Source: Tommy Pierucki/Pineapple Sunrise
Source: Tommy Pierucki/Pineapple Sunrise

Unsatisfying: Man proposes to girlfriend while surfing in Hawaii, loses ring on wave thereby flushing three-months of salary!

A diamond is for... oops!

Surfing has been employed in the service of so many things, yoga, extreme dog-walking, the janitorial arts, etc. and so it comes as no surprise when it is employed to ask a beautiful partner to enter into the bonds of a lifelong, committed relationship.


People have asked people other people into holy matrimony whilst riding, I always assume, longboards for many years. Most recently we have Chris Garth who asked his lovely gal Lauren Oiye to be his lawfully wedded wife at Queens just off Waikiki beach and let’s head to Hawaii News Now for the rest of the happy details. Let’s not forget to grab some tissues first in case we tear up a little.

Chris Garth and Lauren Oiye met at this surf spot years ago. It was only fitting he decided to propose to her here. As Chris knelt down, pulled out a ring, and popped the question, several photographers were nearby to capture the moment. Lauren said yes. And then Chris lost the ring. He thought that might happen, so luckily he used a spare while they were out in the water.

The real ring was waiting on shore.


What the hell?

The real ring was on the shore? Now I feel completely and utterly ripped off. I do believe a man is supposed to spend three months of his salary on an engagement ring, no? Imagine the thrill of those heavy consequences. The unparalleled rush. I’d have to think it’d feel something like paddling over the ledge of Peahi (Jaws) all clench-jaw’d, pumping with adrenaline, life and/or three-months of doctor bills on the line.

To leave the real ring on shore seems… so unsatisfying and I do hope Lauren Oiye did not praise Chris Garth’s elevated sense of liability hedging but rather cursed his lack of fighting spirit.

But real quick, what is the best thing you’ve ever done on a surfboard (air-reverse excluded)?

General White
General White

The “Great White Death” comes to England’s shore as dolphin bitten in half by shark washes up in Cornwall!

" ocean predator may be lurking nearby."

The Black Death, or Bubonic Plague, first reached England’s verdant pendulum in the summer of 1348. It moved swiftly from the coast to London and by the summer of 1349 between 40% to 60% of the country’s population was buried dead in the ground. A very sad year, indeed and I imagine there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth from bereaved relatives.

The plague returned again a decade later, knocking out 20% of the population and again every five to twelve years until scientists figured out its root cause and eradicated the horror.

The English breathed easy all the way until the autumn of 2019 when an even greater terror washed up on its cold but grey but cold shore.

The Great White Death. The shark-pocalypse. The probable end of surfing and surf culture worldwide and nothing, not even the writhing in pain, bleeding from mouth, gangrene-inducing Black Death can hold a candle to this new outbreak. The closest a Great White has ever come to England, before now, was a good two-hundred miles off the British soil in the Bay of Biscay and that was in 1977.

Oh don’t have to take my word for it. Newsweek also knows the truth and let us turn there immediately.

A dolphin carcass that appeared to be missing large portions of its body washed up on a British beach this week, sparking fears than an ocean predator may be lurking nearby.

Images of the remains, which were found at Harlyn Bay in Cornwall, were posted to Facebook by a local environmental group called Beach Guardian CIC on Tuesday. In the pictures, the mammal appeared to be missing chunks of its bottom half and many of its bones were visible.

Rob Stevenson, who works at Beach Guardian, did not speculate on how it died, but told Cornwall Live that residents should be careful around the remains.

The Shark Trust, a U.K. conservation group, says over 40 species of shark have been spotted off the British coast, with at least 21 species living in the waters all year round. Species include the Thresher, Nursehound, Porbeagle and Tope and Basking, Blue and Shortfin Mako.

The white shark is not one of them, at least not yet.

“At least not yet” is one of the most ominous phrases in our language. That and having to be careful around the dolphin’s remains. Do you think the “lurking ocean predator” is crafting a new, deadly bubonic-type illness?

More as the story develops.

Is there a shark lurking somewhere underneath? Probably. And a knee injury.
Is there a shark lurking somewhere underneath? Probably. And a knee injury.

Deeply flawed, recently published scientific study wrongly declares, “When compared to other extreme sports, surfing seems relatively safe!”

Dangerous evidence ignored.

I am not what would be called a “science skeptic” but I certainly don’t weight the “boring arts” as heavily as some others. This world, this universe contains secrets far larger than the human mind and the human mind is fallible. Mistakes made. Data measured wrong or the importance of that data misapplied. Take the simple egg, for instance. For years we were told to only eat the white part. Now, thanks to recent discoveries, we know the yellow is where all the hot action is.

And if scientists can mess up the simple egg, they can certainly misapply figures regarding our favorite pastime. A recent study in the online academic journal Sports Health looked, for the first time broadly, at surfing related injuries and the relative damage they cause. Shall we put on our Thinking Caps, bifocals and tweed jackets to examine? It’ll be worth doing so purely for the natty look we shall achieve.

Harry “Tate” Greditzer, MD, a radiologist at HSS and avid surfer himself, launched a study to determine the kinds of orthopedic injuries a recreational surfer might sustain and how often he or she required surgery. “The primary purpose of the study was to characterize MRI patterns of acute surfing-related injury at HSS, an urban musculoskeletal hospital,” Dr. Greditzer said. “Secondarily, the purpose was to report the proportion of those injuries that required orthopedic surgical intervention.”

The search yielded 109 patients with surfing-related injuries who had MRIs. A total of 90 patients came to HSS within six months of their injury and were included in the final analysis. The median age was 36, with patients ranging in age from 12 to 66. Three-quarters of the patients were male.

Acute surfing injuries were diagnosed with an MRI in 72% of study patients. The following injuries were reported:

Shoulder: 46% of surfing injuries

Knee: 28%

Foot or ankle: 9%

Spine: 6%

Elbow: 6%

Other (rib fracture; muscle strain or muscle laceration): 5%

“When compared to other extreme sports, surfing seems relatively safe,” said Dr. Greditzer. “However, it’s important to keep in mind that our study looked at recreational surfers. We did not include professional surfers, so the patients in our study were not able to generate as much speed, get barreled, or launch into the air like a professional or amateur can, where the potential for injury is much higher.”

Now, I’m sure Dr. Greditzer is a brilliant man and did not mean to be misguided but he left out a giant category and an even larger sub-category. Shark attacks and debilitating fear from being attacked by a shark. I have had a shoulder injury, had it surgered and know the pain but it is nothing like getting eaten whole and, from the looks of our recent shark-pocalypse not as likely. I would put “shark eating” above “shoulder” and when debilitating fear is factored in… Well, I would simply like to see this study re-done.

Also, I don’t see “decapitation due SUP foil” anywhere on the list.

Kelly Slater and John John Florence. who spent most of his time at the pool looking at yachts in catalogues, at 2018's Founder's Cup. | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Persistent rumour: KSWaveCo to shutter Solana Beach HQ at end of year; mass staff lay-offs; Florida pool cancelled due to cost overruns!

Safety, marketing, finance and construction workers sacked, new lease-holder sought for HQ…

Two months back, Chas Smith loosed the rumour that Surf Ranch was going to be shuttered at the end of 2019 and that the Freshwater Pro would become nothing more than a historical curio.

Shortly after that story appeared, the WSL responded with a rare statement, 

“The Surf Ranch Lemoore facility continues to invest in new staff and experiences and the WSL is excited about the venue’s potential in 2020 and beyond.”

And, five days ago, the WSL confirmed the Freshwater Pro’s appearance on the 2020 schedule, putting an electric tremor in the pit of at least one surf writer. 

And, yet…yet…

From our source in Solana Beach, he, or maybe it’s a she, can’t be sure from the name, says the lay-offs are already happening, the company shedding around fifty-percent of its staff from finance, safety, marketing and construction. Staff have been informed, he/she said, and will work until the end of year with two months of severance pay for most.

Other news: the KSWaveCo built Lemoore for fifteen-million dollars and the now cancelled KSWaveCo pool that was going to be built on thirty-acres the WSL had bought for six-and-a-half mill in Orlando was shelved not because of “extremely high water table” but because of cost overruns.

A predicted eighty-to-hundred-mill build was a little too hot even for a billionaire investor.

But, let’s be clear, here, rumours.

The KSWaveCo, which doesn’t list a telephone number on its website, was contacted via email for comment. Crickets, as they say, thus far.

Longtom: “The Freshwater Pro is cruel and unusual punishment and I refuse to cover it!”

We don't get paid a hundred grand for losing all year. We slug it out for peanuts for our own personal satisfaction and to give the People a free buzz without being slathered in bullshit.

Since Cote and Patty O dropped the 2020 tour schedule last week that initial feeling of disappointment has been morphing into a conflagration of quiet fury within me.

It feels like I swallowed a whole blue agave plant and it’s fermenting inside me.

But what could I do? I can’t bake cakes like Chas, can’t register my anger via posting on their Facebook page because it’s all fulled up with disgruntled fans.

One thing I can do is boycott Surf Ranch.

Like you, like Chas, I thought I wouldn’t have too. High-level informants involved in the production team were told the tub was being scrapped from next year’s Tour. Damned with faint praise by Kolohe Andino, openly mocked by Jeremy Flores, universally panned as a doomed experiment by surf fans the Tub should have retreated back to its by now natural niche: as a novelty venue for things like Founders Cup and a high-priced corpo retreat.

It ain’t a championship Tour stop. Especially one now stretched out over six days. That’s cruel and unusual punishment and I refuse to cover it.

Will that make a difference to WSL. No. Should it? Probably not.

But no-one on this planet has devoted more time to watching and writing about pro surfing in the last twenty-four months than me.

Every heat. Every location. Over a hundred thousand words.

Thats a four-hundred page novel in twelve-point font. Four times as long as Camus’ L’Etranger.

A guy who does it for a living, who gets paid to watch it, who needs the money, is saying no mas. That’s where your sport is at, from the perspective of those who analyse it in forensic detail and attempt to shape the narrative. Not from the point of view of trying to make the organisation look good but placing it into context, real and imagined.

You hear me Elo? Soph? Patty O?

A guy who does it for a living, who gets paid to watch it, who needs the money, is saying no mas. That’s where your sport is at, from the perspective of those who analyse it in forensic detail and attempt to shape the narrative. Not from the point of view of trying to make the organisation look good but placing it into context, real and imagined.

We don’t get paid a hundred grand for losing all year. We slug it out for peanuts for our own personal satisfaction and to give the People a free buzz without being slathered in bullshit.

You could have thrown us a bone. Yeah sure, we got G-Land, but you took away Keramas. That’s robbing Peter to pay Paul. Ulu’s would have been better, anyhow. Keep the jungle jungle. Take the Tub away and bring back Trestles, or better yet, Trestles and Cloudbreak.

For a tour with bottomless money backing it to not have Cloudbreak on Tour is a bad look. Especially after your Golden boy backed it for a three-year deal that was mysteriously reneged on after a single year.

Pro surfing breaks down into a pretty simple tripartite formula. There’s the waves, the surfers and the format.

All three need reform.

There’ll never be more than five on-fire surfers in a given year. Surrounding them with an extra thirty is just too much deadwood.

The format is being tinkered with every year. Some progress has been made, to be fair. Overlapping heats has been a huge innovation. The front end, rounds one and two, is a dud.

As for the waves, even the most superficial look at history should educate non-surfing management as to what works, what is worth investing in and what should be dumped.

Pro surfing still stands diminished from it’s capitulation at Cloudbreak in June 2012. It still requires its day of redemption and reckoning in fifteen-foot glacial blue cylinders.

Who in the current roster would go? We know John John would.

We assume Medina would.

That should be the first order of business laid down on Dirk’s desk.

Whatever it costs, whatever it takes.

I can’t watch, even for money, the dreadful predictability of pros safety surfing Surf Ranch because they could not get enough practice waves in. Can’t watch ’em squat down for that tube. I’d rather watch a VAL tube-dodging. I really would. That would be more entertaining.

I don’t know what I’ll do next September.

Maybe Derek Hynd, who has formulated a small Rebel Tour called the RAT Tour, might have something worth covering.

All’s I know is what I won’t be doing. Watching that fucking pool.

Listening to that weird industrial silence in the moments before the train leaves the station.

Will you join me in speaking truth to power and boycott the tub?

Cry is free, so is boycott.