Sal, tell me it wasn't you who went to the cops?

Number one: Surfing only sport “publicly shaming and humiliating” itself!

Am I right? Are surfers the greatest snitches on earth?

Did it ever occur to you, when you started surfing as a little boy or girl, head filled with dreams of fibreglass making a fizzing sound as you cut through the green walls, older surfers with broad brown backs and terrifying scowls getting any wave they wanted, society broadly…worried…about your obsession, that it would one day turn into a gulag of self-imprisoned snitches, crybabies and worryworts, reduced to cowering in their rooms in fear of a virus that only kills the old, the fat, the gonna-die-soon anyway?

(Editor’s note: Dear writer, learn to condense your lede. Perhaps think about using three or even four sentences to get your point across.)

You know where I’m at.

While bikers ride, runners run, surfers, with only a few exceptions, have taken to the various quarantine laws like French collaborators took to their German invaders, heads placed, joyfully, under the occupying jackboot, begging their masters for the opportunity to send their own people to the firing squad.

Public exceptions, of course, are Joel Tudor, and Derek Dunfee, the big-waver and photographer who, according to Coronado mayor Richard Bailey, “singlehandedly” brought together all the mayors in San Diego to talk about and eventually overturn the no-surf ban.

(Listen here.)

And, the Dana Point shredder who lost his twenty-two thousand dollar boat when he surfed, or tried to surf, Lowers during lockdown only to be undone by prying eyes.

The brave lockdown runners in France’s south-west, too, hiding surfboards in pine forests and using drones to search for cops.

Rare exceptions.

In Portugal, Kanoa Igarashi, once a national hero there, has his tyres slashed for surfing outside his Ericeira postcode.

In New Zealand, “We have people here with pitchforks and torches… everyone’s turned against each other,” says the comedian, pro-ish surfer Luke Cederman. 

A surfer, there, “terrified to leave house” and threatened with being “shot, tasered, hung” for surfing during lockdown. 

On Reunion Island, a police helicopter pounces on surfers at empty reef. 

Here, “the high water mark of obscene tattle-taling in our time.”

Meanwhile, the WSL, a company owned by a non-surfing billionaire who bought the old ASP for a handful of shekels in 2012, and currently with “avid waterman” Erik Logan holding the CEO’s paddle, shrieks triumphant with its endless calls to stay indoors, offering up to $2500 for “real surfers” to post videos of ’emselves replicating surfing at home.

(Read here.)

Apart from surf, I got nothing else.

And so I wonder, am I right?

Is surfing number one in the sport of snitching?

Do any other sports publicly name and shame?

Chas Smith (left) and Erik Logan in happier times when touching was allowed. Very annoying.
Chas Smith (left) and Erik Logan in happier times when touching was allowed. Very annoying.

Leadership: World Surf League CEO Erik Logan bravely LOLs at the “trauma” and “disaster” of “Worst Year Ever” 2020!

"Okay what needs to be added?"

Covid-19 has been defeated thanks to the bold leadership coming out of New Zealand and, for certain, you have read that by now. For sure you know the “Great Chinese Cold” has been stuffed, that the global shutdown was a paranoid, misguided overreach only framing the coming worldwide police state, that we “won.”

And everything is funny in hindsight, no?

Or, not everything, but we can totally laugh at Black Plaguers cutting up pigeons and rubbing the pigeon corpses all over their pustule-riddled bodies in order to try to beat a disease, no?

They were so dumb.

We are extremely smart, wore masks, laid tape down on the floors of our grocery stores forcing people to stand exactly six feet apart, outlawed surfing, eating Asian fusion outside, etc.

And now, a few short months after the “Grand Chinese Flu” appeared it has been defeated by Jacinda Ardern.

Killed dead.

But 2020, amiright?

Erik Logan, World Surf League CEO and current Commander over the Wall of Positive Noise, broke with the over-wrought mainstream media to mock the whole thing today and shall we look?

So much needing to be added including a possible Saudi Arabia purchase of that very same World Surf League.

Adding a little smoke to the fire, if you Instagram search “Elo_” a Kuwaiti comes up.


But more importantly, what are the other most ridiculously LOL moments of 2020 so far?

More as the story develops.

"Sharks! And expensive toilet paper!"
"Sharks! And expensive toilet paper!"

Watch: Eight “hideously opportunistic” Great White Sharks descend on recently opened California beach, terrifying already “insanely fearful” public!

"Visitors flee..."

How are you celebrating the novel Coronavirus’s demise? Hugging your elderly neighbors? Burning your mask in the street? Spitting on the ashes? Invoicing China?

Well, Santa Barbara residents celebrated over the hot Southern California weekend by flocking to the beach en masse.

It’s hardly surprising that eight hideously opportunistic Great White sharks were there waiting, smacking lips, acting like very rude small shop owners that look very much forward to human catastrophes so they can price gouge and make kingly sums off toilet paper and hand sanitizer.


But let us turn to Santa Barbara’s local NBC affiliate for the morally vacant latest.

A heatwave caused people across Southern California to flee to local beaches Saturday, but a shark sighting caused some visitors to flee.

No one was injured, though members of the United States Coast Guard spotted eight sharks from a helicopter at about 3:15 p.m., according to the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Office.

After being notified by the Coast Guard, county law enforcement notified all of their parks and beaches about the spotting. However, the Carpinteria Beach was not closed.

Sharks and small shop profiteer/owners.


Bastards the lot of ’em.

"They say it's impossible for professional surfing to make money... but what if we attack it from the rear?"
"They say it's impossible for professional surfing to make money... but what if we attack it from the rear?"

Opportunity: Saudi Arabia makes recent investments in Live Nation, Carnival Cruises; World Surf League purchase next?

Buy low, sell high!

And you might have missed the wonderful news this morning, but it appears that New Zealand has defeated the novel Coronavirus, finally bringing an end to such a wild, unprecedented era in human history. The entire globe shuttered, surfing outlawed, surfers becoming Enemies of the State no.1, social distancing laws ruthlessly enforced, facial masks now de rigueur all to slow a Chinese crafted disease that brutally targeted the obese, diabetics and those with underlying heart conditions.

Well, leave it to Jacinda Ardern, New Zealand’s Prime Minister, the most popular leader to ever lead, to beat the dang thing but now that the war is over a scorched economic earth is left behind. Business out of, restaurants saddled with debt, movie theaters catching on fire, mysteriously, families huddled together unable to afford, or find, chow mien.

The World Surf League.

And how will professional surfing’s home even begin to rise out of these ashes? Things were not… let’s say “super bright” before the collapse. A revolving door into the CEO’s office, shifting raison d’être, sponsors not renewing, suspect viewership numbers, missing Ambassador of Stoke and Leisure, wave pool technology that has been superseded by others suggested the business was not… let’s say “viable.”

Will co-Waterperson of the Year and billionaire owner Dirk Ziff continue to hemorrhage? Who else could possibly interest in his… let’s say “distressed asset?”

Jacinda Ardern?

Unfortunately she is busy consolidating power for a well-timed run at Master of the Universe but what about Saudi Arabia’s plucky Prince Mohammed bin Salman?

It was reported today that his sovereign wealth fund has just purchased a 5.7 percent stake in Live Nation, the “people standing within six feet of each other at concerts, sporting events etc.” company that has been devastated by the Chinese Flu and all of our social distancing.

Per The Hollywood Reporter:

The investment in Live Nation is the second by the Saudi government this month in an industry hit hard by the pandemic. The Saudi Public Investment Fund also took a $775 million stake in Carnival Cruises.

Saudi Arabia has been trying to bolster its tourism industry before the pandemic upended international travel, and live events and concerts had been a big part of that strategy. Last October the K-pop superstars BTS became the first foreign band to perform a solo stadium show in the country.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood, many firms have been reluctant to take investment from the fund following the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Endeavor returned a $400 million investment it received from the fund last year. Many notable names from the world of media and entertainment also canceled an appearance at a major conference to be hosted in Riyadh called the Future Investment Initiative.

Live events and cruise ships, eh?

You see what I’m seeing?

Sure, the kingdom is currently fighting a proxy war against its United Arab Emirates neighbor in southern Yemen but adding professional surfing into the portfolio, bringing Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch to Riyadh, Jeddah… even Mecca or at least Medina, having Joe Turpel, Ron Blakey and the 1989 World Champion Martin Potter broadcast events live from the Abraj al Bait mall?

What would the price tag be for the World Surf League to build its patented and unassailable Wall of Positive Noise around a handful of murders here and there?

10 million?

20 million?

More as the story develops.

World’s biggest surf news website’s dark secret: “Small puffy tits orgasm…teen bikini babes with torpedo shaped tits…tiny teen…young petite tiny major!”

Search words gone wild…

If you were to be given the key to our, how should I phrase this given the delicacy of the subject about to be broached, back end, you might be surprised at the key search words that land gentlemen, vigorous gentlemen only perhaps, here.

The reason, according to our analytic data on the subject, is a story, five years ago, called Barely Illegal: The Surf Photog and his Teen Gal.

It told the story, via Matt Warshaw and his Encylopedia of Surfing, of the surf photographer Ron Stoner and his fourteen-year-old girlfriend Paulette.

Different times, yes, for this was in 1967 when everyone was either soaked in LSD or living in a Mason Family commune, but it was a curly moral conundrum for Warshaw to wrestle with.

“Stoner was, I don’t know what you want to call him — not just schizophrenic, but otherwise damaged,” wrote Warshaw. “So yes he was 21, and Paulette was 14, and I’m not saying that’s great. But they dug each other, her parents were okay with it, and when Ron went down the tubes, Paulette was pretty much the only person from his past who didn’t bail out. The story here isn’t about sex with a minor. Can you even understand that?”

(Read that here.)

The words barely illegal, teen gal, hit, accidentally, so many popular search words, there ain’t a day goes by without fifty or so men crawling over the site looking for that particular pot of gold.

Other interesting keywords.

Do you have a fav for most shocking?

Jeff Clark foil boards?

Professional surfers that can sing?