I began professional surfing’s opening day all
grumpy, scribbling a quick
laugh at Florida’s Space Coast for spending $422,000
on a lightly attended WQS contest and then drove to San Clemente to
sit at the Surfing Heritage and Cultural Center’s handsome
conference table across from David Lee Scales.
He has been in Australia for nearly a month and I’ve missed our
chats. I’ve missed popping off half-cocked and grumpy about this or
that.
And there I was, popping off half-cocked, when in waltzed the
iconic Steve Pezman, big and tall.
Now, if you don’t know Steve Pezman than I insist you subscribe
to the Encyclopedia of Surfing where the august Matt Warshaw will
teach you that Steve published Surfer before co-founding The
Surfer’s Journal alongside his wife Debbee.
It was such great fortune and David Lee and I demanded that he
sit down and play. A rare joyous drop in.
What did Steve say?
Oh.
Only words that completely restored my faith in surfing’s
beating heart. Only words that chased my grumpy and replaced it
with a profound sense of awe.
Want some too? Here you go!
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My source, a long-term worker in the surfboard industry
who has a tendency to fish too light on the beaches when sharks and
jewfish come in after floods, reported a local lass getting dropped
in on by a French longboarding gal. It is reported a
dunking/holddown ensued. Blows were exchanged.The skirmish moved to
the beach where several more females became involved.
Drop-in followed by dunking then all-girl beach
fight!
I’m no moral philosopher but on reflection I lean on the
side of localism. Education and deterrence, not violence
of course.
Not kiddies getting slapped or gals getting dunked.
As my friend, the dearly departed David “Baddy” Treloar would
say “learn respect to earn respect.”
“No-one owns the ocean,” says the VAL as rebuttal.
Well, of course they do.
Countries have exclusive economic and territorial zones
extending out from their shores. Pacific countries claim “reef
rights” and ownership of inshore assets including surf breaks.
The mighty US Pacific Fleet under Chester Nimitz laid down the
“most stunning and decisive blow in the history of naval warfare”
against the Japanese fleet under Admiral Yamamoto Isoroku at the
Battle of Midway, effectively owning the Pacific Ocean for the next
50 years and allowing a pissant nation like Australia to develop a
surfing culture on the back of it.
Long bow, but true.
The stability of localism works, by and large. When stability
breaks down chaos ensues.
Despite the image of country soul that the town still trades on
a quiet war is being waged periodically around the perimeter of
Byron Bay – not in the Bay itself – that has been
overrun.It is the most chaotic
collection of surf breaks on the planet.
Another skirmish has broken out, this time jumping the gender
gap, at Broken Head. My source, a long-term worker in the surfboard
industry who has a tendency to fish too light on the beaches when
sharks and jewfish come in after floods, reported a local lass
getting dropped in on by a French longboarding gal. It is reported
a dunking/holddown ensued. Blows were exchanged.The skirmish moved
to the beach where several more females became involved.
The vibe has changed amongst the local surfing community
following an epicly bad six months of surf and a major shift in the
surf demographic. Estimates of around 500’000 overseas students in
Australia. 499 000 of them now live between Suffolk Park and
Burleigh. Safety in numbers seems to be the motto.
Chaos is in their self interest. Failing the emergence of a kind
of local wolfpak or another global financial crisis the
Bondi-fication of the area will be complete by 2020.
I spent the day calling Byron Bay cop shop.
I can say there are two Keoghs there. A Detective Sergeant and
an Inspector. Both very friendly. Inspector Keogh kindly fetched
the file for me and confirmed the incident had occurred, was under
investigation and witnesses were being sought. No charges had been
laid and he declined to name the names of the alleged perp or
victim.
If you feel like snitching ask for the Inspector. I got a
feeling this won’t be the last surf rage case he’ll be fielding
this year.
How’s localism in California going these days?
Is the war over?
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Florida officials declare: “Tax spending on
surfing event has gotten out of hand!”
"It's just unbelievable that that much was spent on
something very few people attended — and it has to stop."
Today is professional surfing’s official
opening day and can’t you just feel the crackle of excitement?
Can’t you just smell the surf-starved masses breath? A mix of nail
polish and rotten fruit? The people have been deprived of their
surfing for too long but today, finally, it ends.
Oh our diet is an expensive one though. The World Surf League
pours our millions of dollars so we can dine like mad fools and
local municipalities empty their coffers too because surf is great
and surf is good. It brings masses of tourists and if you throw a
surf contest they will come and etc.
Right?
Well, it appears that Florida’s Space Coast tourist department,
home to the Florida Pro, spent lots more on that Florida Pro than
city councillors and elected officials were comfortable with. Let’s
read their gripes. Let’s catch the
argument full swing.
New financial documents show that the Space Coast Office of
Tourism spent more than $400,000 of tax money on a surf competition
at Sebastian Inlet State Park, far more than previously
cited.
Largely because of that, the office’s new executive
director, Peter Cranis, said he will recommend that the agency no
longer directly oversee events such as the Florida Pro Surf
competition and a companion music festival.
“I don’t believe we should be in the business of producing
events,” Cranis said.
Cranis said the office’s marketing director, who oversaw the
events, is resigning to pursue other interests.
Cranis joined the Office of Tourism staff on March 4, and
was not at the agency when the spending took place.
The $422,000 far exceeds what the office previously said was
spent on the surf competition:
• On Feb. 27, Office of Tourism Marketing Director Tiffany
Minton told members of the advisory Tourist Development Council
that the agency spent about $280,000 for event costs and
marketing.
• On March 5, she sent a follow-up email to Tourist
Development Council Chairman Tim Deratany, indicating that $259,557
was spent on event support and marketing for the two events, plus
approximately $75,000 for production of video and other materials
related to the event. That total equals $334,557.
• On Friday — a day after FLORIDA TODAY made an additional
inquiry to Minton about the spending — Cranis provided a
spreadsheet indicating that $421,991 was allocated to the account
tied to the Florida Pro event.
Both Cranis and Tourist Development Council Chairman Tim
Deratany on Monday said they were concerned about the amount the
Office of Tourism spent on the event.
“It’s just unbelievable that that much was spent on
something very few people attended — and it has to stop,” Deratany
said. “It’s very, very frustrating to me to have something like
that happening.”
Jerks. $422,000 ain’t nothing when it comes to producing surf
contests. Live a little! Those old folks who mostly populate
Florida’s Space Coast won’t even know its gone!
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Considering that surfing itself is now
officially considered therapy for a whole range of ailments, why
not bring the full weight of Mick Fannings star power and his soft
board empire to bear on the Opioid Crisis afflicting America? You
show up at the Doc with pain or as a registered addict and instead
of a new script for Oxy's or endone patches you get a MF softy.
Steve Sherman/@therms
Longtom: “Mick Fanning’s Cure for USA’s
Opioid Crisis!”
And other uses for three-time champ's foam
surfboards…
One: what is this softboard revolution all
about?
Wavestorms* are taking over California and Hawaii while the
hippest craft in the hippest town in the world** is a soft-topped
board imported straight from China and ridden side-saddle without
fins.
Ironic generic?
And two: Is there anything sadder – sadder than Bukowski’s
beer-drunk soul contemplating all the dead Christmas trees of the
world – than the sight of Daddy rolling down the beach with rug
rats in tow fulfilling his family obligations on a Saturday or
Sunday morning?
Softboards are taking over the world. Fact.
The family man, or woman, when caught in the death-spiral of
diminishing returns from trying to ride high-performance crafts
should consider.
That is not a cash for comment, comment.
It’s the conclusion reached by me and pals after a year of
ownership of a Micky Fanning softboard. No
word association game with Mick Fanning will produce anything
synonymous with hip or hipster but the Tugun retiree now counts
himself a stakeholder in both craft beer and softies.
I have no love for Balter, tastes like formaldehyde but you
could bottle pure cats pee and stick a nice label on it and sell
beer.
Like softboards, it’s a bull market.
I got the 6’0”
Beastie. Basically, a double-ended piece of foam and
plastic, as a “do no harm” tool for ultra-crowded point surf and a
craft that kiddies could ride. A communal object.
I have to say it surprised me.
The Foamies I rode growing up were covered in an evil blue
fabric that ripped the skin off your tits and left permanent
scarring. They were made according to the dictum that floppiness is
next to godliness. The MF is stiff.
The supplied fins are soft and rubbery. After one surf I left
them in. They let the board drift all over the place. The reaction
time is slow and spongey, a kind of half drunk feeling, things take
a while to happen.
Affect is removed from causation.
The Foamies I rode growing up were covered in an evil blue
fabric that ripped the skin off your tits and left permanent
scarring. They were made according to the dictum that floppiness is
next to godliness. The MF is stiff.
Which means you can surf it. Even shred if that is your
thing.
I found other uses for mine.
A healing crutch for curing Indo-itis. Everyone gets it
when they travel and score good waves then come home and don’t feel
like surfing in sub-par waves. The MF was a reliable partner for a
zipperless quicky at a sloppy beachbreak or a high-tide rock break
at the local Point that no-one else could be bothered with.
As a palate cleanser in between quiver changes. I have
lots of boards and like to cycle through big changes in quiver. Up,
down, sideways. A little session on the MF would require no great
neural commitment and provide an easy reset for the next board
choice.
As a cost free do-no-harm-ridden-leashless board at the
Pass. If you don’t surf the Pass – one of the Globes most
desirable little warm water peel-offs- then you will have no idea
of the fluid, pan-sexual chaos. A female lawyer pal is one of the
fiercest leash-free longboard advocates. With a soft board you can
butt rails, ride together without malice or resentment, knock the
head of your own or someone else’s rugrat without fear of injury or
litigation. It is a bumpy but highly enjoyable ride.
Stoke out a kid. Usually someone else’s. It’s such a
stable platform any Fortnite-addicted
kiddie can get up and riding and give Mammy and Pappy
a thrill. In a weird reversal of attitude that now makes parents
nod and cluck approvingly.
Injury/anti-depressive rehab. This can be mortal,
physical injury, as in the case of Mark Matthews. A psychological
injury, as in a severe case of post-Mentawaii depression (Me). Even
rehab for bizarre conditions like Tyler Wright’s post-viral
syndrome injury or her brother’s brain injury rehab. Works for all
of them.
Considering that surfing itself is now officially considered
therapy for a whole range of ailments, why not bring the full
weight of Mick Fanning’s star power and his soft board empire to
bear on the Opioid Crisis afflicting America?
On that note.
I see a much larger opportunity for Saint Mick, who we know
likes to help people out.This will sound strange but hear me out.
After realising that these soft boards can be ridden by just about
anyone in all mental and physical conditions, and considering that
surfing itself is now officially considered therapy for a whole
range of ailments, why not bring the full weight of Mick Fanning’s
star power and his soft board empire to bear on the Opioid Crisis
afflicting America?
You show up at the Doc with pain or as a registered addict and
instead of a new script for Oxys or endone patches you get a MF
softy.
I know that sounds ludicrous but wavepools full of tech
billionaires and F1 racers was just as bizarre scant years ago.
This is a chance for Fanning to finally and fully differentiate
himself from Kelly and complete the beatification. Maybe a Nobel
peace prize could be in the offing if he solves the Opioid
Crisis.
I hear people bitching and moaning all the time about the
challenge of wresting an hour or two out of the strangulating grip
of urban, adult responsibility.
Get real.
Just put a softy in the car and leave it there. Give up
everything about the surfboard except its pure utilitarian value.
Unless you live somewhere where the soft board is now a device of
cool.
Watch how my pal, local chalkie Sunny Russel does it. Skips out
of school at 3.30 after teaching maths all day. Home, grabs the
kid(s), Mammy gets stoked on some free time. Kids build sandcastles
and Pappy shreds a half dozen before they all go home happy and
play Happy Families.
It can work.
Conclusion: The beer sucks but the boards are great.
* I say Ryan Burch is the primary cause.
**Byron Bay.
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Binge-mocking: BeachGrit has been a
five-year long April Fool’s joke directed at WSL!
Today is April Fool’s. The day that we all tell
each other little white lies about this or that in order to bring
many laughs. The day surf media tells the world that Dane Reynolds
is releasing a whole ton of new clips, the upcoming Snapper event
will be moved to D’bah or that Rip Curl sells a “superior surf
short.”
Well, Derek Rielly and I dreamed up the greatest surf media
April Fool’s joke ever five short years ago. There we sat around my
zinc kitchen island, slightly pocked due to the salty air, and
wondered, “What would be the surf media April Fool’s shenanigan to
end all surf media April Fool’s shenanigans?”
Derek said two words. “Beach Grit.”
“What’s a Beach Grit?” I asked.
Derek’s eyes lit up. “We are going to create a surf website…”
And I started laughing so hard that he had to wait for thirty whole
minutes before adding…
“… and we’ll cover professional surfing…”
By this time we were both the floor clutching our stomachs. It
took another whole thirty before he finished, “But we can’t tell
the Association of Surfing Professionals for five years.”
Well, the Association of Surfing Professionals transitioned to
the World Surf League but Derek and I kept the joke to ourselves,
as difficult as it was so many times.
But today is finally the reveal.
Imagine the guffaws in both Santa Monica’s low bungalow and also
its secret high castle. Imagine the full-bellied laughs, Erik “Elo”
Logan and Dirk Ziff hugging with tears streaming down their
cheeks.
Dave Prodan, head back, choking on giggles, barely able to
utter, “I’ve been involved in surf media for 20 years and never
thought I’d see the day when one of their damned April Fool’s jokes
actually worked. Bravo!”
