But is it true? Let's fact check the king!
It is Thanksgiving in America and I am Thankful for Kelly Slater. Someday he will disappear, leaving us only with memories of flat earth debates, OuterKnown, spotlight stealing head fake retirement announcements, Surf Ranch, 11 x world championships etc. but today is not that day and so let us gather around the family table and enjoy another fable from the greatest to ever slither into a rash guard.
Kelly chatted with Esquire magazine recently and ostensibly about technology. It is not an interesting conversation (he likes Candy Crush, he liked when Surfline was an 800 number read here!) but he does reveal something I find extremely doubtful. Let’s just get right into it.
It’s a Sunday afternoon in November, and downtime seems to be the order of the day. It has been for awhile now. A May 2018 incident on his personal wave machine left him phoneless for a couple weeks (call it an occupational hazard), forcing Slater to disconnect and appreciate the moments when acquaintances, brands, and obnoxious journalists aren’t blowing up his cell to chat.
“I was doing a live thing from a jet-ski and I dropped it in the water,” he laughs. “They found it like three weeks ago. It was kind of nice. You stop thinking about it, you know?”
Slater talked to Esquire.com (from a new phone) about how technology has changed his industry, his guilty pleasure app, and where the world’s best surfer goes for the world’s best waves.
Ok. Do you believe that Kelly Slater went without a phone for a couple weeks sometime in May and probably extending into June? Do you really believe in your heart of hearts that he “unplugged” as it were? Let’s go look at Instagram!
May 2 (a post of Kelly Slater in a pool from old issue of Surfing)
May 13 (a loving post from Kelly to his mother for Mother’s Day)
May 20 (a well composed post of Kelly saluting an airplane at Surf Ranch)
May 22 (a video of Kelly giving away sessions at Surf Ranch)
May 27 (a post featuring Ramon Navarro on a bomb in Fiji)
May 30 (a repost of the AI movie trailer)
June 2 (a video of Italo Ferreira spinning)
June 9 (a post of Kelly’s x-rayed feet)
June 16 (Happy International Surfing day post)
June 17 (Kelly wishes himself a happy Father’s Day)
June 22 (a beautiful sunset post from the North Shore)
Etc.
I ain’t seeing a lot of 2 -3 week gaps here but maybe he was referring to a metaphorical 2 -3 weeks? A gorgeous 2 -3 weeks of the soul (that go for 24 hours or something)?
We could all learn from Kelly, anyhow, especially the Americans here who will likely be amongst family and especially today. Tell everyone you are taking a break from technology while getting much praise then sneak into the bathroom lots to chat with your buddies at BeachGrit.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
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What his is and what he looks like are two different things. I’m sticking with Seth.
Mark Ruffalo’s too Mexican looking, ha.
I always thought Seth McFarland should play Dora. Same build, same looks, razor sharp wit. Perfect.
Can’t say I make a habit out of celebrating men. When I think of those two words, the song “Macho Man” pops into my head along with images of dudes with mustaches, tight jeans and leather caps. Nor do I talk much neg or bitter crap about them either. Can’t really be bothered. Anyway, good on ya. Sounds like you’ve got quite the charmed life
I usually find
Coins Crumbs and Cigarettes when
Searching for myself
Sounds to me like a long-form, roundabout way of admitting that “Yeah I sounded pretty lame just then”. It’s ok, we all do from time to time. Hardly a day passes that I don’t look back embarrassed by at least one cringeworthy thing I said and/or did…
And rightly so
The non-narcissist
Always seems non-accomplished
To the narcissist
His thanksgiving post today was really strange, I think he really tries to be relatable but he comes off like the weirdest fucking guy of all time. But that is the deal, he is not normal. He is Kelly Slater. If he were normal, approachable, genuine, solid, the best surfer, good heart, human & not an alien, he would be……. Mick Fanning.
No, touchy about nothing. A mere observation. Wondering who habitually wishes to emphasise to complete strangers that all their friends are “smokin hot”. Wondered what difference that made in most contexts.
My missus is beyond smoking hot and so are her friends
What can I say,I’m a babe magnet.
Also my young bloke won’t be lacking for attention cause he’s a traffic stopper like his dad.
Why are your friends always “smoking hot”? Do you have a particularly loose conception of attractiveness? Even at that, is there a reason you like to tell us how good looking your friends are?
Because, frankly, I don’t care if it’s Adonis himself. At the end of the day he’s a just a guy wanking in a shower.
Why does no one ever mention Kelly’s conjoined twin, Quackenbush!!!
That photo is finally proof of his existence!!!
Look at his happy little face celebrating some win!!!
There is a narrative of “thank goodness for Kelly” “look at how much he has done for the sport”
I call a bit of bs.
Think of what might have been. The possibilities endless. Monopolies are hardly ever good and I can think of a few guys that I would have liked to see win more or just get a bit more face time
Ugh… so stupid. It’s just all so repetitively lame I can’t figure out how you guys stand it? Are you writing all this mindless dribble from some luxury boat in the Mentawais while you laugh that your way is being paid by some incredibly laughable scam called BeachGrit? That’s about the only explanation I could muster that would justify the fact that human beings calling themselves surfers could willingly participate in this… this… this I don’t know what to call it.
Boredom?
The irony is in your choice of avatar.
well said
It’s called .Not watching pornos
An entire day? Cunt pulled himself off in the shower..and 2hrs come the fuck on if he can make a drain baby in 5 mins you must have a head like a bent cock
must of been during one of his many ayahuasca workshops at the ranch , a two week intensive trip into the outerknown, we all know what its like when your tripping balls, you lose track of time, your keys and you give your wallet and hoody to a homeless man because you thought he looked cold and thirsty, next minute your surfing nude under the moonlight in your own personal wave pool with an iphone stuck up your butt to light your way down the line, i can see what happened now
When you have no friends
Losing phones is a blessing
To a narcissist
I remember when my phone was my push bike.
I’m still waiting for a phone which is completely absent from my life 99.9% of the time, but magically appears in those moments when I really need it.
One word: Personal Assistants.
Personal Assistants is actually several thousand words according to my new WSL calculator.
What many is it in Wave Pool Predictions (WPP) ?
9 foot/ 2 Occys/ 3 cows/ 0.025 Webers, depending on which scale you measure in.
Asking the Flat Earth Society for proof will be the only way to be certain.