2. Wax up and prepare at home.
Common sense is hard to come by these days, what with toddlers being arrested for standing on the beach in South Africa and the police opening fire on surfers in Costa Rica but the fog of pandemic may be starting to lift all thanks to Surfing Australia.
The southern hemisphere nation’s official governing body just released its highly anticipated guide for surfers to survive, even thrive, without endangering each other or other overweight 80 + diabetics with underlying heart conditions.
We have been embroiled in this pandemic for roughly three-months, now, but quality takes time and without further ado, let’s learn how then to surf in the time of Coronavirus.
1. Surf the spot closest to your home ONLY.
2. Wax up and prepare at home. Put on your wetsuit, boardies and other gear at home before driving to the beach.
3. Follow physical distancing at all times coming and going to the beach. For example, if you have a narrow path to the beach wait an extra minute for it to clear before you walk down.
4. Have a surf and leave immediately, don’t chat with mates in the car park. Call them on your phone.
5. If the surfing spot is overcrowded – don’t go out
6. Don’t paddle next to someone like you would normally. Give them more space.
7. CRITICAL CHANGE – take it in turns. Do not paddle back over to the peak after catching a wave. Wait your turn patiently on the shoulder.
8. Don’t change in the parking lot. Wrap your towel around yourself and go home.
Very common sensical but a few quick questions.
What if your car is very hot and doesn’t have air-conditioning and all the wax melts off on the way to the beach? Simply tough luck?
What if your mates have left their phones at home and/or aren’t teenaged girls?
What if everyone becomes too polite and patiently crowds the shoulder?
Might hospital emergency rooms become overwhelmed with surfers developing yeast infections due wearing wetsuits in very hot cars?
Just a few thoughts and I’m wondering if Surfing USA will address when it releases its guidelines?
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Send yeast to South Africa. Ban on booze has got people getting creative with sugar (insert fruit here) and yeast to get maggot because they cant surf.
I can’t believe that you guys have a ban on alcohol. You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. I think that a ban on booze is a far worse issue than a loss of surfing rights. That’s a riot Inciting loss of civil liberties in my opinion. And if not riot, civil war!
In New Jersey we used to get in the car fast as cluck. Lower half wetsuit wrapped in a towel, sweatshirt on, heat blasting, luke warm leftover coffee…
San Diego mid-life mid-lengthers love to waddle their tri tip and ipa bellies around their parked car while slowly going through a sleuth of accessories…culminating in a process which is far more difficult than hopping in your shower at home with a half fold before immediately getting a perfect fresh water rinse for the suit.
See you behind the Sprinter I drove less than two miles for belly dancing time!
Can one still masturbate (violently) at the peak or is this relegated to the shoulder now? And aqua turds are they prohibited? A lot on my mind.
Turds have corona in them, so you have to paddle to the next peak to make your deposit.
They’re omitting the most hazardous components of surfing in covid-saturated waves. The focus of the CDC throughout this pandemic has been droplets – size, weight, potential for aerosolization and spread. We MUST impose strict limits, therefore, to the size, radius and intensity of all turns. Critical hacks, wraps and all manner of lip defacement are now prohibited. A snap shall not emit a spray of greater than 1 meter. Any attempt to spray or ‘baptize’ a surfer on the shoulder carries a minimum sentence of 30 days in jail. Mitigating these actions will also reduce frothing, a high-viral transmission byproduct of good surfing. For the sake of front-line workers everywhere, practice responsible trimming, fading and casual carving, preferably on a mid-length only. Together we can flatten our carves, to flatten the curve.
Geez I have been absent for a while but man it sure looks like Big Midlength has swayed the crowd with their corrupting inducements…. more float, only ever paddle in from the shoulder, “trim”…. What’s next? Crouching cheater fives through the pack while a perfect barrel reels off 3 feet behind? I‘ll brace for the next round…
I saw some show where that didnt seem to grow much of anything!
And the girl who fronts my surf tv
Racey!!
Looking forward to Chas’s next book Surfing In The Time of Coronavirus
Visions of hell: how I stared at a zinc table for 4 months.
1) ring your mates. Stuart, Simon, and Nigel.
2) Put some Tooheys in the Esky and put the esky in your Ute.
3) Put on your wettie (at your house)
4) Don’t forget your sunnies!
5) Bring a knife , a very big knife in case you get in a blue with a shark, or a spider, or a snake , or a roo.
6) have a quick root with the missus.
7) Run to the top of the point, jump in and burn your mates! (Stuart, Simon, or Nigel)
I’m on board…except 6…I’m not a fucking sicko
6 is most important because once the missus on a roll they will keep going – big lags mean its not going to happen and have to start all again in terms of psyching them up!!!
I bought some hair extensions on ebay, a local postage, took 16 days to get here,. So I guess till I get this SA post I can still hang out at the beach.
Are they for you and a comb over or for the missus? From your deewhy social distancing fame from memory your wife had long locks no?
Who knows why they do the things they do.
It’s a mystery as old as the pyramids.
so that means is for the wife!!! DY big mushburgers off the point or firing??
Sick heavy barrels between tons of water on head.
Only a couple of takers
just saw footage news Kelly LA getting shacked – here early was pretty good – Merewether firing then too big later
How does Surfing Australia expect anything but new abnormal results when they fail to adhere to guidelines set forth by their own coach, Saint Bede, instead releasing a surefire failure campaign?
Sincere thanks for the helpful and insightful guidelines…but one issue I feel I need clarification on
Can I still piss in my wetsuit, and if so, should I do this whilst in the ocean…or on the drive home?
you didn’t read the guide lines correctly you have to wrap your towell around you and go home.
ther is nothing in there about pissing in your towel you could do that i suppose i guess we should wait for clarification on this issue
Don’t change…see I assumed this meant you can’t even remove your wetty
Dam this new world ..more information leads to more questions… confusion, stress, panic. This is all getting too much for an already fragile little mushroom
I think the hastily put forth guidelines are a great start, we just need a few subsections…sub Sub sections and so on. As long as they can direct me on say 90% of all my day to day activities, that should suffice
Oh and have a dude wearing sunglasses with a gun pointed at my head…in case I miss-step
Nothing like a bit of tough love
It’s been a mantra since the 80s.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Whys the local post taking so long?
Well, there’s been a few waves up our way.
so u can take of ur wetty but can’t get dressed. not terrible. worse things than driving/walking home in nothing but a towel.
drive home ftw. it says on the suits warranty not to pee in your wetsuit, they mean not to pee while surfing cause its bad for your urethra.
u get ur own personal bedpan while driving, it rocks
I found a copy of the US guidelines!-
1) if you are allowed to surf in your county, ensure you adhere to social distancing guidelines
2) If you are not, form a protest group with like minded individuals
3) Allow it to quickly become co-opted by the alt right and nutjob left
4) When you find yourself at a rally in Idaho representing the Californian Surf Militia, tying a leg rope around an effigy of the governor to tow behind your Sprinter van, ensure you adhere to social distancing guidelines
Comment of the week.
I would back a Beachgrit employee of the month system…for the best poster…we could all nominate and vote…that would be fun
You’d need catergories
“And for the 90th week running, the biggest shit-stirrer, bexy.” Another decade and you could get a beachgrit platinum Plaque
No, really?
It’s been a shit week.
there is a statue of Bush in the Houston Airport…. near the food mall.
my buddy asked me to put his two leashes in my back pack, basically empty except my ipad.
Two leashes end to end was enough and we did not craft a great “noose”, but it fit.
security interrupted our photo op.
an hour later, we were approved to board the flight, but our seats had been changed.
walk of shame as a christian group took issue with our Iwo JIma remake.
Enough already, we get it. You hate Republicans and Christians. This is the third time you’ve told your “I hung a noose around Bush’s statue at Houston airport” story. You’re boring and predictable. Christ, I’m surprised Derek Hynd’s Missing Fins doesn’t hate you for your boringness and predictability. He hates that shit!
You’re a “rebel that revels” in his own mind. The lowest of low uncommon denominator amongst hippies.
I’ve never quite been able to resolve the idea of Republican Christians. It’s all take take take, every man and woman for themselves, then it’s love thy neighbour, turn the other cheek etc. Maybe they’re just bad christians? Or maybe cognitive dissonance? I could understand that one…I like animals alive yet I haven’t stopped eating the tasty fuckers. Or maybe once you believe in the big man in the sky you’re ready to believe and do anything? Is that why Donald is prez? I don’t know. I just came here for a shark story and now look what’s happened.