Smart business.
I know this is Stab magazine’s beautiful Ashton Goggan’s Pulitzer in the wings. This most important surf industry story of the past ten years etc. but…. massively robust professional surfer teams getting cut to the bone?
Do you really care?
Look, I’ll be honest. I loved Michel Bourez less than the next man. Sure The Spartan had a nickname that rolled right off Joe Turpel’s tongue but besides that?
I’m truly at a loss.
‘Rissa Moore?
I’ve never chatted with the champ and I’m certain she’ll land somewhere but still, I don’t care.
Machado?
Ok, you’ve got me. Rob Machado is Kelly’s Slater’s evil twin. The man who stays young and gorgeous forever, surfs better than anyone and will be laughing while that fucking Kelly Slater is locked into a mental institute.
Hair.
Look at Rob’s, growing more luxurious decade by decade.
Kelly’s gone for decades but I digress.
A fantastic company will pick Rob then what?
For whom do you weep on Hurley’s surf team?
Now, BlueStar has pared down to Julian (Australia) Kolohe (America) Filipe (Brazil).
Don’t that tick the boxes?
John John and his rumored $4 mil so long. Carissa and her rumored $1 mil vanished.
And what’s lost?
Be honest.
Stripping that wildly bloated surf team down to the three of its members that currently matter (minus current our world Michael Jordan except a Michael Jordan that refuses to shoot the ball, the man who made a deal with the devil (who should have been kept but will be acquired) and someone who ain’t competing next year?
Be very honest.
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Breaking news re: Mick! Gossip while it’s hot. The stalker obviously had the inside scoop.
Cant wait for their golf range
I love the hate for the pros. “I don’t care!” Liars.
This is all i care about.
https://gizmodo.com/google-…
The end of video ads
Don’t do a Julian Wilson on Carissa. She’ll be repping the twin stripes for a while longer.
This one?
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Couldn’t give a shit.
I’d like to see more of it (the collapse of the surfie rag trade and the inevitable sackings that go with it).
Biggest pack of wankers in the surfing world (both most of the competitors and the fuckwits who sell clone clothes)
Good riddance fuck faces, go and chew on a big bag of dickfish…
In my early teens I wanked a lot thinking about Liz Hurley, and this brand has always felt like a monument to my self-abuse.
Channelbottom would just like to make it clear to the 12.5 BG viewers that he did not ‘upvote’ the gentleman above out of a sympathetic Liz Hurley wank experience, but as a signal of solidarity in the general principle of humorously confusing a perceived association via the name.
Thank you.
So much so that now it’s the hurley logo that actually gets me off. I’ve got them all over my masturbatorium.
Channelbottom would like to inquire, for a friend of his, whether you would recommend placing the aforementioned facility;
A. Within the main body of the residence.
B. In the basement.
C. A suitably attired out-building.
Or D. A cardboard shack in a vacant lot nearby.
?
I repurposed my living room. I faced significant resistance to the idea but the family fall-out has been a small price to pay for the convenience and “master of my domain” feeling.
Alright I’m tapping out now for the day (and that’s not innuendo, BTW).
I’m probably going to have to shorten/cancel my planned midday sneaky surf (hence today’s early work start to get enough done and fit in a surf) because of all the time I’ve invested here. What a world we live in! What a time to be alive!
And now lady and gentleman, I believe it is time for Karl Van Fanningstadt’s ‘Top 16 CT Rider’s Implied Maturbatoria Style Power Rankings’
Over to you Karl!!!
(Dezza cradling head in hands.
Negs poised over ‘delete’ button.
Chas, oblivious)
“Ranked: ‘CT Rider Implied Masturbatoria Style Power Rankings!”
by Karl Von Fanningstadt
Since y’all asked…
Let’s rank these ‘CT wankers and their setups!*
16. Kolohe Andino
A reformed girlfriend stealer, and now Man of God™, Kolohe only feels comfortable wanking in the shower, unseen by his wife, except when she inexplicably comes into pee while he’s in there, which he finds disgusting. It doesn’t conflict with his religious beliefs, seeing as he knows Puff the Magic Dragon doesn’t care. Unbeknownst to his wife, the reason he insists on keeping bar soap in the shower is for proper lubrication.
15. John John Florence
While John John spends a lot of his time outdoors, surfing/sailing around and whatnot, his preferred space for “special relaxation” is in his bedroom, which can get a little messy as a result. On any given day, you might find empty Pringles tubes and brillo sponges on his side nightstand or the laptop on some weird surface.
14. Julian Wilson
When it comes to pleasing himself, Julian favors his bathroom, liking to stand to glance at himself in the mirror every so often and critique his own performance, though he tends to over strategize about how to get it done (placing toilet paper rolls under the computer sitting on the counter in order to bring it up to a more comfortable viewing level).
13. Ryan Callinan
R-Cal, as Turdpel likes to call him, doesn’t have a specifically devoted space to take care of business. He does, however, happen to own a collection of 1980s era Playboys, which he stashes in the third drawer from the bottom of his bedroom dresser, underneath a bunch of Billabong flannels. Despite his young age, he like the idea of flipping through pages.
12. Jack Freestone
Married to one of surfing’s top sex symbols, Alana Buttchard, one wouldn’t necessarily think about Jack needing a special place to five finger shuffle, but that he does: his car in the garage. With an uncomplicated setup, holding his phone in the left hand and connected to the vehicle’s Bluetooth, which he turns down very low, not off, because he needs some sound, he can rub one out to whatever he can find during his latest “ebony big booty” search on Pornhub (viewed in incognito mode on Chrome).
11. Wade Carmichael
The surfing style of a hirsute Sally Fitzgibbons, Wade, really leaning into his lumberjack image, prefers his wood shed out back, equipped with an old(ish) Samsung TV and Acer laptop that connect to each other via an HDMI cable, posters of Lou Ferrigno as the Incredible Hulk, and a random bottle of olive oil. Surrounded by tools that no one ever uses, he doesn’t even bother to delete his browser history on the computer, which one would find show him to really be into pubic hair.
…
9. Filipe Toledo
Filipe’s setup is not too flashy, he mainly sticks to his bedroom and dumps into socks, which over time crust over and start to make the room smell like burnt and moldy cardboard. Rated this highly, mostly because I forgot about him, and because…
…
7. Jeremy Flores
When he feels like fiddling Le petit Jésus, he goes to his study, kept dark with red light bulbs and outfitted with gilded second empire furnishings and bookshelves filled with erotic literature.
…
3. Kelly Slater
A particular man, Kelly makes sure that his “self-spiritualization” room in every house has all the necessary parts to help get him off, including mirrors, blown up photographs of his face, various vibrating sex toys, printed out comments from Instagram, a dental chair, and one barber chair there for Kalani to sit on while she lends encouragement.
2. Jordan Michael Smith
As we all know, when Jordy can get pretty intense about stuff, other than improving his surfing, going on about his business until he reaches the point of tears. Like anything else, this applies to his self-love game, which his wife reassuringly tells him is perfectly normal and fine with her. So into it, he converted one of his spare bedrooms into his own “shoe dungeon,” as he calls it, where he keeps his shoe collection and computer which he makes sure remembers his Reality Kings login information. He thinks it’s kinda weird that he’s into ladies have sex while wearing shoes, which at the point the woman takes her heels off, he closes the video, but it’s just what he needs sometimes.
1. Kanoa Igarashi
Becoming such a big sensation in Japan, as their best surfer and the prospective Gold medal favorite, Kanoa has met and made friends with many of the country’s important uber famous athletes and celebrities, including former New York Yankees slugger, Hideki “Godzilla” Matsui, who himself amassed more than 55,000 pornographic films during his career from Japanese sportswriters, several of which he has sold to young Igarashi on the condition he watch them on a huge screen or using VR in his high-tech sperm deposit room. Whatever he is into at the moment, he has access to.
*This is not real
peak beachgrit!
– inspired article buried in the comments instead of getting its own headline.
genius
High five.
Kinda like having a wank in the shower so many times you now get a woody when it rains.🤣
Also … in this age of go-pros and drones how does the modern surf gentleman manage to discreetly knock one off the top before a morning paddle out?
You don’t want to do that anyway, it saps your energy. Think boxers in training camp.
She’s still wankable! Don’t stop
Agreed.
Good to know. And, YES!
Maybe even more so now, depending on your proclivities
The strayans will always have
Weed Bix to feed them.
Don’t care. Let the heads roll. Having said that, I do look forward to the inevitable story to come out detailing Fil’s negotiations asking for more money but is told he is welcome to find a better deal that doesn’t exist. Worry about that Top 3 bonus money.
I’m with you Karl. I couldn’t give a flying fuck about pro surfers. Young astro sometimes tells me about this guy or that guy – I just say to him, “rember that big noting bitch at snapper who was dropping in on everyone ? Thats yer pro surfer. There’s the odd good cunt but mostly fuck them.”
He’s heard this so often I don’t even have to finish … just rolls his eyes.
What is lost is the commoner. Non-Olympian. Hurley is but Olympians. Favored by the gods. The commoner is no more.
Side Note:
Spartacus died today. The Spartan is no more.
Oh I agree. The bet is on Olympic surfing kick, no? But actually no. Still, who even appeals to the “core?” Who would make you, your kid, buy… anything?
I want to know where Stance was going to take Hurley. Who’s got feet sponsor worthy. Do we go goofy? Keep it regular?
I know I answered a question with only more questions but that Stance/Hurley potential buy back was sweating potential. Sweaty feet potential even.
“Who would make you, your kid, buy… anything?”
For starters Chas on that question I’ll throw Nathan Fletcher’s name into the hat… the dude rules… just my 2 cents…
Great and good answer and I didn’t mean for question to sound sarcastic. Nate Fletcher check. Who else? We can create the definitive list of sponsorable surfers!
Fletchers don’t need no stinking sponsor. They’ve had it all laid out on a plate.
Ramon Navarro.
Pip has on occasion, a neat little goatee. All the better to influence a gentleman to purchase some luxurious-style beard-oil, the next time he / she is in Walmart buying ammo and cheezestix.
Beard oil and whatever that shit is they use to slick their proud boy/fuck boy haircut down with
tobacco spittle
Out of all of them – the whole spectrum. I choose Albee – he’s grumpy and cantankerous and doesnt really give a fuck I think.
Sponsor Albee Chas. “The girls” tee would be appropriate.
But, but, but, Pip is just an alternate…will he still be considered an Olympian if he doesn’t paddle out? Olympian bench warmer?
Pip will be laughing like fuck coz he doesn’t have to try and surf 1’ mush at Sadashita Beach.