Official: French Olympic Committee declares “The Aquatic Guillotine” to be employed for 2024 Paris Games ushering in modern “Rain of Terror!”

Off with his head!

One does not have to stretch the faculties too far in declaring France the greatest country on earth. Wines from Sancerre, cheeses from Normandy, clothing from Rue Cambon in Paris. Art, music, mimes, romance, flowers, songbirds and the most picturesque uprising in modern human history.

What is not to love about the French Revolution with its Bastille, Egalite and Guillotine, that proud symbol combining justice and public entertainment?

From 1793 through 1794 2600 people made that regretful climb to the thrill of a passionate audience.

The “National Razor” was officially mothballed in 1977 but is being gorgeously re-imagined for the upcoming 2024 Paris Olympic Games and let us turn to Australia’s favorite news source for the very latest.

The International Olympic Committee has approved the Teahupo’o surf break on the island of Tahiti as the site of the 2024 Paris Olympics surfing competition.

Located 15,000km away from the French capital in the South Pacific, the French Polynesian island is home to one of the heaviest waves in the world.

The World Surf League holds an annual event at the wave for its men’s competition but it is one of two heavy barrelling locations — along with Pipeline in Hawaii — where women do not compete.

Olympic organisers will likely attempt to hold women’s heats on days when the waves are smaller but if a big swell rolls through there could be carnage.

A modern Rain of Terror.

Justice and public entertainment on display once more.

Very exciting and we should all prepare our favorite decapitation outfits.

Tell me again, about the tranny surprise in Thailand, you beast.

A treasure trove of true surf-travel stories: The dead Moroccan; a happy Mexican double-cross; a religious stoning in Egypt!

The best part about hitting the road looking for waves? When your world get turned upside down.

Remember the days of surf mag travel stories? Very congruous to an office memo regarding the proper procedure on how to write an office memo.

How many ways are there to describe a palm tree?

Bumpy road?

Gnarly locals?

Lots of wordage down a long road with an old description of a new wave.

The best parts were the flashes when things went wrong: a tranny surprise in Thailand, cartels in Colombia and so on.

Surfing does lead us down sordid alleys, but the stories are worth it.

True examples.

Spaniards love Moroccans: Flat surf in Cadiz caused by a NNE angled swell forced a rented car drive to Rabat where rumors of a sheltered right existed. While driving down a backroad at dusk, the car hit a Moroccan man of middle age.

Local villagers slowly surrounded the crash area.

Ambulance called.

Two hours pass with no response from the hit pedestrian or the ambulance.

Finally, the locals villagers insist it is ok to leave.

What about insurance and police reports? You are no longer in America my friends.

The car is returned to the Spanish rental agency.

When staff ask what happed to the car and you’re informed that the damages would have to be paid for, there is silence.

What happened?

Long pause.

We hit a Moroccan…

The Spaniard places two hands firmly on the driver’s shoulders and stares straight through him … Is he dead?… A pause, then louder, IS HE DEAD?

I think he’s dead…..

The cheers of euphoria from the car rental staff rivaled that of World cup soccer match. A blush fermented sherry paired perfectly with an aged manchego for the celebration was passed around.


The debt of the car damages paid for in Berber flesh….

Mexico double swap: A six-foot Mexican beachbreak. A lazy duck dive ruptures a leash. Board washes to shore. An altruistic local man fishes it from the shorebreak. The surfer swims to shore. Local man asks for the surfer’s rash guard. Says he needs it for lobster diving. The surfer give it to him.

The local reciprocates with marijuana rolled up in newspaper.

Surfer declines, local insists.

The surfer, with weed, walks ten steps around the rocks to find two policemen waiting for him. Cuffs pulled out and about to be placed on wrists. Surfer has visions of Mexican jail time. Gang. Rape.

The surfer offer to pay a fine on the spot. It is accepted.

Ten steps around the next corner reveals the same cops and philanthropic local exchanging confiscated weed and splitting the bribe.

All three look at the surfer, smile, wave and continue with transaction.

Surfer waves back happy in the knowledge that his culo will remain, unharmed, at for tonight for the simple fee of forty Americano dollars.

(Almost) Stoned in Port Said: Surf wise, February in Egypt will surprise you. That said, back roads in port Said reveal even bigger revelations, like having your girlfriend wear long pants and sleeves.

A quest for Egyptian cotton sheets lead to winding open corridors of paved brick down ‘streets’ that are three feet wide. One turn leads to another to another till you’re spinning like a top.

You finally see the souk in the distance and walk toward it down a tidy residential street.

Windows slowly open, raised voices seem like they are directed at you, but you continue, ignoring them.

More windows open, the voices are louder, now definitely meant for you.

Nervous, you continue.

Finally a cab flies around the quiet street and stops abruptly just for you.

“GET IN NOW!” screams the driver. HURRY!!”

By now, you realize the screams and gyrating fists are definitely meant for you.

In the cab, the driver reveals a back street Port Said secret: “Yes, we are a modern country, but some traditions hold strong. They were about to stone you because your wife was revealing too much.”

The girlfriend could care less about the near bludgeoning because she has just been called a wife…

And you?

Watch: Adorable Polar Bear gently kisses “old-timey circus seal” wearing a comedic amount of red lipstick!

A guide for how real surfers and other not real surfers can get along!

There was once upon a time, in mankind’s relatively short history, when animals participated in our entertainment. We had juggling bears, dancing monkeys, leaping orcas, prancing elephants, fighting kangaroos and, best of all, circus seals.

Oh those lovable clowns put on such a show, balancing balls on their noses, clapping their flippers, playing horns and sometimes dressing in drag. Lipstick, skirts, flowers behind tiny ears etc.

Well, even though “animal rights activists” have forced most of these playful creatures into joblessness, it is wonderful to know that out in nature they still love to perform for the simple joy of it.

And witness an adorable bear gently kissing a 1940s-esque circus seal wearing a comedic amount of red lipstick.

This sort of physical comedy would have had the children laughing until tears if they were allowed to be under the big top. There’s even a satirical “Harvey Weinstein moment” for the parents when the polar bear pretends to sexually abuse the seal.

Funny, funny, funny but even more, shows a perfect example about how real surfers and other various standup paddleboarders, hyrofoilers, high performance longboarders can get along.

Nature is beautiful mirror!

World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s “War on Surfers” escalates dramatically as one of his plants wins legitimate, non-aberrant surfing contest!

Dark days.

The decades long war in Afghanistan may finally, finally be ramping down but across the seas, in Morro Bay, California, the World Surf League’s newly appointed CEO and Lord Commander over the Wall of Positive Noise Erik “ELo” Logan opened up a new front against surfers everywhere.

As you know, Logan is not himself a surfer, likely hates legitimate surfing and rides a standup paddleboard.


And now one of his kind, a plant no doubt, has claimed victory in a legitimate shortboarding surf contest. The normal, good kind of contest but let us turn to the central coast’s local news affiliate for more.

Twenty-year-old Izzi Gomez from San Clemente, Calif., claimed her first-ever victory during her heat in the women’s qualifying series, according to the women’s competition website.

Gomez said she has been preparing for months for this competition.

“I just surf because I love surfing and it’s my passion,” said Gomez. “I couldn’t imagine not surfing. There’s definitely been times where I’ve taken breaks just because I’ve been burnt out from competitions and stuff, but it’s the love of my life.”

Izzi Gomez may be very talented, very beautiful, but she is also a multiple-time SUP champion.

What is next?

Will Laird Hamilton receive many wildcards this year?

Robby Naish?

Will the non-abberant kind of surfing be forever destroyed?

More as the story develops.


Profiles in Courage: The moral hazards of plagiarizing uniquely original artists like “Uncle” Joe Biden and the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater!

Look ye and consider.

In these last few days, we have seen two important races get decidedly more heated and even as we know where the truth and heroism lies, we must look deeper, lest we forget what makes us mere men and others champions and heroes.

In Palm Springs, California three, perhaps even four hotly competing wave puddles were announced.

In the Democratic presidential primary race, “Uncle” Joe Biden, erstwhile trusted left-hand man of the greatest president of all time, resoundingly showed the rest of the field who is boss with Mayor Pete Buttigieg and Sen. Klobuchar bowing to the Clinton Machine and clearing the way for one establishment candidate.

Doubts about his age, doubts about his inability to pass up a pissy catfight anytime, anywhere over trivial issues were thunderingly answered, perhaps even refuted last eve.

But do these media driven doubts about Biden sound familiar to us? Has Kelly Slater not been similarly slandered? Is the baddest sheriff in the town that is Washington DC brothers from another’s mothers with our very own baddest almond milkmaid in the town that is Lemoore?

Let’s review the case:

Kelly not only won (wins) every championship ever, but anointed us with the shining raiment woven from pure trash island and out of the purity of his stoke he birthed Surf Ranch. A real wave pool. Oh sure, there were sloppy sloshings in pools before. But we all know who made our dreams sing aloud in the harsh light of day.

Kelly did.

And Uncle Joe. Sheriff Joe not only ran (runs) in every election ever, but he has also anointed us with two bouncing baby boys, one who tragically passed, and one more. From the goodness of his heart, he has fought corruption around the globe. On the stage Biden recounted a tale of bravery that would make Bernie Bros weep and inspired Trump to doomed imitation. Lets read the impeccable research of BuzzFeed to make sure we get this right:

“And then he told a story. Recounting a trip to Kyiv in late 2015, Biden described telling the then-president of Ukraine, Petro Poroshenko, that he had to fire the prosecutor general or the US would not release $1 billion in loan guarantees. “I looked at them and said, ‘I’m leaving in six hours,’” Biden told the crowd, taking a long look at his watch for effect. “‘If the prosecutor is not fired, you’re not getting the money.’ Well, son of a bitch.” Here the audience laughed. “He got fired.”

Ah yes. There have been tough customers on the international scene before. But Joe showed em all who’s boss.

And here is the juncture where all comers must think twice: Donald Trump came and thought that he could tear a page outta Joe’s book. Thought that he could basically just say the same thing to the same government and get the same results.

No sir. Plagiarism for selfish ends is not looked kindly upon by fate, Mr Trump. Joe got compliance. You got impeached.

Which circles us back to Palm Springs, California. Josh Kerr, CJ and Damien Hobgood, Shane Beschen, Cheyne Magnusson, Kalani Robb and all others who dare to use Kelly’s playbook, to use Kelly’s selfless desert locomotive against him to line your own pockets: look ye to the cosmic punishment of Trump, and consider.

Plagiarism doesn’t pay, my friends.