"...an ocean predator may be lurking nearby."

The Black Death, or Bubonic Plague, first reached England’s verdant pendulum in the summer of 1348. It moved swiftly from the coast to London and by the summer of 1349 between 40% to 60% of the country’s population was buried dead in the ground. A very sad year, indeed and I imagine there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth from bereaved relatives.

The plague returned again a decade later, knocking out 20% of the population and again every five to twelve years until scientists figured out its root cause and eradicated the horror.

The English breathed easy all the way until the autumn of 2019 when an even greater terror washed up on its cold but grey but cold shore.

The Great White Death. The shark-pocalypse. The probable end of surfing and surf culture worldwide and nothing, not even the writhing in pain, bleeding from mouth, gangrene-inducing Black Death can hold a candle to this new outbreak. The closest a Great White has ever come to England, before now, was a good two-hundred miles off the British soil in the Bay of Biscay and that was in 1977.

Oh don’t have to take my word for it. Newsweek also knows the truth and let us turn there immediately.

A dolphin carcass that appeared to be missing large portions of its body washed up on a British beach this week, sparking fears than an ocean predator may be lurking nearby.

Images of the remains, which were found at Harlyn Bay in Cornwall, were posted to Facebook by a local environmental group called Beach Guardian CIC on Tuesday. In the pictures, the mammal appeared to be missing chunks of its bottom half and many of its bones were visible.

Rob Stevenson, who works at Beach Guardian, did not speculate on how it died, but told Cornwall Live that residents should be careful around the remains.

The Shark Trust, a U.K. conservation group, says over 40 species of shark have been spotted off the British coast, with at least 21 species living in the waters all year round. Species include the Thresher, Nursehound, Porbeagle and Tope and Basking, Blue and Shortfin Mako.

The white shark is not one of them, at least not yet.

“At least not yet” is one of the most ominous phrases in our language. That and having to be careful around the dolphin’s remains. Do you think the “lurking ocean predator” is crafting a new, deadly bubonic-type illness?

More as the story develops.

Dangerous evidence ignored.

I am not what would be called a “science skeptic” but I certainly don’t weight the “boring arts” as heavily as some others. This world, this universe contains secrets far larger than the human mind and the human mind is fallible. Mistakes made. Data measured wrong or the importance of that data misapplied. Take the simple egg, for instance. For years we were told to only eat the white part. Now, thanks to recent discoveries, we know the yellow is where all the hot action is.

And if scientists can mess up the simple egg, they can certainly misapply figures regarding our favorite pastime. A recent study in the online academic journal Sports Health looked, for the first time broadly, at surfing related injuries and the relative damage they cause. Shall we put on our Thinking Caps, bifocals and tweed jackets to examine? It’ll be worth doing so purely for the natty look we shall achieve.

Harry “Tate” Greditzer, MD, a radiologist at HSS and avid surfer himself, launched a study to determine the kinds of orthopedic injuries a recreational surfer might sustain and how often he or she required surgery. “The primary purpose of the study was to characterize MRI patterns of acute surfing-related injury at HSS, an urban musculoskeletal hospital,” Dr. Greditzer said. “Secondarily, the purpose was to report the proportion of those injuries that required orthopedic surgical intervention.”

The search yielded 109 patients with surfing-related injuries who had MRIs. A total of 90 patients came to HSS within six months of their injury and were included in the final analysis. The median age was 36, with patients ranging in age from 12 to 66. Three-quarters of the patients were male.

Acute surfing injuries were diagnosed with an MRI in 72% of study patients. The following injuries were reported:

Shoulder: 46% of surfing injuries

Knee: 28%

Foot or ankle: 9%

Spine: 6%

Elbow: 6%

Other (rib fracture; muscle strain or muscle laceration): 5%

“When compared to other extreme sports, surfing seems relatively safe,” said Dr. Greditzer. “However, it’s important to keep in mind that our study looked at recreational surfers. We did not include professional surfers, so the patients in our study were not able to generate as much speed, get barreled, or launch into the air like a professional or amateur can, where the potential for injury is much higher.”

Now, I’m sure Dr. Greditzer is a brilliant man and did not mean to be misguided but he left out a giant category and an even larger sub-category. Shark attacks and debilitating fear from being attacked by a shark. I have had a shoulder injury, had it surgered and know the pain but it is nothing like getting eaten whole and, from the looks of our recent shark-pocalypse not as likely. I would put “shark eating” above “shoulder” and when debilitating fear is factored in… Well, I would simply like to see this study re-done.

Also, I don’t see “decapitation due SUP foil” anywhere on the list.

Or, on becoming a god.

As previously declared, I am currently in New Smyrna Beach, Florida and for those not familiar with America’s naughty li’l dangler it is an hour and a half drive from Jacksonville to the north, a three and a half hour from Miami to the south, next to Daytona Beach where mustache men drive souped up sedans in one large circle 500 times.

Two days ago, I surfed very fun waves in trunks and felt good. The water was warm, the air was warm and even though the lineup was plenty crowded it didn’t feel that way. Many peaks. Much spread. Little ego. It was one of the most enjoyable surfs I’ve had in weeks.

Yesterday there was bad wind and not waves but it was Saturday and the number 1 college football team in the country was playing the number 2 college football team in the country, both of which happen to be in the SEC or Southeastern Conference. Now, those who care about such things know that the SEC dominates the college football conversation and to be in Florida, which also happens to have a team in the SEC, during a potentially historic game felt fated. I wandered through town to a sports bar, pulled out a stool, ate chicken wings, drank vodka soda with a twist of lime and only received slight frowns from the otherwise friendly locals for that second choice.

Did you know they call vodka sodas “skinny bitches” in Denmark?

Watching LSU throttle Alabama surrounded by southerners was a culturally rich experience. Fulfilling. There was a man who cheered loudly and had a long braided beard that he paired with a Trump 2020 hunting cap. A couple that looked fourteen but must have been twenty-one in matching shirts that read “Let’s get slothed” featuring a stoned sloth. A grandma who cursed Alabama like a sailor. A bartender who insisted on shouting “Roll Tide” in her weathered face. Smiles and backslaps. Groans and hollers but it was as if everyone was family.

Then last night, under the stars at the Florida Surf Film Festival, the very best surf film festival in the entire world, I chatted with Shea Lopez about outwitting Surfline, flying down to Puerto Rico before breakfast, surfing all day and being home for dinner and the all to easy plus plentiful plus short routes to Central America.

Hunter Martinez’s Lost in Thought played in the background, a fine film, and I thought to myself, “Some places are better than others to be a surfer and between fun warm waves, easy flights to funner warmer waves, college football, chicken wings and only slight frowns from otherwise friendly locals for being a skinny bitch, central Florida is that place.”