Who has the piggy face with the DNA to fight? Who can go to a "dark place"?
In honour of all the “How tough is Zeke?” comments in response to his recent video, I’ve created the definitive rankings of how the top 34 would fair in one-on-one street fights against each other.
Several ringers have been included to set the scale.
Go ahead and argue if you didn’t notice the “definitive” part above.
But yeah, definitive.
Luke Rockhold (SCZ) That shin injury that kept him out of UFC 230? Bad luck for the top 34 he now has the time to focus on the WSL. He’d beat up any pro surfer ever, and also your dad when you were in elementary school.
Joel Tudor (LAJ) He’s a love-to-hate personality, but the elite level of his Brazillian Jiu Jitsu is undeniable. You think he’d get punched coming in and crumple, but the guy has mongoose DNA, and his ability to lock any joint from any angle is uncanny.
Michel Bourez (PYF) Stumpy explosive athlete with high level BJJ. He’s the class of the WSL.
Willian Cardoso (BRA) Panda looks tough to hurt, relentlessly aggressive, not a soft upbringing.
Ezekiel Lau (HAW) Archetypal Polynesian football athlete. Probably could have played safety at USC if he’d been interested in making a nickel. Like many Polynesians, I smell in him the ability to roll back his eyes and go to the dark place.
Wade Carmichael (AUS) See Cardoso minus the Brazilian pedigree.
Frederico Morais (PRT) Has a fighter’s frame, appears to know how to generate power and leverage.
Kolohe Andino (USA) Bigger than he acts, and deep under the peanut-gallery-abused exterior there’s an Offspring song dying to thrash whatever’s in front of it. Plus Greek. Greeks are stronger than they look and meaner than they seem. He’d press his thumb into your eye.
John John Florence (HAW) Big kid from a fighty place. Much more of a quick-twitch athlete than he seems. Doesn’t seem to want to fight but could if pressed.
Mick Fanning (AUS) If he managed to take an opponent deeper than a couple of minutes his cardio is unmatched. Big jaw, looks hard to switch off.
Julian Wilson (AUS) All guys with that piggy face can brawl – probably the recessive Orc DNA.
Keanu Asing (HAW) Pound for pound favorite, Asing is a tough kid from a brawly culture. Trains some MMA with his bad-ass girl, and ostensibly has carnal relations with her and so steals some of her power (#science). Lacks mass though and might be overwhelmed by bigger opponents.
Connor O’Leary (AUS) Biggest of the younger guys, and it’s said he’s related to Bruce Lee. By racists, but still.
Gabriel Medina (BRA) Physically a super-elite athlete in the stem cell mold. Is very likely very good at everything physical, has a quick and mean mind running the machine.
Joel Parkinson (AUS) Could probably conjure his inner Ocker in a pinch.
Patrick Gudauskas (USA) Maybe you’d break your hand on those teeth and then feel the wrath of a vengeful Lord. But narrow face looks like he’s a high risk for KO.
Jeremy Flores (FRA) Probably the most wrong here. Lot of fight in a small dog but usually that seems to be directed to people not interested in whole-hearted reciprocation. MMA training though floats his cause upward.
Jordy Smith (ZAF) Big strong man but can’t see him setting his jaw and following through all the way.
Adrian Buchan (AUS) He’s here because like his surfing I could think about it all day and still not have an opinion.
Matt Wilkinson (AUS) Wildman with a long reach, but no one can fight on rollerskates.
Adriano de Souza (BRA) The little plumber seems like a pack-a-luncher, but that lunch is only so big.
Sebastian Zietz (HAW) All the hardcore Hawaii local cred, but Seabass seems too essentially good-natured to throw down with conviction.
Paige Hareb (NZL) Have you seen her fights? Tough little bitch with zero quit in her.
Joan Duru (FRA) Slip of a man, but he’s French so maybe if he became offended the Celt deep in his DNA would emerge.
Michael Rodrigues (BRA) He’s so quick, and yet there’s so little of him. But maybe he’d pick a middling opponent apart like an angry ferret.
Italo Ferreira (BRA) Given his backside attack he could throw a vicious roundhouse kick, but given his height at very best it might catch you in the nuts.
Jen See (IOWA) She seems like a mean person trying not to be mean. And could that vertical leap maybe be followed by a snappy kick to the side of the head?
Pottz (ENG) The initial whirlwind you’d face when the ’89 World Champion opened his account would be of consequence, but as long as he didn’t take out his scalpel and jam it in your pocket, after a minute he wouldn’t be able to get back to the power source and peter out on the flats.
Conner Coffin (USA) Look, he could hit you with his guitar, but it’s acoustic.
Tomas Hermes (BRA) All I can give him credit for is being a grown ass man, and as we age we become more shrewd.
Michael February (ZAF) So long, and yet so slow. But I assume South Africa makes you tough given the horrific murder rate and such.
Derek Rielly (AUS) Probably could generate some leverage when he turns those wide coat-hanger shoulders, but not a lot of baseline grunt supporting any of it.
Jesse Mendes (BRA) Honestly I don’t really know who he is.
Chas Smith (COOS) A coffee-table jumping fugue-state can take over at any moment, and hands are long enough to establish a solid choke. Still though he looks like scientists went into a lab to invent a physique maximally adapted to getting knocked the fuck out.
Caio Ibelli (BRA) Has a pretty girlfriend.
Owen Wright (AUS) Knocked out duck diving isn’t a good sign.
Yago Dora (BRA) He seems like he’d slap instead of punching.
Kelly Slater (LMR) In 0-1 fight record, he folded like a house of cards after the first semi-stiff jab. That never goes away.
Filipe Toledo (BRA) Phil is lover, not a fighter. Bet his pops could knock some teeth out though.
Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) In a high wind he couldn’t walk to the ring.
Ashton Goggins (VAJ) See Kelly Slater, and then imagine that as a whiny old lady. And then imagine that having its fist thrust in the air victorious over Ashton Goggins’ limp corpse as the Orange County Sheriff races to the scene.
Evolution went a little sideways coupling the max ability to be knocked out with the thinnest of skins that chafe instantly at mildly rude Goggonian comments
That is the funniest surfing piece I have read in a long ,long time.
Maybe ever.
(Standing Ovation)
The Ace Buchan comment. Too good.
Sir, please come forward to collect your trophy.
More PNP articles please.
Derek Rielly (Aus): mildly deranged knife-fighter from waaaay back. Truly terrifying!
strawberry blonde, surely.
Or a gilded chestnut?
And a plum tinted sex nest?
Viking ancestry.
Precious DNA. Count yourself lucky, Sir!
Ragnar Longtom ?
If you do not have a side job writing romance novels, you should definitely get one. We could have a contest to pick your pseudonym, maybe!
Indigo Plums
What about Mr Mikey wildcard Wright. Just sticks out his chest and let’s the mullet do the rest
no chance in hell julian wilson can fight. dude has had pretty much the perfect life thus far. even so far as being the guy who didn’t get attacked at j-bay with only one other guys in the water.
Imma disagree with you there, and not just because of my former service. He’s got got Occy legs that provide a solid base for the core to transfer to the shoulders and throwing out jabs etc. Also, I reckon he would have been a cheeky little grom who would have got caught a bit by a few of the older knuckleheads and taught a few lessons. A bit more experience than you’d think.
As the youngest of three highly competitive brothers I would imagine that the Wilson household was kiddy fight club for a number of years and Julian probably the punching bag ?
Yep. I reckon there is a bit of shit talking still going on, not to mention the occasional chinese burn at the xmas day family cricket game in Tickle Park. Of course, it all stops when he reminds them who won the Coolum Boardriders Open Pointscore in 2007 as an 11yr old*.
*This is made up, but the point stands.
Jen See is from IOWA . . ? . . . cool. And let’s not forget that the guy who cracked Slater is a body boarder. Ooooooofff, that was a brutal comment on Chas’ physique. But, you know those peacocks? They walk around, all skinny-like, wearing all those flashy feathers? When those peacocks get crazy, they get crazy, it’s like a glitzy tornado of feathers and flying dinosaur feet. I imagine that’s what happens when Chas has to defend the castle.
I am not from Iowa. I think I drove through it once. I have been to Idaho, but not Indiana. This exhausts my experience with the states that start with “I”.
wonder if your wikipedia page says something to the effect? Ha.. I don’t have a wiki page.. but maybe I should start one for myself.. i can tell all
ha ha ha i don’t think i have a wikipedia page! that would be hilarious, really.
Ha, nothing wrong with Iowa, aside from Steve King (and other nutties, which exist everywhere). My mother’s family is from Omaha; very nice people. When people from Iowa would cross the river and drive around in Nebraska, the cornhuskers would look at their plates, IOWA, and proudly announce, “look, another Idiot Out Wandering Around.”
Ha ha ha, I think you’re probably right that I’m asshole at heart! But Iowa? Dude.
Also, needs more longtom, for reals.
Not from Iowa? Ahh sorry. I did do the extensive fact checking work though of it seemed right at the moment I wrote it. #SurfJournalism!
Now that you know which boys you could beat up, go ahead and get started whenever fits your schedule. I’d rank myself below you too, but save the frequent flyer miles for something more challenging 🙂
Factchecking is super overrated, on the whole. Totally born in SoCal. Totally.
ROAD TRIP.
I’m more interested in the ‘mean girl’ theory. I was more of the line Jen is a nice person, who avoids getting into situations where bad stuff can happen, and therefore doesn’t get to write about it. Except in coffee shops, then she cuts loose for sure.
Oh also: I ran into a real-life friend who reads the ‘grit today and we had so many laughs over this thing!
How about that! I had no idea when I was intensely studying shirtless photos of Frederico Morais in a totally heterosexual way that he was a fighter. How can I monetize this useless talent, I mean other than renewing marriage vows to a wife who actually has marketable skills?
Poor Ashton. He just seems to have a face that you want to bury a doc martin boot into.
Chris Ward?
I requested this in the original post. Also Dane and Bruce. PNP’s response:
Dane has some of that Orc DNA, but can’t seem to push away from the training table. I’m slotting him just above Wilko.
The record shows that Chris Ward is clearly above the highest ranked women.
Bruce has the frame of a bad-ass but is totally unmaintained, like a Dodge Charger that’s never had an oil change and now has blown a head gasket. I feel like he’d take Seabass but gas out and get choked by ADS, which fucks up my rankings. But somewhere right in there.
Is this Fringe or Beach Grit ? This hilarious piece of prose mutated in less than 48 hours from a comment to a full blown article . Sadly my comment and those of Bleached Git did not survive the darwinistic evolutionary process and became extinct.
Sorry!
No dramas . How was the fishing ?
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Monsters of the deep…
your arms look tired
Yip, It certainly wasn’t a walk in the park…
I’ve been tight to a few big kings off the rocks but it hasn’t lasted more than a minute each time.
Did you coordinate the yellow of your outfit to the colour of the fishes’ fins?
Very fetching.
Fuck, I love kingfish – as in eating them. Good catch.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c… Cheers but Bluenose 100 times tastier…
Yep, those too!
You on west coast, or?
Above the Top of the North Island.
What fuck’s wrong with that thing’s eye?!?
The bends I think… pulled up from 250m reasonably quickly.
Ouch.
Fish Huggers of the world unite and takeover…………..
Bloody big fish and without my glasses and the bottom half of your face covered I thought you’d posted a photo of celebrated fisherman and cricketer Merv Hughes from the cover of his book “ Caught in the Deep “ .
What clever things did you write?
The same boring old shit .
I feel like you’d get a splitting headache from all Kolohe’s bitching and moaning and his little screwed up lemon face before he ever landed a punch.
If anything this backs up PNP’s analysis, right? Plenty of meat and potatoes behind those kicks, but zero guard.
When the judging panel changes the criteria he’ll be easily wounded.
At 5 likes I imagine My plumbing company could get a sticker on his board for $100 bucks?
Are you looking for somewhere to invest?
I would fully rock your sticker. Doubly funny as I doubt you’ll get much business from Newy.
The North Shore of Oahu isn’t a “fighty place.” It’s so sterile and trust fundy now.
It’s all blessed an full of gratitude born again fuckers it seems now days
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD !
Na it’s still there, just full of fake people.
that truly sucks the biggest of donkey balls and says so much about our “sport”
I dunno about that. I was staying near sunset last december. I got angry with my missus and decked her. It seemed the right time and the right place.
Yeah,
Fighting is great, until it ain’t.
RIP
Angrys young bloke.
queenscliff, the new blacktown
Jesse Mendes should be much higher up on the rankings thanks to his deft pushing technique.
He’s a filthy snowballing cunt full fucking stop
Back to the qs for you dickhead.
A couple of these genuinely had me laughing. Chas and Joan Duru’s especially. Good stuff PNP.
Brilliant! The WSL needs this type of humor. If you can’t laugh at yourself….
oh how they would fuck this up