Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms WSL
Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms WSL

Live from Lemoore: “And Kelly Slater cast them into a furnace where there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.”

The horror. The horror.

I swore on my ex-mother-in-law’s Avenal double-wide that I would never ever ever return to the California’s central valley but yesterday found me there underneath a relentless sun, standing in Lemoore’s dry dirt thinking, “What on earth has Kelly Slater wrought?” It would be impossible for even the most poetically apocalyptic mind to dream up a more torturous scene. A tableau filled with more… hopelessness.

John of Patmos, Dante Alighieri, Stephan King all prostrate themselves at the eleven-time World Champion’s surgically repaired foot.

And I wish I could tell you that I was there for some great joke, a follow-up to last year’s billboard but alas. We kicked around a few ideas. A giant image of smiling John John with the words “Do you miss me yet?” underneath. This one of the World Surf League’s President of Content, Media, Studios and 1/2 lbs. Big Mouth Burgers Erik “ELo’ Logan and me with some glib line but nothing stuck and our window closed.

No, I was in Lemoore for something far more prosaic though beautiful, a project you will enjoy soon, but did have the occasion to speak with many professional surfers. To peer into their eyes and sense the deep ache in their souls.

Did you know each professional surfer gets two waves a day leading up to the event? Not two hours but two waves? One left. One right. Their two waves are slotted throughout the day. They get their practice schedule, head for the pool, surf down, surf back and are finished until the next day.

Roughly one minute of surfing coupled with one four minute wait.

Imagine that.

Imagine you a professional surfer and your two wave slot is 8:30 in the morning. You wake up, eat breakfast, spend your five minutes in the tank then stare down the barrel of twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes in Lemoore.

I spoke with Ryan Callinan from Australia’s Newcastle. He fell on his first turn, busting his fin out but he didn’t know until the next wave when he slid around strangely and that was it. No more. See you again in twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes. Then again in twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes. Then again in twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes.

I asked how he planned on spending his time. He said he was thinking about driving to Yosemite. I told him it was a 3.5 hour drive. San Francisco? A 3.5 hour drive. Los Angeles? A 3.5 hour drive. The nearest beach? A lousy one and a 3.5 hour drive.

Kelly Slater conjured a place that traps fit, tan, healthy, physically gifted specimens 3.5 hours from anything resembling life breathing cow stink and second-hand Marlborough Red and jet exhaust from Lemoore’s naval air base. He feeds them their choice of hot dog, hamburger, hard-shell taco, encourages them to play rigged Indian casino slot machines, the only form of entertainment within the 3.5 hour bubble, and teases their minds with two waves. One right. One left.

Imagine that.

David Lynch’s most experimental bio horror is a romantic comedy in comparison. Dutch filmmaker Tom Six’s work is no more disturbing than an episode of Friends when juxtaposed with Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch.

I spoke with current world number 6 Italo Ferreira and asked how he was spending his time. He smiled and said, “I go to my room, put on music and dance.”

Italo for the win, I suppose.

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Proposal: Two-day surf contests with million-dollar winner-take-all first prize!

"Ten surfers put in $US100,000. Each. First come, first served. Let's see who, or what brand, really believes in their world championship ability. Volcom and Jack Robinson perhaps?"

Derek, Chas, Longtom and Jen See,

I have discovered the antidote to our discontent.

As BeachGrit so adamantly proclaims, we must free ourselves from the shackles of corporate perceptions in regards to professional surfing.

And I agree, Goddammit.

And I have discovered that all roads lead to Grajagan and Keramas.

In order to heal the pain a great many of us feel regarding the WSL’s hijacking and re-branding of the professional aspect of our sport as a soulless pansy fest, please consider the following:

I challenge any and all surfers on earth to compete in a new competition of my design which I call the:

The Global World Surfing Championship Cup

And bear in mind that I have already held three prototype experimental preliminary events. And I have proven the concept works. See the link below.

Dig this:

1. Ten surfers put in $US100,000. Each. First come, first served.

2. This will comprise the million dollar winner-take-all prize money. Let’s see who, or what brand, really believes in their world championship ability. Volcom and Jack Robinson perhaps?

3. The surfers will surf together all day, dawn to dusk, over two days. They can take breaks from the line-up whenever they wish.

4. They will surf one day at perfect Grajagan.

5. One day at perfect Keramas.

6. No heats, no horns, no jerseys, no judges, no fanfare, no bullshit.

7. There will be one experienced master surfing observer who will watch both day’s performances. There will be no points given or read. This master’s word will be enough at the end of the tournament.

8. At the end of the second day, based on his close observations of live surfing and replays, this master will proclaim the winner and the recipient of the Global World Surfing Championship Cup and the million-dollar first prize.

9. Sportsmanship in the line-up will be a considered factor.

10. This event is designed to be globally televised as a true representation of the unique and ancient spirit surfing combined with the best performances on earth.

11. This event will be globally televised with insightful commentary whose hallmarks will be honesty, integrity and experienced perspective.

12. This format is based on the ancient Polynesian surf competition format. So please, no comments that this competition would not have soul.

Please see the YouTube clip, below, as an example of just one of the experimental prototypes events that I have already held in Indonesia.

And imagine, if you are capable, of turning this experiment into the real deal.

I am open to any and all inquiries.

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Two surfers who love The Machine, Gabriel Medina, Pip Toledo. | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Opinion: “The Freshwater Pro is vital; a surfer can get lucky in France, not in Lemoore!”

The Machine exposes the weaknesses of the top 34 professional surfers. And that's something that deserves to stay.

The WSL is in full social media promotional mode for the Freshwater Pro this weekend and if you scroll down you will see the comments, probably left by some of you.

“Bring back Trestles.”

“LeBoring.”

“Worst Event Ever.”

There’s very little variation to these comments. It’s overwhelmingly negative.

And, yes, the marketing screams VAL-Kook. The overall feel seems to be inspired by Slater’s Pottery Barn Teen collection.

But, is The Freshwater Pro that bad?

It deserves its spot on the Championship Tour. It is the necessary thorn in every professional surfers side. A surfer can get lucky in France, not in Lemoore. The Machine exposes the weaknesses of the top 34 professional surfers. And that’s something that deserves to stay.

Last year, the best surfers made it to finals day: Medina, Felipe, Slater, Wilson, Igarashi, Wright.

Out after the first day? Wiggoly, Mikey Febs, Jesse Mendes, Willian Cardoso, etc.

It was reported, here, that there will never be another World Tour stop in Lemoore because “the pros hate it”.

They hate it because it’s difficult to surf.

They hate it because it’s different than the other waves on tour.

They hate it because it’s ruthlessly perfect. The machine pulls no punches and has even the world’s best fumbling through the owner’s manual with furrowed brows.

Should it be easy because it’s man-made? Nay, for Slater created it in his image. And even he sometimes bogs a turn or gets caught in the foam.

I’m sure the complaints were cast by those whose weaknesses are most magnified in the pool. The best waves on tour humanize professional surfers. They instill fear and inspire greatness. They get thumbs caught in door jams. They expose weaknesses. This is exactly what The Machine does. When those absurdly loud engines start chortling coal and that train screams down those tracks bringing with it a force of human will, it’s do or die.

It’s wonderful!

We’re also assuming most of the online hate comes from people who have never been to Lemoore. Yes, it’s a methy backwater of a town, and a little depressing. But that’s what makes it great.

Romanticize with us for a moment…

It’s a waterless, droughty day in Lemoore, California. You’ve just driven in from Los Angeles. Your first stop: The Tachi Palace and Casino. As you walk into the lobby, you’re hit with that sterile, hand-sanitizer scent of casino dreams crushed. You saddle up to the bar and order yourself a two-dollar Bud. You glance to your left. There’s a rancher and his girlfriend canoodling, engulfing an armada of cigarettes after a long week of wrassling cows and tending crops. You note the dried dirt beneath their fingertips and the tobacco staining their gums. Then to your right. There’s a duo of Slater fans (you can tell by their merch) suckin’ on Mickey Ultras.

You smile to yourself and wander to the tables, where you are soon gambling with every Australian on tour. Last year, this became reality when we gambled for hours with Parko, Kerr, Gilmore and watched Medina and his posse lay down some heavy vibes at the bar.

Kerrzy refused to place another chip on the felt until drinks were served. And demanding all in attendance join him on this worthy demonstration.

The pit boss was not pleased, but that did not deter Sir Kerrzy.

“Flip a chip, win a chip!” he bellowed as he catapulted a token in the air with his thumb.

The thing nearly nicked the pitty’s nose before dropping down into his open palm. “Another one for me, ya cunt!” he said, cackling as he did. NOT until the drinks were brought would we relinquish our hold on the casino floor and continue our staking.

Where else on tour can you go hang with surfing’s elite and play some cards while blasting cigs inside? It’s a throwback to the punk rock days of the ASP, and we can’t get enough.

As you arrive to the Surf Ranch Gates with a Tachi hangover, you begin to feel the earth rumble beneath you. The preliminary tests are underway. After winding your way through the dry-dirt parking lot, you finally lay eyes on The Machine. It roars to life and you watch the world’s best surfer’s attempt to tame it. It’s a fucking water-logged nightmare, and I love everything about it.

As far as the broadcast and the live viewing event go, they’re too long and static. There’s no music to it, at all. That’s on the WSL. There are so many opportunities to spice up the day.

Why not pick a random person in between heats to surf a wave?

Why not have a band play during the competition?

Why does it have to be two days?

Let’s mix up the scoring! We can all agree the current contest formula does not work at The Machine of Lemoore. It’s too perfect. It’s too consistent to be judged like other waves.

One bright spot of last years broadcast that ELO should, in Santa Monica corporate speak, “lean into” is give us more Strider. That guy is the kid at the pool party who ate too much cake and is rocking a glorious sugar high to the hall of mirrors. He was in full froth mode in the tub while commentating himself weaving through a wave. Strides pulled into a barrel with a clunky backpack weighing him down, shot out and screamed upon exit, before levying two nooner snaps! Each one was adorned with a screeching “BANGO!”. Weighty and potent.

The people demand more Strides. Unleash him!

With this year being possibly the last year before the VAL Corporate Takeover, let’s appreciate The Freshwater Pro for hosting an event that rewards the best surfers with points, and hope the WSL delivers on the production side.

Give it a chance.

Get lost in the majesty of the cow shit.

The novelty of the man-made wave.

The power of its grip.

The exposing of weaknesses of the world’s best surfers.

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"The funniest woman on Instagram", the Australian Celeste Barber at Surf Ranch. | Photo: WSL

Quit-lit: “We made surfing too easy. Surf schools, wavepools, foamies and funboards. It’s a massive, multicoloured foaming shitfight!”

"For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a surfer. But at some point it became a noose around my neck."

It’s funny what we hold onto. We assign value to things we keep in dusty boxes under desks, in lofts and garages.

I have boxes, Important Things, surely, that have been through multiple house moves unopened. At each new place, at the turn of each new chapter, I usher them to a safe corner, tucking them away like rare bird’s eggs. They rest in the recesses of my mind, in great nests of broken branches and feathers and mud, but in my heart I know they are hollowed out.

One day I think I’ll sit down and go through the boxes, and I will laugh or cry, examining the tiny fragments that symbolise who or what I once was.

But I won’t.

The boxes are cradled, unopened, from one safe space to another, and as the years pass, and who I was becomes ever more distant, and ever more alien, the contents become ever more useless. They hold shards of a person I don’t want to know.

What Chas Smith said recently rang true for me, too. Surfing used to be a world of rebels and bandits. It was something that felt edgy and different. It was a place to run to. In some parts of the world I’m sure this hasn’t been the case for decades. But in Scotland, as recently as the nineties, surfers were still rare. Surfing was an outpost. Those chasing it were outlaws. It was a clear path for a young man looking for a tribe.

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a surfer. I’ve cherished the idea of being “a surfer” sometimes more than the act itself. It has been my identity. But at some point it became a noose around my neck.

What Chas Smith said recently rang true for me, too. Surfing used to be a world of rebels and bandits. It was something that felt edgy and different. It was a place to run to. In some parts of the world I’m sure this hasn’t been the case for decades. But in Scotland, as recently as the nineties, surfers were still rare. Surfing was an outpost. Those chasing it were outlaws. It was a clear path for a young man looking for a tribe.

But this is gone.

There are still places where you can find empty surf, but that statement feels like a vile cliche to write, nevermind to have as a goal.

I’m not sure when it changed or exactly what did. Geography changed, work changed, family changed.

In the end, I think I just grew up.

Why have anxiety about VALs, or what the WSL are doing, or crowds, or forecasts, or the Olympics, or what wavepools might mean for the future of surf?

Why not just give it up?

Why not just stop pretending that it’s any more important than kicking a ball around the park, or swinging a club round 18 holes once in a while?

It’s not a fucking lifestyle. That’s what the teenage me with the straggly hair and the lump of dirty hash in his pocket and the shit sketches of waves on his jotters would say.

Move on, you dumb cunt, the adult me says.

To chase surf is not a good use of my time. Constantly checking forecasts before I commit to things, then not committing anyway in case the forecast changes was a burden. Driving for hours for mediocre surf instead of spending time with my kids was untenable. Surfing, at times, felt like a penance. Without it, I’m free to do things without feeling the great weight of unfulfillment pressing me down.

Surfing is not for me anymore. Not really. I get my kicks elsewhere. I’m lucky enough to live surrounded by mountains and gorges and rivers and forests and lochs. A land compressed and released from the grip of billions of tonnes of ice. I found myself wondering why I was regularly ignoring the beautiful, unflinching wilderness in front of my face in pursuit of waves that always seemed to let me down.

I stopped gambling, too. Like all addictions it was something I ran to when I was pissed off. Not surfing used to piss me off. Shit forecasts, shit sessions, and all the aching time in between always sent me back to the bookies. I hadn’t placed a bet in months til Teahupoo. Hadn’t watched a comp either. Lost a fortune there. Shouldn’t have bothered.

Surfing is not for me anymore. Not really. I get my kicks elsewhere. I’m lucky enough to live surrounded by mountains and gorges and rivers and forests and lochs. A land compressed and released from the grip of billions of tonnes of ice. I found myself wondering why I was regularly ignoring the beautiful, unflinching wilderness in front of my face in pursuit of waves that always seemed to let me down.

The land here is still wild. I can run from my front door and be completely alone amongst trees and rock and tumbling water within 20 minutes. In 40 I stop seeing signs of civilisation altogether. And beyond this I can be at the mercy of weather, or a slip away from death. People die in the hills here with regularity. It feels like you’re doing something consequential.

It’s much harder to find this sort of exposure in surfing. I could dedicate my life to giant surf or death slabs, but that’s hardly realistic, or sustainable. Surfing, for the most part, is too soft. We made it too easy. Wetsuits, surf schools, wavepools, foamies and funboards. It’s a massive, multicoloured foaming shitfight. It’s more like a pre-teen birthday party at McDonalds than a stimulating outdoor experience.

And running. Fuck me. Have you ever ran? Like, just ran, with no care for where you are going or why?

Man, it’s exhilarating. I have genuine moments of euphoria. No word of a lie, it can be like you’re coming up on a pill. And you need nothing to tap into it. You rely on nothing.

But it’s the shedding of ego that I’ve most appreciated. Like an old, useless skin has finally flaked away. Running for me is a solitary thing, there’s no ego, no excuses. I don’t need to obsess over style, there’s no-one around to impress. There’s no equipment to use as a scapegoat. It’s just simple. And I can do it anytime.

So, to all intents and purposes I’m done with surf.

I mean, I went last weekend, but that was primarily to spend time with someone I’m writing about. It was good. I can enjoy it again without feeling like it has to be something more. For my second surf I grabbed a foamie I bought for the kids. I’d never tried one before. There was a little left hand wedge, waist to chest high at best. The sun was out, and with it a crowd. There were a few guys on shortboards, but they were stretching. I paddled for everything, consciously ignoring everything I’ve learned. I caught a ton of waves, backpaddled, caught waves from way outside, ignored all the glares.

And you know what? I fucking enjoyed it. Surfing isn’t serious for me anymore. I don’t care who thinks I’m a kook. If you can’t beat them, join them.

It was the first time I’d been in four months. Maybe five? Who cares. Easter it was. A

few days of great surf on an idyllic isle. The memories smoulder gently in the back of my mind, suspended, as if in amniotic fluid. They are free of burden.

Quitting surfing?

I feel like I have, at least in some way. And I probably should have done it a long time ago. I’ll still surf when I can, I just won’t feel like I need to. You should try it. If you let it go I promise you’ll feel better.

As for those boxes, I’m never going to open them.

I’ll just burn them. Probably.

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The long road home: Sunny Garcia “has said a few words and is now in therapy daily”

"It’s going to be a marathon not a sprint but we work every day to make sure he is surrounded with love, laughter and Ohana."

In an update via the GoFundMe page set-up to pay for the medical bills of former world champ Sunny Garcia his family reports,

“We are taking one day at a time and celebrating each little triumph. Sunny is a warrior and fighting everyday to get better and stronger. He has said a few words and is now in therapy daily – physical, speech and occupational. The family thanks you for your continued support for Sunny as he continues to heal. It’s going to be a marathon not a sprint but we work every day to make sure he is surrounded with love, laughter and Ohana.”

A family friend, Janae Twisselman, told the Hawaiian news channel Khon 2, “With the family members, he’s paying attention to voices. He can follow people’s faces. He’s moving his head. He’s speaking a few words. When he first started, he was in an induced coma a few months ago, and now we’re in a place where he’s functioning completely on his – you know for his physical self, his body – on his own.”

In April, Sunny, a perennial Triple Crown winner, was found unconscious at his home in Oregon, almost dead, and supposedly by his own hand.

A few weeks later, Sunny was off sedation, but still in a coma, with doctors treating his kidney and liver with dialysis (an induced coma, where the body and brain is anaesthetised often results in further complications). It was reported, then, that Sunny was “surprising doctors as he continues to get better.”

So far, $121,000 has been raised, of a $150k goal, to cover his myriad expenses.

Significant donations came from Jason Mamoa ($2000), Bruce Irons ($1500), GoPro’s Justin Wilkenfeld ($2000), moto-king Carey Hart ($1000), Hawaiian photographer Peter Hodgson ($1000) as well as cameos from Lyndie Irons, Nick and Tom Carroll, Luke Stedman, Ross Williams, Kirk Flintoff and Cory Lopez.

“If you are my friend I’ll go to war for you. I’ll give you the shirt off my back. But if I don’t know you and you are talking shit, or messing with my family or friends? Then I will punch you in the face. I don’t care. The press has always made me out to be a rough character but it is not who I really am. I just don’t have time for people I don’t coming up to me and causing problems.” SUNNY GARCIA

The most surprising donation came from Percy “Neco” Padaratz, who fled Pipeline in 2007 after he hassled hell out of Sunny in their Pipe Masters heat.

On the beach, Neco jumped a fence and climbed into the relative safety of the judges’ tower and was given a police escort back to his house.

When asked about his tough-guy image by Chas Smith, Sunny said, “I don’t fucking care. I don’t think of myself that way. If you are my friend I’ll go to war for you. I’ll give you the shirt off my back. But if I don’t know you and you are talking shit, or messing with my family or friends? Then I will punch you in the face. I don’t care. The press has always made me out to be a rough character but it is not who I really am. I just don’t have time for people I don’t coming up to me and causing problems. You would, too.”

Donate here. 

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