Watch: Rabid shark chases terrified
porpoise up rocks then feasts on its innards while famous surfer
declares, “We’re not safe on land anymore!”
By Chas Smith
We're all getting eaten. You. Me. Our children.
Their children.
Oh to be a surfer in South Africa. To be a surfer and
brave, knowing that every single wave brings with it the
very real opportunity of being feasted upon by a shark. Knowing
that your very innards might be served up at the local shark
braai where those sharks will pick and choose your most
delectable bits while smacking their lips and critiquing your
general quality. Liver no good, shot through over-drinking, for
example. Lungs crispy and charred from one too many Gunstons.
Oh to be a surfer in South Africa while the rest of South
Africa’s non-surfing population looks on, thinking, “That
bosbefok is just asking for it, eh. Asking to get eaten,
eh.”
Sharks, as you well know, love South Africa and love South
African surfers.
But in a shocking turn, South Africa’s sharks are now
encroaching upon the land and let us witness famous son Jordy Smith
terrifying Instagram post. Let us watch a shark climb sharp rocks
in order to feast on a terrified porpoise’s innards.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B9Z3mtog-Pv/
The end is certainly nigh.
And/or already here.
And/or was here, like, six months ago.
Or maybe not?
If porpoises are also learning to walk I think much fun for man
as dogs are getting boring.
Do you disagree?
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Watch: Penguin and seal participate in
“consensual, beautiful, inspiring” non-binary love act!
By Chas Smith
A fine example for surfers.
Oh we humans, we Homo sapiens, are a vicious
lot getting more and more vicious by the day. Those who
self-identify as “left” refuse to speak with those who
self-identify as “right.” Vegans won’t even look at pescatarians
and say snotty things about them under their mung bean breath.
Those who think the earth is round cannot stand the sight of those
who think the earth is flat and take every opportunity to mock and
belittle.
Tribes and camps.
We’ve separated ourselves into tribes and camps and loathe every
tribe and camp not our own.
And we surfers may be worst of all. Tribes and camps within
tribes and camps. Two surfers may vote for establishment Democratic
candidates, for example, but if one rides a fish and the other
rides a plus-sized fish then they will hate each other and look for
ways to cause much harm one to the other.
Thankfully we have the animal kingdom to show us a better, more
gentle way. To learn how to treat those different from us.
Love them even.
Recently we witnessed a benevolent killer whale saving an
injured seal and a polar bear kissing a funny circus seal.
Today we have another seal but this one participating in a
consensual, beautiful, inspiring non-binary love act with a
handsome penguin.
If these two can cross species lines than shouldn’t a surfer who
rides a Hayden shaped Hypto-Krypto be able to wake up next to a
surfer who rides a Channel Island’s Neck Beard without shame?
Let us, like our animal friends, freely live, laugh and
love.
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Beware: Dr. Jen See identifies, categorizes
dangerous new breed of surfing male!
By Jen See
Introducing the Angry Midlengther.
Have you ever looked at the map of California?
I mean, really looked at it? Let’s do that together right now.
Look, there’s Point Conception. There it is, just jutting out there
like a giant cock dangling in the ocean, free and easy. The sharks
are so stoked.
Now let’s trace down the map a little farther. Oh, look, there’s
Santa Barbara. There’s the 101 and Rincon and that one taqueria,
which is totally better than the other taqueria. What a lovely,
gently curving stretch of coastline, it is, right there behind
Point Conception.
The taint. That’s what it is. If Point Conception is a giant
cock, that pretty much makes Santa Barbara the taint.
I am now changing my name and buying a new face on the internet
— you can do that, right? — before a crowd of angry villagers shows
up to run me out of town. But surely you understand. Once you see
it, you really can’t unsee it. There it is. The giant cock. And the
taint.
I’m pretty sure this arrangement is exactly why the waves have
not made it here very often this winter. There’s a giant cock in
the way. We have felt so many emotions — despair, resignation,
anger, bike rides — during this winter that wasn’t really much of a
winter at all. I’m not sure what to call a winter that ended in
February.
Will it ever rain again? Will I run out of Clif Bars before the
world ends? Answers, I don’t have any.
Still, I have persisted. Even without any hope of good waves, I
went surfing. I went surfing for you, because there is important
research to do out there. New anthropological phenomena and other
things I can’t remember right now, I had to go find them. I know
how much you depend on me! I could not bear to let you down.
So, I dragged some small-wave boards out of the pile and dug out
the magnifying glass I keep around for making small things look
bigger, and headed to the beach. Optimistic! I am always
optimistic. If I did not find good waves, perhaps I would discover
some new discoveries. Important ones, even.
There I was, sitting in the lineup, looking for waves, doing
important science, whatever. Suddenly I saw it! A whole new
species. My lucky day had arrived!
Suddenly, the bad waves, the magnifying glass, the small-wave
boards, it was all worth it.
After much careful study and reflection, I have named this new
species the ANML. The ANML is a close relative to Surfline Man,
which we have previously discussed at some length. But worse, so
much worse. After all, Surfline Man’s migratory patterns are
predictable and with only a smidgeon of planning, a smart surfer
can often avoid him.
But the ANML, well, you never really know when you’re going to
see one. You’re out there on a clean, knee-high day, super chill,
just a couple friends, and BAM, there he is. The Angry Midlengther.
Mood, totally killed. (So far, no female ANML’s have been spotted
in the wild.)
The ANML can surf, yes. But he is notable for his very
distinctive approach. He goes straight. Then he goes straight
again. Does the ANML know how to turn? If so, I have never yet seen
it. The ANML believes he has surfing solved. His midlength will
rule it all, and anyone who does not have a board exactly like his,
just doesn’t know what’s up. He has an ego, the ANML and he doesn’t
care who knows it.
Occasionally, an ANML will claim that he is riding his crowd
control board today. Usually, he rides a shortboard, he’ll say,
while gesturing about the lineup, as though to say, but then all of
you people showed up. Bro, that’s not your crowd control board,
you’re just an asshole.
Also, shortboarders ride shortboards. Almost entirely. We are
masochists that way. If we wanted surfing to be easier, we would
chuck it all and move to Seattle.
The ANML has no compunction about burning hapless bystanders. I
have experienced this trait often. No look, no apologies, just go,
man. That wave, you deserve it! The lineup, and every wave in it,
belongs to you and your awesome surfing. You go, ANML!
The ANML never believes he is getting enough waves. He has never
once gotten his fair share. So after each one? He’ll paddle
straight by the rest of the lineup. Right to the front of the line.
Next wave? The ANML has it. Oh, he’s got it. And the next one after
that one, too.
I’ll say this for the ANML, he can paddle. He can paddle when he
wants to, that is. And usually, he wants to. Slap, slap, slap,
gotta hurry, gotta get another wave.
Once in a while, usually when some sad, beleaguered, almost
totally cowed shortboarder is surfing down the line, the ANML will
casually paddle through the pocket, pausing just long enough to
ensure that the shortboarder is fucked completely. Thanks,
ANML!
The ANML believes in resin tints. He doesn’t believe in leashes.
He’s heard of a cutback, but isn’t sure why he should bother to do
one. Instead, he stands there in the middle of his board, points it
straight down the line, and occasionally moves his arms around. He
believes the arm-waving imparts style to his surfing. He is
wrong.
There is no defense against the ANML. If you see one, approach
with extreme caution, if you must approach at all. I recommend
fleeing. It’s not brave and it’s not bold and it’s certainly not
manly, but it will save you hours of hate. And hate is so very
depressive.
The ANMLs are running wild! I’m headed straight back to the
lineup out to learn more, because science is a very important thing
to do. I am a trained professional in such things with a diploma on
the wall and everything. In the meantime, be safe out there! If you
see an ANML, run!
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New England surfers declare themselves
“dangerous menace” to society; ask to be banned from public
beach!
By Chas Smith
"He pointed out qualities of the board – the fin,
nose, and leash – that could injure someone in the water."
California is a very easy state in which to be a
surfer. Virtually all the beaches are public and few laws
govern behavior. Oh sure it is illegal to have booze, pop
fireworks, let dogs run leashless but otherwise freedom reigns.
Even the surfer, grouchy and anti-social, is generally tolerated.
Sometimes, over some stretches, the black ball flag flies high but
it is rare and usually flying high over less than ideal waves.
The same cannot be said for surfers on the United States’ east
coast where draconian laws govern every small detail of beach life.
No surfing here, no surfing there, no surfing during these months,
no surfing during these times.
Well, the Cape Ann Surfers Union in Gloucester, Massachusetts
recently met with their city council in order to extend the surfing
calendar where currently, per Article III subsection H-2, “Surfing
is prohibited between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. from Memorial
Day to Labor Day, without the permission of the lifeguard.”
Many “pro” arguments were offered. Surfing being good for
health, good for the environment, good for local businesses
etc.
Another non-unionized group of surfers, however, asked that the
rules be kept in place seeing that our kind is degenerate and
dangerous and let us go directly to the Gloucester
Times for first hand reporting:
Carrying a 10-foot tall long surfboard to the podium, two
local surfers expressed their concerns with the community’s safety
if the requested changes were to occur.
“The surfers union, in my estimation, gave a very
idealistic, fun view of surfing that was beneficial to the surf
community. Not beneficial to the swimmer, beach-going community,”
surfer John O’Hara said to a Times reporter following the meeting.
“I am not an opposition group. I am coming from more of an
educational and safety point of view.”
He pointed out qualities of the board – the fin, nose, and
leash – that could injure someone in the water.
“Between nine and ten (in the morning), the beach crowd
increases significantly,” O’Hara said. “So by extending that to 11
a.m., to me, is incredibly dangerous.”
Other long-time surfers agree.
“Good Harbor is not a surf destination, unless you plan on
visiting Addison Gilbert (Hospital),” Gloucester resident Paul
Feenie said.
I agree with John O’Hara. Any board longer than 5’11 is not only
dangerous but evil and the city council should take them out and
try to sink them all in the Atlantic and if they don’t sink that
means the long boards are witches and should be burned at the
stake.
A fine little town called Salem is just a stone’s throw away and
the burning can be done there.
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Bullish Outlook for tour opener as Corona
Open threatened by CoronaVirus: “Queensland is the safest place in
the world!”
By Longtom
Global pandemic stops at Queensland border…
So I called the Gold Coast City Council with the season
opener three weeks away to the day.
“Name, phone number,” the lady ordered.
I’d got through to some department or other – god, I hate these
phone calls, so Kafkaesque –and then she said: something,
something, Corona Open.
No, I thought, I mean the Quik Pro, before the devilish,
devilish realisation dawned.
The Corona Open could be shitcanned by the CoronaVirus.
Which is why I was calling, of course.
As is the way with these bureaucracies I was glad-handed over to
some other department, to get flak-catched by some twenty-something
bright-as-a-button journalism graduate now working in Comms for the
gubbermint.
One hundred thousand Covid-19 cases worldwide, fifty-nine in
Australia, state of emergency declared in California, three
thousand Queenslanders ordered to self-isolate, global pandemic
imminent according to WHO.
Sporting events around the globe cancelled or postponed
including soccer, rugby, boxing, tennis, beach volleyball, hockey,
weightlifting, possibly even the Olympics themselves.
That’s right now, as of today.
And there’s our little ol’ Corona Open, looking to pick up all
the global marketing brownie points that Quiksilver left under the
table after they abandoned their signature event and looking very
vulnerable to an uninsurable act of God.
Is there a contingency in place to postpone or cancel?
Calls to the Corona Open number on the website are fielded by
polite gals from the WSL, who cannot offer any information but
promise a call back from someone who can.
Not forthcoming.
Sophie’s finest hour was staring down Tourism WA and cancelling
the Margaret River Pro in 2018 due to sharks; re-shifting it to
Ulu’s to be finished straight after Keramas was wrapped a total
stroke of genius.
A positive spin on a Corona virus cancellation of the Corona
Open would be a wall of positive noise not even Elo could
construct.
Queensland Department of Health cannot confirm or deny any
contingency in place for large sporting events and public
gatherings to be cancelled due to the virus.
Finally, after much phone calling a spokesman is found at the
Queensland Tourism Minister’s office.
He scoffed at any possibility of the event being cancelled.
“Queensland is one of the safest places to visit in the world,”
he said.
That sounds true enough.
He said they were following the chief health officers advice to
the letter and that more events were needed, not less.
“Come on down and have a Corona at the Corona Open!” he
said.
“I intend to have several sir, based on that bullish outlook,” I
replied.
All this panic buying and loo paper hoarding and scary
conspiracy talk is just a hoax, surely?
This is a flu, not even.
I’m very, very bullish.
A best-case scenario could eventuate, that being Queensland
schools are closed and the entire grommet population is let loose
at Snapper Rocks for a week.
Obviously, if the event is held across the border at D-bah we
have a problem.
So, with Queensland Tourism behind the event and holding solid,
and as long as no one blinks at the WSL we’re off the races in
three weeks, right?