"I don't like the odds of there being many 'responsible surfers' out there."

And who could have ever guessed, at the very beginning of 2020 when it was revealed that a Chinese man either ate, or fiddled with, a bat and unleashed a heretofore unknown disease into the world that surfers and surfing would end up center stage?

Truth is stranger than fiction, I suppose, but here we are with surfers and surfing dominating the debate over responsible behavior in the time of Coronavirus. New York Times features of Huntington Beach protests. Nightly news broadcasts of “crowded” lineups from Bondi to The Wedge.

Op-eds flying back and forth.

Yesterday, for example, you read here the wonderful story of Transhumanist Zoltan who dared surf in a nearby town. A small act of defiance that should be understood and applauded by surfers everywhere?

I would have thought, but this pandemic has laid bare who we really are. Dirty, rat fink snitches and Zoltan caught hell on social media with many surfers viciously criticizing his decision, some even imagining that Bolinas, California, a stone’s throw from San Francisco, is “secret.”

Well, as things work, the sensible surf media came swinging in to condemn Transhumanist souls yearning to surf free and shall we read a snippet from Stab magazine?

Examples like the above are obviously hypothetical, but I know several individuals who have driven either south or north of Sydney since the beach closures, one of which later had a Covid scare. In theory, local beach openings are fine, and a good way for people to exercise while keeping their distance, but the reality is much trickier; a point which the author of the Times article strangely seems to agree with. “[Q]uarantine rules must apply to everyone or the plan to flatten the curve doesn’t work.” A strange point considering he goes on to argue “responsible surfers” should be granted the rights to paddle out, get tubbed (read: nosedive for most of us), and head home. But with surfers spruiking 5G conspiracy theories online and surf media outlets referring to lockdown proponents as “the Gestapo”, I don’t like the odds of there being many “responsible surfers” out there.

Wait, surf media outlets referring to lockdown proponents as “the Gestapo?” Well that’s li’l ol’ BeachGrit. Maybe our suspicion of draconian laws and newly empowered enforcers, our wondering if sitting out in the ocean ain’t the worst thing ever, our questioning of wholesale trash-canned liberty, our not hopping right up into the seat of judgment in order to define “responsibility” is only born from the fact that we haven’t had “Covid scares.”

Don’t you either have the disease or not?

Is there some middle way I’m missing?

Whichever the case, what percentage of surfers, worldwide, do you think are on Team Tudor vs. Team Skindog?

Months ago, when Ken “Skindog” Collins posted on Instagram that surfers should observe “stay-at-home” rules and Joel Tudor made fun, the battle lines were drawn.

Initially, I thought surfers would break 70 – 30 for Tudor. I understand, now, that it is a solid 85 – 15 for Skinny.

Wild.

Absolutely wild what self-righteous, spineless little tattle-tales we are.

"He surfs the thing all the way into the shore I’m like, ‘it took me like three weeks to do that.’"

And how many things are you properly good at? Like, not only proud of your ability/talent but other people also acknowledge and are sometimes amazed by your skill? I’ve got one but it’s a good one.

Parallel parking.

I can whip any sized vehicle into any sized space with a casual/cool right arm on passenger seat back, twisting my head over the right shoulder, sunglasses down bridge of nose, slightly, not because they interfere but because that studied look goes well in the parallel parking game.

Vehicle backs in, I crank the wheel straight, pull forward and there we have it.

No fussing about with extra movements.

No do-overs, ever.

Oh, I wish I was as good at surfing but not everyone can be Kelly Slater or ex-Phoenix Sun all-star point guard and certain first ballot Hall of Famer Steve Nash.

The Golden State Warriors’ Hall of Fame coach Steve Kerr, who happened to be the general magic for three years during Nash’s sparkling run, went on a podcast, recently, and discussed how the Canadian also happens to be the best VAL in the entire world and here, I shall transcribe for you because who has time for anymore podcast listening?

Steve Nash came out to visit me in San Diego, probably seven or eight years ago, and I used to surf at that time, and he had never surfed before. So he, he decided to paddle out, he said ‘well what do I do?’ and I’m not a very good surfer, but I tried to give him my advice. We paddle out there, and I said, ‘hey, just you know, paddle into this, you want to do is you turn the board and you paddle. And then you kind of stand, you know, you try to stand up, you pop up real quick and now it’s probably going to take a few times,’ and he’s like, ‘okay.’ The first wave comes he paddles twice he pops up he’s surfing. He surfs the thing all the way into the shore I’m like, ‘it took me like three weeks to do that.’

Wow.

But also, we have reached a moment, I think, when we must consider that the World Surf League might never come back. That financial pressures, an “evolving” pandemic etc. could make professional surfing for an audience of 20k “unviable.”

Now, we could replace with the World VAL League though might I suggest the World Parallel Parking League?

Picture with me exotic, crowded Hong Kong, Tokyo, New York, Sydney, Paris, Copenhagen, Moscow. The world’s best parallel parkers in the world’s busiest cities. Every turn makes a title. There would be judging, of course, as well as good, old fashioned “beat the clock” action.

Speed, power, flow.

Tell me you aren’t excited.

Strange days.

Though did you ever see the film Strange Days starring a younger Ralph Fiennes, Angela Bassett, Juliette Lewis, Vince D’Onofrio etc? It wasn’t the best movie ever made, of course, but a semi-fun dystopian look at the near future. Similar to Back to the Future II.

Escape from L.A.

Videodrome.

And, my goodness, our apocalyptic future looked so grim but exciting back then. Everything a grey + neon swirl with mini-CDs as currency. We are living in it now, of course, and it is neither grey nor neon just the same colors as always, with the mini-CD technology vanishing too quickly and… Oh, I don’t know. If I’m being honest very disappointing.

Sure, there the petrodollar’s collapse is imminent and that will lead to a global economic crash, a Chinese-crafted disease is ripping through immuno-compromised populations and the Great White shark has vacated once-fertile False Bay in South Africa but where did they go?

According to Australia’s ABC news:

Only a few years ago, scientists estimated there were between 300 and 500 great white sharks in South Africa’s False Bay. Now, they have completely disappeared.

While local surfers might have relaxed, the absence of the apex predators is alarming to scientists, and the lucrative industries that rely on their presence.

“I’ve spent my entire life in the field watching these animals on a daily basis,” local cage dive operator and wildlife photographer Chris Fallows says.

“When the waters go quiet, both above and below the surface, and these predators are not there, it sounds huge alarm bells.”

Etc.

Etc.

Theory.

Theory until we get to…

“Flake” has long been a staple in Australian diets, but overfishing of gummy and school shark populations led to protection of the two species in our waters in the early 1990s.

In order to meet demand, Australia began importing “flake”, mostly from New Zealand and, more recently, from South Africa.

Australia’s seafood labelling laws require that any fresh or frozen fish sold must be labelled with the country of origin, but once the seafood is cooked, these laws no longer apply.

In many cases, it is impossible to know where or how the fish you’re eating at your local cafe, restaurant or fish and chips shop was caught.

“Australians commonly refer to shark meat as ‘flake’, but it can be sold as ‘pearl fillet’, it can be sold as ‘boneless fillet’ and it can be sold as ‘monkfish’. There’s no legal obligation to actually call it what it is,” Dr Guida says.

With 70 per cent of the seafood we consume in Australia coming from overseas, this poses significant challenges to traceability and accountability, disempowers consumers and impacts Australia’s reputation as a leader in sustainability.

I suppose that’s a sort of dystopian vision I can really get behind. Disturbing, certainly. Very grim but also exciting?

Oh, I don’t know.

These are strange days.