Know before you go!
On Monday I tucked my favorite board under my arm, slung my backpack over my shoulders, and wandered down to the beach. The buoys suggested that there might be waves, which sounded damn fun to me and a break in the storm track made nasty winds unlikely.
There I was, happily scampering down the trail, blissfully ignorant of what I would find in the lineup. Oh, there seem to be a lot of people out, I thought, as I tugged my wetsuit over my hips. I shrugged. It is the first day without terrible, angry winds, of course people want to go surfing, I thought. It’ll be fine.
I did not know it was a Surfline Day, when untold hordes come crawling out from every nook and cranny. There is surf today! Everyone go surfing! Omg! And, obediently, Surfline Man and all his besties go surfing.
Surfline Man has the app and the notifications. Surfline Man gets the newsletter. Is there a newsletter? If there is, Surfline Man has it and reads every last word of every edition. Surfline Man spends many hours thinking about surfing. He scrutinizes every swell forecast meticulously. He loves all the colors and arrows. Someone once told him about a site called 17ft, but it was just a bunch of numbers. What the fuck is he supposed to do with that? Surfline Man needs his colors and arrows.
Surfline Man is an expert. He knows all the swell angles and he knows all the best spots. Rincon? Yah, brah, that place won’t be good today. It needs a longer period. Like, a 310-degree swell at 18 seconds. You don’t want to go there today. You’re totally gona get skunked. Surfline Man likes to believe he’s scoring somewhere no one else would possibly think to go. Surfline Man is generally wrong in his expectations.
Without his entourage, Surfline Man is nothing. He never surfs alone. If he went surfing alone, he would have no one to impress with his deep knowledge of surfing. Surfline Man always brings a carefully selected friend or two to surf with him. Carefully selected, because they must be worse at surfing than he is.
Surfline Man has a lot of opinions about boards. He privately thinks his friend’s board has too much volume, but he’s trying not to say anything. Eventually, though, he can’t help himself. It does have a lot of volume, bro, he says, eyeing the colorful fish that his friend is attempting to ride. His friend will play along, because after all, he got a free ride to the beach today. Anyway, he likes his board just fine. Sure, it’s got volume, but that’s how to catch more waves. Everyone knows that.
He’ll tell you all about his fins and how they work and how they’re so much better than the old fins he used to ride. He doesn’t really know why, of course. But he will go on and on for far too long about what he read on the website and what the reviewers said and what he saw on Youtube. Obviously, they’re better than your fins.
If you want to talk about boards in the lineup, Surfline Man is your guy. He’ll tell you in infinite detail all about why his board works so perfect, man. Taking ten set waves on the head is generally preferable.
You might be thinking that Surfline Man sounds like an Asshole, and it’s true that there is some overlap between the two species. When Surfline Man burns one of two women in the lineup on a decent day, he is also an Asshole with a capital A. Beneath his surface knowledge, Surfline Man is sometimes very insecure and he expresses his insecurity by acting like a sexist dickhead. Don’t be a sexist dickhead in the lineup. It is bad.
More commonly, though, Surfline Man is the golden retriever of surfers. He is stoked! So stoked! He wants everyone to know how stoked he is! Surfing is the best and he loves it so much.
He walks back to the car, reliving every single one of his waves. He’s generous, too. He’ll be just as enthusiastic about the waves his buddies rode when it’s all said and done. Dude, that one turn you did, it was so mental. Praising his buddies makes him feel good and helps him retain his feelings of superiority. He knows what a good turn looks like! He is an expert.
Surfline Man arrives at his car and carefully unfolds his changing mat. His precious wetsuit must not touch the ground, though he probably won’t get around to rinsing it out later. Life moves so fast. Check out my rinse kit, bro, it’s the best! Warm water, and I don’t even have to shower later. My girlfriend bought it for me for my birthday.
Yes, Surfline Man has the rinse kit and the changing mat and the poncho. It’s so hard to change with a towel, bro. You should totally get one of these ponchos. It’s so much easier. Surfline Man has a lot of advice.
But he had the best time! Back at the car, and he’s already checking the forecasts. Check this out, he says, showing his buddy his phone. Next Wednesday, it’s gona be firing! I bet we’re totally going to score!
With his technology, his accessories, and his perfect board, the Surfline Man is a perpetual optimist. It’s always going to be good and he’s always going to score. You just have to stay on top of the forecasts, bro. You just have to be in the know. It’s gona be so epic!
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I enjoyed this too much. Don’t forget their vehicles of choice, a new SUV or sprinter van to make sure they bring 5 boards per person
ha yeah…..jeez wish that wind would switch..I would have frozen today, and the dog too
Oh look I could not agree more. But I do not work for Quiksilver. I do however have a vhs tape of that show which a friend of mine is transferring to digital! So, you know, bingo. I’m gonna try and get Tom to sit with me and we can do a running commentary over it.
No worries Jen I’ve “known” you and your BF (John?) for years….from the water but land is different, I’m ending up being the guy looking for arrowheads,instead of being first one out. (ask Dana or Greg for verification haha)
I hide down here in Cito, cause its kinda weird…..poverty stricken serf and all that……..but that dog in the surf? Im a bit of an animal lover. I have 5 dogs I care for here at the grounds up the street (7 cats, whole bunch of parrots too) so the idea of that labradoodle drowning made me breech social beach etiquette and ask for your help!! Good job BTW…I think he may have been fine?, but swimming against the rip there? (I hate that south messy rip…funky,) He saw you and Ithink decided to make a push in. Knucklehead dogs like that, focused as they are, he probably spent the day doing that same thing over and over. Like a surfer?
Hope you guys got some good ones when it glassed off? The end of the street looked a bit reasonable also, as did that other little point. Stupid wind chop though.
twillo enjoy
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
no not at all. he rips comes across as a bit of a tool but that maybe a cultural thing.
no I was actually referring to the noel wanna be out there
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
You should try being a Surfline consultant! Surfline Men ask you questions in the lineup. All The Time.
Yesterday a Surfline Man asked me how to enter the Molokai race, he has never paddled a racing board before. He then asked me where he could get a poster of lil bro surfing Pipeline.
Next President 4 Sure
Essentially every VA Beacher that comes to the OBX, thank you.
The most aggravating feature by far. There is a Surfline crew in my area, they end up at my regular spot occasionally. Always 3-4 of them, same chatter every every time. Boards, swell period, bro dude bro dude, overly loud laughing at non jokes, attempts at after the fact wave/ride descriptions that just suck. If I am at a peak, surfing alone and I see them walking down the cliff I can be sure they will paddle up on the same peak. I don’t even acknowledge them now. I make it as awkward as possible.
Mc Amazonsurfline!
Surfline man often overlaps with TechAholeBro up here in San Francisco. Double your pleasure. Double your douche
Not at all. Chas is as open to self deprecating humor as the rest of us.
I spent the first 7 years catching the train to go surfing , the next 10 years driving at least 10 minutes often much longer , before 20 years of living behind the dunes with no car , telephone or internet . The luxury was that I could walk to surf and walk to work . Currently living an 1 hr from the nearest spot in the Baltic Sea and hoping to be back to the Pacific next year.
You are so core, Jen. Just. So. Core.
Me: I love my warm toasty poncho as the temp plummets, change mat that keeps that dog and cow-shit-laden mud at bay, and knowing when I can slot in the best session in a busy week that is aimed at keeping family bellies full and heads dry. And I do not have time to be faffing about spending multiple dollars on multiple boards as the lad custom shaping me another board assures me this one, this one will get it right.
But, you know … CORE!
thatsthejoke.gif
now watch my spray come off this turn!
west coast is complete opposite, 5-7ft is usually knee high.
thankfully ive never met swellnet man but im sure he will be at my beach soon!
This is as good as it gets Jen, easy top 5 ‘articles’ of the year. I am very unfortunate to have not 1 but 2 of these ‘numbers guys’ in my work environment, does my fucken head in daily hearing about how spot x is going to be pumping in 11 days time. Fuck off!!!, they can barely predict this afternoon’s weather let alone 5 days away. This subject is very close to my heart, thank you for the back up.