Gimme dem feet!
Gimme dem feet!

Revealed: The United States of America is now officially “Ground Zero” for vicious unprovoked, unwanted shark attacks in the entire world!

A whole 50% of 'em. Don't say you weren't warned.

But did you think it was France’s Réunion? Australia’s western shore? Oh Canada where delightfully polite men in toques wax on about hockey, poutine and socialized medicine? No, no and no. These idyllic paradisos are exactly just that compared to the vicious, apocalyptic United States where sociopathic sharks, Great White, Tiger and Bull, feast upon the fast food fattened flesh of nominally racist beach goers.

Don’t believe that your America, our America, is now officially the “shark attack capital of the world?”

I wish it wasn’t so but the only place we can now turn is Newsweek. A harbinger of 1980s truths. A throwback to when Patrick Bateman was the most of our worries. Let’s go there without delay. Let’s sniffle a little cocaine (buy here) then dive right in.

Talking to The Sydney Morning Herald, George Burgess, a professor of ichthyology and marine biology at the University of Florida at Gainesville, revealed the location where 50 percent of the world’s shark attacks occur. According to Professor Burgess, the US is the “ground zero” location for shark attacks with its waters attracting the most deadly predators.

Using data from Professor Burgess’ International Shark Attack File (ISAF), the definitive database of shark attacks, he revealed the US had 32 attacks in 2018, which amounted to half of unprovoked attacks worldwide.

He said: “The major reason more attacks are in the United States is we’ve got a very large coastline, two coasts, and we own some islands.

“And of course lots of people. And we are also a nation of some wealth and means, and so we can afford to spend time at the beach. And of course many areas of the country are heavy tourist areas.”

And I am totally sorry. That was not from Newsweek but rather the United Kingdom’s Express by way of Australia.

Still, illuminating. If you live in the United States of America then no more surfing. No more even thinking about surfing. Burn your surfboards etc. especially if they are of the stand-up paddleboard varietal.

Sharks are drawn toward the swish, swish, swish of a paddle.

This is the end.

My friend.

But, don’t worry, more as the story develops.

Portuguese man o' war (pictured) waxing nostalgic while terrorizing.
Portuguese man o' war (pictured) waxing nostalgic while terrorizing.

Death’s Sting: Armada of “furious, aggrieved” Portuguese man o’ wars surround central Florida beach eliciting panicked warnings from officials!

"Dangerous marine life."

There was once a time when Portugal’s navy ruled all the oceans of the earth. The tiny European nation wielded this power by exploring far away worlds, conquering some and destroying others, walloping competing navies while also enjoying lightly toasted Francesinhas.

All things come to an end, though, and Portuguese naval might faded with the invent of Great Britain. Soon there were only aggrieved memories of what once was. The faint tang of vanished power mingling with the smell of bacalhau a bras.

Well, breaking news from St. Augustine, Florida, the oldest continually inhabited settlement of European origin in the United States of America, suggest that a revival may be in the works as an armada of “furious” man o’ wars have surrounded the city, washing up on the beach, stinging people and forcing them to urinate all over each other but let’s go directly to the source, to ABC’s First Coast News for the terrifying latest.

If you are planning to celebrate the holiday break at the beach, be careful. There have been multiple reports of Portuguese Man O’Wars washing up along local beaches.

Photos posted on various Facebook groups showed the Man O’Wars on St. Augustine Beach as well as Neptune Beach.

St. Augustine, Florida (pictured) today.
St. Augustine, Florida (pictured) today.

However, if you are at an isolated beach with no lifeguard tower, there are a few ways you can treat yourself. According to, you can stop the stinging by rinsing the area with vinegar for at least 30 seconds.

Next, remove tentacles with a pair of tweezers and soak the affected area in hot water for at least 20 minutes

Clean open sores three times a day and apply antibiotic ointment. Bandage if needed.

Keep an eye on the flags that are flying at the beaches. If it’s purple, it means “dangerous marine life” and you’re advised to use caution when in the water.

Remove tentacles with a pair of tweezers? Clean open sores three times a day?

Very disgusting and, I imagine, against the Geneva Conventions. I imagine this will all be reviewed by The Hague soon.

But, quickly, have you ever paddled through a jelly whilst surfing? Was it a Portuguese man o’ war exhibiting his nationalistic zeal? How did it end? Did you bring up Portugal’s failing economy in a dismissive way?


More as the story develops.

Big Tease: The Eddie called off as expected “super swell” forecasted to arrive in the middle of the night!

But what if....

I’ll tell you what, no one, or thing, teases like The Eddie. Not Jaws, Pipeline, the notorious fickle Mundaka or Scarlet Johansson. The last time the big wave invitational ran was 2016 when a loaf of bread $1.42, a gallon of milk $3.19 and Xi Jinping was president of China. John John Florence won the day with quiet elan. The time before that was 2009 when a loaf of bread cost $1.45, a gallon of milk $2.69 and Li’l Wayne topped the music charts. Greg Long won that day and I was perched on Waimea’s beachfront amphitheater watching with my much younger eyes.

Those were the days.

But back to 2019/20, the contest was given a “yellow alert” days ago but has since been downgraded to “red” as the projected swell shall, theoretically, arrive during the unsurfable hour of midnight and let us go straight to Hawaii’s KHON news for a word from director Liam McNamara:

“Everybody’s welcome to come out to the North Shore if they want to see the big waves because it’s going to be big. It’s going to be beautiful. Probably going to have some great waves at Waimea and then Pipeline. But unfortunately, the tens and thousands of people that were going to come out for the event? They can go to work. They can enjoy their New Year’s Eve, their New Year’s Day festivities.”


A New Year’s Eve Eddie would have been something.

But back to the swell peaking at midnight, imagine if they brought some very big lights down and shined them at the waves. Imagine how wonderfully picturesque and exciting it would be to run as the year flips from 2019 to 2020.

I think we wage a very slight online pressure campaign to see if we can’t get this to happen. No bullying, mind you, just a very subtle questioning of the contest organizers’ bravery.

It ain't the swiftest piece of filmmaking ever made, the pivotal event contained within took place months ago, but as an examination of the life of a champion whose life remains a mystery, fascinating as hell.

Compelling: A behind-the-scenes examination of Gabriel Medina-Caio Ibelli world-title evaporating interference!

Old news, yes, but fascinating as a historical footnote.

You gotta love Christmas downtime.

Our fingers are allowed off the digital pulse for the briefest of windows. The world grinds to a semi-halt in the corpulent haze.

It’s a time to turn down screens and connect IRL.

So it’s odd, then, that the WSL chose to drop a film showcasing the most crucial moment of the 2019 campaign, smack in the middle of holiday season.

While you were ripping into your Chrissie presents and/or bongs, the Gabriel Medina Sound Wave episode was released.

Gabby mic’d up at the Rip Curl Meo Pro Portugal and (allegedly) uncut.

Watch here.

You won’t see no asterix ‘round here.

History is what it is. Italo won the damn thing.

But, the world title outcome coulda been a whole lot different if the Caio interference decision went the other way.

(Re-acquaint yourself with it here.)

Drama unfurled on the beach at Peniche like the sail of an Iberian galleon. Gabby and his crew were straight pissed.

The WSL was steadfast in its avoidance of the controversy beyond an official statement.

An opportunity to put human emotion on centre stage, raw and honest and true, was sidestepped.

Reach and engagement, the twin pillars of E-Lo’s content strategy, went begging.

Until now.

But given the timing – this mid-holiday, post-title dead zone – it’s about as meaningful as a Christmas card in July.

Like, it’s still interesting.

No individual other than R.K. Slater is able to capture attention or clicks like Gabe.

And, unlike the open book approach Kelly takes to public life, Medina is still as mysterious to us as the giant squid. His life outside comp appearances is rarely documented, especially in the English-speaking press.

The opportunity to dive alongside him is a pure treat.

The video itself?

It’s a well edited, well-paced production. Heaps less weird than Kelly’s.

Ever wonder what Charlie’s actual role is? Training? Tactics? Moral support? Waterboy?

It seems like a bit of everything.

But, the whole thing now ranks as nothing more than a footnote. On this, the other side of the 2019 world title race, every heat is ancient history.

And, despite a genuinely interesting peek at the inner machinations of the Commissioner’s camp, don’t expect to learn anything new about the altercation.

The world still spins.

The WSL bumbles along.

Producing, as Longtom said, brilliance in spite of itself.

Great White (pictured) lurking menacingly.
Great White (pictured) lurking menacingly.

Apocalypse Now: “Flurry of horrifying aerial shots” featuring “aggressively curious” Great White sharks force mass beach closures in Australia!

Happy New Year!

You may, or may not, be aware, American and European friends, that Australia is in the southern hemisphere thus experiencing “summer” while the rest of us shiver while sipping various hot chocolates and/or toddys. And this Australian summer is breaking all records with regards to heat. It is so hot that fire hydrants are chasing dogs. It is so hot that the birds are using potholders to pull worms out the ground. It is so hot that Satan himself has moved from down down under to simply down under.

All anyone wants to do is take a nice refreshing dip in the still almost cool ocean. To be able to go for a wonderful New Year’s Eve surf.

Well, the bastards of the deep, prehistoric apex predators, heartless sociopathic Great White sharks have decided this is the moment to hover, aggressively curious, right off of New South Wales’ typically idyllic shore and let’s wince while heading to an Australian news site. Let’s recoil, slightly, in terror.

At least three beaches have been evacuated at Shoalhaven on the NSW South Coast following a flurry of shark sightings.

The state government’s SharkSmart website posted horrifying aerial shots of Great White sharks — including one showing a pair of surfers paddling uncomfortably close to a 2.5m great white.

Shark from aerial shot pictured from the water.
Shark from aerial shot pictured from the water.

The close call was recorded at Berrara Beach at 12.47pm today. The beach was evacuated and authorities notified following the sighting.

The creatures have forced the closure of two other beaches in the area, including Bherwerre, where a 3m Great White was photographed off shore at 12.44pm and Cudmirrah Beach, where a 2.5m great white was sighted at 12.45pm.

And I know we should all be selling our boards in order to take up the trending new hiking but couldn’t the monsters have given Australians through their own winter (our summer)?

Couldn’t they have at least waiting a few more months to usher in the official end?

Great Whites are deeply morally corrupt.

Possibly even morally bankrupt.