"I hate surfers!"
"I hate surfers!"

Breaking: Democratic presidential hopeful and “Clinton Machine Public Enemy no. 2” Tulsi Gabbard defies “surf-hating” Party overlords in San Francisco!

Super Monday.

Tomorrow is Super Tuesday in these United States of America and a an especially super one seeing that, for the first time in modern Presidential primary history, the state of California will have a decisive say as to who the Democratic candidate will be.

In years past, Californians went to the polls very much later than the rest of the nation, generally after the candidate had been selected by New Hampshirans, Iowans and a grab bag of other strangers. Frustrated by being the largest state and having no say, the powers moved primary day on up and here we are.

As you may know, there is currently a death struggle in the Democratic party between the “surf-hating” establishment, ruled from on high by Bill and Hillary Clinton and their vast “machine” and surfers, including and limited to Hawaii’s Tulsi Gabbard.

You certainly recall when Hillary Clinton attempted to paint Gabbard with the “Russian asset” bush and also when she sent a strange little troll named Mayor Pete Buttigieg after her.

Both efforts failed extraordinarily. Gabbard is set to become a very rich woman, suing Clinton for $50 million. Mayor Pete was sent back to the “shadows” without so much as a whimper.

How did Gabbard celebrate?

By rubbing herself in the surf-hating establishment’s nose and going surfing in San Francisco. Shall we turn to the Chronicle for more?

The congresswoman, who has been surfing since she was a teenager, put on a wetsuit and paddled out off the Pacifica coast with young people from the City Surf Project, which uses surfing to get youth to respect nature, build healthy habits and find personal growth.

She spent about three hours on the beach and in the water with the young people, some of them surfing for the first time.

“It was priceless seeing the joy in the eyes of kids this morning, many who come from a challenging background, getting to experience surfing and the healing qualities of the ocean for the first time,” Gabbard said in a statement Saturday.

The stop at Linda Mar beach, with the temperature in the 60s, had to be an improvement over her last political surfing stop on New Year’s Day in New Hampshire.

Gabbard, true to her Hawaiian roots, donned an Xcel wetsuit but I wonder if O’Neill might have been a better way to reach that northern California constituency.

I also wonder how the Clinton Machine, busily turning the final screws on a Frankenstein-like creature named Uncle Joe, will react to the overall insult.

Will Uncle Joe have many, secret, hidden votes stuffed into his veneers?

The “by-any-means-necessary” crushing of this surf rebellion?

Uncle Joe.

And Cousin Hunter. Did you know he’s an artist now?

Much to ponder.


Ayaka Suzuki, Pipe shredder from Japan. | Photo: @ayakasuzukii

From-the-sex-is-a-social-construct-dept: Women shine in gender-neutral Pipe surfing contest!

The gender war just got hotter!

Okay, so there’s this issue of women getting equal prizemoney when they aren’t called upon to perform in the same heavy conditions as the men.

Where are the women at Teahupoo, Pipe and so on?

Two weeks after Chas first called on Devon Howard to become a surfing pioneer by allowing women to compete against the men in the same heats, I’d like to note that it has already been done.*

Last year, the 2019 Mike Stewart Pipeline Pro was an open entry event, with no division between genders.

Four women entered, with 2018 world women’s champion Ayika Suzuki’s advancement through her first-round heat offering proof of concept that the women could compete and succeed against the men.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B9NYelfBFDR/

https://www.instagram.com/p/B9K1Vian1jc/

This year’s competition featured nine female competitors, again including Suzuki, Pipe regular Traci Effinger (who goes by the glorious @clamdragger handle on Instagram) and the muse for this story, Miya Inoue.

In tricky six-to-ten-foot wind-affected Pipe, Inoue progressed through four rounds, reaching the quarter-finals.

Inoue scored the highest single-wave score of that heat after she projected off the lip of the biggest wave that came through in the twenty-five-minute heat, before being unable to find the backup score needed to progress.

I’ll ignore the usual tropes that will be trotted out in rebuttal here (aren’t all bodyboarders girls? It’s so easy, anyone could surf Pipe on a boogie board ** et al) and call on the WSL to offer a wildcard into next year’s Pipe Masters contest to one or more worthy female competitors.

And I’m calling out the female surfers, for one of them to put their hand up and say, “I can charge Pipe, give me a jersey, I’m ready!”

If a fifty kilogram (110 pounds) bodyboarder raised on Japanese beachbreaks is willing to throw herself at the lip of an eight-foot Pipe wave, there’s gotta be a female professional surfer who will have the vertical bonnet to take on Pipeline against the guys.

Paige Alms? Tyler Wright?

Imagine a Mason Ho vs Coco Ho heat at Backdoor?

And if the WSL is serious about equality, let’s see them give the women a chance to compete against the men in other premiere events as well.

Steph Gilmore is oft acknowledged as the most stylish rider regardless of gender at Snapper, why not give her a shot against the men in the opening contest of the year?

Carissa Moore or Lakey Peterson would do more damage laying into the walls of J-Bay than, say, Miguel Pupo?

At the very least it would they would great PR pieces.

So what say you, WSL corporate overlords?

How do you vote surfing world?

Just like aerial moves, heavy waves and the priority system, are you ready to follow in bodyboarding’s shoes again once again?

*The very first Morey Boogie world championships in 1982 was actually a gender-neutral event as well. Mike Stewart’s future wife, then Lisa Miller, competed and advanced through the first day’s competition. Presented with ten-foot Pipeline on the second day, she perhaps wisely withdrew.

** I offer Jamie O’Brien’s recent crabclaw efforts pushing his sponsors’ bodyboard products as rebuttal.


Sharks and selfies. Like boats and hoes.
Sharks and selfies. Like boats and hoes.

Smokescreen: Mainstream media underplays seriousness of death by “man-eating shark” in suggesting selfies are more dangerous!

Lies and damned lies.

The lamestream media is the absolute worst. Incredibly the worst. Everything President Donald J. Trump says it is plus lots more and now, like him, I feel personally aggrieved. Personally targeted and harmed by new scurrilous, vindictive reporting that suggest taking innocent and beautiful self portraits, or selfies, is more dangerous than getting eaten by a shark, be it Great White, Bull, Tiger, Hammerhead or other.

Equally infuriating and triggering.

Why?

Because we surfers, we ocean pioneers, know the risks, the dangers every time we paddle out. Feel the terror but does the media care?

No.

It’s “agenda” is on full display but we must turn to Jacksonville, Florida’s local NBC affiliate for more.

The Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care in India found that 259 people worldwide died in 137 selfie-related accidents between 2011 and 2017, compared to just 50 people killed by sharks.

And a new survey found that 41% of us have already risked our safety in pursuit of a selfie.

While there might be more ladies taking selfies in general, the men are more likely to take risks, according to a poll conducted by the smartphone case company Case24.com.

The company’s survey found 61% of males would accept the challenge of a cliff-edge photo, compared to 38% of females.

Like sharks, cliffs appear to favor men but back to the issue at hand. Jacksonville, Florida’s local NBC affiliate if you can even believe and, as you know, Jacksonville is very close to New Smyrna which is, in turn, the shark attack capital of the world.

The shark attack capital of the world.

Selfies.

It’s a conspiracy against us and, as such, no surfing is recommended for the next two weeks until everything shakes out.

More as the story develops.


Hero.
Hero.

Watch: Empowered mother breastfeeding newborn publicly shamed by toxic surfing patriarchy on popular Instagram page!

Cancel surf culture.

Welcome to America, where it’s OK to festoon the pages of surf magazines and surf-centric Instagram feeds with high-res images of breasts, but it’s not OK for a mother to nurse her baby while participating in the surf act itself.

The popular account Kook of the Day recently posted a video of an empowered mother breastfeeding on a wave and what should have been a moment celebrating the whole of the female experience quickly devolved into the very worst displays of toxic masculinity.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B82fZjxBDT8/

Comments dripping with less-than-woke misogyny began appearing right away.

bchip19: Call child protective services. So fucking irresponsible. One false move and it’s disaster.

matt_meistrell: Dumb people do dumb shit!

jonnysurfstyle: Jesus!!!! You kidding me??????? She goes down that babies gone!!!!! Stupid stupid women!!!! This annoys the fuck out of me!!!!! Even stupidity knows its limits and I am stupidity!!!!

Etc.

And it’s shameful that we still need to be having this conversation in 2020. Breastfeeding moms are not brash, unrepentant exhibitionists. Few to none of them are trying to show off their breasts to unwilling participants. Yes, some of us have fully evolved beyond the twisted hypocrisy of a culture that says a billboard of a lingerie-clad boob is A-OK while an uncovered nursing infant is offensive.

I can only hope and trust that her child did not its first experience of the life-determining effects of American society’s gender binary, swaddled in either pink or blue. Moments out of the womb and before even receiving its name being wrapped in gender. I can only hope and trust they will not be destroyed by the blitzkrieg of gender-norming as they grow.

In the meantime, may this mother’s brave display of her complete personhood be a beacon for us all.


Go-for-broke former world #4 surfer makes shock return to public life!

The man who described the WSL's Instagram account as "pandering bullshit that's exploiting surfing" returns with his dangerously purist blog, marinelayerproductions.

Dane Reynolds is an almost thirty-five-year-old father of three and former world number four surfer from Bakersfield in California known for his “go for broke style of surfing that includes many experimental and aerial maneuvers.”

It’s not a stretch to say that even with cheeks so adipose that his eyes have become mere slits, Reynolds’s bold lines on a wave still quicken the pulse of spectators.

Five years ago, or thereabouts, Dane quit his blog, marinelayerproductions, and shortly afterwards, released a torrential confessional called Chapter 11.

Talking about a panic attack he says, “In my heat, my throat started closing. I got out of the water and into my car. I was on the 405 in my Volvo doing 90 MPH to the hospital. I pulled over and called (wife) Courtney and said, I think I’m dying.”

Over the course of the intervening half decade, Dane notably quit his multi-million dollar with Quiksilver and started his own brand, Former, along with Craig Anderson and co.

Earlier today, Reynolds announced he was back in the blogging game.

“Think I’m gonna start blogging again 🤒 I know blogs are dead but still feels like the right platform to post surf videos and opinion and include my friends I surf with every day. Stay tuned 🤘🏽”

In an interview with Monster Children magazine he described the WSL’s Instagram as “pandering bullshit that’s just exploiting surfing.”

His fussy meticulousness and purism will be welcome.

In the meantime, rewatch Chapter 11.

Chapter 11 from Marine Layer on Vimeo.