“If you can get up out of your bed in the morning from laying down to standing on land, I tell you what, you can get up on a surfboard.”
A week ago, Kelly Slater blocked BeachGrit and me on Instagram and my whole world began to crumble. How could I know what the world’s greatest surfer was doing? What he thought about this or that? Depression washed in like a flood, rotting my very foundation, plaster falling off the walls in sickening thuds.
How could I continue to call my self a surf journalist?
Well, the sun also rises and the very next day I rolled out of bed feeling inspired. Eyes opened. Seeing things fresh through the holes in my world’s walls, the massive visage of the World’s Greatest Surfer no longer blocking my view.
There are other surfers out there, surfers with more titles and accolades to whom I’d been blind.
Surfers like 15 x World Champion surfer Zane Schweitzer… 15 x World Champion (4 x more World Championships than Kelly Slater)… who just happens to be teaching remote surf lessons during quarantine and using Miss Hawaii 2018 as his model.
Unbelievable? Let’s bend our ears and listen.
“Surfing itself is something that comes with a few simple steps that I can share with you right here, right now,” Schweitzer said.
And just like that my cyber surf lesson begins.
“This is Kim, she’s Miss Hawaii here in 2018. Actually our first date was surfing and now she is a very avid surfer. She’s like a prime example and gonna be our model today to help you guys understand our surf tips,” Schweitzer said.
First up — paddling.
“We’re gonna keep our head arched and reach out with forward with our hands paddling and that’s step No. 1,” Schweitzer said.
Now the hardest part, the pop-up.
“Now, step No. 2. We’re gonna lift up nice and tall, we’re going to bring our back knee under our hips, then we’re gonna bring our front foot forward under the chest. Now comes the fun part, twist your hips, plant your back foot from knee to the foot and lift,” Schweitzer said.
Finally the key to it all — balance.
“If you can get up out of your bed in the morning from laying down to standing on land, I tell you what, you can get up on a surfboard,” Schweitzer said.
Wonderful and if your partner would like a surf lesson you can order it for him/her here but before you go can I ask a quick few questions?
How’s Kelly doing? Does he look happy? Healthy? Is he still on Australia’s Gold Coast or has he fled?
Any new, exiting developments with Outerknown? Breitling?
Is he eating well?
Using sunscreen?
Taking care of his emotional health?
You’ll let me know, yes?
This is INZANE!
This guy definitely had a poster of Kai Lenny and a box of tissues next to his bed
From what I understand the GOAT is snorkelling off Sydney’s northern beaches, peering at tiny sharks.
Do you mean Bob Slater ?
Is he with his (supposed) girlfriend and/or guru by any chance ?
Though if you mean an actual goat, I know a guy who uses them as sharkbait and has had quite a bit of success with them. Paid his way through University by catching a few sharks using goats as bait every year and selling their jaws…
Oh there’s only one GOAT. I dunno, he’s just hanging out doing this and that. If Kalani’s around she’s pretty invisible.
That is a lovely lawn they are set up on
That girl looks really pretty…but I could never date a Hawaiian girl. It would be devastating to my already fragile self esteem
(Scoffs into her hand) “you call that 8 inches buddy…it’s lucky to be 4”
Why do VAL’s say pop up? European VAL’s love casually dropping it into convo. When I was a grom 30 years ago you didn’t hear that term, and if you said it you’d be beaten the fuck up. Now, there’s no fucken recourse. Can we beat up VAL’s?
Permission granted on behalf of The People.
I dunno why but this term has inched it’s way my vocab.. I’m no VAL but I am sometimes vulnerable.. How complicated does step 2 sound.. Glad that shit is muscle memory, I’d hate to be learning the “pop up” as an adult!
Yeh I’m surprised by all the focus on it these days…
I’d say yes, just to be safe.
I’m repulsed by that fuckwit term too.
I thought it meant ads on shit internet sites, and now they’ve brought it into our domain.
I was also sickened when the general populace started ‘surfing the web’ years ago in reference to looking at crap on the internet.
Bashing people who say those sorts of things is to be encouraged in my humble opinion…
“We” used to call it a pop up back in 08 when I did a few year stint as a dreaded surf instructor.
What else are you supposed to call it? takeoff? wiggle to your feet? the Frankenstein? the rise and shine?
Chas you couldn’t even be bothered to go to Zane’s page and see that he is a “Waterman, Author, Motivational Speaker and Environmentalist”. Really top level journalism.
https://zaneschweitzer.com/
He’s a 15X World Champion AND 2x Ultimate Waterman.
https://zaneschweitzer.com/…
I went to his site and could find no reference to the actual sport he got 15 world titles in.
Was left to presume they’re suping titles as there’s many photos of him with a paddle…
Oh I went. Went and marveled.
No one does pathological self-promotion like the Yanks.
A family of 6 could get up on that board.
I’ve only seen a few clips of The Last Dance, but it seems being the GOAT can be a curse well into your golden years.
So..you have that going for you Chas.
getting blocked by someone reveals submission and cowardliness on their part.
kelly should bow down before beachgrit and kiss thy feet.
15x world champ ya say? Let’s see what’s included in that number:
https://www.nowfoods.com/no…
Looks like a resume that our friend Elo would be very proud of!
And where is kellys girlfriend ? The one who was giving him board advice in the (in)famous ‘guru’ video at the wave trough.
And where is the guru ?
Was the girlfriend real ?
Is the guru real ?
Where they just comical ‘plants’ to fool us all into thinking he’d lost his marbles ?
So many questions need answering…