Send more tourists... the last ones were delicious.

Is there any cultural corner left where militant activists won’t come swinging in, demanding that it be turned into a safe space? Any oasis from weaponized hurt feelings? I would have thought that cute cartoon shark merchandise being sold in Christmas Tree Shops in New England might be that one perfect intersection.

Who could possibly be offended?

Enough people to get that “horribly inappropriate” stock removed while writing stinging rebukes on Facebook and let us turn our attention to Cape Cod, the picturesque Massachusetts town best known for its connection to the Kennedy family. Let us read together from the Boston Globe.

Merchandise making light of shark attacks has been stripped from the shelves of Christmas Tree Shops around Cape Cod because of complaints from residents who said the language and images on the items were inappropriate following two serious incidents last year between people and the apex predators — one of which resulted in a man’s death.

One of the items removed from the stores was a notepad featuring a drawing of a smiling great white shark. At the top of the pad it said, “Send more tourists,” and at the bottom, “The last ones were delicious.”

A second item no longer for sale was a kitchen towel that pictured a great white shark popping out of the water, below the words “Shark Week.” The bottom of the towel read, “Nice to Eat You.”

CapeCod.com, which first reported on the removal of the items, also documented a shirt that said “Come to the Shark Side Cape Cod” and another that read, “Cape Cod, Massachusetts — Dangerous Summer — Shark Patrol.”

Heather Doyle, co-chairwoman of the Cape Cod Ocean Community, an active online group focused on “surveillance, deterrence, detection, and Community awareness” about sharks off the Cape, said members pointed out the items in a discussion on the group’s Facebook page recently.

Members mobilized — not in a “militant way,” she clarified — and reached out to the chain’s corporate offices about what they deemed inappropriate products.

“Our reality is going to be sharks on everything; sharks on this — but when you start to personify sharks as evil animals that are hunting people and smiling . . . it’s probably not a lane we want to go down,” said Doyle, who went to two of the stores to see the products for herself and take pictures.

“It’s really not that funny,” she said. “It’s horribly inappropriate and insensitive to those of us who live here.”

Is there anything you’d like to see removed from shelves? What about little shot glasses that have “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor” written on them? If we muster our Facebooks do you think we could get them banned from kiosks since they encourage excessive drinking and/or perpetuate an incorrect spelling of the word “four?”

Let’s try!

SUPing or SUCing? The courts will soon decide.

I know your first instinct is to laugh here but it is very sad that the International Surfing Association and the International Canoe Federation are locked in a vicious custody battle over stand-up paddle surfing which may well keep it out of the 2024 Olympiad which will be hosted by Paris, France.

Of course I’ve written about this dispute before and stand-up paddlers, or SUPs, became known as stand-up canoers, or SUCs, for a brief moment but the drama has turned particularly nasty in light of the Games. Sports and pastimes must have a governing body in order to be included in the Olympics but stand-up paddling is being claimed by both surfing and canoeing making it impossible to “qualify.”

The SUPer/SUCer caught in the middle like a sad child whose divorcing parents hate each other and will go to any length to shame the other but don’t take my word for it. Let us turn to the important international news service Reuters for up to the minute details.

Paddle surfers could yet be racing for gold medals down the River Seine at the 2024 Olympics if a row over who controls the sport is resolved soon, the head of the Association of Paddlesurf Professionals (APP) believes.

The International Surfing Association (ISA) and the International Canoe Federation (ICF) both claim it and last year placed their dispute over the running of the booming sport into the hands of the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS).

“We are waiting to see what happens with the CAS arbitration which is unfortunate for everybody,” APP chief executive Tristan Boxford, a former professional windsurfer, told Reuters in an interview at a World Tour race on the River Thames on Saturday.

“Now we are late for Paris but it’s still possible. I was in Lausanne the other day and I had a good conversation with the (International Olympic Committee) guys there who said it was still possible to get this resolved and we could get fast-tracked to Paris.

It is easy to see why a dispute arose as the sport has elements of surfing and kayaking, with participants standing on a board propelling themselves forward with a paddle which, according to the ICF, means it should fall under its auspices.

With the rise in popularity of the sport showing no sign of slowing down, Boxford said it was frustrating that its progress had hit choppy waters with the ownership dispute.

“Suddenly the ICF came and saw an opportunity with stand-up paddling grabbing everyone’s attention,” he said.

“They have had sports that have been around for a long time but are not necessarily growing and then they saw a sport that is growing exponentially and saw an opportunity, which I understand, because it’s a business opportunity.

“But the athletes are the losers because there is confusion.”

Last year the ICF’s attempt to host a Stand-Up Paddling world championships in Portugal was scuppered, but it will stage the event this October on China’s Yellow Sea Coast.

Very, very sad but, like wise Solomon before me, I think I have the perfect solution. You certainly remember the story where two women living in the same house claimed a baby was theirs. One had died, one was living and they were fighting over which was whose so they went before the king and kept fighting and fighting until he came up with the perfect solution. He’d split the live baby in half. The woman who wept and said, “Just let the other have the baby….” as opposed to “Chop away…” was clearly the mother and the dispute was justly solved.

I think we should split SUPs/SUCs in half. Like, literally and physically. SUPers/SUCers too. Someone else can sort out the bloody pieces but I think it is the only solution and I hope that’s what the Court of Arbitration for Sport decides too.

Surfers are the best!

Scott Bass, one of southern California’s most important surfing voices, regularly says, “Surfers are the worst.” And I agree with him but in my corrupted mind “worst” usually means “best.” Take for example the Dustin Hoffman, Warren Beatty vehicle Ishtar. Most critics agree it is one of the worst movies ever made but I think it is one of the best. Also take the musical stylings of Tom Jones. I don’t know that he is officially considered “the worst” but I also think he is the best.

Which brings us to the case of two Ohio surfers who were arrested over the weekend for “inducing panic.” I didn’t know “inducing panic” was an arrestable offense but it certainly sounds like something two surfers would do and let’s turn to Ohio’s local ABC affiliate for more.

Two men are behind bars on and facing charges of inducing panic after allegedly surfing on the swollen Great Miami River.

Passersby spotted the men in the water shortly before 5 p.m., and the men also had asked someone to call for help after they apparently fell in the river in the area of Ohio 47 and Port Huron Drive.

“We had prepared for a water rescue,” Shelby County Sheriff’s Sgt. Joel Howell said. “We weren’t exactly sure if they were in the water.”

However, deputies received word the pair, who were wet and carrying an oar, were just south of town.

“They ended up going to jail for inducing panic, the reason being they left after asking somebody to call for help for them,” said Howell, who added that the men apparently admitted seeing at least one deputy respond.

So they had someone call for help and watched help arrive? Is that the problem?

Also, why the hell were these surfers carrying an oar?

Much to chase, journalistically, on this story but I will maintain that these two are fine surfer examples.

Maybe even dictionary definition fine.