Apocalypse: Over 300 “Man-eating” Great Whites force closure of 60 beaches on U.S. eastern seaboard!

"Let's go kill some sharks!"

Just over one week ago, you read here about how my bucolic North County, San Diego seaside paradise has been transformed into a Great White-infested hell. Oh, beaches were closed as juvenile sharks circled and jumped like the waves were their own, shuttering breaks from Carlsbad to Del Mar.

Del Mar’s chief lifeguard, John Edelbrock, described the sharks’ behavior as docile — “not aggressive in any way.”

Well, those Great Whites swimming on the eastern seaboard must have taken note and, like the great east vs. west rap battles of old, threw down an absolute hammer track. Over 300 sharks have forced the closure of 60 beaches this summer so far.

Are these sharks docile, not aggressive in any way, like their west coast foils? We must turn to the Brexit’s Daily Mail for more.

Charles Vansant was the first victim, a strapping 25-year-old stockbroker swimming in water only chest-deep when the shark struck.

Anxious to encourage a reluctant dog to join him, the young American hadn’t noticed the dark shadow and tell-tale protruding fin behind him. The Great White shark shredded his left leg to the bone, virtually tearing it from his body.

Mr Vansant was helped back to the beach, but bled to death at a nearby hotel. ‘His death was the most horrible thing I ever saw,’ said a witness.

That incident was, of course, the first 1916 attack, likely by a Bull not a White, that lead to many more and a run of shark paranoia on the east coast, eventually fictionalized by the film Jaws. Well, the Daily Mail pivots straight from early Jaws folklore to our modern day.

Between July and early August, some 60 beaches have been closed because of shark sightings around Cape Cod, the Massachusetts summer paradise near where Jaws was filmed.

At least 300 Great Whites — sometimes 15ft-long monsters in just 5ft of water — have been spotted around the Cape. Officials have responded by putting up new warning signs about Great Whites and issuing lifeguards with tourniquets to staunch bleeding from bites. Purple shark-emblazoned warning flags fly at beaches at all times.

On and on the Daily Mail piece goes, whipping the reader into an absolute frenzy, pivoting back and forth from yesteryear to modern times, begging the readers to take up pitchforks, or harpoons, and go out a stabbin’.

Like… Lifeguards, hearing a bloodcurdling scream, turned to see what they thought was a red upturned canoe in the water. It was Charles Bruder, a 28-year-old hotel bellboy, swimming in his own blood that had pooled around him.

And… ‘Let’s go kill some sharks!’ became a popular rallying cry. Just as in Jaws, fishermen took to their boats looking for the shark, while police officers reported blasting away at suspicious shadows in the water. However, in the midst of the panic, Dr Lucas and other experts still insisted further attacks would be very unlikely. They were wrong.

So should we?

Should we take up pitchforks and/or harpoons and/or big ol’ guns?

Also, were you Team Bad Boy or Team Death Row?

More as the terror develops.

Angry old bird takes on pro-pool man with bird's nest hairdo.

Revolt: Violent anti-wavepool protests rock france; mirthless locals fight filthy garbage surfers!

Environmentalists ask, how can we build wavepools when there are people starving in Africa?

This story might be a little cold given the violence is a few weeks old, but the community of a farming town in north-west France remains torn apart by violent protests over plans to build an American Wave Machines pool that would be bigger than BSR’s in Waco.

Saint-Pere-en-Retz, home to four-and-a-half-thousand, was gonna get itself a seventeen-million American dollar tank, and charge fifty bucks an hour, but has been stymied by environmentalists who weep about the “destruction of the natural heritage and agricultural space, Co2 emissions and the water consumption.”

There have been street riots, cops with batons, pro-pool surfers rolling around in a gang of three tractors and fighting with farmers, old friends turning against each other (one man says he’s scared to leave his house), all sorts of thrills.

It’s been so visually pleasing for news organisations that for a brief moment it even knocked the gilets jaunes protests from French television screens.

A group calling itself Zap la Vague (Zap the Wave)  says the joint is an “aberration”, “useless”, that one hour of artificial wave-making uses the equivalent of three weeks water consumption and three weeks electricity for a regular household and, anyway, surfers won’t go near the place.

“This project is absurd. Surfers love the contact with the elements. They will never go to a wave pool which is located only ten minutes away from the ocean,” said a spokesperson. “To its core, surfing is a prayer.”

While the future of the development remains in limbo, do you agree with the central premise of Zap the Wave?

That surfing is a prayer?

And that if you lived on a part of the coast where the waves, mostly, suck, you wouldn’t go near it?

While you ponder, here’s a song for any French speakers that asks another pointed question: how can we build wavepools when there are people starving in Africa and so on?


Comment Live: Day 1, Tahiti Pro Teahupoo presented by Hurley!

Kelly Slater says, "For sure Tahiti is more in my wheelhouse than many other events."

I think, pray and hope that professional surfing is back today. The countdown clock on the World Surf League’s patented timer is ticking all the way to zero over at “The End of the Road” but I have to get in the car and drive north on “The Endless Road” before it actually reaches zero.

What’s a surf journalist to do?

If it runs and there is no “Comment Live” feed up and running, shame will haunt me for multiple hours.

If it doesn’t run and there is a “Comment Live” feed up and running, shame will haunt me until I can delete.

I’m opting for the later!

Kelly Slater says, “For sure Tahiti is more in my wheelhouse than many other events. I do have a lot of confidence there, but that doesn’t detract from needing to get out there and figure out the lineup and take note of how your competitors are looking and getting yourself on the good waves. The confidence goes up for sure though and I focus a lot more on my performance and what I can control than my competition.”



Tahiti Pro Teahupo’o pres. by Hurley Seeding Round (Round 1) Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Gabriel Medina (BRA), Peterson Cristanto (BRA), Soli Bailey (AUS)
Heat 2: Jordy Smith (ZAF), Adrian Buchan (AUS), Jadson Andre (BRA)
Heat 3: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN), Caio Ibelli (BRA), Adriano de Souza (BRA)
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA), Sebastian Zietz (HAW), Kauli Vaast (FRA)
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA), Joan Duru (FRA), Tyler Newtown (HAW)
Heat 6: Kolohe Andino (USA), Yago Dora (BRA), Matahi Drollet (PYF)
Heat 7: Kelly Slater (USA), Deivid Silva (BRA), Francisco Morais (PRT)
Heat 8: Ryan Callinan (AUS), Willian Cardoso (BRA), Ricardo Christie (NZL)
Heat 9: Julian Wilson (AUS), Michael Rodrigues (BRA), Ezekiel Lau (HAW)
Heat 10: Michel Bourez (PYF), Jeremy Flores (FRA), Griffin Colapinto (USA)
Heat 11: Owen Wright (AUS), Wade Carmichael (AUS), Jesse Mendes (BRA)
Heat 12: Conner Coffin (USA), Seth Moniz (HAW), Jack Freestone (AUS)

Superlative: England’s newest tank promises “1,000 perfect waves an hour!”

Surf until your arms fall off!

You first read about The Wave here, I think, when the world’s newest wave tank in bucolic southwestern England got into a little fight with neighbors over a license to serve alcohol. The neighbors were worried, understandably, with all that surfing followed by all that drinking, the region would devolve into a drunken, lust-filled hell.

Well, The Wave won the fight, will be serving alcohol and will also swing the gates wide for that alcohol this November.

You can pre-book now and it seems very reasonable. Sessions will cost £40-45 for an adult and £30-35 for a child, including board and suit in case you have a 7’7 SurfTech fetish. An hour and a half session with coaching is also being offered for £55-60 in case your name is “Beth.”

All fine and good but what caught me off guard is the number of “perfect (6 feet, 15 seconds of ride time) waves” The Wave is promising.

Over 1000 per hour according to the local BristolLive.

That is 16.66 waves every minute, 8.33 every thirty seconds, 1 wave every 3 seconds.

Many many waves.

Is this normal or, between Surf Lakes’ eight-footers and The Wave’s 1000, have tank builders/operators lost all sense?



Celebrate: The Southampton surfing ban was a hoax; surfers and surf schools allowed to flourish!

It's a "fake news" moment!

As you well know, we live in a fake news epoch where odd dribs and drabs get reported, picked up on social media, copy and pasted on BeachGrit then proven false or false-ish. Exactly like yesterday’s report that surfing was banned all summer long in the posh New York state summer enclave Southampton.

Now, I forgot to mention in yesterday’s report that I once attended a birthday party in Southampton for a fabulous television executive also attended, mostly, by male models. She was a big shot and it was her birthday and male models were her wish and wow. Though you may be confused, I am not a male model but that male model economy is something incredible. Something surreal and someday, you heard it hear first, male models are going to have their “me too” moment and be in front of the  downtrodden line. Imagine that. Gorgeous white males in the front of the downtrodden line. We always find a way but back to the point at hand.

Apparently, the story claiming that surfing was banned all summer long in the posh New York state summer enclave Southampton is false or false-ish and let’s go to an on-the-ground news source for the absolute latest.

More than 50 surfers swarmed the waters of Agawam Beach August 18 to protest an alleged ban on surfing at Southampton Village beaches from 9 AM to 6 PM June 15 to September 15. Village Mayor Jesse Warren said while the 40-year-old Southampton Village regulation is actually part of the town code, it is not enforced.

“There is no ban on surfing in the village,” he said.

In fact, one of the newly-elected mayor’s first efforts in his new administration was a push to bring back surf lessons after they were banned by the prior administration. More than one school will be allowed to obtain a permit from the village under Warren’s plan unveiled at the end of last month, and since his announcement early in July, two schools have begun the application process. There’s also a scholarship program set up where those who cannot afford lessons can apply for free ones.

Chloe Kimball, the organizer of the August 18 protest who began a Change.org petition that received 5000 signatures by press time, said Southampton police were telling surfers to get out of the water Saturday, “telling us they were going to fine us $1000.”

“This understandably caused disruptions and concern among those of us who love the sport,” Kimball said.

Jennifer Arnold said less surfing means more kids will end up in trouble.

Do you worry about Jennifer Arnold’s kids? Don’t anymore!

Surfing has been saved!