#MeToo vs. #TimesUp!

I have been writing about surf for two decades now and today, two decades in, today, I read the funniest thing yet.

Something that has seriously kept tittering all day long. Tittering in the morning while drinking my coffee. Tittering in the afternoon while drinking beer at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Tittering right now in front of my computer and you while drinking Svedka and lemonade.

It is one of those church titters, though, the sort that sprouts out of boredom maybe and shouldn’t be shared, probably shouldn’t be shared, because it is impossible to explain and it loses all charm but I’ve never been one for decorum so here goes!

Yesterday, I read a story on the edgy sport website Deadspin about how the World Surf League CEO Sophie Goldschmidt referred to offering equal pay at the Mavericks event as “an abuse of the #metoo movement” and couldn’t believe she actually said it, especially while her Executive Vice President of Tours and Events Mr. Graham “Taste-my-Palm” Stapelberg was in the room.

I wrote it up, anyhow, casting dubious aspersions, then one of the principals in the room, a brave and gorgeous soul, emailed me:

Yes, that actually happened. After Sophie said it we looked at each other, we were both thinking the same thing, does she mean #timesup?!! I actually think Graham Stapelberg may have coached her to say it. We did not take the bait. We ignored the remark and told her we wanted equal pay.

And I’m dying!

Not dying about the substance, which is serious and real, but dying about Graham Stapelberg, the World Surf League Executive Vice President of Tours and Events, allegedly fucking up #metoo and #timesup then forcing the British ex-professional tennis executive and current World Surf League CEO Sophie Goldschmidt to fuck it up which then carried into the public record via Deadspin.

By way of explanation, #metoo refers to sexual harassment and/or assault. #timesup refers to inequality in the workplace which includes sexual harassment and/or assault but implicitly as it relates to the workplace.

The fact that Graham Stapelberg is weighing in on these matters, though, absolutely kills me. Will he #MetToo Eddie Rothman while trying to deny women equal rights/access/pay at big waves?

Also, how in the world did Sophie not know better? What in the World Surf League was she thinking?

I’m gonna keep hammering on this damned thing and get to the bottom of it all, even if it is just church titters, because…. hahahahahaha!

Staff layoffs? Remodelling of superseded wave tank?

Who would’ve thought that, one day, Bible-raising, silver-crucifix-hanging-on-the-review-mirror-with-machine- guns-in-the-trunk Texas, would be giving surfers honeymoon dick?

Little ol’ BSR Cablepark in Waco stood the world upside down this year when its Hawaiian magician Cheyne Magnusson turned an unremarkable wavepool technology into something capable of creating the world’s best section for airs.

And then came the brain-eaters.

One hundred miles south of Waco is Austin, home to America’s first commercial wavepool, NLand Surf Park, which opened two years ago. Its owner, Doug Coors, paid for the exclusive rights to Wavegarden in Texas, pushing BSR into the arms of American Wave Machines.

And, oowee, how did…that…work out?

Anyway, according to rumours swinging around the Central Texas Surf Club Facebook page, “insiders at both parks” say NLand will be closed for all of 2019, with a new-look opening in 2020.

The money is on this theory: NLand was losing steam to BSR and the investors made the call to invest in new technology, either remodelling the old design into the newer, more American Wave Machine-ish Cove or overhauling the original machine to “make it more compelling.”

I hit up the club to ask ’em if the brain-eaters scared hell out of ’em?

One nice man replied: “We all love BSR. Nothing stopping any of us from surfing it again. Especially knowing how much Stuart (Parsons) is investing in the new filtration. To be honest, he was very on top of ensuring water quality control even before so we never second guessed it. I actually cracked my head during one session so figure if the amoeba didn’t take the invite then it prob won’t ever.

“Seriously though, we’re all transplant surfers from all over the world and we have all come to grips with the fact that we have all surfed, and continue to surf breaks that would never be considered truly clean and safe. I moved here a few years ago and surfed during and after storms in Orange County and always got sick. I have seen some really scary stuff float out of the river jetties…”

Meanwhile, giant plungers are set to take over the world! 

(But not Switzerland. They’re going Wavegarden Cove.)

Oil money hot for Queensland wave tank!

Earlier today, the company Surf Lakes released a presser reporting that following “the success of full-scale prototype testing” licensee enquiries have been “flooding in from around the globe en-masse.”

There are six projects on the boil, says Surf Lakes, despite the breakdown of machinery during the initial testing. Two in the USA (a site in southern California, which is going to be a country-club style joint and Arizona, which is going to be a commercial operation), Sao Paulo in Brazil, somewhere just out of Perth, London and Spain.

All companies are doing their due diligence, says Surf Lakes, with the two American pools “ready to go” and another site “not far off.” Construction will begin in 2019, doors open 2020.

What was interesting when I spoke to Surf Lakes’ media prez Wayne Dart was his offhand remark, “There’s a lot of money in the world, let’s put it that way. We’ve had conversations with billionaires who are ready to drop as many million dollars as they need to into their thing, to create a private theme park almost. That’s from Europe to the US to the Middle East, where one billionaire wants to put it in the ocean where the waves are flat using reclaimed land. Guys that want to have it for themselves and their mates. Which is a pretty cool thing.”

A Surf Lake license costs $A500,000, which buys you exclusive rights spanning an area covering a million people. You want something for, say, Sydney with its five million people? Gonna cost $2.5 million if you want to shut the door on other Surf Lake biz’s.

Build cost? Surf Lakes says the ball-park figure is $20 million. That’ll buy you the giant plunger and a concrete lake. Land, cute cabanas and yoga teepees, whatever, is up to you to find and buy.

And a warranty?

Readers will remember the giant plunger buckled during its great reveal while operating at only fifty percent capacity. Surf Lakes says the failure was a manufacturing fault, say a new part is being built and that the Yeppoon prototype will be operational by the end of January 2019.

And, yes, a warranty card comes with your $20 million pool.

“There’s a variety of warranties, it’s a pretty big document,” says Dart.

As for the promised “eight-foot” waves, Dart says, from a surfer’s perspective it’ll be “a solid four foot.”

“The promise is have Occy standing tall in a barrel,” he says. “That’s what we promised at the launch and that’s what we have to deliver.”