Rumours say the future outlook is grim. Massive layoffs coming this week!
A little birdie visited me yesterday. Landed right on my outstretched finger, sang me a beautiful song.
“Dump your GoPro stock,” it chirped. “Future outlook is grim. Massive layoffs coming this week. Marketing, events, and sales teams are getting cut to the bone.”
“How can you know this?” I asked the bird. “I can’t believe they’d invite you to meetings.”
“I’m a magic talking bird,” it replied. “I’ve got connections, bitch.”
It’s hardly news that GoPro has struggled to maintain their once bright prospects. Declining sales, increased competition. Nick Woodman made out like a bandit. Everyone else… not so much.
Since October, GoPro’s share price has almost halved, down from seventeen dollars to under ten.
The company attempted to revitalize flagging numbers with the introduction of its Karma drone, only to find themselves forced to issue a massive recall due to their tendency to lose power mid-flight.
At $800, without camera or accessories, that’s a bit of a problem. In addition to issuing full refunds to the 2500 people who have purchased a Karma, the company is offering a brand new GoPro Hero5.
And, says the birdie, a new camera due to land before Christmas was pulled by the CEO because he didn’t like the font.
Yanking your newest product from the shelves, and icing another, during the holiday season ain’t good for the bottom line. I think. I mean, I’m not a businessman or anything, but it’s probably safe to assume.
I actually wish I had a way to shoot them out of the sky whenever I find one hovering over the lineup and fucking with my good vibe. But I’ve often thought it would be very fun to lurk at one of Kauai’s many gorgeous scenic points and use my cheap drone to knock the expensive ones piloted by inconsiderate tourists from the sky. Fifty bucks is the price point I’m willing to pay for that.
Flying weed whacker aficionados will no doubt hasten to attach their new Hero5 to a competitor’s models. You can grab a cheap one at Costco for only $99. Which means it’s probably a piece of shit, but it’s a relatively inexpensive piece of shit.
Almost inexpensive enough to get me to buy one. I’ve got no real interest in filming aerial footage, actually wish I had a way to shoot them out of the sky whenever I find one hovering over the lineup and fucking with my good vibe. But I’ve often thought it would be very fun to lurk at one of Kauai’s many gorgeous scenic points and use my cheap drone to knock the expensive ones piloted by inconsiderate tourists from the sky. Fifty bucks is the price point I’m willing to pay for that.
“Is there anything else you can tell me?” I asked the little bird.
“Yes! Woodman’s new forty million dollar, 180-foot yacht has a sex dungeon below decks.”
“Is that true? Do you have any evidence?”
“No. I just like it when people pay attention to me. Sorry.”
“Well, you know, that kind of calls into question everything else you’ve told me.”
“I know. I’m sorry. The layoffs stuff is true, I swear.”
“Okay, bird. I believe you. Got any other hot stock tips for me?”
“Nope. I’ve pulled all my money from the market and put it into bitcoin mining. It’s the currency of the future!”
Is it…is it POSSIBLE that people have grown sick of amassing footage of themselves failing to surf or really do anything very well?
Like you can only watch pov footage of yet another 20 second barrel at Skeleton Bay for so long, before it dawns on you that your four hours of SUP floundering at Collaroy isn’t really matching up.
People finally took a good hard look at themselves…..
https://www.bloomberg.com/n…
I could do that with a potato gun.
was it a narcissistic seagull ? plenty of them at the beach.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
What is to become of all those mouth mounts? I mean Mr. Parker’s mouth isn’t large enough to consume them all. Maybe Paul “mouthpiece” Speaker will lease some space behind his tonsils. Ask Chas though, his weiner is the current leasee, but it’s only taking up a small portion.
GoPro is gonna fall faster than their piece of shit drones fell out of the sky. They were hosed as soon as the Mavic came out, even if they could fly
drones have exactly the same problem GoPro has, no one wants to see this footage, not even your social media followers. i see GoPro mounts on virtually all kooks’ boards, but even they know the video of them wiggling down the line on a mushy two footer is getting no likes.
Surely there is some fucked up go pro footage of the sex dungeon – even better if he was flying a drone in said dungeon filming
local sex shop has the new cock mount accessory
redbull/coke bought them like 6months ago right? Damn
duh!
working with those little fuckers with an impatient 1st AD breathing down your neck telling you there is 15 minutes of daylight left as you clumsily fumble the awkward buttons and user interface is not an experience im going to miss.