Rumours say the future outlook is grim. Massive layoffs coming this week!
A little birdie visited me yesterday. Landed right on my outstretched finger, sang me a beautiful song.
“Dump your GoPro stock,” it chirped. “Future outlook is grim. Massive layoffs coming this week. Marketing, events, and sales teams are getting cut to the bone.”
“How can you know this?” I asked the bird. “I can’t believe they’d invite you to meetings.”
“I’m a magic talking bird,” it replied. “I’ve got connections, bitch.”
It’s hardly news that GoPro has struggled to maintain their once bright prospects. Declining sales, increased competition. Nick Woodman made out like a bandit. Everyone else… not so much.
Since October, GoPro’s share price has almost halved, down from seventeen dollars to under ten.
The company attempted to revitalize flagging numbers with the introduction of its Karma drone, only to find themselves forced to issue a massive recall due to their tendency to lose power mid-flight.
At $800, without camera or accessories, that’s a bit of a problem. In addition to issuing full refunds to the 2500 people who have purchased a Karma, the company is offering a brand new GoPro Hero5.
And, says the birdie, a new camera due to land before Christmas was pulled by the CEO because he didn’t like the font.
Yanking your newest product from the shelves, and icing another, during the holiday season ain’t good for the bottom line. I think. I mean, I’m not a businessman or anything, but it’s probably safe to assume.
I actually wish I had a way to shoot them out of the sky whenever I find one hovering over the lineup and fucking with my good vibe. But I’ve often thought it would be very fun to lurk at one of Kauai’s many gorgeous scenic points and use my cheap drone to knock the expensive ones piloted by inconsiderate tourists from the sky. Fifty bucks is the price point I’m willing to pay for that.
Flying weed whacker aficionados will no doubt hasten to attach their new Hero5 to a competitor’s models. You can grab a cheap one at Costco for only $99. Which means it’s probably a piece of shit, but it’s a relatively inexpensive piece of shit.
Almost inexpensive enough to get me to buy one. I’ve got no real interest in filming aerial footage, actually wish I had a way to shoot them out of the sky whenever I find one hovering over the lineup and fucking with my good vibe. But I’ve often thought it would be very fun to lurk at one of Kauai’s many gorgeous scenic points and use my cheap drone to knock the expensive ones piloted by inconsiderate tourists from the sky. Fifty bucks is the price point I’m willing to pay for that.
“Is there anything else you can tell me?” I asked the little bird.
“Yes! Woodman’s new forty million dollar, 180-foot yacht has a sex dungeon below decks.”
“Is that true? Do you have any evidence?”
“No. I just like it when people pay attention to me. Sorry.”
“Well, you know, that kind of calls into question everything else you’ve told me.”
“I know. I’m sorry. The layoffs stuff is true, I swear.”
“Okay, bird. I believe you. Got any other hot stock tips for me?”
“Nope. I’ve pulled all my money from the market and put it into bitcoin mining. It’s the currency of the future!”
