Revealed: The United States of America is now officially “Ground Zero” for vicious unprovoked, unwanted shark attacks in the entire world!

A whole 50% of 'em. Don't say you weren't warned.

But did you think it was France’s Réunion? Australia’s western shore? Oh Canada where delightfully polite men in toques wax on about hockey, poutine and socialized medicine? No, no and no. These idyllic paradisos are exactly just that compared to the vicious, apocalyptic United States where sociopathic sharks, Great White, Tiger and Bull, feast upon the fast food fattened flesh of nominally racist beach goers.

Don’t believe that your America, our America, is now officially the “shark attack capital of the world?”

I wish it wasn’t so but the only place we can now turn is Newsweek. A harbinger of 1980s truths. A throwback to when Patrick Bateman was the most of our worries. Let’s go there without delay. Let’s sniffle a little cocaine (buy here) then dive right in.

Talking to The Sydney Morning Herald, George Burgess, a professor of ichthyology and marine biology at the University of Florida at Gainesville, revealed the location where 50 percent of the world’s shark attacks occur. According to Professor Burgess, the US is the “ground zero” location for shark attacks with its waters attracting the most deadly predators.

Using data from Professor Burgess’ International Shark Attack File (ISAF), the definitive database of shark attacks, he revealed the US had 32 attacks in 2018, which amounted to half of unprovoked attacks worldwide.

He said: “The major reason more attacks are in the United States is we’ve got a very large coastline, two coasts, and we own some islands.

“And of course lots of people. And we are also a nation of some wealth and means, and so we can afford to spend time at the beach. And of course many areas of the country are heavy tourist areas.”

And I am totally sorry. That was not from Newsweek but rather the United Kingdom’s Express by way of Australia.

Still, illuminating. If you live in the United States of America then no more surfing. No more even thinking about surfing. Burn your surfboards etc. especially if they are of the stand-up paddleboard varietal.

Sharks are drawn toward the swish, swish, swish of a paddle.

This is the end.

My friend.

But, don’t worry, more as the story develops.