Cheyne Magnusson, handful of ass. | Photo: MTV

How to: Love a Red-Haired Surfer!

7 years ago

It ain't easy, I know!

You believe in god? Oh really.

Can you explain: cancer in children, archaeological evidence of dinosaurs millions of years prior to the fabled garden of eden and the Orient not being privy to the revelations of the monotheistic religions until the nineteenth century therefore condemning millions of Asians to a fiery hell?

And… red-heads. Tell me a benevolent god would deliberately curse but one of his children with a ginger crown? That said, gal reds are gorgeous.

“Red-headed women buck like goats,” said James Joyce, and this I can vouch for.

But, men?

It’s interesting to note that there has only ever been two professional surfers with red hair and even more interesting is the fact both come from Maui. There is Dusty Payne (who, again, interestingly, claims to have “auburn” hair) and Cheyne Magnusson, the one-time star of the 2007 MTV reality show Maui Fever.

I loved Maui Fever (even if I got it confused with Living Lahaina). Cheyne, who is now thirty three years old and married and living in Oceanside, was the star of the short-lived series. It may be hard to believe, but, often, Cheyne had to contend with myriad women fighting to have their wombs scraped by his crooked sword.

Cursed by god, but succeeding beyond all measure, how could anyone not admire Mr Magnusson. Plus, he ripped. Anyway, yesterday, totally out of the wild, Cheyne sent me a very kind email. It read:

Just wanna say first and foremost I’m a big fan of your blog. Its my favorite one to look at because you guys tell it like it is. Big fan. Anyways, thanks for pushing that Clay baja edit a couple weeks ago I was super stoked you guys picked it up. I have been trying to help him out and get another large scale film project going with him and the brand JSLV. They are rad, trying to make a push in surf but keep it core and take care of their athletes. Anyways I got some residual clips while chaperoning Clay around and they were cool enough to produce an edit for me. Just passing it your way to see if you guys have any interest in putting it out there. Keep fighting the good fight for the industry. Loving all the articles. Also, you are spot on about the inertia.

I replied that I loved Living Lahaina and said I would run his little short.

Cheyne wrote back:

Oh my god. It was maui fever goddamit!!! HAHAHAHA. Now i like you guys even more. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I wrote: I sat by my television for years waiting for a new season!

Cheyne wrote: I layed in the fetal position for years hoping people would forget about it! 😜😜😜

I asked: Whatever happened to that super cute gal you used to nail on Living Lahaina?

Cheyne wrote: Well for one it was called maui fever. The other one that was called living lahaina was a bunch of surf instructors that weren’t from maui. I’d actually like to publicly apologize to anyone who had the unpleasant experience of watching it. The blondes name was Anna. She moved to Hollywood after the show and there was a rumor flying around that she dated marilyn manson. Not sure if thats true. She still lives in LA. Randomly, I am actually engaged and having a kid with a girl that she met when she moved here. Completely coincidental. Small fuckin world. I actually hate that chapter of my life but hey, it made me a stronger, smarter ginger on the back end.

Finally I asked Cheyne two things:

Has being red been an impediment in your life and how can a red find love and sex?

Cheyne wrote:

Yes, it has impeded my ability to blend in anywhere in the world except for the country of Ireland. Also, since being red makes me a ginger, I have no soul, which means I shouldn’t be trusted so that sucks. That being said, I quote the great eric cartman who stated “better red than dead.”

That’s easy, first, impress them with your shredding skills on the board. Next, dazzle them with some tequila shots and a freaky dance move like the worm. Third, bust out the burning bush, chicks dig red pubes. You heard it here first, and probably last. But remember, I shouldn’t be trusted so thats actually a load of crap and I just got extremely lucky and I think my chick has terrible eyesight! Good luck out there fellow rangas.

Don’t you love a story of a man triumphing against the odds? Watch his nice movie here.

Loading comments...

Maybe ice that French for a lil while…

Advice: Sell GoPro Stock, like, now!

By Rory Parker

7 years ago

Rumours say the future outlook is grim. Massive layoffs coming this week!

A little birdie visited me yesterday. Landed right on my outstretched finger, sang me a beautiful song.

“Dump your GoPro stock,” it chirped. “Future outlook is grim. Massive layoffs coming this week. Marketing, events, and sales teams are getting cut to the bone.”

“How can you know this?” I asked the bird. “I can’t believe they’d invite you to meetings.”

“I’m a magic talking bird,” it replied. “I’ve got connections, bitch.”

It’s hardly news that GoPro has struggled to maintain their once bright prospects. Declining sales, increased competition. Nick Woodman made out like a bandit. Everyone else… not so much.

Since October, GoPro’s share price has almost halved, down from seventeen dollars to under ten.

The company attempted to revitalize flagging numbers with the introduction of its Karma drone, only to find themselves forced to issue a massive recall due to their tendency to lose power mid-flight.

At $800, without camera or accessories, that’s a bit of a problem. In addition to issuing full refunds to the 2500 people who have purchased a Karma, the company is offering a brand new GoPro Hero5.

And, says the birdie, a new camera due to land before Christmas was pulled by the CEO because he didn’t like the font.

Yanking your newest product from the shelves, and icing another, during the holiday season ain’t good for the bottom line. I think. I mean, I’m not a businessman or anything, but it’s probably safe to assume.

I actually wish I had a way to shoot them out of the sky whenever I find one hovering over the lineup and fucking with my good vibe. But I’ve often thought it would be very fun to lurk at one of Kauai’s many gorgeous scenic points and use my cheap drone to knock the expensive ones piloted by inconsiderate tourists from the sky. Fifty bucks is the price point I’m willing to pay for that.

Flying weed whacker aficionados will no doubt hasten to attach their new Hero5 to a competitor’s models. You can grab a cheap one at Costco for only $99. Which means it’s probably a piece of shit, but it’s a relatively inexpensive piece of shit.

Almost inexpensive enough to get me to buy one. I’ve got no real interest in filming aerial footage, actually wish I had a way to shoot them out of the sky whenever I find one hovering over the lineup and fucking with my good vibe. But I’ve often thought it would be very fun to lurk at one of Kauai’s many gorgeous scenic points and use my cheap drone to knock the expensive ones piloted by inconsiderate tourists from the sky. Fifty bucks is the price point I’m willing to pay for that.

“Is there anything else you can tell me?” I asked the little bird.

“Yes! Woodman’s new forty million dollar, 180-foot yacht has a sex dungeon below decks.”

“Is that true? Do you have any evidence?”

“No. I just like it when people pay attention to me. Sorry.”

“Well, you know, that kind of calls into question everything else you’ve told me.”

“I know. I’m sorry. The layoffs stuff is true, I swear.”

“Okay, bird. I believe you. Got any other hot stock tips for me?”

“Nope. I’ve pulled all my money from the market and put it into bitcoin mining. It’s the currency of the future!”

Loading comments...

In Defense: Of the wonderful fat years!

By Chas Smith

7 years ago

Do obesity and creativity flow through the same channel? Maybe yes!

Picasso had a blue period, Alexander McQueen had a celtic period, Steve Jobs had a NeXT period.

Mark “Occy” Occhilupo had/has a fat period.

In a wide (j/k) ranging interview on Surfline yesterday the surf legend discussed turning 50, his podcast and turning 50. He mentions having been hurt, getting depressed and being fat but then dusting himself off and achieving fitness once again. The title of the piece was even:

Occy on Getting Fat, Old, Depressed… And Overcoming It All

…and was supposed to include a slideshow of “Occy through the years.” Except the only pictures were of lean Occy. Lean Occy carving, lean Occy slashing, lean Occy shredding.

It was as if Surfline was embarrassed by chubby Occy except to call him such in the title. But why? For what reason?

Oh I must admit to being jealous of men who can dance into the obese. There is something compelling about an artist blowing out his seams quite literally. Let us take Elvis Aaron Presley, for example. Sure skinny Elvis was one of the dreamiest men to ever walk the earth but fat Elvis was a vision. He’s got me caught in a trap and I can’t walk out!

Let us take Val Kilmer. Sure Iceman made the heart flutter but doesn’t portly Val waiting for his pizza just make you want to take him home and pinch his cheeks?

Let us take fat Bill Clinton. Wink, wink! Hubba hubba!

And let us take fat Occy. It is ok Surfline to show pictures of Occy doin’ it right. Don’t be ashamed! Don’t be embarrassed! Let your freak flag fly!

Loading comments...

Watch: The Story of Ricardo dos Santos!

By Chas Smith

7 years ago

A story that actually means something. That matters.

Ricardo dos Santos challenged our status quo from the moment he first busted onto the scene. His death, shot down by an off-duty police officer in his home country of Brazil, shook us it to our very core. Gun violence was not something typical in surf. Is not something typical.

I remember first hearing about the shooting. It all felt very surreal and even more so that a young up-and-comer could die. Actually die. And when he did die it felt awful. Unnecessary.

I so applaud director Beren Hall and Stab for telling this story, for trying to pull it back into the light. It actually feels like it matters. Like it means something.

Loading comments...

All of Chapter 11 felt right. Funny when it mattered, serious when it mattered, sick as fuck through and through. | Photo: Morgan Maassen

Opinion: Chapter 11 Fucked Everything!

By Adam Jara

7 years ago

Nails surf zeitgeist against the wall. Funny when it mattered, serious when it mattered…

You’ve grown up with Dane. You saw him become everyone’s favourite surfer, the lord of the coveted web clip. And after all these years, you kind of know Dane better then most.

Or at least you thought you did. Chapter 11 fucked all that up.

Pre-Chap 11 even the most seasoned “hip” surf fan had begun to cynically roll their eyes at a VHS handicam B-roll filled air-fest or a two-minute edit every week or directing a film about a fellow Quiksilver team rider.

Then the wave of opinions, comments, tags, articles, covers, ads, “exclusive” interviews, all of it. Endless content. Dane was, is, the man to know. Do try to keep up on his edits, see what he’s got to say on something, oh sick a new board. If you are out of the loop, you don’t know what you’re missing!

Quiksilver actually employed me for a brief time. Shop #82 in La Jolla. I sat at the bottom of the corporate trough of a publicly traded powerhouse surf brand with decades worth of experience, integrity, grit and money. I joined the team on the forefront of selling the Quiksilver “vibe” to whomever came in.

Guess who drops off the big team right when I join? Kelly. Bye dude!

Time to take off all the ads of Kelly in the store, make sure a new video advert for the flat screen TV’s has no bald glory flying out of a tube. So who’s left? OH YEAH! Dane and that kink-legged saint Craig! Oh the marketing team has it all! Two phenomenal surfers that fly the “fuck contests” flag with pride and… oh no money?

Shit, this is awkward.

I often felt that yes, while Quiksilver represented Dane fairly, funded the trips, etc, it didn’t feel right. The banner ads were apathetic. The vibe was too cool for school but cool enough for every Macy’s, Tillys and surf shops from San Diego to Maine. Such is life in the corporate surf world.

Dane’s best anything seemed so far from a marketing department. He’d drop off the radar. I’d see the same clips over and over again. Then Sampler dropped and my faith was restored.

This cycle continued until the Quiksilver corporate empire filed for bankruptcy. I wondered: what will become of my two favorite free surfers? Will Craig and Dane save them? Will they get even more creative control?

Nope. Peace. Bye. Oaktree Capital? No thanks.

Then I left too. And life went on.

Dane’s departure from the Mountain and the Wave became an afterthought. He had a kid so, of course, no clips are gonna drop. Being a father takes precedent to cranking out content for the masses. Vans sat back happily in the industry, took an effective, but admittedly easy route and put Dane and @pamlovesferrariboiz in Sk8 Hi’s and pasted it with a monster rail gouge at Rocky Point from last winter as a friendly reminder that Dane was indeed alive and well post-Quiksilver break-up. Win win for everyone. Silence resumes.

All of the craptastic fuckery of 2016 takes over the airwaves. Election this, email leak that. I want something to love! I beg for clarity in this insane world! Is it too much to ask?

Chapter 11 was the dose of clarity the whole surf industry needed. Dane set it straight. With 37 minutes of film Dane has calmed the cynical doubters, commenters, fans who thought they’d lost their black sheep. Don’t worry pant cuffing pouty surfers! Father Dane has spoken the good word.

After two weeks of amazing swell in California, capped off by rain today, a fresh edit of Dane being Dane in the best fashion is just what we needed! Those airs! Those turns! Whipping the slate, or in this case nose of a CI board, clean of corpo branding. Back to the roots of good surf films. Candid but not too much, a soundtrack that demands repeated plays and having fun on a boat trip with friends. Paired with effortless beautiful, raw, captivating film making, AND OH THAT PUNK ROCK SECTION! FUCK YEAH I WANT MORE MORE MORE MORE! Sorry that was excessive but in the moment it feels right.

All of Chapter 11 felt right. Funny when it mattered, serious when it mattered, sick as fuck through and through. Dane, you gave us hope. Oh and throwing in the punk laden ad for your new brand that I will buy because, well I want to, that was a good move. No need for a conference room meeting to okay that brilliant idea.

So thank you forever Dane. Welcome Former. All is well.

Chapter 11 from Marine Layer on Vimeo.

Loading comments...

Eat beach grit spam!