"Sharks! And expensive toilet paper!"
"Sharks! And expensive toilet paper!"

Watch: Eight “hideously opportunistic” Great White Sharks descend on recently opened California beach, terrifying already “insanely fearful” public!

"Visitors flee..."

How are you celebrating the novel Coronavirus’s demise? Hugging your elderly neighbors? Burning your mask in the street? Spitting on the ashes? Invoicing China?

Well, Santa Barbara residents celebrated over the hot Southern California weekend by flocking to the beach en masse.

It’s hardly surprising that eight hideously opportunistic Great White sharks were there waiting, smacking lips, acting like very rude small shop owners that look very much forward to human catastrophes so they can price gouge and make kingly sums off toilet paper and hand sanitizer.


But let us turn to Santa Barbara’s local NBC affiliate for the morally vacant latest.

A heatwave caused people across Southern California to flee to local beaches Saturday, but a shark sighting caused some visitors to flee.

No one was injured, though members of the United States Coast Guard spotted eight sharks from a helicopter at about 3:15 p.m., according to the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Office.

After being notified by the Coast Guard, county law enforcement notified all of their parks and beaches about the spotting. However, the Carpinteria Beach was not closed.

Sharks and small shop profiteer/owners.


Bastards the lot of ’em.

"They say it's impossible for professional surfing to make money... but what if we attack it from the rear?"
"They say it's impossible for professional surfing to make money... but what if we attack it from the rear?"

Opportunity: Saudi Arabia makes recent investments in Live Nation, Carnival Cruises; World Surf League purchase next?

Buy low, sell high!

And you might have missed the wonderful news this morning, but it appears that New Zealand has defeated the novel Coronavirus, finally bringing an end to such a wild, unprecedented era in human history. The entire globe shuttered, surfing outlawed, surfers becoming Enemies of the State no.1, social distancing laws ruthlessly enforced, facial masks now de rigueur all to slow a Chinese crafted disease that brutally targeted the obese, diabetics and those with underlying heart conditions.

Well, leave it to Jacinda Ardern, New Zealand’s Prime Minister, the most popular leader to ever lead, to beat the dang thing but now that the war is over a scorched economic earth is left behind. Business out of, restaurants saddled with debt, movie theaters catching on fire, mysteriously, families huddled together unable to afford, or find, chow mien.

The World Surf League.

And how will professional surfing’s home even begin to rise out of these ashes? Things were not… let’s say “super bright” before the collapse. A revolving door into the CEO’s office, shifting raison d’être, sponsors not renewing, suspect viewership numbers, missing Ambassador of Stoke and Leisure, wave pool technology that has been superseded by others suggested the business was not… let’s say “viable.”

Will co-Waterperson of the Year and billionaire owner Dirk Ziff continue to hemorrhage? Who else could possibly interest in his… let’s say “distressed asset?”

Jacinda Ardern?

Unfortunately she is busy consolidating power for a well-timed run at Master of the Universe but what about Saudi Arabia’s plucky Prince Mohammed bin Salman?

It was reported today that his sovereign wealth fund has just purchased a 5.7 percent stake in Live Nation, the “people standing within six feet of each other at concerts, sporting events etc.” company that has been devastated by the Chinese Flu and all of our social distancing.

Per The Hollywood Reporter:

The investment in Live Nation is the second by the Saudi government this month in an industry hit hard by the pandemic. The Saudi Public Investment Fund also took a $775 million stake in Carnival Cruises.

Saudi Arabia has been trying to bolster its tourism industry before the pandemic upended international travel, and live events and concerts had been a big part of that strategy. Last October the K-pop superstars BTS became the first foreign band to perform a solo stadium show in the country.

Meanwhile, in Hollywood, many firms have been reluctant to take investment from the fund following the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Endeavor returned a $400 million investment it received from the fund last year. Many notable names from the world of media and entertainment also canceled an appearance at a major conference to be hosted in Riyadh called the Future Investment Initiative.

Live events and cruise ships, eh?

You see what I’m seeing?

Sure, the kingdom is currently fighting a proxy war against its United Arab Emirates neighbor in southern Yemen but adding professional surfing into the portfolio, bringing Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch to Riyadh, Jeddah… even Mecca or at least Medina, having Joe Turpel, Ron Blakey and the 1989 World Champion Martin Potter broadcast events live from the Abraj al Bait mall?

What would the price tag be for the World Surf League to build its patented and unassailable Wall of Positive Noise around a handful of murders here and there?

10 million?

20 million?

More as the story develops.

World’s biggest surf news website’s dark secret: “Small puffy tits orgasm…teen bikini babes with torpedo shaped tits…tiny teen…young petite tiny major!”

Search words gone wild…

If you were to be given the key to our, how should I phrase this given the delicacy of the subject about to be broached, back end, you might be surprised at the key search words that land gentlemen, vigorous gentlemen only perhaps, here.

The reason, according to our analytic data on the subject, is a story, five years ago, called Barely Illegal: The Surf Photog and his Teen Gal.

It told the story, via Matt Warshaw and his Encylopedia of Surfing, of the surf photographer Ron Stoner and his fourteen-year-old girlfriend Paulette.

Different times, yes, for this was in 1967 when everyone was either soaked in LSD or living in a Mason Family commune, but it was a curly moral conundrum for Warshaw to wrestle with.

“Stoner was, I don’t know what you want to call him — not just schizophrenic, but otherwise damaged,” wrote Warshaw. “So yes he was 21, and Paulette was 14, and I’m not saying that’s great. But they dug each other, her parents were okay with it, and when Ron went down the tubes, Paulette was pretty much the only person from his past who didn’t bail out. The story here isn’t about sex with a minor. Can you even understand that?”

(Read that here.)

The words barely illegal, teen gal, hit, accidentally, so many popular search words, there ain’t a day goes by without fifty or so men crawling over the site looking for that particular pot of gold.

Other interesting keywords.

Do you have a fav for most shocking?

Jeff Clark foil boards?

Professional surfers that can sing?

Bali cops use “public humiliation” to reign in COVID-19 rule-breakers!

Bali introduces a "Public Health” enforcement where offending parties may be asked to dismount their scooters and go through a number of roadside calisthenics…

Finding it difficult to enforce the mandatory mask wearing rules here in Bali, the police force has decided to punish offenders with something more effective than just a warning and small fine.

A new “Public Health” enforcement where offending parties may be asked to dismount their scooters and go through a number of roadside calisthenics.


“It’s not so bad,” says Jim Rescka, a recent expat bustee, “But it is kind of embarrassing when your friends and neighbours see you doing jumping jacks on the side of the road in the noon day sun.”

Talking anonymously, one of the enforcers commented that, “We make sure it is only the men that can handle it. It’s not like we are gonna make a little old lady do it” (Translated).

“On any normal day,” Says a Kuta Beach lifeguard, “You would see fifty surf schools doing pop-ups all day long, so it could be good training to drive around without a mask.”

No news on how long this new consequence will be held in place, but it sure beats trying to keep up with Johanne Defay’s online workout in your living room.


In other news, the some boardriders clubs here are successfully working with local authorities to keep local surfers in the water.

Show up with a boardriders membership card or a local ID with an address in the neighbourhood and you can paddle out.

But hanging on the beach is still strictly taboo.

Can you imagine trying this local ID bit in California?


It already exists.

You ever try to surf where Strider Wasilewski lives?

Bobby Kennedy (right) and JFK discussing surfers and surfing (likely).
Bobby Kennedy (right) and JFK discussing surfers and surfing (likely).

Bobby Kennedy’s son comes swinging in on side of surfers as “Coronavirus Gestapo” carries out raid on Point Dume!

A champion for The People™!

The war on surfers and those who enjoy eating Asian fusion outdoors has reached a critical phase. Our kind has been driven underground, chased by the jackboot, flogged from sea to shining sea.

Hated by The State.

But as in all times of crisis, unexpected heroes rise and who could have ever guessed that we would have Robert F. Kennedy’s son, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on our side. Holding our mantle high.

Robert F. Kennedy, or Bobby, you certainly know, was brother of JFK, civil rights icon, United States Attorney General and presidential hopeful gunned down in hail of bullets. The Kennedy family is as close to royalty as once-free America has and now we have one as our very own champion and let us go to Instagram where RFK, Jr. lays our scene.


Yesterday, Malibu police gave a dozen $1000.00 tickets to surfers on Point Dume. Meanwhile, LA hospitals are empty. None have issued a “Divert” notice since this crisis began. So what is the end game? I’m happy to comply with the quarantine but is there a rational plan?

Political leaders told us we would quarantine initially to flatten the curve so as to prevent a surge that would overwhelm our health care system. We would give hospitals time to gear up; beds, ventilators, masks, tests and therapeutic treatment protocols. Then we would end the general quarantine while continuing to isolate and protect the elderly and immunocompromised.

We would allow the virus to spread through healthy populations until we establish natural herd immunity that protects everyone. “Mission creep” has moved us into the Gates/ Fauci scheme: Quarantine until we have a vaccine.

It’s not a prudent bet.

Despite decades of effort and hundreds of millions of dollars spent, no one has ever developed a functional coronavirus vaccine. Due to peculiarities unique to coronavirus, earlier efforts have produced vaccines that seemed ideal until they caused cataclysmic side effects including death. The top virologists from the US, China, and Europe have all succeeded in creating COVID vaccines that promote robust and durable antibody response-the metric by which vaccines are licensed-but when vaccinated individuals or animals encountered the wild disease, those antibodies actually worsened the infection-often with lethal consequences.

Furthermore, COVID-19 is mutating with extraordinary rapidity-Chinese scientists recently found over 30 strains in a single hospital. A vaccine that offers protection against a single strain may do little to control spread of the contagion. Finally, WHO has warned that frequent observations of reinfection suggests that coronavirus antibodies may offer meager protection against the disease. This revelation casts doubt on the entire vaccine enterprise.

Our political leaders need to stop putting faith in Tony Fauci and begin applying common sense A prolonged quarantine might kill more Americans than COVID-19.

And amen.

Or do you disagree?