It's a bird! It's a plane! It's McLovin!
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's McLovin!

Salvation from Above: Two portly swimmers snatched from open jaw of vicious Great White shark by “McLovin doppelgänger” drone operator!

Don't look now...

Though do you remember when you were a young child and imagined monsters hiding under the bed, waiting to reach out and grab your tender ankles? Wanting for your parents to turn out the lights then for you to have to use the toilet so badly, so painfully, that further delay was simply out of the question then…


Snag your dainty astragalus and pull you down to Helm’s Deep?

It turns out they were true, real, for it was revealed, just today, that for every shark we see in the water there are up to 100 more circling hungrily, viciously, menacingly below.

Is your blood running cold?

It should be but here, let us turn down the temperature even more by reading from Australia’s esteemed 7News. Let us look helm right in the face.

A drone has captured the moment a shark came within metres of two oblivious swimmers off Main Beach at Forster in New South Wales.

Bystanders rushed to alert the pair of the close encounter – with what is believed to be a 2.5m Great White Shark – but experts say encounters like this are more common than you might think.

“For every one shark that you see, there might be 10 or 100 sharks that see you,” Rob Townsend from SeaLife Sydney told 7NEWS.

“You just don’t realise because they’re not mindless killers.

Which makes matters that very much worse. Sharks, especially Great Whites, are mindful killers brimming with knowledge, tactics, intelligence and savvy. They are maniacal, sociopathic…

…there and in greater numbers than we ever supposed, ever even imagined.

But let us also learn more about this brave drone operator, this true guardian angel.

Cameron Grace, 17, was flying his drone while holidaying with family in the area when he spotted the beast on his camera.

The teenager was horrified at seeing the eerie footage and sent his aunt Rachel Walter sprinting to the beach to warn the swimmers of the imminent danger.

‘I got into the water and I waved for the two boys to get out. They were completely oblivious.’

Oh it is wonderful that this story had a happy ending but shall we gaze upon the savior? Upon the boy named so poetically Cameron Grace?

The spitting image of McLovin from Superbad no?

More as the story develops.

Act Fast: Buy tickets today for surfing’s Olympic debut in the 2020 Tokyo Games for the unbelievably low price of $4,500 each!

Deals like this don't last long!

The early bird gets the worm, so they say, and that aphorism has never been more true than it is in our digital age. But how many times have you seen something incredible on Ebay, say, or Barney’s Warehouse (RIP) that you just had to have… but the price… but the hmmmmm… and do I really want it… and while you paused off it flew to someone with a quicker trigger finger? A more thoroughly robust spirit?

Very many times and heartbreaking each.

Well, with surfing’s Olympic debut in the 2020 Tokyo Games just months away it is best we not sleep on tickets for today they have gone on sale and by sale I mean $4500 per for the medal rounds, $2250 for the quarters and semis. $2250 also for the first rounds.

The hot tip was sent through by Jack English, surf photographer most famous for our Cryin’ Jordy who owns the fine brand Sea of Seven, and he must have purchased his own Olympic surfing tickets already to be so brazen with this sharing but whatever the case we all now stand to win.

Except, quick question, what is the over/under on how much tickets will be available for day of?

An even $5000?


Very exciting. Possibly an investment opportunity.

Buy here. 

"I rode a wave every set, save a set I missed when my legrope snapped on the right. Three times I rode two waves in a set, for a total of 42 waves in the two hours. About what Ricardo Christie rode in an entire year on the CT." Longtom prises open the right.

Longtom surfs Melbourne tank: “Each wave was strangely unsatisfying but taken as a whole: mad, weird fun!”

People will pay for sex. The question of whether they will pay for waves has now been answered emphatically in the affirmative.

The way I see it there’s really only three ways a gal can swing on the question of wavepools, at this juncture Jan, 2020.

There’s the all-out frothers, the curious (those for whom the Voltaire saying, “Once a philosopher, twice a pervert” applies) and the purists who’d like to nuke the tubs out of existence.

My tendency has been towards the latter position, but I left that guy at home for my one day, fly-in, fly-out mission to Melbourne Urbnsurf.

Being the last surf writer into the tub is a strange place to be.

Vision of the last swingers party there did not look inviting. I thought, yuck! The thought of all that throbbing surf gristle made me feel self-conscious and claustrophobic. I ain’t a herd animal, like to do my own thing in my own time.

Nonetheless, when a pal invited me along for a true FIFO punter experience it had to be done.

Being a regional deadshit, it was a trip of firsts.

First Uber ride, first duck parfait with mustard fruits on doughnut (velvety mouth feel, slightly bitter). The Chinese driver wore a face mask to pick us up from our Melbourne renoed terrace digs. Thick haze carpeted the city, officially the worst air quality on Earth.

If you cocked your head just the right way you could smell a million cooked koalas in the bushfire smoke.

Based on advice from others and the desire of my travel companions to not schlep boards through the city I hired a board from the facility. A well-manicured youth with impeccable teeth and a man bun from Toronto Canada aided this process.

Fifteen dollars for two hours. I chose a Hayden Shapes Holy Grail. My pals: a JS Nitro, Pyzel Astro Pop and Hypto Krypto.

All shortish, with generous asses and epoxy. Also recommended.

The take-off, wedged into a concrete corner, against the wall is stressful and hectic, but easily mastered. We started on the right, one hour. Intermediate mode. The first few waves were frustrating and weird. You can’t pump for speed, go faster than what the wave dictates. The power pocket is small.

“I’m going to get hold of you,” I thought, “and give you a good kicking.”

But I could not get hold of it.

Then I thought, “I’m bored, I’m done.”

I tried to remember what I’d learnt from the surf improvement and what I was doing wrong. I was trying to keep Derek Rielly’s recommendations in mind, trying to maintain my critical faculties when, in the relentless rush of waves, I was swept away in wavepool froth.

My mind went blank, I started jack-hammering away like an old priapic billy goat.

The siren sounded, we swapped sides.

The Holy Grail felt weird on the right, much better on the left.

Each wave was strangely unsatisfying but taken as a whole: mad, weird fun.

There was a dozen in our group. A dozen waves per set.

Twenty sets in an hour.

I rode a wave every set, save a set I missed when my legrope snapped on the right. Three times I rode two waves in a set, for a total of 42 waves in the two hours.

About what Ricardo Christie rode in an entire year on the CT.

People will pay for sex.

The question of whether they will pay for waves has now been answered emphatically in the affirmative.

The joint was packed.

Apart from our young female surf guide? Surf marshall?, I did not see a female paying customer.

Maybe gals do not want to pay for waves.

According to our marshall, rapid hierarchies form and snakeing can happen, even in the so-called democratisation of an artificial line-up where the dollar value of a wave makes everyone equal.

It’s quite easy to kick out early and get to the head of the line for one of the first three waves, which are cleanest. Gaming the system will be a common tactic in an eighteen-man lineup with twelve-wave sets.

The other question: will wavepool skills translate to the ocean, either via beginners developing proficiency or intermediates building skill sets is harder to answer.

It’s a helluva work-out.

Much more paddling than I expected and the use of rip and tight take-off zone is a decent simulacrum of various reefbreaks. There’s not much room for personal style or prettiness on the wave.

It happens quickly, is over quickly.

No one skill building in a pool is gunna come out looking like Joel Parkinson.

I guess that’s a qualified yes.

Straight out of Tullamarine on the Jetstar 464 to Ballina. Woken by the hostie as the wings dip over Lennox Point. The lines are stacked end to end across the Point. In the ensuing froth I left my voluminous notebook with thousands of words of detailed notes onboard.

Fifteen minutes to my pal’s place, on the end of one and then back out at the Point.

It’s cranking somewhere between intermediate and advanced setting, double-overhead sets. Dolphins careering through the line-up, a carnival atmosphere. Nature at its finest etc etc.

Three hours later, I got the fifty up, was so exhausted coming in I got pinballed through the rock garden and bruised up like a hanging meat carcass.

The tub and your local firing in a single day.

Might as well call it a fully cooked surf turkey.

Would I do it again?

It’s too damn easy, too anti-depressive and too much damn fun to rule out.

Resistance seems futile.

Building that thing at the airport was a stroke of genius from Andrew Ross.

A 24-hour FIFO surf trip to an artificial wave is the future, right now.

Gimme dem feet.
Gimme dem feet.

Troubling: North Carolina surfer in prime of his life viciously mauled and hideously disfigured by shark displaying “creepy, fetishistic” tendencies!

Not for the queasy.

And I wish this wasn’t true, truly I do, but as I near the end of my graduate degree in oceanic studies with an emphasis on shark behaviors there are trends that I simply cannot ignore. Namely that sharks, Great White, Tiger and Bull, attack male feet at an extremely disproportionate rate.

A rate that suggests some profoundly disturbing, creepy, fetishistic and very likely perverted tendencies.

Most recently a male surfer had his foot viciously mauled and hideously disfigured by a shark while surfing North Carolina’s Outer Banks and let’s hurry to the local ABC affiliate for this latest, sickening incident.

A North Carolina man taking advantage of unseasonably warm weather was bitten by a shark while surfing off the coast Monday afternoon, according to a chief beach ranger.

A 26-year-old was taken to the Outer Banks Hospital about 2:30 p.m. with injuries that weren’t considered life-threatening, Boone Vandzura, chief ranger with Cape Hatteras National Seashore, said.

The bite victim was identified as Samuel Horne from Manteo, his cousin Justin Copeland told The Virginian-Pilot. Horne was paddling in the surf near Sudie Payne Road in Rodanthe when he was bitten on the foot, Vandzura said. He will need stitches or staples to repair the injury, Copeland noted.

Copeland said he and Horne have surfed for years on the Outer Banks without getting bit and had never spotted a shark during the winter months. The water was about 60 degrees (15.5 degrees Celsius) on Monday, temperatures more in line with early summer than January, he added.

A helpful friend sent me an image from the scene and examine here.

What was once a very fine foot, toes well-ordered, toenails trimmed, not strange outliers like long middle toe or bulbous big toe, no bizarre yoga spacing, etc. is now a disgusting mess. It is very likely that its 26-7ear-old owner, Samuel Horne, will be forced to wear socks while being intimate for the rest of his life.

Very sad.

More as the story develops.

I've got friends in high places!
I've got friends in high places!

Breaking: Oprah Winfrey’s one-time advisor and confidant Erik “ELo” Logan becomes World Surf League’s new Chief Executive in “bloodless coup!”

The Power of Now!

Today, January 14, 2o20 might be my favorite day in not only my life but also the history of the world. Yes, a man ate a baby dolphin on Laguna Beach and yes a Kansas husband has requested “trial by combat” with Japanese swords in order to settle a custody battle with his ex-wife.

But those two pale in comparison to the earthquake shaking Santa Monica’s streets for it is there that the announcement was just loosed.

One-time President of Content, Media and Studios Erik “ELo” Logan has become the World Surf League’s Chief Executive Officer, vanquishing Sophie Goldschmidt in a bloodless coup.

Let’s read the press release together while I fasten my apron.

LOS ANGELES, California (Tuesday, January 14, 2020) – The World Surf League (WSL) today announced that Chief Executive Officer Sophie Goldschmidt will be stepping down from her post and that WSL’s President of Content, Media and Studios Erik Logan has been named as CEO, effective this week.

“Sophie has had a huge impact on the WSL. She is responsible for transforming both our business capabilities and culture in her tenure as CEO,” Dirk Ziff, WSL Owner and Board Member, said. “With the converging trends in sports, media and entertainment, we mutually agreed it was time to make a change. Erik Logan is a proven leader and a world-class media executive with a profound personal connection to the sport of surfing. We are excited about what he will accomplish as CEO. We will always be grateful to Sophie for her contributions to surfing and we look forward to the WSL’s next chapter.”

Goldschmidt, who took on the CEO role in 2017, led the transformation of the WSL’s organizational structure, refocusing the business with an emphasis on the opportunity around the sport and lifestyle of surfing. During her tenure, she led the institution of equal prize money across men’s and women’s surfing, negotiated a historic 10-year surfer agreement, secured the first-of-its-kind Facebook partnership and unprecedented levels of linear and digital distribution. She also delivered the first-ever competitive events at Surf Ranch (the WSL’s wave technology facility), relaunched the organization’s ocean health advocacy program WSL PURE, significantly raised the WSL’s profile globally and built a dynamic new leadership team.

“It’s been a privilege to collaborate with the caliber of colleagues, athletes, partners and communities around the world that I have during my time at the WSL,” Goldschmidt said. “Surfing is unique, captivating and inspiring and leading the WSL has been a professional highlight for me.”

“With the WSL now ready to become a more focused content and media company, the Board and I have mutually agreed it is the right time to make a change,” Goldschmidt said. “Having worked closely with Erik, he is the right person to lead the WSL into its next era. I am excited about what lies ahead for the organization.”

Following the transition, Goldschmidt will continue to help the company and join its Advisory Board.

Logan, who previously served as President of the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) and Executive Vice President at Harpo Studios, has operated as the WSL’s President of Content, Media and Studios since February 2019, revamping the organization’s live broadcasts, leading the development of off-platform content including its first non-scripted TV series, in partnership with ABC, Ultimate Surfer (airing Summer 2020), as well as 24/7: Kelly Slater on HBO. In his role as WSL CEO, Logan will utilize his decades of international business and media experience to continue to transform the WSL into a world-class live events, experiences and media company.

“The World Surf League is the most exciting, inspiring and promising opportunity I have ever encountered,” Logan said. “The power of the organization’s platform, the history of championing the world’s best surfers, the global fan base and the opportunity to accelerate the WSL as an international sport and media powerhouse is absolutely incredible.”

“Surfing is powerful. As someone who came to it later in life, I personally understand the impact surfing can have on individuals, communities and the world at large,” Logan continued. “To be able to lead world-class people at the WSL and combine my professional and personal passions is a dream come true.”

I’m having a full blown heart attack combined with an aneurysm.

Ohhhhhh this coming season is going to be the very, very, very best ever.

Off to the hospital I go!