Our feet are the Orange Chickens of the Sea.

Oh no. Oh hell. Do you live in one of the two Carolinas? Either North or South? Both are some of my favorite states in this union, I’ll admit, because have you ever visited? Have you ever tasted pimento cheese dip? Ever wandered Charleston’s streets? Ever whooped and hollered for the Demon Deacons?

I weep for you, for me, for us because a whole mess of Great White sharks are amassing off the coast of both North and South Carolina preparing themselves for what scientists are calling a “feast.”

A “feast” of what?

Male surfer feet, obviously, as they are apparently as tasty to “man-eating” Great Whites as Panda Express’s Orange Chicken.

Don’t believe? We must immediately turn to South Carolina’s most revered local media.

That notorious gathering of satellite-tagged great white sharks off the Carolinas has shifted.

Data from the nonprofit OCEARCH shows they’re still enjoying each other’s company, but now their predatory union is off South Carolina — between Myrtle Beach and Charleston.

Seven great white sharks are now “pinging” in that region, while two stragglers remain off North Carolina’s Crystal Coast.

The sharks, all of which are fitted with satellite trackers, range in size from 9 feet to nearly 13 feet, with the biggest weighing 1,420 pounds.

Great white sharks are known for using the East Coast as a type of highway, from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico, but such a satellite gathering is uncommon among the tagged predators, experts say.

OCEARCH was the first to bring attention to the “big grouping,” with a Feb. 8 Facebook post that asked why these sharks might be segregated from others on the coast.

Commenters speculated it likely has to do with an abundance of food, and OCEARCH experts believe that is likely the case.

However, no one has speculated on what they’re apparently feasting on.

Oh I’m speculating right now. I’m telling you directly.

Male surfer feet.

Sprinkled with talcum powder that acts similarly to MSG.

The Orange Chickens of the Sea.

Oh drat.

Everything is sharks.

Adam Smith who uttered the now iconic phrase, “All things relate to vicious man-eating shark attacks, more or less…”, couldn’t have known how right he actually was back in those bucolic 1700s. The Father of Capitalism, prescient, though hit that nail straight on its head. In a new-ish book titled “Democracy for Realists: Why Elections Do Not Produce Responsive Government, two political scientists, Larry M. Bartels and Christopher H. Achen, examined how the terrifying 1916 New Jersey attacks that inspired the film Jaws sunk President Woodrow Wilson’s presidency.

Let’s sample from the Boston Globe.

With sharply declining tourism revenue, and no system in place to prevent shark attacks, local communities turned to the federal government for help. President Woodrow Wilson, who had previously served as governor of New Jersey, convened a Cabinet meeting, but his own Bureau of Fisheries told him there wasn’t much to be done. By the time he mobilized Coast Guard resources to patrol the waters, the sharks had moved on and the fear and controversy had faded.

But local voters, adversely affected by the economic consequences of the attacks, still took their anger out on the president. According to Bartels and Achen’s calculations, in the communities most impacted by the attacks, Wilson underperformed by 10 percentage points.

Etc.

And, I’m sure you can guess where this is going, no? Exactly correct. To what many are calling “The Great White Shark of the Lungs.” Again we turn to the Globe.

The more the new coronavirus outbreak, and the government’s response to it, becomes politicized, the worse things are likely to turn out for Trump. Since Trump has already gone out of his way to blame Democrats and the media for exaggerating the potential impact of the virus, the politicization train appears to have left the station.

Trump’s unsuccessful efforts to minimize the impact of the rapidly spreading virus for fear that panic will negatively affect the economy may backfire spectacularly. Now his actions and response are tied directly to the crisis.

If Covid-19 causes major dislocations, Trump will inevitably pay a price for any resulting economic slowdown, even if blame for the underlying pandemic can hardly be placed at his feet.

So do you agree that Great White sharks will essentially undo Trump’s political fortunes or do you think this is MSM straw-grasping to an unprecedented and rude degree, stoking fear and division and blaming the prehistoric beasts for all our problems?

Rude, if true.

More as the story develops.

Is the end nigh?

There is, likely, no surfer in our universe as iconic as “Mr. Pipeline” Gerry Lopez. No? You disagree? Well, I would say that you have surf goggles covering your eyes and are not seeing things correctly. Lopez’s mark is everywhere, from our favorite wave to our favorite movie, and now his mark is inside big box discount retailer Costco, partially covering the “stringer” of a Gerry Lopez signature model sotftop surfboard.

When I became aware of this truth, late last night via secret message to Derek Rielly then forwarded to moi, it surprised. I assumed the Gerry Lopez model was part of the Wavestorm line. As you know, the ubiquitous VAL steed is produced in environmentally dubious Chinese factories very near even more dubious Chinese factories producing exotic new diseases. As you also know, Gerry Lopez is a Patagonia brand ambassador. Very ecological etc. and I was having trouble synching his involvement with Wavestorm.

Well, as you continue to know, I am a surf journalist of rarely seen integrity and before writing the title “Seventh Seal: “Mr. Pipeline Gerry Lopez releases signature Wavestorm softtop surfboard at Costco!” first Googled “Gerry Lopez Wavestorm” and discovered a treasure trove of information on the discussion website Reddit.

Let’s read.

Went to Costco to get a wavestorm (reserve your judgements, they’re great for what they are) and was surprised to see only 8’ white soft tops bearing Gerry Lopez’s surfboard logo and his face in the packaging. That was weird on a couple levels. This board has a fake stringer painted onto it. Fins are removable/different from wavestorm’s. Felt slightly heavier than a wavestorm too. As someone who already feels a little conflicted purchasing a surfboard from Costco, I couldn’t stomach buying one of these.

Anyone know what’s up? Are wavestorms a thing of the past? Anyone surf one of these Gerry Lopez soft tips? Do they surf differently than a wavestorm? I’ve got a pink fin that I put on my old wavestorm and it made the thing surprisingly fun/able to hold in steeper waves. Don’t think it would work in the new one….

The comments were mostly sad about how Gerry Lopez did naughty, collaborating with the devil etc. UNTIL…

Yes, that’s our board!! California Board Company. We’re out of Vista CA and have been making soft surfboards since Scott Burke was making BZ softops back in the 1980’s. Gerry felt it was time to put his name on a softie – he’s a legend as you know, and he hooked up with us for 2020 to compete with WaveStorm. We chose to do fin boxes instead of the screw/plug version. Gerry shaped the blank, Scott made it a foam board and our business partners at the factory did the rest. We’d love to hear your feedback!

I immediately gumshoed straight over to California Board Company’s website and smashed the “View Surfboard” button many times but apparently it is broken. Still, much good surf journalism, no? You disagree? I would ask that you please remove your surf goggles and take another look.

But quickly, any opinions? It seems as if Lopez’s board may sell for $400 while that Wavestorm is a cool $99.

I think California Board Company might make “The Sushi.” You know, that foam board that looks like sushi?

Much good surf journalism.