No surfing! How will Surfline Man survive this strange and uncertain new world.
When we last saw Surfline Man, he was bobbing around the lineup, explaining to his friends why their boards were all wrong.
You know, that board would work totally better with different fins.
Oh, you got Futures? I always get FCS2.
They just work, you know? You should try them sometime.
Two weeks from now! Two weeks from now, it’s gona be firing, brah!
That’s all over now.
Surfline Man is stuck at home in San Clemente. His shiny Sprinter Van sits idle in the driveway. His quiver stands untouched in the garage, dry and lonely. No surfing! How will Surfline Man survive this strange and uncertain new world.
Surfline Man still gets up every day and checks the cams. Look at those sets! It’s totally firing. Should he drive up to Huntington? He could go surf Huntington, but would it even be worth it? Probably not, really. He considers sneaking into Trestles, but how super embarrassing would it be if he got caught.
That’s bad vibes, brah, he texts his buddy.
Gotta respect the rules, you know?
Don’t want to be like those guys in the boat!
Surfline Man is many things, but he tries really hard not to be an asshole. It’s just that all that trying doesn’t always work out for him.
Even though there’s no surfing, Surfline Man is keeping busy. He would not want to waste time with, like, doing nothing or chilling on the couch. Surfline Man is not chill, generally.
So he bought some kettlebells and twice each day, he does a work-out he found online.
He’s also been trying yoga. So good for my back, brah, I feel like a totally new person! I’m going to surf so much better when this is all over.
Can’t wait to hit the water!
The new foam roller he ordered from Amazon is doing wonders. It hurts like a motherfucker, but all the pros use them, you know. And he’s fucking crushing his ab workouts. Surfline Man is gona be so ripped when all this is over.
You just gotta be consistent, you know? Every day, man, just don’t skip a workout ever. Surfline Man has a lot of advice.
Surfline Man gets text messages (Somehow he has friends): hey im playing halo this afternoon, come hang on twitch
Surfline Man: Sorry, brah, can’t. Baking bread. Got a new sourdough recipe!
Surfline Man is really into bread now. He got this killer sourdough starter from his ex-girlfriend’s best friend. You have to feed it all the time, you know. But fresh baked bread is so good.
I’ve been working on my technique, just checking out different recipes and all. I think I’ve got the perfect one now. You gotta try it! No more grocery stores, man, I’m going to make all my own food from now on.
Surfline Man made his own cotton mask, too. There’s instructions on the internet, you just sew it together. Super easy! Come on, man, it’s the right thing to do.
Surfline Man always does the right thing. You should wear one. Here, I made this for you. Sorry it’s pink! My ex left her t-shirt at my house, figured I might as well use it.
Eventually, Surfline Man gives up on surf forecasts, I mean, if I can’t surf, why check it, right?
Instead, Surfline Man is tracking Corona cases hour by hour.
Oh, shit, Truckee is looking hot.
Watch out Brooklyn, it’s coming for you. Check out Seattle, though, they’ve got it together there.
Nah, that’s not the right model to watch, you got to watch this one!
This one is totally accurate. Surfline Man believes the Corona models as devoutly as he ever believed the surf forecasts. We’re gonna get through this, man, we just have to wait 23 more days. That’s what the model says. Surfline Man believes in science, especially when it tells him what he wants to hear.
Why would it lie?
It’s going be firing, brah!
Quit your day job
Oh I get it … I’m trained in and practice the scientific method daily … you could say it I say it is my religion
Sure, it’s the tyranny of the null hypothesis. Nothing can be proven … only disproved. Of course weight of evidence plays into it but they are just all theories …
Science is still based on faith.
Facts are just one observation away from being disproved.
I’m amused and horrified at the same time.
I don’t think we’ve met before…
SF techie Surfline man spending lockdown (of others) pondering volume in liters…vs litres…vs maybe time to buy a kite foiling board…vs damn my Uber options are underwater ….vs hey let’s all meet at Kelly’s tomorrow and hump each other even though we shouldn’t
Great work Jen. So good.
“Don’t trust Surfline. Surfline is ass-hoe!”
Does he always wear a Patagonia micro puff jacket?
Why not just drive north a few hours? Ain’t there lots of uncrowded beach between LA and SF?
Swell hypers are the worst.
I was into baking bread bae, just sayin’.
Surfline Man, you really DO exist!
i thought this was all about you. projection and all that. lol.
We’ve a slight variation here: the furiously intermediate.
Skilled enough to make it out most days, and position for waves, but surf horribly. Low, squat styles due to too much time at the gym making them top heavy. Ride JS and DHDs. Wear Hurley or Rip Curl wetties usually, though have recently moved onto Need. Barber buzz cuts. Drive nice cars.
Love surf watches as they’re like Strava.
Do you think furiously intermediate is too generous? The advanced kook, maybe more accurate?
The AK47’s
No cos they’re good enough to stand, do turns etc. it just looks horrible. Surely you’d know the type I’m referring to, eastern suburbs are thick with them
I think we need to get the definitive differentiations nailed down. I’m not sure where ‘Advanced Kook’ and
1/. Pros we respect
2/. Pros we don’t respect
3/. Soul Surfers
4/. Sold surfers
5/. Ex-Pros scratching around on the QS in vain glorious hope, but all they are really doing is keeping Category 6-ers out
6/. Younger shredders who are exploring the QS, but can’t quite compete because they haven’t grown into their bodies
7/. Local Ripper. Potential but too addled by drugs to go further than the local comp
8/. Local Cruiser/Furiously Intermediate. Hasn’t improved in the last 10 years, but doesn’t care because they live there and can sponge waves off the higher ups by longevity.
9/. Local/Advanced Kook. Hopeless, but tolerated because they have a nice house and chuck on the occasional BBQ for the higher ups.
10/. VALs. Out of town clowns that slink through and shit everybody. Including each other.
#9 … but working hard to move up a rung
jimmy! how’s the peepin?
It’s like you just described my home town man.
Did you see the fucking crowds today
No, had work, how was it? I did see the wrap up on on the news.. looked.. extreme I must say.
Newy and stretch were diabolical, and I hear redhead was similar. Couldn’t even bring myself to surf. And the sun is meant to be out tomorrow!
Grim times.. imma fuel up and head south!
That just about describes 70% of surfers on the East Coast…
Excessively manscaped as well? Because they saw Medina do it and he’s a pro surfer?
Just your content.
Thank goodness. I am Surfline Dad. I yell at my kid to “open your shoulders, bend the back knee more, strike more vertically!” from the jetty when the sun is barely up and there are crisp 1′-2′ peelers. I pulled him out of preschool so we could train harder. I hired multiple ex B-level pros to “coach” him. I “invested” $20K into high-def camera gear & telephoto lenses to capture his shredding. This is all paying off so far here are the benefits of my hard work and dedication:
1) wife left us
2) got a free traction pad from Octopus Traction
3) got $25 off a custom board from ____________
4) home school could be a good opportunity for me to learn some new skills also
5) Kolohe said “what’s up” to us on the trail one time
5) we eat Acai Bowls for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (with protein powder)
6) attending Laird’s breathing class when Covid 19 mellows
7) I love Beach Grit, CoronaTime would be 1000X worse without it
Is that you, John Wayne Freeman?
My name is not important, what is important is that my son will be the next Kanoa Medina Andino. Bank on it. He’s out at the pier now in poo-water working on his foam climbs and drop-wallets.
If you name your kid Medina and Andino does he end up being an aggressive loser or an incompetent winner?
He ends up being the ultimate cyborg like a cross between Kawhi Leonard and Gary Elkerton.
Im already doing beer bread, but you’ve given me a new idea.
I’m going to make a new musical instrument that is a cross between kettle drums and tubular bells (they’re the coolest thing ever made because of the ‘tubular’ bit), and call them, wait for it…
KettleBells !
That’s one way to pull a root!
Jen you are the best! By any chance does Surfline Man live in North County San Diego and practice Jiu Jitsu? Does he “warm up” with his new Lost/Carver collab skateboard? Does he play golf when the surf sucks and wear Titleist hats and Travis Matthew polo shirts tucked in? Does he have 3 various size soft tops to use when the Blackball comes out? Does he have a lifted 2-wheel drive “Mex Rig?” Does he have a tattoo of a wave somewhere prominently displayed on his once muscular body? Is his LinkedIn profile photo a surfing shot of an ill-timed turn on a soft section at some overcrowd jetty? Am I Surfline Man? And if so…..
haha,yes! those stupid fucking skateboards with the broken trucks and dickheads thinking they are in dogtown and z-boys. Wiggling their arses around in the carpark.
nailed it Twinnie!!!!
Sounds like surfline man used to be in a fraternity and is pretty much a jock/basic bro kinda guy.
Were we in the same fraternity?
I paddled out in Huntington. Took off on a massive set wave, made the drop — yewww!! Only to realize a guy was already on it. FML – send me back to quarantine.
Ha. I gave a set wave to chick on a fibreglass boogie board. And they were few and far between too.
Fibreglass boogie boards?
Thought they were a myth