Our feet are the Orange Chickens of the Sea.
Oh no. Oh hell. Do you live in one of the two Carolinas? Either North or South? Both are some of my favorite states in this union, I’ll admit, because have you ever visited? Have you ever tasted pimento cheese dip? Ever wandered Charleston’s streets? Ever whooped and hollered for the Demon Deacons?
I weep for you, for me, for us because a whole mess of Great White sharks are amassing off the coast of both North and South Carolina preparing themselves for what scientists are calling a “feast.”
A “feast” of what?
Male surfer feet, obviously, as they are apparently as tasty to “man-eating” Great Whites as Panda Express’s Orange Chicken.
Don’t believe? We must immediately turn to South Carolina’s most revered local media.
That notorious gathering of satellite-tagged great white sharks off the Carolinas has shifted.
Data from the nonprofit OCEARCH shows they’re still enjoying each other’s company, but now their predatory union is off South Carolina — between Myrtle Beach and Charleston.
Seven great white sharks are now “pinging” in that region, while two stragglers remain off North Carolina’s Crystal Coast.
The sharks, all of which are fitted with satellite trackers, range in size from 9 feet to nearly 13 feet, with the biggest weighing 1,420 pounds.
Great white sharks are known for using the East Coast as a type of highway, from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico, but such a satellite gathering is uncommon among the tagged predators, experts say.
OCEARCH was the first to bring attention to the “big grouping,” with a Feb. 8 Facebook post that asked why these sharks might be segregated from others on the coast.
Commenters speculated it likely has to do with an abundance of food, and OCEARCH experts believe that is likely the case.
However, no one has speculated on what they’re apparently feasting on.
Oh I’m speculating right now. I’m telling you directly.
Male surfer feet.
Sprinkled with talcum powder that acts similarly to MSG.
The Orange Chickens of the Sea.