Blood feud: Woke longboarder challenges inclusivity bona fides of Australia’s first-ever public wave tank!

"Here is a woman making an enquiry about the types of surfing and female representation and you see that as an opportunity to attack her and take the piss out of minorities."

In a little over a week, the doors will be officially opened to Australia’s first public wave tank, a thirty-minute walk or two-minute drive from Melbourne airport.

The $A79-an-hour tariff  at Urbnsurf ($US55) compares favourably to Waco’s American Wave Machines tank at $A128 ($US90) although you will be sharing the little take-off with seventeen other shredders.

A series of closed sessions with high-profile surfers at the yet-to-be-completed venue has created a fantastic excitement. Most sessions listed on the site are full or almost full.

Not everyone is happy, however, especially when it was revealed two white male movie stars with strong faces and bodies like one of those Greek heroes, Australians who’ve made their names in Hollywood playing the sort of characters that repel and attract women in equal measure, had enjoyed a “mammoth ten-hour session.”

Woke longboarder Niamh Reilly (@_niamhre), no relation, writes on Urbnsurf’s IG, “I’ve seen very little longboard action on any of your advertising… I know you named the intermediate waves for ‘long boarding’, but so far it seems like an after thought. Any plans to show some alternative surfing ? Or is it just for shortboarders – and men? Where are the lady surfers.”

A cursory glance at promotional material associated with the tank reveals longboarders (Ben Considine, Harley Ingleby), girls (Tyler Wright, Sally Fitz, Nikki Van Dijk) and beginners sloshing around, the whole dazzling surf utopia, although Bristol did top Urbnsurf with a guy doing 360s on the shore in a wheelchair and a kid with no arms or legs.

The thread exploded into life, a rollercoaster of sparkling comedy.

Fabiano Teles, @greencandleoz, writes, “I agree with you. I’m here to represent gay & lesbian midget kaiak surfers. You are complaining that there’s not enough footage of women on longboards but I haven’t seen a single wave of a GLBTYZMD riding mini kayaks. Would you join my cause?”

Niamh Reilly shot back, “lol, no surprises or new material from the meat head bro club.”

Fabiano: “Don’t forget evil men on shortboards represent 80% of their target market and will keep the place up and running with their dirty $ so you can also also enjoy it with freedom and equality.”

Breakdancer Bradly Harrison aka @break.yogi, “@_niamhre literally, all you had to do was click on their IG page and scroll down 🤷🏼‍♂️ plenty of long boarders and woman.”

Fabiano: “They are pre-programmed to complain and attack “the enemy” first, without even checking and they think they are original and creative.”

And so on, until the riposte from @thelovesupreme:

“Here is a woman making an enquiry about the types of surfing and female representation and you see that as an opportunity to attack her and take the piss out of minorities. I really hope you won’t be an urban surf regular, that’ll be a sure fire way of keeping the women away.”

Men, repulsive like toads and especially so when sexually animated.

True, yes?