Tonight: Hollywood does Hawaii and surf culture… again!

Most importantly, how do you feel about facial/body hair?

Were you a big fan of the Tom Selleck vehicle Magnum P.I.? With the Hawaiian shirt and the moustache and the red Ferrari? I’ll tell you the truth here. I wasn’t but not because I didn’t want to be but only because it first aired in 1980 and I was simply too young.

I was certainly a fan of Tom Selleck, as pinned to my 4th grade teacher’s wall all hirsute tugging on his panties I think. This was pre-#MeToo remember when women teachers could pin hirsute men on their walls with no blowback.

Ahhh.

Anyhow, back to Magnum P.I. Wikipedia describes the plot as:

Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV is a private investigator played by Tom Selleck. He resides in the guest house of a 200-acre (81 ha) beachfront estate called Robin’s Nest, in Hawaii, at the invitation of its owner, Robin Masters, the celebrated, but never-seen, author of several dozen lurid novels.Ostensibly this is quid pro quo for Magnum’s services based upon his expertise in security; the pilot and several early episodes suggest Magnum had done Masters a favor of some kind, possibly when Masters hired him for a case. The voice of Robin Masters, heard only a few times per season, was provided by Orson Welles (one last “appearance” was provided by a different actor, Reid Crandell).[citation needed]

Magnum lives a luxurious life on the estate and operates as a P.I. on cases that suit him. The only thorn in the side of his near-perfect lifestyle is Jonathan Quayle Higgins III, played by John Hillerman. An ex–British Army Sergeant Major, he is on the surface a stern, “by-the-book” caretaker of Robin’s Nest, whose strict ways often conflict with Magnum’s more easy-going methods. He patrols Robin’s Nest with his two highly trained “lads”, Doberman Pinschers named Zeus and Apollo. Magnum has free use of the guest house and the car, a Ferrari 308 GTS Quattrovalvole, but as a humorous aside in various episodes, often has to bargain with Higgins for use of estate amenities such as the tennis courts, wine cellar and expensive cameras.

Etc.

Which is why Wikipedia is shit because is that a plot? But whatever. Hawaii, surfing and television. We’ve seen this dance before more recently with the hit show Hawaii 5-0 which is amazing because Scott Caan shreds (learn why here!) but Magnum P.I. It is getting rebooted tonight and the new star says:

One thing that is different is that it’s more action-oriented. How much of that do you get to do? And did you have to learn how to scuba dive and paddle?

I did. For the surf ski, I took one lesson. It’s pretty hard. And the day we shot it, it was rainy and windy, so non-ideal conditions but we got through it. The scuba diving scene in the original draft of the pilot was much more involved. It was like this whole fight scene that took place underwater. It was super-amazing, but it was just too crazy to shoot in the amount of time that we had, so it got cut.

What the hell is a surf ski?

Nick Carroll? Is this what you were telling me about?

More importantly, will you watch? The new Magnum P.I. is refusing to wear a moustache which I find abhorrent.

Which brings me to the real point of the post. How do you feel about facial/body hair? Tell me true.


From oblivion to world domination! The miracle ride of Australian surfer Robbie Bain.

From the you-can-do-anything department: World Grand Wizard Rob Bain’s Miracle World Title!

It's a real tearjerker!

Life, as we’re all aware, can be violently extinguished or instantly ruined. Don’t matter if you’re the genius head of a trillion-dollar company or down at heel and milking lonely dads in stairwells, we’re all one breath away from oblivion.

The Australian surfer Rob Bain, who won the title of World Grand Surfing Wizard yesterday in the Azores, is one man who’s looked into the void, decided it wasn’t for him, and stormed back to take life by the horn, as they say.

Nine years ago, he snapped his neck surfing at North Avalon, a breezy sorta Sydney reef.

“It was the worst thing but it was also a beautiful thing,” says Rob.

Click below to listen to his story, knowing he was “broken inside” of “feeling like I was going to die” and of hearing the paramedics and the doctor arguing over what to do with his terrible injuries and the aftermath of a catastrophic injury.


Breaking: Kelly Slater’s record 11 World Titles set to fall!

Is Rob Ba12n a longshot? What about Tom Carro13? Layne Bea19ly?

So here I was, minding my own business, taking care of some overdue housekeeping when a giant bomb dropped from the heavens and landed on my head. Not a literal bomb, of course, a figurative one but with such a blast radius that I immediately stopped the overdue housekeeping and came here, to you, for solace.

You know Kelly Slater, the greatest surfer to ever live, very good, etc. has won an unprecedented, unheard of even, eleven world titles over the course of his lengthy career.

11.

It is so many world titles that I feel John John etc. are daunted and can leave the tour, satisfied after a few titles because 11 is obviously out of reach. Nobody is ever going to try and beat 11 because who has that sort of time on their hands?

Well, it was revealed today that winning one of the WSL’s new Masters and Grand Wizard events = one World Title. Don’t believe me? Here is a reputable news source then (I think reputable).

MORE than a decade after she won the last of a record seven women’s world surfing crowns Layne Beachley has returned to the water to snare an eighth title.

Beachley became the first female winner of a WSL world masters crown with her victory over Hawaiian Rochelle Ballard in the Azores as Australian surfers cleansweep every division.

The speciality event run by the WSL showcased the greats of world surfing with Beachley still boasting winning form 12 years after winning her seventh world tour title in 2006.

Etc.

At first I was very upset with this seemingly unfair reality. A whole year of grinding out a World Title, surfing events around the literal world, not figurative world, vs. winning one event but then I thought about how old all the Masters and Grand Wizard surfers are and I suppose it makes sense? A Herculean effort?

Whatever the case, this is our new reality and Kelly Slater is left with few options. Either he gets into the Masters then Grand Wizard division and pads his bottom line or Rob Ba12n shirts are going to be popping up all over.

Or is Rob Ba12n a longshot?

What about Tom Carro13?

Tom Curr18?

Layne Bea19ly?

Ian C20rns?

Where was Ian Cairns during the Grand Wizards anyhow?

And who do you put your money on to break Kelly Slater’s heretofore unbreakable record? Besides Kelly.

Also, can anyone join the Masters or Grand Wizards? Asking for my 74 year old self.


Proven: Surfing, like BeachGrit, is officially anti-depressive!

Bliss achieved!

I have made it my business to mock people who ascribe some sort of spiritual quality to surfing. To mock them ruthlessly. I’ve always believed that surfing makes you slightly-to-lots worse as a person. Worse at work, worse in relationships, a worse parent and a worse friend. Not that it is necessarily bad to be bad but let’s all just be honest about it, right? Like, let’s all look in the mirror and admit that the “exercise” and “peacefulness” of surfing is all fake. It’s better exercise to power walk to the store for beer and it’s more peaceful to drink that beer.

Right?

Apparently not for the true experts have officially spoken to the UK’s Telegraph. Let’s read!

The US Navy this year embarked on a $1 million (£762,000) research project investigating the potential of surfing to help military personnel with PTSD, depression or sleep problems.

Initial results have already shown surfing can lead to a decrease in symptoms of depression. To active surfers (500,000 in the UK and 35 million globally), this “news” is anything but new.

“Surfing is the best therapist you can go to,” says former British champion surfer Laura Crane. “There is something about just being free and floating in the ocean.” The rhythm of the ocean is similar to that experienced in the womb, says Tom Kay, founder of surf clothing brand Finisterre. “There’s a strong link between health and well-being, and being in the sea.” Salt water contains magnesium, which is calming, and exposure to the sea strengthens the immune system, as well as helping to normalise blood pressure.

Surfing is mindfulness in action. You just need a board, a wetsuit and the sea. Watching waves, waiting for the right one, paddling and catching it demand your full attention. “It’s a focused state – a trance state,” says Gulf War veteran and psychotherapist Rich Emerson. “It gives you a break from everything else.”

It’s immersive, addictive and it both grounds and uplifts. Outdoor therapist Ruth Allen, of White Peak Wellbeing, says: “Overcoming fears, taking calculated risks and riding a wave allows people a genuine sense of achievement, while literally washing away negative feelings.”

And it’s not just negative life events that can be tricky to process. “I got married, started a family and set up a film-production company in one year,” says Harry Anscombe, CEO of Beagle. “Surfing helped me cope with the new responsibilities, because it got me out of myself for a couple of hours.”

It also reminds us that there are always forces beyond our control. “We all try to plan and control our lives,” Anscombe says. “But if you try to dominate the waves, you get beasted.”

Surfing has one trump card that few other physical pastimes, immersive as they are, can beat. You can’t take your mobile phone with you.

“Surfing puts you out of touch with technology and the thought processes around that part of your life,” agrees Joe Taylor, founder of the Wave Project, the UK’s first surf therapy charity. In his experience a great deal of anxiety and other mental health issues, particularly among young people, are amplified by social media and technology. The relentless pressure to be always-on, or to be something you’re not, can take its toll and surfing provides the antidote. “Surfing is completely honest. You can’t fake it,” says Stoy.

Etc.

But seriously, is there 35 million fucking surfers in the water? 35 fucking million? No wonder everywhere is so fucking crowded.

So over it. Fucking kooks everywhere.

Fucking kooks.


Must-read: Five life lessons you can learn from the world masters champs!

Learn from your wizened elders!

As reported earlier, the Australian triumvirate of Rob Bain, Layne Beachley and Dave Macaulay shot hell out of a crackerjack field of icons, legends, gods of surf etc at the world masters champs in the Azores.

It was a contest that resonated, perhaps, due to nostalgia for a sweeter time.

What struck me, most of all, were the lessons a younger man or woman might learn from these giants of the game. Lessons that, if not a matter of immediate life and death, can determine future happiness.

  1. It’s easy to get fat: When you’re a kid your metabolism is a furnace and you can shovel, without fear of disaster, anything down your throat. As you age, that fire dims. Where you once dined like a king, now you must eat like a pauper. With a few exceptions, the men carted a tube of fat around their hips, some the rubber from a tractor. It ain’t called middle-aged spread for nothing. And who surfs their best with twenty pounds strapped in the middle?
  2. Sun is crueller to women than men: Already proven by science, but on full reveal in the Azores, the damn sun dries out the fragile, soft skin of a woman and turns it into a vicious prune. What’s Tom Curren? Fifty something and rough as hell? He has the skin of a bikini model of forty. Girls, if you’re not doing it already, cower from that giant grapefruit in the sky.
  3. Surfing don’t care how good you were thirty years ago. You could tell who was surfing most days and who had to brush the cobwebs off their surfboards: the hesitation on takeoffs, the botched turns, the very odd wave choice. You gotta work, sure, but find an hour here, an hour there to keep your instrument tuned. Can you imagine the mind-fuck of transitioning from world-class surfer to adult learner?
  4. Age don’t necessarily diminish your skill: Luke Egan, who is forty nine, and Rob Bain, a wizened fifty-six, were among those whose surfing was as fresh as it was back when Bill Clinton was screwing his way across America. It ain’t middle age that kills your surfing; it’s lifestyle.
  5. Even world champs can’t pull off a surf hat. The former world number two Dave Macaulay became the first world champion surfer to win the title with a surf hat strapped to his head. In my judgement, it wasn’t the most beautiful thing the world has seen.