Know before you go!
On Monday I tucked my favorite board under my arm, slung my backpack over my shoulders, and wandered down to the beach. The buoys suggested that there might be waves, which sounded damn fun to me and a break in the storm track made nasty winds unlikely.
There I was, happily scampering down the trail, blissfully ignorant of what I would find in the lineup. Oh, there seem to be a lot of people out, I thought, as I tugged my wetsuit over my hips. I shrugged. It is the first day without terrible, angry winds, of course people want to go surfing, I thought. It’ll be fine.
I did not know it was a Surfline Day, when untold hordes come crawling out from every nook and cranny. There is surf today! Everyone go surfing! Omg! And, obediently, Surfline Man and all his besties go surfing.
Surfline Man has the app and the notifications. Surfline Man gets the newsletter. Is there a newsletter? If there is, Surfline Man has it and reads every last word of every edition. Surfline Man spends many hours thinking about surfing. He scrutinizes every swell forecast meticulously. He loves all the colors and arrows. Someone once told him about a site called 17ft, but it was just a bunch of numbers. What the fuck is he supposed to do with that? Surfline Man needs his colors and arrows.
Surfline Man is an expert. He knows all the swell angles and he knows all the best spots. Rincon? Yah, brah, that place won’t be good today. It needs a longer period. Like, a 310-degree swell at 18 seconds. You don’t want to go there today. You’re totally gona get skunked. Surfline Man likes to believe he’s scoring somewhere no one else would possibly think to go. Surfline Man is generally wrong in his expectations.
Without his entourage, Surfline Man is nothing. He never surfs alone. If he went surfing alone, he would have no one to impress with his deep knowledge of surfing. Surfline Man always brings a carefully selected friend or two to surf with him. Carefully selected, because they must be worse at surfing than he is.
Surfline Man has a lot of opinions about boards. He privately thinks his friend’s board has too much volume, but he’s trying not to say anything. Eventually, though, he can’t help himself. It does have a lot of volume, bro, he says, eyeing the colorful fish that his friend is attempting to ride. His friend will play along, because after all, he got a free ride to the beach today. Anyway, he likes his board just fine. Sure, it’s got volume, but that’s how to catch more waves. Everyone knows that.
He’ll tell you all about his fins and how they work and how they’re so much better than the old fins he used to ride. He doesn’t really know why, of course. But he will go on and on for far too long about what he read on the website and what the reviewers said and what he saw on Youtube. Obviously, they’re better than your fins.
If you want to talk about boards in the lineup, Surfline Man is your guy. He’ll tell you in infinite detail all about why his board works so perfect, man. Taking ten set waves on the head is generally preferable.
You might be thinking that Surfline Man sounds like an Asshole, and it’s true that there is some overlap between the two species. When Surfline Man burns one of two women in the lineup on a decent day, he is also an Asshole with a capital A. Beneath his surface knowledge, Surfline Man is sometimes very insecure and he expresses his insecurity by acting like a sexist dickhead. Don’t be a sexist dickhead in the lineup. It is bad.
More commonly, though, Surfline Man is the golden retriever of surfers. He is stoked! So stoked! He wants everyone to know how stoked he is! Surfing is the best and he loves it so much.
He walks back to the car, reliving every single one of his waves. He’s generous, too. He’ll be just as enthusiastic about the waves his buddies rode when it’s all said and done. Dude, that one turn you did, it was so mental. Praising his buddies makes him feel good and helps him retain his feelings of superiority. He knows what a good turn looks like! He is an expert.
Surfline Man arrives at his car and carefully unfolds his changing mat. His precious wetsuit must not touch the ground, though he probably won’t get around to rinsing it out later. Life moves so fast. Check out my rinse kit, bro, it’s the best! Warm water, and I don’t even have to shower later. My girlfriend bought it for me for my birthday.
Yes, Surfline Man has the rinse kit and the changing mat and the poncho. It’s so hard to change with a towel, bro. You should totally get one of these ponchos. It’s so much easier. Surfline Man has a lot of advice.
But he had the best time! Back at the car, and he’s already checking the forecasts. Check this out, he says, showing his buddy his phone. Next Wednesday, it’s gona be firing! I bet we’re totally going to score!
With his technology, his accessories, and his perfect board, the Surfline Man is a perpetual optimist. It’s always going to be good and he’s always going to score. You just have to stay on top of the forecasts, bro. You just have to be in the know. It’s gona be so epic!