Surfing stripped from inaugural “World Beach Games” as Arab hosts prove themselves “brilliant” and “tactical!”

By Chas Smith

5 years ago

Shocking. Stunning.

In a shocking reveal it was announced today by the Association of National Olympic Committees and International Surfing Association that surfing will not be included in the inaugural World Beach Games in Doha, Qatar just months ahead of its inaugural appearance in the Tokyo 2020 Olympiad.

Much like Japan in July, Doha has absolutely zero waves.

The World Beach Games were originally set to launch in San Diego in 2017 and include surfing alongside basketball, beach soccer, handball, karate, sailing, skateboarding, sport climbing, swimming, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, water skiing and wrestling.

Extremely beach.

In a stunning blow, San Diego’s organizers were unable to raise the necessary funds to hold the Games and punted to 2019 at which point they failed again and Qatar stepped in.

Basketball, beach soccer, handball, karate, sailing, skateboarding, sport climbing, swimming, tennis, triathlon, volleyball, water skiing and wrestling will still be included.

The International Surfing Association’s president was hoping the surfing discipline could still be held in San Diego but those were recently dashed though he remains committed to future of the World Beach Games with “full support” etc.

Across the globe in Doha, Khaleejis celebrated surfing’s exclusion by doing donuts on their entirely flat beach in Maybachs and Lamborghinis.

They will be honored by serious surfers the world over as brilliant and tactical.

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Enjoy a magical life at 59-155 Ke Nui Rd, Sunset Beach, listed for $US2,495,000. Photo courtesy Karin and Meme Moody

Buy: Surf Star’s Beachfront House that was almost lost to the Pacific six years ago for $US2.5 million!

By Derek Rielly

5 years ago

"This home and neighborhood hold the keys to an adventurous future on the North Shore of Oahu."

If you’re shopping for a beachfront house on the North Shore, you’ll find it hard to go past former rookie of the year Freddie Patacchia Jnr’s pretty yellow joint at 59-155 Ke Nui Rd, Sunset, listed for $US2,495,000.

Fred, who is thirty-eight and who retired spectacularly at the Trestles event in 2015 after a ten-point ride in round one, bought the house for $US730,000 in 2001.

Beachfront home ownership hasn’t been without its rainy days, however.

In October 2013, while competing at the Rip Curl Pro in Peniche, Portugal, Fred got the news that half of his swimming pool had fallen into the ocean, a victim of the natural movement and erosion of the beachfront shoreline.

A little dent in Freddie’s front yard at Sunset. Photo: Hawaii News Now

Fred’s daddy, Fred Snr, told Hawaii News Now, “We’ve asked for help and no help came … We were telling them that if we don’t get something soon we’re in dire straits. At 10:30, the pool fell. It collapsed … We lost our entire beachfront. It took a chunk out 100 feet wide by 50-feet deep. That’s close to 5,000 square feet.”

In 2020, the pool is gone, the front of the joint is shored up, and you can step straight into a front-row seat at the North Shore’s third best wave.

The sales pitch is compelling.

Watch the lineup at Sunset Beach from your front porch or ride along the bike path just steps from your door to Ted’s Bakery for a bite. Hop into one of the soaking tubs or opt for a outdoor shower when you return from hiking, diving, fishing, or surfing neighboring Pipeline or Rocky Point. This home and neighborhood hold the keys to an adventurous future on the North Shore of Oahu.

You get parking for four cars, six beds, seven bathrooms on 10,000 square feet. Property tax is around twenty gees.

Buy, examine here.

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"Get mama another Yeungling."

Watch: 10ft Great White gets swatted away by 17ft Great White as easily as small child by abusive “Florida-sized” parent!

By Chas Smith

5 years ago

Extremely scary.

Those tracking our current Great White apocalypse are certainly aware of Guadalupe Island floating off the coast of Mexico, very near many Baja surf breaks. The military-controlled island looms scary, all the more because of the monstrous beasts that feed on large fish and plan the coming invasion of the United States where they will feast on the bones of male surfers.

The sharks grow to incredible sizes, 10 feet, 12 feet, 17 feet but these numbers are clinical. Cold. To truly understand what a 17-foot long Great White looks like we must see one directly compared to a 10-foot long Great White.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B79wL8MhOxZ/

And witness how easily the ten-footer is dispatched. A simple flick of a rotund tail. I’ve only seen such easy work in Florida where parents grow to the size of double-wide trailers and barely have to move their arms in order to send their comparatively small children flying across Golden Corral parking lots.

Oh we California surfers are in for a good lickin’, as they say, and should stay out of the water “if we know what’s good for us” or at least ’til Big Mama has vacated the region.

Extremely scary.

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Breaking: Man found dead near famous Arizona wave pool; “surf rage” not ruled out as motive!

By Chas Smith

5 years ago

"Suspicious by nature."

Big Surf, in Tempe, Arizona, is where most surfers aged twenty and up got that very first taste of our thoroughly dystopian present. For it was at Big Surf that Rick Kane wiggled and jived his way to a surf competition victory, winning a belt buckle and enough money to change his destiny forever.

Surf competitions in a pool. Who could imagine such things? But there it was before our eyes. Today, of course, we have Surf Ranch, Wavegarden, BSR Cable Park, URBNSRF and possibly still Surf Lakes though no one has seen or heard from the Yeppoon facility in some time.

A very long time, now that I think about it, and someone should go do a welfare check to make sure Mark Occhilupo and Barton Lynch’s love child is still breathing.

Speaking of welfare checks, police in Tempe, Arizona just carried one out very near Big Surf and found a dead man inside an apartment. Per the local news:

Officers were called to the scene just after 4 a.m. when somebody who was concerned because they had not seen or heard from a friend in some time requested a welfare check.

According to Detective Greg Bacon of the Tempe Police Department, the address officers were given is a rented office space, and the door was open when they got there. They found the dead man inside.

Police have not officially identified the man, nor have they said how he died. Bacon said investigators are looking at surveillance cameras in the area, as well as talking to people who were in the area when officers arrived.

Bacon said the man’s death in “suspicious by nature.”

And I’ll solve this crime right now.

Surf rage.

Oh we were promised such a bright, brilliant future with these pools. Waves on demand. Waves conjured via button but if Surf Ranch has taught us anything it is that Kelly Slater has an evil master plan to descend humanity into madness. Never before have I seen such hungry eyes, such lust-filled eyes, as I did at surf journalist day in Lemoore, California.

An infinite resource made finite. Doled out like precious gems. Not enough. Never enough.

I’m not suggesting that Kelly pulled the trigger, or plunged the knife, there in Tempe but neither did Charles Manson there in Benedict Canyon.

Speaking of “plunged” though, Surf Lakes. Any news? Any updates?

More as the story develops.

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Chas: You must be the short, depressed fin merchant I ordered. Fin man: (Fill in blanks to win!)

Contest: Lip-read insult on Backward Fins video and win perfumed head-to-tail BeachGrit pack!

By Derek Rielly

5 years ago

Mea culpa yields dividends for clever readers…

It’s been three weeks since we released our bombshell mea culpa, that Backward Fins Beth had it right all along, that it don’t matter which way you stick the fins in.

We celebrated our mistake by creating a small clothing range, a capsule for want of a better word which you can shop here, and a movie with the Paul Naude-owned company Vissla.

Now, in the movie, you’ll notice when the guy in the fin factory is on the phone to Chas, his retort to Chas calling him a “short, depressed fin merchant” is beeped out.

Why?

Long story.

I think Vissla worried about possible offence caused to the star mentioned, a friend of Chas as it happens, whereas I was worried it wasn’t offensive enough and therefore was pleased when the line was removed.

Today’s contest.

Correctly lip read what he says, put your answer in the comment pane, and you’ll win four BeachGrit t-shirts, each a different print or colour, a couple of air fresheners (a formulation that is both sweet and sickly) and four tail-pads in a striking design that calls to mind the super graphics of Barbara “Bobbie” Stauffacher Solomon.

Eat beach grit spam!