Longtom: “Mick Fanning’s Cure for USA’s Opioid Crisis!”

And other uses for three-time champ's foam surfboards… 

One: what is this softboard revolution all about?

Wavestorms* are taking over California and Hawaii while the hippest craft in the hippest town in the world** is a soft-topped board imported straight from China and ridden side-saddle without fins.

Ironic generic?

And two: Is there anything sadder – sadder than Bukowski’s beer-drunk soul contemplating all the dead Christmas trees of the world – than the sight of Daddy rolling down the beach with rug rats in tow fulfilling his family obligations on a Saturday or Sunday morning?

Softboards are taking over the world. Fact.

The family man, or woman, when caught in the death-spiral of diminishing returns from trying to ride high-performance crafts should consider.

That is not a cash for comment, comment.

It’s the conclusion reached by me and pals after a year of ownership of a Micky Fanning softboard. No word association game with Mick Fanning will produce anything synonymous with hip or hipster but the Tugun retiree now counts himself a stakeholder in both craft beer and softies.

I have no love for Balter, tastes like formaldehyde but you could bottle pure cats pee and stick a nice label on it and sell beer.

Like softboards, it’s a bull market.

I got the 6’0” Beastie. Basically, a double-ended piece of foam and plastic, as a “do no harm” tool for ultra-crowded point surf and a craft that kiddies could ride. A communal object.

I have to say it surprised me.

The Foamies I rode growing up were covered in an evil blue fabric that ripped the skin off your tits and left permanent scarring. They were made according to the dictum that floppiness is next to godliness. The MF is stiff.

The supplied fins are soft and rubbery. After one surf I left them in. They let the board drift all over the place. The reaction time is slow and spongey, a kind of half drunk feeling, things take a while to happen.

Affect is removed from causation.

The Foamies I rode growing up were covered in an evil blue fabric that ripped the skin off your tits and left permanent scarring. They were made according to the dictum that floppiness is next to godliness. The MF is stiff.

Which means you can surf it. Even shred if that is your thing.

I found other uses for mine.

A healing crutch for curing Indo-itis. Everyone gets it when they travel and score good waves then come home and don’t feel like surfing in sub-par waves. The MF was a reliable partner for a zipperless quicky at a sloppy beachbreak or a high-tide rock break at the local Point that no-one else could be bothered with.

As a palate cleanser in between quiver changes. I have lots of boards and like to cycle through big changes in quiver. Up, down, sideways. A little session on the MF would require no great neural commitment and provide an easy reset for the next board choice.

As a cost free do-no-harm-ridden-leashless board at the Pass. If you don’t surf the Pass – one of the Globes most desirable little warm water peel-offs- then you will have no idea of the fluid, pan-sexual chaos. A female lawyer pal is one of the fiercest leash-free longboard advocates. With a soft board you can butt rails, ride together without malice or resentment, knock the head of your own or someone else’s rugrat without fear of injury or litigation. It is a bumpy but highly enjoyable ride.

Stoke out a kid. Usually someone else’s. It’s such a stable platform any Fortnite-addicted kiddie can get up and riding and give Mammy and Pappy a thrill. In a weird reversal of attitude that now makes parents nod and cluck approvingly.

Injury/anti-depressive rehab. This can be mortal, physical injury, as in the case of Mark Matthews. A psychological injury, as in a severe case of post-Mentawaii depression (Me). Even rehab for bizarre conditions like Tyler Wright’s post-viral syndrome injury or her brother’s brain injury rehab. Works for all of them.

Considering that surfing itself is now officially considered therapy for a whole range of ailments, why not bring the full weight of Mick Fanning’s star power and his soft board empire to bear on the Opioid Crisis afflicting America?

On that note.

I see a much larger opportunity for Saint Mick, who we know likes to help people out.This will sound strange but hear me out. After realising that these soft boards can be ridden by just about anyone in all mental and physical conditions, and considering that surfing itself is now officially considered therapy for a whole range of ailments, why not bring the full weight of Mick Fanning’s star power and his soft board empire to bear on the Opioid Crisis afflicting America?

You show up at the Doc with pain or as a registered addict and instead of a new script for Oxys or endone patches you get a MF softy.

I know that sounds ludicrous but wavepools full of tech billionaires and F1 racers was just as bizarre scant years ago. This is a chance for Fanning to finally and fully differentiate himself from Kelly and complete the beatification. Maybe a Nobel peace prize could be in the offing if he solves the Opioid Crisis.

I hear people bitching and moaning all the time about the challenge of wresting an hour or two out of the strangulating grip of urban, adult responsibility.

Get real.

Just put a softy in the car and leave it there. Give up everything about the surfboard except its pure utilitarian value. Unless you live somewhere where the soft board is now a device of cool.

Watch how my pal, local chalkie Sunny Russel does it. Skips out of school at 3.30 after teaching maths all day. Home, grabs the kid(s), Mammy gets stoked on some free time. Kids build sandcastles and Pappy shreds a half dozen before they all go home happy and play Happy Families.

It can work.

Conclusion: The beer sucks but the boards are great.

* I say Ryan Burch is the primary cause.
**Byron Bay.