Imagine the laughs in Santa Monica!
Today is April Fool’s. The day that we all tell each other little white lies about this or that in order to bring many laughs. The day surf media tells the world that Dane Reynolds is releasing a whole ton of new clips, the upcoming Snapper event will be moved to D’bah or that Rip Curl sells a “superior surf short.”
Well, Derek Rielly and I dreamed up the greatest surf media April Fool’s joke ever five short years ago. There we sat around my zinc kitchen island, slightly pocked due to the salty air, and wondered, “What would be the surf media April Fool’s shenanigan to end all surf media April Fool’s shenanigans?”
Derek said two words. Beach Grit.
“What’s a Beach Grit?” I asked.
Derek’s eyes lit up. “We are going to create a surf website…” And I started laughing so hard that he had to wait for thirty whole minutes before adding…
“… and we’ll cover professional surfing…”
By this time we were both the floor clutching our stomachs. It took another whole thirty before he finished, “But we can’t tell the Association of Surfing Professionals for five years.”
Well, the Association of Surfing Professionals transitioned to the World Surf League but Derek and I kept the joke to ourselves, as difficult as it was so many times.
But today is finally the reveal.
Imagine the guffaws in both Santa Monica’s low bungalow and also its secret high castle. Imagine the full-bellied laughs, Erik “Elo” Logan and Dirk Ziff hugging with tears streaming down their cheeks.
Dave Prodan, head back, choking on giggles, barely able to utter, “I’ve been involved in surf media for 20 years and never thought I’d see the day when one of their damned April Fool’s jokes actually worked. Bravo!”
Bravo indeed.
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So what was the order of events today?… did the High Castle read this piece first today and then send out the email to us with that WSL Fan Survey, or did they send out that survey and then read this piece and cringe?…
#itsthebenmarcusshow!!
Fun for the whole family and small pets too.
You think someone torched the house belonging to the Dive Oahu guy who took over the concessions at the Duke Statue?
I knew one of the guys who ran one of those concession before.
The Chinese dentist dude = Chang?
Did you work for him?
I know how much he paid a month to be there = choke.
Those concessions must be valuable to pay that much a month.
Pretty heavy to torch a guy’s house – with his daughter inside.
That’s arson and attempted murder and many many years in prison if you get pinched.
Even in Hawaii.
C’mon then. How much?
Classified.
Sorry.
Guess and I’ll tell you if it’s warm or cold.
A lot, though.
$10k?
Ha!
10k would be a lot to me to shell out a month,
but I guess it’s Waikiki….
100k?
Between
50k per month to rent surfboards to tourists?
Must’ve been pretty profitable to do that.
Not that much.
HaHaHa that’s a good one CB….. you’re a funny dude
I dint doo nuffin Ben… I swear.
And that Chinese dentist was no dude. She had the best set of teeth I had ever cum across though.
I am 100% sure that the new Waikiki beach concessionaire owner’s home was torched. The city put it up to open bid, ostensibly to keep a fair process and the local braddahs lost the bidding. There were some due process concerns and lots of judicial huhu.
It went to some mainland haole firm who had little to no experience in watersports. They didn’t even have any canoe captains or locals to teach surfing.
As you might imagine it’s quite the lucrative operation and there is now strict oversight and a hefty % of gross profits go back to the city. The new employees are mostly fresh off the boat and they wear khakis, polo shirts, and tennis shoes on the beach with white Chris Cote-type socks pulled up to their shark-bait knees selling time shares and fake-ass luau.
It’s only too fucking typical of the dispossession of real Hawaiian style and the tourists always complain that they don’t experience anything remotely Hawaiian. We joke about it but it’s sad that all that remains here are last year’s tourists selling to this year’s tourists.
“All that remains here are last year’s tourists selling to this year’s tourists.”
The new state motto.
Well at least I think it was a chick…… not really sure now that I think about it.
We know what Anthony did after all his dreams came true.. Best to keep dreaming.
So it’s a dead parrot?
Have you visited the simple, nostalgic desert loving Saudis and Emiratis lately Ben? Yeah. That’s exactly how shit Hollywood surf films get made too.
This guy is a legitimate Hollywood producer who has made movies you’ve enjoyed.
He’s going in through the front door.
People who have produced movies with a total box office of about $300,000,000 go in through different doors than scruffy surf journalists bent on causing trouble – and who could end up kidnapped and ransomed and causing their mommas a lot of trouble and strife – like that one dingaling in Somalia.
I would imagine Abu Dhabi and UAE are sitting on a dhow-load of possible production money.
More money than ideas.
A desert, Islamic version of The Pearl is not a bad idea.
East meets west by way of Steinbeck.
If they want to appeal to Western audiences.
I told him to look to the Norway as an example of a small, oil-rich nation producing and creating world-class product.
Have you seen Norsemen? 9th century Vikings who talk like hipsters.
It’s very very funny.
Also Troll Hunter, The Wave and Lilyhamer.
The Pearl is a morality play and pretty negative and maybe that won’t wash with the Islamic mind.
But the thought of desert-loving Arabs diving for pearls seems romantic and maybe it was – a vigorous, challenging, dangerous but lucrative life under the sea, the stars and that silvery crescent moon.
Worth a pitch anyway and if that worked they could do The Old Man and the Sea next.
This isn’t another cheap-ass surf movie.
How is yours going by the way?
Weight, so your telling us your big time?
What’s wrong with this khent 🤔
I dont no about that
don’t know
Wear do you come up with this stuff?
His underwear drawer?
Boxers or breefs?
Panties. In a twist.
Briefs.
^Ben Marcus escaped from the old folks home
I’m picturing a closeted racist, middle aged, overweight high school English teacher bogging rail or maybe a closeted racist, Santa Monica by way of Orange County transplant, digital media copy editor, bogging rail. Either way your annoying. For the record I’m an almost middle aged Social Justice Keyboard Warrior who also bogs rail.
World Balding Annoying Middle-aged Surf Website Commentary League!
(Edit: The women are welcome to join in the balding too!)
Or World Saddo League!
And I’m number 5!!! Never have I loved Jordy Smith so much! We’re like brothers, separated at, uh.. the birth of … humanity: 350,000 years ago.
… so alike.
It’s Our year fellas!
Me and Jordy! We’re going for the crown!
We’re gonna be number one!
what’sherface
Possessive. Not plural.
URBAN DICTIONARY RECKONS YOU’RE FULL OF CRAP.
URBAN DICTIONARY IS NOT ALONE.
NO APOSTROPHES
whatshisface
used when people cant remember another persons name
Dude whatshisface asked for you
#synonyms#gibberish#slang#made up words#related words
Don’t pretend your waste of space is useful. Don’t pretend you don’t care. Especially when you get all bent farcus.
Nobody (not me this time) surfs like Slater…
At least you show up when the Heat is ON!
pro surfing, no. pro surfers, yes. the fact that pro surfers are reasonably accessible compared to other professional athletes is what makes the name dropping more believable.
Everyone is accessible these days with social media.
You can leave funny comments on the Instagram of a superstar, and maybe get a LIKE.
Pro surfers probably feel undervalued and under-appreciated and insecure, so they crave the attention.
Not unlike former surf journalismers then?
Former surf journalist is the only kind of surf journalist to be these days.
Used to be special done by a happy few.
Now every hipster doofus and whiny wench can chime in.
Boring.
Elitism is what killed the side of surfing you so loved Ben.
Your self imposed punishment is to dine on the scraps of the bottom feeders here.
Someone can “Like” your comment, but not like you as a person.
I’m so annoying in person that you’d just punch me in line at foodland.
No you’re not. I could not imagine punching you. I could imagine punching someone on behalf of you, cause you’re a Dad and can’t afford to get in trouble. I think you are too hard on yourself CB. Save your degradating energy for more worthy targets. The WSL 2019 season is about to kick off and we need you focused man. The People need you. Nick’s board needs 10X you.
My comment was directed at, and referring to, Ben.
Awww, c’mon. Please?
Just an effeminate neck fingering at least!? (will you wear a yellow beanie if I talk dirty to you?)
I wanna feel loved!
I just had my gal read your comment aloud to me.
She called me a weirdo for asking her to do that, to which I replied that IT was the nicest, most suggestive thing she’s said in a long time. She also told me if I’m fingering her neck I’m doing it wrong, and finally she said “please don’t ever wear a yellow beanie! It’s gonna make you look like a fucking idiot!” I responded “hey, that was an unnecessary Stab.”
NECK FINGERER!
(Wah-wah WAH!)
He’s the man, the man with the lightest touch
A hipster’s touch
Such a shit finger
Beckons you to enter his web of sin
But don’t go in
Whining words he will pour in your babel
But his lies can’t disguise that you leapt the table
For a golden Grit knows when he’s palmed her
It’s the palm of man-breasts from
Mister NECK-FINGERER
Speaking of nobody cares..
Go fast, take chances is the official motto of the Beachgrit style guide.
We don’t, on the whole, believe in copyediting.
My copy was spotless until I handed it in. After it underwent a small reduction surgery for publishing, it magically contained numerous errors where none existed before.
I was so proud.
Viva BG!
Excellent. It’s all going according to plan!
Yes I’m a Nobody and thanks for noticing that I do care Benny.
I thought the WSL is a 15-year long April Fool’s joke directed at us?
Yeah they have deeper pockets for a more robust joke.
Since 1976 mate.
Ahhhh, April Fools Day brings back such good memories. Haven’t done it in awhile but on April Fools I used to love to paddle out on HB Northside. Then when there was a good lull in the action and everyone was just staring down at their boards I would yell SOUTH SIDE!! and start paddling like crazy. Now this is where the joke comes in he he.. Everyone thought i said OUTSIDE!! and everyone would start scratching for the horizon. Everyone would would look like crazy for the big set and of course it wasn’t there. I would start laughing, and then everyone would start laughing, and we all just had a grand time.