Sharks and selfies. Like boats and hoes.
Sharks and selfies. Like boats and hoes.

Smokescreen: Mainstream media underplays seriousness of death by “man-eating shark” in suggesting selfies are more dangerous!

Lies and damned lies.

The lamestream media is the absolute worst. Incredibly the worst. Everything President Donald J. Trump says it is plus lots more and now, like him, I feel personally aggrieved. Personally targeted and harmed by new scurrilous, vindictive reporting that suggest taking innocent and beautiful self portraits, or selfies, is more dangerous than getting eaten by a shark, be it Great White, Bull, Tiger, Hammerhead or other.

Equally infuriating and triggering.


Because we surfers, we ocean pioneers, know the risks, the dangers every time we paddle out. Feel the terror but does the media care?


It’s “agenda” is on full display but we must turn to Jacksonville, Florida’s local NBC affiliate for more.

The Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care in India found that 259 people worldwide died in 137 selfie-related accidents between 2011 and 2017, compared to just 50 people killed by sharks.

And a new survey found that 41% of us have already risked our safety in pursuit of a selfie.

While there might be more ladies taking selfies in general, the men are more likely to take risks, according to a poll conducted by the smartphone case company

The company’s survey found 61% of males would accept the challenge of a cliff-edge photo, compared to 38% of females.

Like sharks, cliffs appear to favor men but back to the issue at hand. Jacksonville, Florida’s local NBC affiliate if you can even believe and, as you know, Jacksonville is very close to New Smyrna which is, in turn, the shark attack capital of the world.

The shark attack capital of the world.


It’s a conspiracy against us and, as such, no surfing is recommended for the next two weeks until everything shakes out.

More as the story develops.


Watch: Empowered mother breastfeeding newborn publicly shamed by toxic surfing patriarchy on popular Instagram page!

Cancel surf culture.

Welcome to America, where it’s OK to festoon the pages of surf magazines and surf-centric Instagram feeds with high-res images of breasts, but it’s not OK for a mother to nurse her baby while participating in the surf act itself.

The popular account Kook of the Day recently posted a video of an empowered mother breastfeeding on a wave and what should have been a moment celebrating the whole of the female experience quickly devolved into the very worst displays of toxic masculinity.

Comments dripping with less-than-woke misogyny began appearing right away.

bchip19: Call child protective services. So fucking irresponsible. One false move and it’s disaster.

matt_meistrell: Dumb people do dumb shit!

jonnysurfstyle: Jesus!!!! You kidding me??????? She goes down that babies gone!!!!! Stupid stupid women!!!! This annoys the fuck out of me!!!!! Even stupidity knows its limits and I am stupidity!!!!


And it’s shameful that we still need to be having this conversation in 2020. Breastfeeding moms are not brash, unrepentant exhibitionists. Few to none of them are trying to show off their breasts to unwilling participants. Yes, some of us have fully evolved beyond the twisted hypocrisy of a culture that says a billboard of a lingerie-clad boob is A-OK while an uncovered nursing infant is offensive.

I can only hope and trust that her child did not its first experience of the life-determining effects of American society’s gender binary, swaddled in either pink or blue. Moments out of the womb and before even receiving its name being wrapped in gender. I can only hope and trust they will not be destroyed by the blitzkrieg of gender-norming as they grow.

In the meantime, may this mother’s brave display of her complete personhood be a beacon for us all.

Go-for-broke former world #4 surfer makes shock return to public life!

The man who described the WSL's Instagram account as "pandering bullshit that's exploiting surfing" returns with his dangerously purist blog, marinelayerproductions.

Dane Reynolds is an almost thirty-five-year-old father of three and former world number four surfer from Bakersfield in California known for his “go for broke style of surfing that includes many experimental and aerial maneuvers.”

It’s not a stretch to say that even with cheeks so adipose that his eyes have become mere slits, Reynolds’s bold lines on a wave still quicken the pulse of spectators.

Five years ago, or thereabouts, Dane quit his blog, marinelayerproductions, and shortly afterwards, released a torrential confessional called Chapter 11.

Talking about a panic attack he says, “In my heat, my throat started closing. I got out of the water and into my car. I was on the 405 in my Volvo doing 90 MPH to the hospital. I pulled over and called (wife) Courtney and said, I think I’m dying.”

Over the course of the intervening half decade, Dane notably quit his multi-million dollar with Quiksilver and started his own brand, Former, along with Craig Anderson and co.

Earlier today, Reynolds announced he was back in the blogging game.

“Think I’m gonna start blogging again 🤒 I know blogs are dead but still feels like the right platform to post surf videos and opinion and include my friends I surf with every day. Stay tuned 🤘🏽”

In an interview with Monster Children magazine he described the WSL’s Instagram as “pandering bullshit that’s just exploiting surfing.”

His fussy meticulousness and purism will be welcome.

In the meantime, rewatch Chapter 11.

Chapter 11 from Marine Layer on Vimeo.

Opening special: Rent indoor New Jersey wavepool for $US1800 an hour! Complimentary surfboards, 85-degree water!

Trunks and glassy ramps in the middle of a dirty Jersey winter.

The five-billion-dollar New Jersey mega-mall American Dream in East Rutherford, eight miles from Time Square if you’re wondering, opens its indoor wavepool to the public on April 1.

The pool is a smaller version of the fabulous Waco pool and the operator will rent you the entire pool for an hour for $US1800 on weekdays and $2100 on weekends.

You get twenty pals in the pool and it’s going to cost around a hundred bucks apiece. The joint spits out between 100 and 180 waves in an hour depending on the setting. The wave menu includes “the A- frame wave, under-the-lip-take-off barrel, or a perfect air section.”

The session is run through Will Skudin’s surf school. Will is a noted big-wave charger from Long Island, New York who once kissed a Nazaré lip and lived to tell the tale.  A smart backing with hopes that Will’s street cred will impress both the core and the unbaptized.

Surf coaches, lifeguards and wave technicians are all included and it is recommended that advanced shortboarders bring a board two-to-five liters above normal volume. Fresh water etc.

Also, according to the website the wave pool is “Perfect for Team Building, Bachelor and Bachelorette parties, before and after NYC and Corporate events.”

Some notes to remember.

In New Jersey, right now, the water temp is hovering around forty-one degrees (five celsius) and today’s wind chill brings us to about nineteen degrees (minus eight C) outside. The temp inside the wavepool, which is indoors, is seventy-five degrees (twenty-four C). No wind either. Pure glass.

Also worth noting is the the pool is located to the left of the Kung Fu Panda Water Temple of Awareness and just behind the Thrillagascar fifty-foot freefall.

Post-Session, you can  “live it up like royalty at King Julien’s Pineapple Jam Swim-up Bar”.

Live adventure here. 

"What you gonna do about it Kelly?"
"What you gonna do about it Kelly?"

Terrifying: Experts declare uncommon gathering of Great White sharks off the Carolinas suggests they’re “preparing for an unprecedented feast!”

Our feet are the Orange Chickens of the Sea.

Oh no. Oh hell. Do you live in one of the two Carolinas? Either North or South? Both are some of my favorite states in this union, I’ll admit, because have you ever visited? Have you ever tasted pimento cheese dip? Ever wandered Charleston’s streets? Ever whooped and hollered for the Demon Deacons?

I weep for you, for me, for us because a whole mess of Great White sharks are amassing off the coast of both North and South Carolina preparing themselves for what scientists are calling a “feast.”

A “feast” of what?

Male surfer feet, obviously, as they are apparently as tasty to “man-eating” Great Whites as Panda Express’s Orange Chicken.

Don’t believe? We must immediately turn to South Carolina’s most revered local media.

That notorious gathering of satellite-tagged great white sharks off the Carolinas has shifted.

Data from the nonprofit OCEARCH shows they’re still enjoying each other’s company, but now their predatory union is off South Carolina — between Myrtle Beach and Charleston.

Seven great white sharks are now “pinging” in that region, while two stragglers remain off North Carolina’s Crystal Coast.

The sharks, all of which are fitted with satellite trackers, range in size from 9 feet to nearly 13 feet, with the biggest weighing 1,420 pounds.

Great white sharks are known for using the East Coast as a type of highway, from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico, but such a satellite gathering is uncommon among the tagged predators, experts say.

OCEARCH was the first to bring attention to the “big grouping,” with a Feb. 8 Facebook post that asked why these sharks might be segregated from others on the coast.

Commenters speculated it likely has to do with an abundance of food, and OCEARCH experts believe that is likely the case.

However, no one has speculated on what they’re apparently feasting on.

Oh I’m speculating right now. I’m telling you directly.

Male surfer feet.

Sprinkled with talcum powder that acts similarly to MSG.

The Orange Chickens of the Sea.

Oh drat.