Cancel surf culture.

Welcome to America, where it’s OK to festoon the pages of surf magazines and surf-centric Instagram feeds with high-res images of breasts, but it’s not OK for a mother to nurse her baby while participating in the surf act itself.

The popular account Kook of the Day recently posted a video of an empowered mother breastfeeding on a wave and what should have been a moment celebrating the whole of the female experience quickly devolved into the very worst displays of toxic masculinity.

Comments dripping with less-than-woke misogyny began appearing right away.

bchip19: Call child protective services. So fucking irresponsible. One false move and it’s disaster.

matt_meistrell: Dumb people do dumb shit!

jonnysurfstyle: Jesus!!!! You kidding me??????? She goes down that babies gone!!!!! Stupid stupid women!!!! This annoys the fuck out of me!!!!! Even stupidity knows its limits and I am stupidity!!!!

Etc.

And it’s shameful that we still need to be having this conversation in 2020. Breastfeeding moms are not brash, unrepentant exhibitionists. Few to none of them are trying to show off their breasts to unwilling participants. Yes, some of us have fully evolved beyond the twisted hypocrisy of a culture that says a billboard of a lingerie-clad boob is A-OK while an uncovered nursing infant is offensive.

I can only hope and trust that her child did not its first experience of the life-determining effects of American society’s gender binary, swaddled in either pink or blue. Moments out of the womb and before even receiving its name being wrapped in gender. I can only hope and trust they will not be destroyed by the blitzkrieg of gender-norming as they grow.

In the meantime, may this mother’s brave display of her complete personhood be a beacon for us all.

The man who described the WSL's Instagram account as "pandering bullshit that's exploiting surfing" returns with his dangerously purist blog, marinelayerproductions.

Dane Reynolds is an almost thirty-five-year-old father of three and former world number four surfer from Bakersfield in California known for his “go for broke style of surfing that includes many experimental and aerial maneuvers.”

It’s not a stretch to say that even with cheeks so adipose that his eyes have become mere slits, Reynolds’s bold lines on a wave still quicken the pulse of spectators.

Five years ago, or thereabouts, Dane quit his blog, marinelayerproductions, and shortly afterwards, released a torrential confessional called Chapter 11.

Talking about a panic attack he says, “In my heat, my throat started closing. I got out of the water and into my car. I was on the 405 in my Volvo doing 90 MPH to the hospital. I pulled over and called (wife) Courtney and said, I think I’m dying.”

Over the course of the intervening half decade, Dane notably quit his multi-million dollar with Quiksilver and started his own brand, Former, along with Craig Anderson and co.

Earlier today, Reynolds announced he was back in the blogging game.

“Think I’m gonna start blogging again 🤒 I know blogs are dead but still feels like the right platform to post surf videos and opinion and include my friends I surf with every day. Stay tuned 🤘🏽”

In an interview with Monster Children magazine he described the WSL’s Instagram as “pandering bullshit that’s just exploiting surfing.”

His fussy meticulousness and purism will be welcome.

In the meantime, rewatch Chapter 11.

Chapter 11 from Marine Layer on Vimeo.

Trunks and glassy ramps in the middle of a dirty Jersey winter.

The five-billion-dollar New Jersey mega-mall American Dream in East Rutherford, eight miles from Time Square if you’re wondering, opens its indoor wavepool to the public on April 1.

The pool is a smaller version of the fabulous Waco pool and the operator will rent you the entire pool for an hour for $US1800 on weekdays and $2100 on weekends.

You get twenty pals in the pool and it’s going to cost around a hundred bucks apiece. The joint spits out between 100 and 180 waves in an hour depending on the setting. The wave menu includes “the A- frame wave, under-the-lip-take-off barrel, or a perfect air section.”

The session is run through Will Skudin’s surf school. Will is a noted big-wave charger from Long Island, New York who once kissed a Nazaré lip and lived to tell the tale.  A smart backing with hopes that Will’s street cred will impress both the core and the unbaptized.

Surf coaches, lifeguards and wave technicians are all included and it is recommended that advanced shortboarders bring a board two-to-five liters above normal volume. Fresh water etc.

Also, according to the website the wave pool is “Perfect for Team Building, Bachelor and Bachelorette parties, before and after NYC and Corporate events.”

Some notes to remember.

In New Jersey, right now, the water temp is hovering around forty-one degrees (five celsius) and today’s wind chill brings us to about nineteen degrees (minus eight C) outside. The temp inside the wavepool, which is indoors, is seventy-five degrees (twenty-four C). No wind either. Pure glass.

Also worth noting is the the pool is located to the left of the Kung Fu Panda Water Temple of Awareness and just behind the Thrillagascar fifty-foot freefall.

Post-Session, you can  “live it up like royalty at King Julien’s Pineapple Jam Swim-up Bar”.

Live adventure here.