"It's just so basic..."

Fame-adjacent Santa Cruz surfer Ken “Skindog” Collins is certainly having a renaissance during this the Coronavirus Apocalypse. He was thrust back near the spotlight many months ago by publicly declaring that surfers should take quarantine seriously and not participate in the Pastime of Kings until “flattening the curve.”

His position was mocked by fame-adjacent North County, San Diego surfer Joel Tudor and the battle lines were drawn.

Team Skindog on one side. Team Tudor on the other.

Hindsight reveals that the vast majority of surfers fell in behind Ken and created a heretofore unparalleled special unit of snitches, social media tattlers and surf magazine collaborationists. The curve was flattened, many were shamed for daring to paddle and victory gushed forth like the hoppiest double IPA.

Well, Skindog is back in the news again, this time posting an Instagram photo of a Great White Shark breaching off of Pleasure Point, captioning it, “FYI- Nor Cal Great White Shark population is growing. We are seeing them all over the place, even on @surfline.”

The breaching shark being a Great White was confirmed by Pelagic Shark Research Foundation Executive Director Sean Van Sommeran, who says the increasingly polarizing arguments that he hears about sharks bother him.

Per the local Good Times news:

On the one hand, Van Sommeran has heard claims that white shark populations are growing at dangerous rates—a theory floated in the caption of the jumping shark Instagram video—sometimes even prompting theories that sharks don’t deserve any protection, all of which Van Sommeran says isn’t true. (Three dead sharks have washed ashore locally in recent years—one from a gunshot, one that was hit by a boat and another that was likely killed by poisonous runoff, Van Sommeran says.)

At the same time, Van Sommeran often hears claims that all sharks are nothing more than harmless, cute sea creatures, ones that adventure seekers should chase after and try to see up close.

Not advisable, Van Sommeran says. “It’s just so basic: Don’t swim out to the sharks. It’s a large, several-hundred pounds sea creature that eats animals about your size. It’s not some cute baby shark that’s waiting for you to come say ‘Hi.’ Nor is it a prehistoric creature from Amityville that’s looking to kill everyone.”

And so, once again, we must pick sides.

Are you Team Cute Baby or Team Prehistoric Creature from Amityville That’s Looking to Kill Everyone?

Choose wisely.

"Sorry, mate."

It’s a tough life being a surfer what with daylight “earning” hours often spent surfing, chasing surf, thinking about chasing surf or watching World Surf League re-runs. How then can a living be earned?

Night work, of course, and have you ever wrangled a graveyard shift? In college, I used to work the campus security switchboard from 10 pm to 6 am. Later, I valeted cars and though those shifts didn’t run all night they kept the days free.

In Australia, we have just learned of two men, surfers likely seeing as they hail from New South Wales, who made their money as hired guns for various sexual fantasies.

One man hired them, for instance, to break into his house, tie him up with his underwear and stroke him with a broom.

Well, the client moved without notifying the surfers who, in turn, broke into the wrong house and let’s pick the story up from there in the BBC.

When the (new) resident noticed a light on in his kitchen at 06:15, he assumed it was a friend who came by daily to make morning coffee.

When the men called out the name of their client, the resident turned on the light and removed a sleep apnoea mask he was wearing.

It was then that he saw them standing above his bed with the machetes, which they appeared to have brought as props for the role play.

When they realised their error, one of the pair said, “Sorry, mate”, and shook the resident’s hand, according to local reports.

The two men then drove to the correct address, where the client noticed one man had a “great big knife” in his trousers and asked them to leave the weapons in their car.

The client then cooked bacon, eggs and noodles, and a short time later, the police arrived at the property, found the machetes in the car and arrested the hired pair.

A sad ending?

No.

Just yesterday a judge, also likely a surfer, acquitted them men declaring, “They carried the machetes either as a prop or something to use in that fantasy. The fantasy was unscripted and there was discretion as to how it would be carried out.”

A lawyer for the accused added, “It was a commercial agreement to tie up and stroke a semi-naked man in his underpants with a broom. Entry was not with intent to intimidate.”

Wonderful.

And are you thinking about it as a potential side hustle?

Nick Carroll, are you?

What is the going rate?

Much to ponder.