Kelly Slater: “I’m personally excited to create a new wave that will be a stand alone design that nowhere else in the world has!”

Back to the drawing board!

If there is one thing that the world’s biggest surf adjacent website does better than any, it’s kicking a dead horse. Kick, kick, kick. And yesterday’s announcement by famous surfer and noted philanthropist* Kelly Slater is laying there, bloated in the desert. And there I stand so happy, so overjoyed, kick, kick, kicking.

The angles covered thus far: Kelly Slater is building a wave tank that features homes, a hotel and multiple dining venues. Kalani Robb and Cheyne Mag announced theirs a year ago in the already existing Wet n Wild. The Hobgoods, Josh Kerr and Shane Beschen announced a new Wavegarden months ago. CJ Hobgood taunted Kelly.

The angles yet to cover: Dirk Ziff’s relationship with Michael B. Schwab and various levels of jealousy as to who is better friends with Kelly Slater, how Shane Beschen got the invite into the Hobgood x Kerr duo, what sort of food will be served at Kelly Slater’s “multiple dining venues,” how the flood of surfers will mesh with Palm Spring’s exiting lesbian community, pricing, Kelly Slater’s teased “new wave, stand alone design, seen nowhere in the world.

Whoa!

Can we unpack** that last one?

Let’s read the entire quote, in full, once again, paying attention to each and every word.

“We’re excited to make another KSWaveCo design and I’m personally excited to create a new wave that will be a stand alone design that nowhere else in the world has. This can become the blueprint for new developments around waves and surf parks going forward and is in line with some of my original ideas from when we started this project.”

Ok.

So.

Surf Ranch, there in Lemoore, was built as a test facility, no? The probable future. Does the fact that Kelly Slater and co. are designing a new wave, a stand alone design, nowhere else in the world, “in line” with some of his “original ideas” strike you as wild?

Famous commenter and noted champion of disabled surfers Negatron mentioned in yesterday’s discussion “No way it’ll be a train running down a straight line.”

But what will it be?

What can it be?

And does this whole thing mean that Surf Ranch was a failure?

Or was Surf Ranch a red herring?

Will the Webber Wave Pool finally be unveiled except with the name “Webber” scribbled out and “Kelly Slater” written over top?

Help!

* It is unknown if Kelly Slater has ever given money to charity.

** Do you like when “unpack” is used in this context?