Blood feud: Woke longboarder challenges
inclusivity bona fides of Australia’s first-ever public wave
tank!
By Derek Rielly
"Here is a woman making an enquiry about the types
of surfing and female representation and you see that as an
opportunity to attack her and take the piss out of minorities."
In a little over a week, the doors will be officially
opened to Australia’s first public wave tank, a
thirty-minute walk or two-minute drive from Melbourne airport.
The $A79-an-hour tariff at Urbnsurf ($US55) compares
favourably to Waco’s American Wave Machines tank at $A128 ($US90)
although you will be sharing the little take-off with seventeen
other shredders.
A series of closed sessions with high-profile surfers at the
yet-to-be-completed venue has created a fantastic excitement. Most
sessions listed on the site are full or almost full.
Not everyone is happy, however, especially when it was revealed
two white male movie stars with strong faces and bodies like one of
those Greek heroes, Australians who’ve made their names in
Hollywood playing the sort of characters that repel and attract
women in equal measure, had enjoyed a “mammoth ten-hour
session.”
Woke longboarder Niamh Reilly (@_niamhre), no relation, writes
on Urbnsurf’s IG, “I’ve seen very little longboard action on any of
your advertising… I know you named the intermediate waves for ‘long
boarding’, but so far it seems like an after thought. Any plans to
show some alternative surfing ? Or is it just for shortboarders –
and men? Where are the lady surfers.”
A cursory glance at promotional material associated with the
tank reveals longboarders (Ben Considine, Harley Ingleby), girls
(Tyler Wright, Sally Fitz, Nikki Van Dijk) and beginners sloshing
around, the whole dazzling surf utopia, although Bristol did top
Urbnsurf with a guy doing 360s on the shore in a wheelchair and a
kid with no arms or legs.
The thread exploded into life, a rollercoaster of sparkling
comedy.
Fabiano Teles, @greencandleoz, writes, “I agree with you. I’m
here to represent gay & lesbian midget kaiak surfers. You are
complaining that there’s not enough footage of women on longboards
but I haven’t seen a single wave of a GLBTYZMD riding mini kayaks.
Would you join my cause?”
Niamh Reilly shot back, “lol, no surprises or new material from
the meat head bro club.”
Fabiano: “Don’t forget evil men on shortboards represent 80% of
their target market and will keep the place up and running with
their dirty $ so you can also also enjoy it with freedom and
equality.”
Breakdancer Bradly Harrison aka @break.yogi, “@_niamhre literally, all
you had to do was click on their IG page and scroll down 🤷🏼♂️
plenty of long boarders and woman.”
Fabiano: “They are pre-programmed to complain and attack “the
enemy” first, without even checking and they think they are
original and creative.”
And so on, until the riposte from @thelovesupreme:
“Here is a woman making an enquiry about the types of surfing
and female representation and you see that as an opportunity to
attack her and take the piss out of minorities. I really hope you
won’t be an urban surf regular, that’ll be a sure fire way of
keeping the women away.”
Men, repulsive like toads and especially so when sexually
animated.
True, yes?
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Monster Swell: Body surfer “scolded” at
Waimea Bay, woman bloodies knee at Shark’s Cove and all hell breaks
loose on Oahu’s North Shore!
By Chas Smith
Pandemonium!
A “monster swell” arrived on Oahu’s North Shore
yesterday throwing the sometimes bucolic “country” into
absolute chaos. The sound of wailing sirens filling the air. Shell
shocked tourists running naked down the Kamehameha shrieking about
“the end.” Body surfers gone absolutely stark raving mad and
refusing to obey both signs and repeated warnings from lifeguards
to not enter the water.
Madness.
Pandemonium.
But let’s not take my word for it. Let’s breathlessly turn to
Hawaii News
Now for an “on the ground” perspective.
Ocean Safety officials said at least 30 people needed to be
rescued from Oahu’s north and west-facing shores.
A body surfer was scolded after he ignored posted signs and
repeated warnings from lifeguards at Waimea Bay and visitors
ignored the signs and the warnings from surfers who told them they
should stay on shore at Shark’s Cove.
One woman got rolled on jagged lava rocks in the tide pools
and walked away with bloody and scraped legs
“It’s been an extremely busy day. We’ve had lots of rescues.
We’ve had lifeguards performing rescues with fins, tubes and rescue
boards, the old-fashioned way and we’ve had quite a few rescues
with our rescue craft,” said lifeguard Lt. Kerry Atwood.
“I’ve never seen waves like this before. It’s just amazing
and there’s surfers out there. They’re unbelievable catching those
big waves,” said Rick Fredericks, who is visiting from
Australia.
This swell almost prompted the ‘Eddie,’ but the contest was
called off due to questions about the timing and size of the
swell.
Quickly now, do you think contest organizers will regret giving
The Eddie a red light? Telling the big wave event not to wear that
dress tonight etc.?
I do. I think they will regret it very much.
Also, any hint as to who the man man body surfer who got
“scolded” would be greatly appreciated.
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Whose world title was best: Joel, Kelly,
Mick, Adriano, John John, Gabriel or Italo?
By Karl Von Fanningstadt
Men's world titles of the decade rated…
Nothing disappoints like an unfulfilled
tease.
Last week, Chas threw out the idea that there could be an
appearance of some Top Ten listicles for the decade/year/week/day
in these pages.
In capable hands, those that can make fun while also provoking
debate, that shit heats me up!
But, yeah, since it doesn’t look like that’s coming from him or
anybody else, I decided to rank the World Titles for men for the
last decade (counting it as a one in the tens of year number,
2010-2019, rather than one to ten, 2011-2020).
10. 2012 – Joel Parkinson
After over a decade on Tour, and four second-place finishes,
Parkinson put together an uninspiring/lame enough campaign (even
Ol’ Micktory would applaud) that the powers that be at the ASP,
experiencing a down year accentuated by the void created by Dane’s
departure and sinking level of high-performance surfing, were
satisfied enough to gift him with a Lifetime Achievement Award
World Title.
I guess it’s exciting, for Joel maybe, that he was able get one,
though I can’t escape the feeling that surfing, not to mention
Parko’s legacy, would be better if he had not won it.
Think about it.
Who is a more memorable surfer, Cheyne Horan or Barton Lynch or
Damien Hardman?
Easy, Cheyne. Forever the bridesmaid, he is remembered for being
one of the greatest surfers never to win a World Title, while World
Title holder Barton is reduced to being a Golden Retriever in the
WSL booth and the only compliment anyone ever gives about two-time
Champion Damo Hardman is that he was cut-throat, not remembering
that he was actually pretty good.
Joel could’ve been the greatest surfer without a World Title,
over Taj, who, let’s be honest, with distinct weaknesses in large
lefts, Europe, and competitive strategy, had to have everything
break perfectly for him in order to win one.
The only thing to come out of Joel’s campaign is it means
there’s hope for Jordy and Julian. Maybe they can stick around long
enough to snag their own Lifetime Achievement Award Title in a down
year.
9. 2011 – Kelly Slater 8. 2010 – Kelly Slater
A dominant, thrice ascendant Kelly Slater obliterates the field
to pad his lead and earn his record tenth and eleventh World
Titles. Nothing new to learn from these years, except that Kelly is
FREAK, the only competitor with the ability to perform above his
own abilities in competition while also relying on overdeveloped
mind games and tactical abilities to manifest and prey on the
mental weaknesses of his opponents, something nobody else, save
Gabe in small stretches, has been able to do efficiently. 2010
places just above 2011 because of Dane, who finished fourth and
2010 and basically quit in 2011, taking with him a large fraction
of high-performance surfing on Tour.
7. 2019 – Italo Ferreira
A little early to tell exactly how this one shakes out and is
viewed in the future. The most exciting surfer on Tour, Italo
finally put together a good enough campaign, with the help of a
fortuitous injury and the biggest brainfart/meltdown in ages, to
take out a Title, the third different Brazilian to do so in the
last five years. Hate to tell people, but injuries are part of the
game and health is a skill, like anything else. No asterisk
necessary.
6. 2017 – John John Florence
John John’s second World Title was a display of total
domination. Despite only taking out one event, he avoided clunker
results, making the quarters or better in the contests that ended
up counting towards his total. His average heat score (15.85) was
approximately 1.70 points higher than that of the next highest
competitor (Gabe). Additionally, he was freakishly consistent,
showing the lowest variance in his performance by heat score of any
other surfer.
At the end of the year, with his performance, the Tour, and
surfing at large all firmly in his clasps (stroking his pubed chin
hair), John John looked to be in the early stages of putting up a
Kelly-like run of Titles, preemptively dashing the hopes (in the
minds) of any of the myriad of de Souza disciples (including the
ever-fervent Jordan Michael Smith, who summitted Safety Surfing’s
Peak at Trestles in the Finals) wishing to practise safe surfing
and win.
A man at his apex would not be stopped by anyone but
himself.
5. 2013 – Mick Fanning
Mick wins his third World Title to finally exceed Dooma for
number of Boring-Repetitive-Surfing-Won-By-An-Aussie World Titles.
Not yet attacked by that shark, Mick solidifies his legacy as a
winner and true Tour great, influencing surfers to care about their
health, pounding brotein shakes and hurling medicine balls. Two
titles is nice, but three mean more… the day of his clinching
marked the nine-and-a-half year anniversary of him hearing
“Portions for
Foxes” and then he cried.
4. 2018 – Gabriel Medina
After coming on strong in the second half of the season, Gabriel
Medina wins his second World Title to knot himself up with John
John, winner of the two previous seasons.
Gabriel’s season ranks this high because, despite John John’s
poor performances in the early comps and his injury, and maybe
because of them, it finally seems like surfing is on the cusp of
cultivating a rivalry for the ages between the two men, one that
could pass Andy-Kelly as surfing’s biggest, as both men are of
prime age and can duke it out over the next decade.
Gabe shuts down the haters with a masterful performance at Pipe
to take the Title and the contest.
3. 2014 – Gabriel Medina
Blitzing the competition from the year’s opening event at
Snapper, where he beat a stale, yet fun version of Parko in a
controversial decision, Gabriel held off Micktory and jumped ahead
of rival John John to take home Brazil’s first surfing Mens World
Title.
Delivering on the promise from his performance on Tour as a
rookie in the middle of 2011, when he won two events after the
mid-year cut (Bob Martyrnez was right about the mid-year cut being
stupid), Gabriel cemented his status as both a Tour force and a
certified surf villain.
Got that Title before countryman and Trail Blazer apparent, The
Lil Plumber, who many irrationally hated, could. People hated Gabby
and wanted to see him lose. Pretty good shit.
2. 2016 – John John Florence
2016 was the year of a very rare occurrence: the fulfillment of
promise from a child prodigy. Pegged since he was eight-years old
as being a “Future World Champion,” John John was finally able to
harness his otherworldly ability and produce a winning season,
destroying the competition, in turn becoming the surfing Great Man
Theorists’ messiah, here to save the industry from a complete
Brazilian, anti-style takeover.
Quite an achievement that is, but not the most important one he
accomplished with his run, that was legitimizing and solidifying
the role of coach in surfing, with Bede The Venerable providing him
a traveling companion and someone who could do whatever it is
coaches supposedly do.
Surf coaches existed before, K-Hole himself formalizing their
use when Dino hired Snips to do so, but none mattered, their status
not taken seriously, representing themselves as advice-givers
rather than full-blown, schedule making, life choice chooser
coaches.
Bede’s success, and his desire to chase points on Tour only to
be kicked off, lured Jessi Miley-Dyer(rhea) doppelgänger Ross
Williams away from the booth, taking away the best commentator, the
only one who could provide anything of value when partnered with
Mr. Shrimp-on-the BAHBIE-STEAK-and-LOIBSTAH! guy.
Fuck you, Ronnie.
1. 2015 – Adriano de Souza
No other World Title this decade has been more significant than
Adriano’s in 2015. The former Brazil’s future first World Title
holder, de Souza surfed determinedly, his performance straddling
the Mick Fanning Line, or ripping while reducing risk and never
pushing out of one’s comfort zone whatsoever but attacking sections
with authority, taking out the Title and giving every surfer on
Tour a belief in their abilities.
Every pseudo-contender saw him, with his sub-par style and
shelved air game, win and got the idea of using the ADS template.
For the next two years, safety surfing reigned supreme, peaking
with a Jordan Smith Finals appearance at Trestles in 2017 where he
never surfed above sixty percent.
Problem was, none of the surfers trying to pull this off were as
successful, many ravaged by mental weakness, unable to maintain the
level of focus required throughout the whole year, and others just
unskilled enough to do anything.
John John in ascendance the following year killed any idea that
this strategy could actually work as a way to take out a Title
(works better as a strategy for journeymen like Ace to employ in
order to just stay on Tour without bombing out), yet some, like
Jordan and Jules and Andino to an extent, still try.
This year was also notable for the exposing of the pox that is
Surf Ranch, which Kelly revealed in a video loosed after ADS won
the Title to both shit on surfing’s new champion, a man who has
annoyed him in contests, and gain some much needed attention for
himself.
The People’s Champ, ADS deserved better.
Whatever, Kellz, he took down Mick The Shark Puncher at his most
superhuman and aura-filled.
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Revealed: The United States of America is
now officially “Ground Zero” for vicious unprovoked, unwanted shark
attacks in the entire world!
By Chas Smith
A whole 50% of 'em. Don't say you weren't
warned.
But did you think it was France’s Réunion?
Australia’s western shore? Oh Canada where delightfully polite men
in toques wax on about hockey, poutine and socialized medicine? No,
no and no. These idyllic paradisos are exactly just that compared
to the vicious, apocalyptic United States where sociopathic sharks,
Great White, Tiger and Bull, feast upon the fast food fattened
flesh of nominally racist beach goers.
Don’t believe that your America, our America, is now officially
the “shark attack capital of the world?”
I wish it wasn’t so but the only place we can now turn is
Newsweek. A harbinger of 1980s truths. A throwback to when
Patrick Bateman was the most of our worries. Let’s go
there without delay. Let’s sniffle a little cocaine
(buy
here) then dive right in.
Talking to The Sydney Morning Herald, George Burgess, a
professor of ichthyology and marine biology at the University of
Florida at Gainesville, revealed the location where 50 percent of
the world’s shark attacks occur. According to Professor Burgess,
the US is the “ground zero” location for shark attacks with its
waters attracting the most deadly predators.
Using data from Professor Burgess’ International Shark
Attack File (ISAF), the definitive database of shark attacks, he
revealed the US had 32 attacks in 2018, which amounted to half of
unprovoked attacks worldwide.
He said: “The major reason more attacks are in the United
States is we’ve got a very large coastline, two coasts, and we own
some islands.
“And of course lots of people. And we are also a nation of
some wealth and means, and so we can afford to spend time at the
beach. And of course many areas of the country are heavy tourist
areas.”
And I am totally sorry. That was not from Newsweek but
rather the United Kingdom’s Express by way of
Australia.
Still, illuminating. If you live in the United States of America
then no more surfing. No more even thinking about surfing. Burn
your surfboards etc. especially if they are of the stand-up
paddleboard varietal.
Sharks are drawn toward the swish, swish, swish of a paddle.
This is the end.
My friend.
But, don’t worry, more as the story develops.
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Death’s Sting: Armada of “furious,
aggrieved” Portuguese man o’ wars surround central Florida beach
eliciting panicked warnings from officials!
By Chas Smith
"Dangerous marine life."
There was once a time when Portugal’s navy
ruled all the oceans of the earth. The tiny European nation wielded
this power by exploring far away worlds, conquering some and
destroying others, walloping competing navies while also enjoying
lightly toasted Francesinhas.
All things come to an end, though, and Portuguese naval might
faded with the invent of Great Britain. Soon there were only
aggrieved memories of what once was. The faint tang of vanished
power mingling with the smell of bacalhau a bras.
Well, breaking news from St. Augustine, Florida, the oldest
continually inhabited settlement of European origin in the United
States of America, suggest that a revival may be in the works as an
armada of “furious” man o’ wars have surrounded the city, washing
up on the beach, stinging people and forcing them to urinate all
over each other but let’s go directly to the source, to ABC’s First Coast
News for the terrifying latest.
If you are planning to celebrate the holiday break at the
beach, be careful. There have been multiple reports of Portuguese
Man O’Wars washing up along local beaches.
Photos posted on various Facebook groups showed the Man
O’Wars on St. Augustine Beach as well as Neptune Beach.
However, if you are at an isolated beach with no lifeguard
tower, there are a few ways you can treat yourself. According to
Web.com, you can stop the stinging by rinsing the area with vinegar
for at least 30 seconds.
Next, remove tentacles with a pair of tweezers and soak the
affected area in hot water for at least 20 minutes
Clean open sores three times a day and apply antibiotic
ointment. Bandage if needed.
Keep an eye on the flags that are flying at the beaches. If
it’s purple, it means “dangerous marine life” and you’re advised to
use caution when in the water.
Remove tentacles with a pair of tweezers? Clean open sores three
times a day?
Very disgusting and, I imagine, against the Geneva Conventions.
I imagine this will all be reviewed by The Hague soon.
But, quickly, have you ever paddled through a jelly whilst
surfing? Was it a Portuguese man o’ war exhibiting his
nationalistic zeal? How did it end? Did you bring up Portugal’s
failing economy in a dismissive way?