, she was just a young girl who had a dream,” Slater said, “and she went for it. I’ll never forget her.”

Read the remnants of the story here!